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After 8 years Im so lost.


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Sorry for the long wall of text...

 

I tried to talk with my friends and family but they just can't help me the way a stranger can I guess. My feinace just shattered my heart and broke up with me. We have been together for just shy of 8 years this Jan. 17. I am only 22 but I knew back when we met I had already met my soul mate. I know its rare to marry your high school sweet heart and stay together with them your whole life, but that was our plan. When I met my girl she had all kinds of, baggage I guess you could say. She was ADD, Bypolor, Depressed, and at times suicidal. We overcame a lot together by sticking with each other through the hard times she and us were having. We were each others firsts and we never slept with anyone else. Over the years we learned everything there was to learn about each other. She went into a psych ward 3 times while I was with her and I stuck by her side the whole time. After a while I started to see her really bloossem into an amazing woman over the years. Things started to settle down and she became much more stable. We were so strong as a couple. About a year ago I mentioned going and joining the Army to help provide a better future for us. She turned the idea down because she said she might not be able to handle me being gone for such a long period of time. Then it got brought back up about 4 months ago. She started to really think about it for a while. After a few months of talking back in forth we both decided that its whats best for our future. So we started the whole long process. So I finally joined up in the Army. Im in the Delayed entry program right now as we speak. I'm set to ship out for bootcamp Feb. 28, 2012. Im signed up and an Army Cav Scout. Soon after this my girl started to play a lot of online gaming. She talked and met a lot of nice people online. One of them was a guy who took more interest in her then he should have. And the big problem is that she flirted with him back. Of course I didnt know any of this was happening at the time. Long story short, we just broke up about 3 weeks ago. She met another girl online who offered to help ease the pain and fly her out to California free of charge. She told me that she couldn't pass up the chance to go out there and see cali for the first time. I didnt blame her because we live up here in Maine and nothing really happens up here compared to cali. All I asked her was to put the trip off for a few weeks or a month so we could see where we were with everything. We have broken up before and we have always got back together because we can't be without each other. She told me no, that she was leaving right away in 4 days. So she went out there and got drunk and stoned the whole time. She was there for 2 weeks total. After the first week she told me that Oliver, (The guy she met online that she was flirting with) was going to meet her down there for 4 days to hang out. At this point I already knew who he was and I flipped out. I know that at the time we were broken up, but you just cant forget about a person over night and thats what she wanted me to do. Shed ended up sleeping with him 3 times while he was there. Of course I didnt know this yet so I had a BIG surprise for her when she got back from Cali. I waited at the airport with 24 roses. I had 8 strangers meet her getting off her plane each with one rose. They told her that each one represented 1 year of love. Then I came out with the rest of the 16 roses and said, "And these represent the many years to come". She was so thrown back by it I though I had won her back. She loved it so much and started to cry. On the 3 hour ride home I had 3 bears for her, and her favorite 2 things of candy in the car. Then later when we got home I had 20+ candles lite in our room with flower petals all over our bed. She loved everything. Then thats when she started to break down and tell me everything that happened with Oliver in cali. I didnt know what to do, but I held strong and said tonight is just about us, lets have a good night. She ended up just going to sleep which was ok with me. The next day everything just started to fall apart. The next few days she was still flirting with the guy online and doing all kinds of things she shouldnt be. I just got kicked out of our house a few days ago. She is now planing on going to NY in less then a few weeks to spend a week with him at his parents/his place. I told her that no matter what I say I understand I cant make her love me, and I cant change her mind on going or not going to NY to see him. I basically said I wont be waiting for you when you get back from NY. Im not going to be your fall back guy when everything doesnt work out for you with him. She keeps telling me that shes not "with him" but i know better. I just talked with her today about all this and she let me know thats its basically all over I guess. I will post a few of our messages later to help better explain.

 

Im just so crushed right now. She was my whole life. I joined the Army not for me, but for us. I just wanted to give her everything shes ever wanted out of life. Im so lost right now if I should stick with the Army or not. I just want some outside advice from other people. My friends and family say I should still go and its going to be whats best for me so I haven't told any of this to my recruiter yet just in case I still plan on joining. I tried to kill myself 3 times now. Im at such a low point in life were I dont know how to crawl back. I just dont know how she can say she loves me one week and wants to marry me, then 1 week later she breaks up with me and does this whole Cali thing with Oliver. Im kind of stable right now with my mom and dad looking after me, but Im still just so sad and lonely. I dont know if I have the strength to get up off my knees.

 

This song kind of puts my life into prospective a little bit.

 

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Hey there, just read your post and another reply by you re facebook. Reading this post I can only imagine how devasted you must be feeling, you sound like you have really stuck by this girl and been incredibly romantic and supportive. Unfortunatly people with such issues as your gf has takes a lot of time to sort out, and her being young too adds to the problems of staying in a stable relationship-sounds crazy I know, who wouldnt want a guy who loves and cherishes them.

She may have gigs (the grass is greener syndrome) theres loads of posts on here about that, check out Homebrews ones, plus any of Macks (guy above this). Its great you have found this site as its very supportive and the advuce you are given is invaluable, i wish I had listened to and followed it from the first day of my break up.

The key is to have no contact-this is really difficult i know, i tried and so far only managed 2 weeks so far but it is the one thing that has helped. Dont make the mistake of thinking you can win her back by showing her how wonderful you are, trust me she knows. To avoid yourself getting anymore hurt, and this pain is like nothing else, we have all been there. Do NOT look at fb anymore, defriend her, or block her. Seeing her psots etc is only going to make you feel like **** and will make you want to call, get answers and just anything to make you feel better. It wont, this will make you feel worse, if thats at all possible.

The best thing you can do is have no contact. This is not to try and get her back, its to protect yourself, your dignity, your heart and your soul. You will get through this.

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Hey there, just read your post and another reply by you re facebook. Reading this post I can only imagine how devasted you must be feeling, you sound like you have really stuck by this girl and been incredibly romantic and supportive. Unfortunatly people with such issues as your gf has takes a lot of time to sort out, and her being young too adds to the problems of staying in a stable relationship-sounds crazy I know, who wouldnt want a guy who loves and cherishes them.

She may have gigs (the grass is greener syndrome) theres loads of posts on here about that, check out Homebrews ones, plus any of Macks (guy above this). Its great you have found this site as its very supportive and the advuce you are given is invaluable, i wish I had listened to and followed it from the first day of my break up.

The key is to have no contact-this is really difficult i know, i tried and so far only managed 2 weeks so far but it is the one thing that has helped. Dont make the mistake of thinking you can win her back by showing her how wonderful you are, trust me she knows. To avoid yourself getting anymore hurt, and this pain is like nothing else, we have all been there. Do NOT look at fb anymore, defriend her, or block her. Seeing her psots etc is only going to make you feel like **** and will make you want to call, get answers and just anything to make you feel better. It wont, this will make you feel worse, if thats at all possible.

The best thing you can do is have no contact. This is not to try and get her back, its to protect yourself, your dignity, your heart and your soul. You will get through this.

 

Thanks kitten. I know everyone around keeps telling me that it happens to almost everyone etc, but I just feel like I put SO much into this relationship that I cant let go of it this easily. I need to hold on and try and win her back. I know I most likely wont or cant win her back, but I still feel like If I give up, Im doing just that. Giving up on the most important thing in my life. The one thing that keep me grounded...

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Peaches....she slept with someone else, and is going to see him in new york??? Stop, think....so if you get her back, then what, she knows she can do this again and you'll forever be feeling insecure. You have to pick yourself up. Just dont do anything just yet ok. Wait and hear from some of the other guys on this site...wilson...mack...homebrew.....get here and help this poor guy out please!!!

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Peaches...she slept with someone else, and is going to new york to see him..right?? She knows how you feel, do you think by running after her she is going to tell you what you want, and if you get back with her this way she knows she can do this again and most likely will as you will be showing her that this is ok for you to accept. I know you are in a world of pain right now...but your mistake is in thinking that she grounds you. Please dont do anything just yet, you need to speak to some of the other guys on this board...mack, wilson, homebrew, gee girl, graceful......give them a shout out and listen please just for a while before you go racing round there with your shattered heart on a plate.

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Sorry for the long wall of text...

 

I tried to talk with my friends and family but they just can't help me the way a stranger can I guess. My feinace just shattered my heart and broke up with me. We have been together for just shy of 8 years this Jan. 17. I am only 22 but I knew back when we met I had already met my soul mate. I know its rare to marry your high school sweet heart and stay together with them your whole life, but that was our plan. When I met my girl she had all kinds of, baggage I guess you could say. She was ADD, Bypolor, Depressed, and at times suicidal. We overcame a lot together by sticking with each other through the hard times she and us were having. We were each others firsts and we never slept with anyone else. Over the years we learned everything there was to learn about each other. She went into a psych ward 3 times while I was with her and I stuck by her side the whole time. After a while I started to see her really bloossem into an amazing woman over the years. Things started to settle down and she became much more stable. We were so strong as a couple. About a year ago I mentioned going and joining the Army to help provide a better future for us. She turned the idea down because she said she might not be able to handle me being gone for such a long period of time. Then it got brought back up about 4 months ago. She started to really think about it for a while. After a few months of talking back in forth we both decided that its whats best for our future. So we started the whole long process. So I finally joined up in the Army. Im in the Delayed entry program right now as we speak. I'm set to ship out for bootcamp Feb. 28, 2012. Im signed up and an Army Cav Scout. Soon after this my girl started to play a lot of online gaming. She talked and met a lot of nice people online. One of them was a guy who took more interest in her then he should have. And the big problem is that she flirted with him back. Of course I didnt know any of this was happening at the time. Long story short, we just broke up about 3 weeks ago. She met another girl online who offered to help ease the pain and fly her out to California free of charge. She told me that she couldn't pass up the chance to go out there and see cali for the first time. I didnt blame her because we live up here in Maine and nothing really happens up here compared to cali. All I asked her was to put the trip off for a few weeks or a month so we could see where we were with everything. We have broken up before and we have always got back together because we can't be without each other. She told me no, that she was leaving right away in 4 days. So she went out there and got drunk and stoned the whole time. She was there for 2 weeks total. After the first week she told me that Oliver, (The guy she met online that she was flirting with) was going to meet her down there for 4 days to hang out. At this point I already knew who he was and I flipped out. I know that at the time we were broken up, but you just cant forget about a person over night and thats what she wanted me to do. Shed ended up sleeping with him 3 times while he was there. Of course I didnt know this yet so I had a BIG surprise for her when she got back from Cali. I waited at the airport with 24 roses. I had 8 strangers meet her getting off her plane each with one rose. They told her that each one represented 1 year of love. Then I came out with the rest of the 16 roses and said, "And these represent the many years to come". She was so thrown back by it I though I had won her back. She loved it so much and started to cry. On the 3 hour ride home I had 3 bears for her, and her favorite 2 things of candy in the car. Then later when we got home I had 20+ candles lite in our room with flower petals all over our bed. She loved everything. Then thats when she started to break down and tell me everything that happened with Oliver in cali. I didnt know what to do, but I held strong and said tonight is just about us, lets have a good night. She ended up just going to sleep which was ok with me. The next day everything just started to fall apart. The next few days she was still flirting with the guy online and doing all kinds of things she shouldnt be. I just got kicked out of our house a few days ago. She is now planing on going to NY in less then a few weeks to spend a week with him at his parents/his place. I told her that no matter what I say I understand I cant make her love me, and I cant change her mind on going or not going to NY to see him. I basically said I wont be waiting for you when you get back from NY. Im not going to be your fall back guy when everything doesnt work out for you with him. She keeps telling me that shes not "with him" but i know better. I just talked with her today about all this and she let me know thats its basically all over I guess. I will post a few of our messages later to help better explain.

 

Im just so crushed right now. She was my whole life. I joined the Army not for me, but for us. I just wanted to give her everything shes ever wanted out of life. Im so lost right now if I should stick with the Army or not. I just want some outside advice from other people. My friends and family say I should still go and its going to be whats best for me so I haven't told any of this to my recruiter yet just in case I still plan on joining. I tried to kill myself 3 times now. Im at such a low point in life were I dont know how to crawl back. I just dont know how she can say she loves me one week and wants to marry me, then 1 week later she breaks up with me and does this whole Cali thing with Oliver. Im kind of stable right now with my mom and dad looking after me, but Im still just so sad and lonely. I dont know if I have the strength to get up off my knees.

 

This song kind of puts my life into prospective a little bit.

 

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I'm afraid too much has happened for you to try to salvage the relationship. Her emotional investment is now with the friends/lovers she has from the online gaming. There's nothing you can really do at this point to win her back. You've tried as much as you could. Gaming can be addictive, and people get sucked into it and the relationships that are formed from it. Same thing with internet chat rooms. I know a woman who destroyed her marriage because she was addicted to internet chat rooms, and ended up falling for a guy she met on there. I would suggest you let her go at this point, and continue your plan to serve in the army. And please seek professional counseling to help you deal with this ASAP. No woman is worth ending your life over. Your life has meaning apart from this woman. She is not, or should not be, everything to you. She was only a part of your life, and your life without her still has value and meaning. You will get past this in time. Please see a counselor to help you deal with this.

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Im going to try and see a counselor soon, but money is short right now so Im looking at my options that I have.

If you join the army, I'm sure they offer free counseling to its soldiers. I suggest you take advantage of that. In the meantime, there are counselors who provide services on a sliding fee schedule based on your ability to pay. You may also want to consider talking to a counselor from the clergy. Their services are usually free of charge.

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Hey Peaches,

 

sorry about your pain man. I know you have a million thoughts in your head right now but its best to keep busy and i would probably follow your friends' advice and keep training to go in to the army. I know during the time of a broken heart is not the time to really take on any new projects or anything, but the only thing to do is to keep yourself busy and live life for yourself. At this point, joining the ARMY should only be about you, and no longer for the "us" factor.

 

Please get help. A broken heart can make you feel like dying but will not kill you, and it shouldn't cause you to want to kill yourself. You have a whole life ahead of you . I understand you can't see past her yet, but you don't know what life will bring. Yes, 8 years is a long time, but i have to tell myself like others on here have told me, it's not your whole life.

 

Hang in there buddy and please get help asap. Nobody is worth you checking yourself out!

 

fetish

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Peaches I understand money is short, but you need to reach out to a professional. When a person tries to kill themselves, that is as low a point as you can get in your life. You are probably looking at the mountain infront of you and think it's too big to climb. I'm not sure what your family/friends situation is, but could they pay for therapy for you? If you reach out I'm sure someone will be able to help out. Please don't let pride get in the way of reaching out. Your life is too important for that. A professional will help you get to the bottom of these suidical feelings, more importantly they will help you stop your 'toxic thinking' and help you refocus your energies/thoughts so that you can start thinking/believing and behaving in a positive light.

 

You can get yourself out of this mess with the correct support structure and understanding. But at the end of the day, you have to want to get yourself out of this hole. I have lost a 7 year relationship before, so I know you can recover and meet someone very special. As the posters said above, no one is worth losing your life over. If you feel sad/depressed come here. You have more friends, that care about your well being then you realise. This site is the best supportive site on the web. Period. U ever feel low just post here. There are always people here that care about you and that want to help you. There are success stories all over the world of people that have turned their lives around. Some of these people offer advice to those now suffering, because they have been there. Try find a support group in your area. It takes a lot of courage to go to these events and speak up, but it will help and aid in your recovery.

 

The key now is to do something positive everyday. Even if it is something small. It's about taking one small positive step forward each and every day. If you take a step back that's ok, just don't let it be two steps back. Now is the time to sum up the courage you didn't even know you had inside you. Don't say you don't have that courage. We all do. You need to focus on the four main area's of your life that helps us out of depression..

 

1) Emotional

2) Spiritual

3) Physical

4) Financial

 

http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_PEMHealth.htm

 

Get yourself a journal. Use it for two things. Have one section for everyday thoughts. Write how you are feeling and don't edit it. The first thing that pops into your head write it down. You will be amazed hpw therapuetic this is. The second section write down goals. Short term and long term goals. Tick each one off you achieve. It's a great way to build self esteem. Even if there are some goals that are too hard to achieve, replace it with a new goal.

 

I think joining the army in your current mental state is not a good idea. I think you need to face your personal demons now. Going to the army when you are not mentally ready could lead to serious problems down the line. You need to be honest with your family and friends about this. Lastly you need to cut all ties with your ex. No facebook/myspace/twitter. No texts/emails/phoncecalls etc etc. It's like someone cutting your arm off I won't lie, but it is absolutely vital you stick to no contact to help you heal. I posted this on another thread. Stalking an ex's facebook is like pouring hot water on your skin. You know it's going to hard but you do it anyway. This has to stop.

 

You can beat this Peaches..If you want a private chat please send me a private mail.

Best of luck mate..WE ARE ALL BEHIND YOU!!

 

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference"

Edited by Mack05
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The above poster is right and maybe i didn't make it clear in my previous post. Joining the ARMY right NOW is definitely not a good idea, but it's not a bad idea to at least begin to train and workout with that goal in mind. With you being in this state of mind, you want to avoid any screw ups, and trust me, you definitely don't want to leave the military with a dishonorable discharge. That will haunt you for years to come.

 

But the idea right now is to keep yourself busy at this point. Hopefull that clears things up. Good luck buddy. :)

 

fetish

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I just first want to say thanks guys for all the support. This truly is the lowest point in my life. Thanks for all the comments. I have my Aunt checking into some therapy for me and she said it will at least take a few days to set something up.

 

As for the No contact, I know thats whats best for me I just dont know if I can do it and resist it... I want to be strong here I just dont know if I can do that though.. I have been trying to replace the time we spent together with things that I like and love to do, but everything just feels like nothing really. It feels like im just going though the motions to try and get my mind off her and its not working. The only night I have gotten any sleep at all was when I was drunk off my ass. I know drinking isnt the answer but it helps me out temporally. My dad said I cant drink without supervision though. I'm going to drink some more tonight in a little bit so I can get some sleep. Thank you guys again for all the support. Im just trying to make it minute by minute right now.

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Peaches going to post some various stuff (from other threads) that I hope is helpful for you. You don't need me to tell you just how unhealthy your past relationship was. I really don't see how you can mend something that is so broken and more importantly why would you want to?. I wrote a thread on addictive personalities -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281521/. Unless you have gone through something like this its hard to be empathetic. I have been involved in a toxic relationship in the past, but nothing on the level you are describing. Addictive/Toxic relationships are the toughest to move on. But I guarentee you in time, you will look back and wonder what the hell was I thinking!

 

I think you need to focus on getting over this guy and learning how to improve yourself as a person. I would recommend three books for you. 1) How to break your addiction to a person (http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your.../dp/0553382497) 2) "Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship" 3) Getting past your breakup by Susan J Elliot. From reading your post she doesn't want to work with you on resolving your issues as a couple, therefore its impossible to go forward. I think it's a good thing too because this is as toxic a relationship as you can get. It will only get worse in time. In my opinion things have gone to far. I think it's time to leave go and move forward with your life. As you read in my thread above I know how hard this process is, but if I can do it then so can you..

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

I am reading a pretty helpful book (one of many I have read recently) called Getting Past your breakup ->http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Y.../dp/B0026A6C4U

There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

 

I am now nearly 2 months NC (was written awhile back, I'm more like 6 now and in a new relationship). I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC

 

1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it..

2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send..

3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS..

4) Take a long hot bath..

5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back..

6) Go for a long scenic walk..

7) Go to the gym..

8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days!

9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again..

10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one..

 

Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better...

_________________________________________________________________________

 

Moving on from an Ex guide...(from match.com)

 

1) Is it really over? Maybe she's testing you? Maybe you're testing her? Maybe this is the 10th time you've 'broken up' in as many months? Only you know if this really is the end, but if it is, take your fingers off the keypad. "You need to talk about it," says Kate Taylor, relationship expert at match.com. "But not to her. Repeat, not to her."

2) Chat to girls. But not like that. At least, not yet. "Instead of spending hours crafting the perfect 'casual, yet meaningful...' text message to your ex, spend the time talking it out with your friends instead," says Taylor. "Female friends are perfect, as they'll be sympathetic and supportive and will encourage you to get everything emotional out in the open." That's a good thing, apparently.

3) Clean her out. We don't mean financially. We mean, clean her out of your life, or if that's impossible, at least get rid of reminders of her from your home. It will be painful, and there'll always be the temptation to stare mournfully at old photos wondering about what might have been. But it's for the best, because from now on it's your space again."If the whole place reminds you of her, move some furniture around, redecorate, or make small changes like covering the sofa in a new throw," says Taylor. "Ask your female friends what a 'throw' is," she adds, unhelpfully. This won't just stop you being surrounded by memories. Apparently, novelty helps boost your brain's dopamine stores, which will lift your mood

4) Get Fit. Breaking up is not just one long dark night of the soul, even if sometimes it feels like it. There are opportunities for self-improvement too, and one of them is to get fit, which will make you feel better about yourself, your body and life in general. In fact, a good idea is to hit the gym on those occasions when you used to see her, which can be the most maudlin times of all. "Channel your misery into physical activity - running, cross-training, rowing, swimming... anything where you can challenge yourself," says Taylor. "It will release naturally anti-depressant endorphins, distract your mind from repetitive ex-thoughts, and put you in an environment filled with fit, attractive women." This last point is important. You might not feel like dating right now, but seeing those hard-bodied babes will at least make you realise that - wonderful though she was... is.... whatever - she isn't the only girl in the world.

5) Do New stuff. Play chess, learn to cook, join the work squash league, start collecting model trains...anything. Apparently, we can only hold seven thoughts at one time. If you fill your brain up with other stuff, you'll slowly squeeze out thoughts of your ex. And of course during one or two of those activities you might meet other women... not that you're interested in any of that. Yet

6) Get ahead work wise. One way to squeeze thoughts of her out of your head is to ask for new tasks at work, which has the added bonus of making you look conscientious and hard working and putting you in line for a promotion. Throwing yourself into work, like hitting the gym, is one way to get positives out of what at first looks like a wholly negative event. "Not only will new challenges break up your daily routine, but it will be a positive distraction," says Taylor. "It doesn't matter if it's driven by wanting to impress your ex at the start - 'If I get a brilliant new job, she'll want me back' - this will be short lived."As time passes, you'll enjoy the new challenge for itself and success at work will boost your self-esteem."

7) Take an evening class to boost your career skills, or a weekend course to learn a new language. Again, it's a good idea to schedule this kind of stuff for the times you used to see her, to emphasise the psychological boost of squeezing positive benefits from a bad situation.

8) Do the things she hates. No, not ringing her repeatedly at four in the morning and threatening her goldfish - these things will get you a court order. Instead, do all the stuff that you really like doing but she hated, just to prove that life without her won't be all bad. For example, if she loved beach holidays, book a city break with a mate. That way you won't be tempted to spend the whole time wondering what you'd be doing if she was with you. In the same vein, watch favourite films you know she didn't like, go to old man pubs rather than the swanky bars she preferred, and wear the jeans you love but she turned her nose up at.

9) In fact, talk to The Boys. Once you're over the initial shock of the break-up, your male friends become an invaluable resource for fun and forgetting (not so much straight away, when female friends may be more useful - see above)."Later on, your male mates will come into their own, teasing you to cheer you up and taking you back out on the town," says Taylor. And by confiding in them, bantering with them and being out with them, you reinforce the bonds of your friendship. Even blokes can get a bit distracted in a heavy relationship. Another positive of your break-up may be the opportunity to reconnect with the friends who will be with you as girlfriends come and go. Slowly but surely, get back in the game...Only you'll know when it's the right time to date again, and there's nothing wrong in taking it very slowly indeed. As long as you're honest and up front, it's OK to look for no-strings arrangements, too."It's alright to take things slow for a while and allow a bit of time to regain your confidence. Online dating can be a great way of doing this as it gives you the chance to connect with new people even when you're perhaps not quite up to that first date just yet," says Taylor.

10) And by the time you're thinking about other women, however tentatively, you can breathe a huge sigh of relief. You're over the worst, and you've broken up without breaking down. You've even made yourself a better catch in the process. It's been a long road, but you've come a long way baby!

Edited by Mack05
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Just an update. Some of my friends took me out last night to a few different bars then a club. It seemed to help at first, but then after I was at the club for 30mins-hour I just couldn't stop thinking about her. Its just so ****ed up that I can be staring at a beautiful woman in front of me and all I can picture is her. I just cant stop thinking about her no matter what I do. Im still looking for a new job as well to try and have that help me with things and help to refocus.

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