My relationship story (in gory, LONG detail)

[Kageytn]

I just wrote an epic novel about my relationship. It was way too long. Here is the cliff-note version:

 

year 1-started out sexually. My husband had died 3 years ago and I was not interested in dating or loving anyone. I kept dating and he would get quite ugly about it. I was suppose to be monogamous while he dated. We agreed, after an unexpected crisis, to date monogamously. We could not date in town, though because he was my professor and he would get in trouble. I was in my 30's with two kids.

 

year 2-We break up. I tell him I feel like his girl on the side and I can do better. He starts in with how he loves me and wants me and we will make it work. We start dating in town but I can't meet his parents. They would be upset he was dating someone with kids. I have in-laws (my late husband's parents) and I am single. Why do I want more parents in my life? I am good with that.

 

year 3-except I am not. I am increasingly aware we are in a toxic cesspool of dysfunction and despair. I play games. He plays games. We manipulate each other. We love each other and we love being with each other but, underneath, there are some ugly vibes and unmeet needs. I want to be in his life-not a dirty little secret he can't bring home. The whole damn town knows we are dating but I still haven't met his parents. I break up again. The cycle starts again. I collapse and come back.

 

I'm miserable. I don't want to be married to him really. I am terrified of emotional attachment otherwise I would be in a healthy relationship. I just don't like being in his little box until he lets me out. I feel like Jeannie in her bottle. So, I take a job overseas. There. I can't break up with him-not strong enough but I can move overseas. I break up with him before I leave but he pushes. I collapse again and tell him we can date until I leave. He says he loves me and he can't believe I am leaving him. The day I leave he is in Harry Potter World with his nephew. Or so he told me. He was actually visiting an ex.

 

Year 4-this year-I came home. OVerseas didn't work. I am a wreck. A failure. I am the lowest I have ever been and I depend on him financially and emotionally. The same problems come up and I suggest therapy. We go to couples therapy. I assume we will break up safely. Nope, he wants me in his life forever.. I go with it. This was a mistake.

 

In June, he wants me forever! The world is great. I ask when we will get married and meet his parents. He says he can't get married during football season. I tell him I can't do this much longer-a year of therapy should lead to some steps and, if I don't see them, I am out in December. He grows distant. I am suppose to break up with him when he does that. I don't. He can do it but he never has before.

 

In July, he breaks up with me three times. He lied to me-he never wanted commitment but he didn't want me to leave. He can't live with me. He doesn't do well with ultamatiums and I threatened him by telling him I was out in December. I learn, after the break ups, he had been cheating on me at least emotionally. I am numb and not surprised. I don't tell him I know. We are dead. Why bring it up? I had asked him in the therapist office if he was cheating-it's his go-to under stress but he assured me he wasn't.

 

August-bleak

 

Sept-better. I am with a new therapist learning to love myself. WOrking on myself. I am determined not to fall in this trap again. I realize I dated him to hide out. I could deal with his issues not mine. I could act like I was emotionally available when he never would be. It was the perfect cover. Doomed to fail!

 

I am still talking to him. I am trying to stop because it is so toxic. My therapist said to get angry and I just couldn't. Well, today I did! Angry. Angry at him. Angry at his lies. Angry at his manipulations. And his controlling behavior. I just wanted to wean myself off of him. Nope. Cold turkey is the only way.

 

I wanted to wean myself and keep him hanging on until I was ready to face life without him. I can't do it. He drives me insane and takes up all my time.

 

 

Plus, I love myself and I deserve better. Really, I do. I have to live it though so he needs to go.

 

So, cliff note version. I skipped a ton but it is bad enough like that. Red Flags: cheating, lying, not meeting his parents, not going out with friends (didn't have any), name-calling, controlling behaviors (not wanting me to work, gaslighting me about jobs)

 

I still have no idea why he went to therapy with me. Was it a big con? Does it matter really?

Edited September 20, 2011 by Kageytn
Length-it was a novel!

[Mack05]

Kagetyn, that is one of the most remarkable stories I have ever read on LS (before you cut it down). You are one tough cookie and a survivor. You have most of the highest mountain climbed already. You don't need advice from me. Indeed you should be the one giving me advice. I am not going to mention anything about your ex. I can't tell you anything you don't already know or give you a new prespective on the relationship. You have figured all this out and what needs to be done.

 

The one thing that needs out a mile though (despite the enormous strides you have made in your life) is low self esteem. I mean you have another thread calling yourself a 'self destructive idiot'. I hope your therapist has explained how damaging that thought process is to you. Deep down, (you know this already) you know that you won't see the improvement in your life and your kids lives, unless this your negative attitude towards yourself and towards your life changes. And Kagetyn it has to change. Do you want your kids to suffer the same heartbreak you have?, do you want them to suffer from the same issues/faults/mistakes? They will, if you don't get your self esteem back. Your oldest is already at a very impressionable age.

 

I justed posted this on Peache's threads. it's bits and pieces of replies I have used over the past few months. I hope there is something there for you -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3634047#post3634047. Please research 'Toxic Thinking'. It has had a very negative impact on my own life and it has had a devastating effect on yours..Talk soon

Edited September 20, 2011 by Mack05

[Kageytn]

I'm ordering the book on toxic thinking. I need it desperately! I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow and I want to discuss my self talk. I've realize, on paper, I'm awesome. I'm smart, attractive, witty, funny and strong. I have to feel it, though.

 

The ex used to say he could never break up with me because I couldn't survive without him. He had to date me to save me from me. Our therapist finally told him I would be fine. I'm a survivor. And I am. He is not bringing me down. I just have to make sure I don't bring myself down. I'm truly my own worse enemy.

 

Mack-come to TN! I'll buy you a drink and we will listen to sad country songs together! Your post had me in tears. Bittersweet tears.

 

I can do this. I am doing this.