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After 8 years Im so lost.


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

 
 
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Old 18th September 2011, 2:34 PM   #1
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Exclamation After 8 years Im so lost.

Sorry for the long wall of text...

I tried to talk with my friends and family but they just can't help me the way a stranger can I guess. My feinace just shattered my heart and broke up with me. We have been together for just shy of 8 years this Jan. 17. I am only 22 but I knew back when we met I had already met my soul mate. I know its rare to marry your high school sweet heart and stay together with them your whole life, but that was our plan. When I met my girl she had all kinds of, baggage I guess you could say. She was ADD, Bypolor, Depressed, and at times suicidal. We overcame a lot together by sticking with each other through the hard times she and us were having. We were each others firsts and we never slept with anyone else. Over the years we learned everything there was to learn about each other. She went into a psych ward 3 times while I was with her and I stuck by her side the whole time. After a while I started to see her really bloossem into an amazing woman over the years. Things started to settle down and she became much more stable. We were so strong as a couple. About a year ago I mentioned going and joining the Army to help provide a better future for us. She turned the idea down because she said she might not be able to handle me being gone for such a long period of time. Then it got brought back up about 4 months ago. She started to really think about it for a while. After a few months of talking back in forth we both decided that its whats best for our future. So we started the whole long process. So I finally joined up in the Army. Im in the Delayed entry program right now as we speak. I'm set to ship out for bootcamp Feb. 28, 2012. Im signed up and an Army Cav Scout. Soon after this my girl started to play a lot of online gaming. She talked and met a lot of nice people online. One of them was a guy who took more interest in her then he should have. And the big problem is that she flirted with him back. Of course I didnt know any of this was happening at the time. Long story short, we just broke up about 3 weeks ago. She met another girl online who offered to help ease the pain and fly her out to California free of charge. She told me that she couldn't pass up the chance to go out there and see cali for the first time. I didnt blame her because we live up here in Maine and nothing really happens up here compared to cali. All I asked her was to put the trip off for a few weeks or a month so we could see where we were with everything. We have broken up before and we have always got back together because we can't be without each other. She told me no, that she was leaving right away in 4 days. So she went out there and got drunk and stoned the whole time. She was there for 2 weeks total. After the first week she told me that Oliver, (The guy she met online that she was flirting with) was going to meet her down there for 4 days to hang out. At this point I already knew who he was and I flipped out. I know that at the time we were broken up, but you just cant forget about a person over night and thats what she wanted me to do. Shed ended up sleeping with him 3 times while he was there. Of course I didnt know this yet so I had a BIG surprise for her when she got back from Cali. I waited at the airport with 24 roses. I had 8 strangers meet her getting off her plane each with one rose. They told her that each one represented 1 year of love. Then I came out with the rest of the 16 roses and said, "And these represent the many years to come". She was so thrown back by it I though I had won her back. She loved it so much and started to cry. On the 3 hour ride home I had 3 bears for her, and her favorite 2 things of candy in the car. Then later when we got home I had 20+ candles lite in our room with flower petals all over our bed. She loved everything. Then thats when she started to break down and tell me everything that happened with Oliver in cali. I didnt know what to do, but I held strong and said tonight is just about us, lets have a good night. She ended up just going to sleep which was ok with me. The next day everything just started to fall apart. The next few days she was still flirting with the guy online and doing all kinds of things she shouldnt be. I just got kicked out of our house a few days ago. She is now planing on going to NY in less then a few weeks to spend a week with him at his parents/his place. I told her that no matter what I say I understand I cant make her love me, and I cant change her mind on going or not going to NY to see him. I basically said I wont be waiting for you when you get back from NY. Im not going to be your fall back guy when everything doesnt work out for you with him. She keeps telling me that shes not "with him" but i know better. I just talked with her today about all this and she let me know thats its basically all over I guess. I will post a few of our messages later to help better explain.

Im just so crushed right now. She was my whole life. I joined the Army not for me, but for us. I just wanted to give her everything shes ever wanted out of life. Im so lost right now if I should stick with the Army or not. I just want some outside advice from other people. My friends and family say I should still go and its going to be whats best for me so I haven't told any of this to my recruiter yet just in case I still plan on joining. I tried to kill myself 3 times now. Im at such a low point in life were I dont know how to crawl back. I just dont know how she can say she loves me one week and wants to marry me, then 1 week later she breaks up with me and does this whole Cali thing with Oliver. Im kind of stable right now with my mom and dad looking after me, but Im still just so sad and lonely. I dont know if I have the strength to get up off my knees.

This song kind of puts my life into prospective a little bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZbN_...&feature=share
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Old 18th September 2011, 2:37 PM   #2
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This thread might help you mate, a girl through through a similar loss of an 8th year relationship... -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t298040/
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Old 18th September 2011, 3:31 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Mack05 View Post
This thread might help you mate, a girl through through a similar loss of an 8th year relationship... -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t298040/
Thanks for the link.
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Old 19th September 2011, 10:54 AM   #4
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It now looks like they are starting to post **** on Facebook now. Man this really hurts...
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Old 19th September 2011, 12:51 PM   #5
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Hey there, just read your post and another reply by you re facebook. Reading this post I can only imagine how devasted you must be feeling, you sound like you have really stuck by this girl and been incredibly romantic and supportive. Unfortunatly people with such issues as your gf has takes a lot of time to sort out, and her being young too adds to the problems of staying in a stable relationship-sounds crazy I know, who wouldnt want a guy who loves and cherishes them.
She may have gigs (the grass is greener syndrome) theres loads of posts on here about that, check out Homebrews ones, plus any of Macks (guy above this). Its great you have found this site as its very supportive and the advuce you are given is invaluable, i wish I had listened to and followed it from the first day of my break up.
The key is to have no contact-this is really difficult i know, i tried and so far only managed 2 weeks so far but it is the one thing that has helped. Dont make the mistake of thinking you can win her back by showing her how wonderful you are, trust me she knows. To avoid yourself getting anymore hurt, and this pain is like nothing else, we have all been there. Do NOT look at fb anymore, defriend her, or block her. Seeing her psots etc is only going to make you feel like **** and will make you want to call, get answers and just anything to make you feel better. It wont, this will make you feel worse, if thats at all possible.
The best thing you can do is have no contact. This is not to try and get her back, its to protect yourself, your dignity, your heart and your soul. You will get through this.
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Old 19th September 2011, 1:26 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by sleepykitten View Post
Hey there, just read your post and another reply by you re facebook. Reading this post I can only imagine how devasted you must be feeling, you sound like you have really stuck by this girl and been incredibly romantic and supportive. Unfortunatly people with such issues as your gf has takes a lot of time to sort out, and her being young too adds to the problems of staying in a stable relationship-sounds crazy I know, who wouldnt want a guy who loves and cherishes them.
She may have gigs (the grass is greener syndrome) theres loads of posts on here about that, check out Homebrews ones, plus any of Macks (guy above this). Its great you have found this site as its very supportive and the advuce you are given is invaluable, i wish I had listened to and followed it from the first day of my break up.
The key is to have no contact-this is really difficult i know, i tried and so far only managed 2 weeks so far but it is the one thing that has helped. Dont make the mistake of thinking you can win her back by showing her how wonderful you are, trust me she knows. To avoid yourself getting anymore hurt, and this pain is like nothing else, we have all been there. Do NOT look at fb anymore, defriend her, or block her. Seeing her psots etc is only going to make you feel like **** and will make you want to call, get answers and just anything to make you feel better. It wont, this will make you feel worse, if thats at all possible.
The best thing you can do is have no contact. This is not to try and get her back, its to protect yourself, your dignity, your heart and your soul. You will get through this.
Thanks kitten. I know everyone around keeps telling me that it happens to almost everyone etc, but I just feel like I put SO much into this relationship that I cant let go of it this easily. I need to hold on and try and win her back. I know I most likely wont or cant win her back, but I still feel like If I give up, Im doing just that. Giving up on the most important thing in my life. The one thing that keep me grounded...
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Old 19th September 2011, 1:48 PM   #7
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Peaches....she slept with someone else, and is going to see him in new york??? Stop, think....so if you get her back, then what, she knows she can do this again and you'll forever be feeling insecure. You have to pick yourself up. Just dont do anything just yet ok. Wait and hear from some of the other guys on this site...wilson...mack...homebrew.....get here and help this poor guy out please!!!
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Old 19th September 2011, 1:54 PM   #8
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Peaches...she slept with someone else, and is going to new york to see him..right?? She knows how you feel, do you think by running after her she is going to tell you what you want, and if you get back with her this way she knows she can do this again and most likely will as you will be showing her that this is ok for you to accept. I know you are in a world of pain right now...but your mistake is in thinking that she grounds you. Please dont do anything just yet, you need to speak to some of the other guys on this board...mack, wilson, homebrew, gee girl, graceful......give them a shout out and listen please just for a while before you go racing round there with your shattered heart on a plate.
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Old 19th September 2011, 2:02 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by PeachesInc View Post
Sorry for the long wall of text...

I tried to talk with my friends and family but they just can't help me the way a stranger can I guess. My feinace just shattered my heart and broke up with me. We have been together for just shy of 8 years this Jan. 17. I am only 22 but I knew back when we met I had already met my soul mate. I know its rare to marry your high school sweet heart and stay together with them your whole life, but that was our plan. When I met my girl she had all kinds of, baggage I guess you could say. She was ADD, Bypolor, Depressed, and at times suicidal. We overcame a lot together by sticking with each other through the hard times she and us were having. We were each others firsts and we never slept with anyone else. Over the years we learned everything there was to learn about each other. She went into a psych ward 3 times while I was with her and I stuck by her side the whole time. After a while I started to see her really bloossem into an amazing woman over the years. Things started to settle down and she became much more stable. We were so strong as a couple. About a year ago I mentioned going and joining the Army to help provide a better future for us. She turned the idea down because she said she might not be able to handle me being gone for such a long period of time. Then it got brought back up about 4 months ago. She started to really think about it for a while. After a few months of talking back in forth we both decided that its whats best for our future. So we started the whole long process. So I finally joined up in the Army. Im in the Delayed entry program right now as we speak. I'm set to ship out for bootcamp Feb. 28, 2012. Im signed up and an Army Cav Scout. Soon after this my girl started to play a lot of online gaming. She talked and met a lot of nice people online. One of them was a guy who took more interest in her then he should have. And the big problem is that she flirted with him back. Of course I didnt know any of this was happening at the time. Long story short, we just broke up about 3 weeks ago. She met another girl online who offered to help ease the pain and fly her out to California free of charge. She told me that she couldn't pass up the chance to go out there and see cali for the first time. I didnt blame her because we live up here in Maine and nothing really happens up here compared to cali. All I asked her was to put the trip off for a few weeks or a month so we could see where we were with everything. We have broken up before and we have always got back together because we can't be without each other. She told me no, that she was leaving right away in 4 days. So she went out there and got drunk and stoned the whole time. She was there for 2 weeks total. After the first week she told me that Oliver, (The guy she met online that she was flirting with) was going to meet her down there for 4 days to hang out. At this point I already knew who he was and I flipped out. I know that at the time we were broken up, but you just cant forget about a person over night and thats what she wanted me to do. Shed ended up sleeping with him 3 times while he was there. Of course I didnt know this yet so I had a BIG surprise for her when she got back from Cali. I waited at the airport with 24 roses. I had 8 strangers meet her getting off her plane each with one rose. They told her that each one represented 1 year of love. Then I came out with the rest of the 16 roses and said, "And these represent the many years to come". She was so thrown back by it I though I had won her back. She loved it so much and started to cry. On the 3 hour ride home I had 3 bears for her, and her favorite 2 things of candy in the car. Then later when we got home I had 20+ candles lite in our room with flower petals all over our bed. She loved everything. Then thats when she started to break down and tell me everything that happened with Oliver in cali. I didnt know what to do, but I held strong and said tonight is just about us, lets have a good night. She ended up just going to sleep which was ok with me. The next day everything just started to fall apart. The next few days she was still flirting with the guy online and doing all kinds of things she shouldnt be. I just got kicked out of our house a few days ago. She is now planing on going to NY in less then a few weeks to spend a week with him at his parents/his place. I told her that no matter what I say I understand I cant make her love me, and I cant change her mind on going or not going to NY to see him. I basically said I wont be waiting for you when you get back from NY. Im not going to be your fall back guy when everything doesnt work out for you with him. She keeps telling me that shes not "with him" but i know better. I just talked with her today about all this and she let me know thats its basically all over I guess. I will post a few of our messages later to help better explain.

Im just so crushed right now. She was my whole life. I joined the Army not for me, but for us. I just wanted to give her everything shes ever wanted out of life. Im so lost right now if I should stick with the Army or not. I just want some outside advice from other people. My friends and family say I should still go and its going to be whats best for me so I haven't told any of this to my recruiter yet just in case I still plan on joining. I tried to kill myself 3 times now. Im at such a low point in life were I dont know how to crawl back. I just dont know how she can say she loves me one week and wants to marry me, then 1 week later she breaks up with me and does this whole Cali thing with Oliver. Im kind of stable right now with my mom and dad looking after me, but Im still just so sad and lonely. I dont know if I have the strength to get up off my knees.

This song kind of puts my life into prospective a little bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZbN_...&feature=share
I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I'm afraid too much has happened for you to try to salvage the relationship. Her emotional investment is now with the friends/lovers she has from the online gaming. There's nothing you can really do at this point to win her back. You've tried as much as you could. Gaming can be addictive, and people get sucked into it and the relationships that are formed from it. Same thing with internet chat rooms. I know a woman who destroyed her marriage because she was addicted to internet chat rooms, and ended up falling for a guy she met on there. I would suggest you let her go at this point, and continue your plan to serve in the army. And please seek professional counseling to help you deal with this ASAP. No woman is worth ending your life over. Your life has meaning apart from this woman. She is not, or should not be, everything to you. She was only a part of your life, and your life without her still has value and meaning. You will get past this in time. Please see a counselor to help you deal with this.
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Old 19th September 2011, 2:38 PM   #10
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Im going to try and see a counselor soon, but money is short right now so Im looking at my options that I have.
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Old 19th September 2011, 2:45 PM   #11
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Im going to try and see a counselor soon, but money is short right now so Im looking at my options that I have.
If you join the army, I'm sure they offer free counseling to its soldiers. I suggest you take advantage of that. In the meantime, there are counselors who provide services on a sliding fee schedule based on your ability to pay. You may also want to consider talking to a counselor from the clergy. Their services are usually free of charge.
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Old 19th September 2011, 5:44 PM   #12
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Hey Peaches,

sorry about your pain man. I know you have a million thoughts in your head right now but its best to keep busy and i would probably follow your friends' advice and keep training to go in to the army. I know during the time of a broken heart is not the time to really take on any new projects or anything, but the only thing to do is to keep yourself busy and live life for yourself. At this point, joining the ARMY should only be about you, and no longer for the "us" factor.

Please get help. A broken heart can make you feel like dying but will not kill you, and it shouldn't cause you to want to kill yourself. You have a whole life ahead of you . I understand you can't see past her yet, but you don't know what life will bring. Yes, 8 years is a long time, but i have to tell myself like others on here have told me, it's not your whole life.

Hang in there buddy and please get help asap. Nobody is worth you checking yourself out!

fetish
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Old 19th September 2011, 6:24 PM   #13
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Peaches I understand money is short, but you need to reach out to a professional. When a person tries to kill themselves, that is as low a point as you can get in your life. You are probably looking at the mountain infront of you and think it's too big to climb. I'm not sure what your family/friends situation is, but could they pay for therapy for you? If you reach out I'm sure someone will be able to help out. Please don't let pride get in the way of reaching out. Your life is too important for that. A professional will help you get to the bottom of these suidical feelings, more importantly they will help you stop your 'toxic thinking' and help you refocus your energies/thoughts so that you can start thinking/believing and behaving in a positive light.

You can get yourself out of this mess with the correct support structure and understanding. But at the end of the day, you have to want to get yourself out of this hole. I have lost a 7 year relationship before, so I know you can recover and meet someone very special. As the posters said above, no one is worth losing your life over. If you feel sad/depressed come here. You have more friends, that care about your well being then you realise. This site is the best supportive site on the web. Period. U ever feel low just post here. There are always people here that care about you and that want to help you. There are success stories all over the world of people that have turned their lives around. Some of these people offer advice to those now suffering, because they have been there. Try find a support group in your area. It takes a lot of courage to go to these events and speak up, but it will help and aid in your recovery.

The key now is to do something positive everyday. Even if it is something small. It's about taking one small positive step forward each and every day. If you take a step back that's ok, just don't let it be two steps back. Now is the time to sum up the courage you didn't even know you had inside you. Don't say you don't have that courage. We all do. You need to focus on the four main area's of your life that helps us out of depression..

1) Emotional
2) Spiritual
3) Physical
4) Financial

http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_PEMHealth.htm

Get yourself a journal. Use it for two things. Have one section for everyday thoughts. Write how you are feeling and don't edit it. The first thing that pops into your head write it down. You will be amazed hpw therapuetic this is. The second section write down goals. Short term and long term goals. Tick each one off you achieve. It's a great way to build self esteem. Even if there are some goals that are too hard to achieve, replace it with a new goal.

I think joining the army in your current mental state is not a good idea. I think you need to face your personal demons now. Going to the army when you are not mentally ready could lead to serious problems down the line. You need to be honest with your family and friends about this. Lastly you need to cut all ties with your ex. No facebook/myspace/twitter. No texts/emails/phoncecalls etc etc. It's like someone cutting your arm off I won't lie, but it is absolutely vital you stick to no contact to help you heal. I posted this on another thread. Stalking an ex's facebook is like pouring hot water on your skin. You know it's going to hard but you do it anyway. This has to stop.

You can beat this Peaches..If you want a private chat please send me a private mail.
Best of luck mate..WE ARE ALL BEHIND YOU!!

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference"

Last edited by Mack05; 19th September 2011 at 6:29 PM..
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Old 19th September 2011, 7:12 PM   #14
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The above poster is right and maybe i didn't make it clear in my previous post. Joining the ARMY right NOW is definitely not a good idea, but it's not a bad idea to at least begin to train and workout with that goal in mind. With you being in this state of mind, you want to avoid any screw ups, and trust me, you definitely don't want to leave the military with a dishonorable discharge. That will haunt you for years to come.

But the idea right now is to keep yourself busy at this point. Hopefull that clears things up. Good luck buddy.

fetish
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Old 19th September 2011, 7:18 PM   #15
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I just first want to say thanks guys for all the support. This truly is the lowest point in my life. Thanks for all the comments. I have my Aunt checking into some therapy for me and she said it will at least take a few days to set something up.

As for the No contact, I know thats whats best for me I just dont know if I can do it and resist it... I want to be strong here I just dont know if I can do that though.. I have been trying to replace the time we spent together with things that I like and love to do, but everything just feels like nothing really. It feels like im just going though the motions to try and get my mind off her and its not working. The only night I have gotten any sleep at all was when I was drunk off my ass. I know drinking isnt the answer but it helps me out temporally. My dad said I cant drink without supervision though. I'm going to drink some more tonight in a little bit so I can get some sleep. Thank you guys again for all the support. Im just trying to make it minute by minute right now.
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