Messy or did I Mess up?

[Clarity23]

Ok. I'll try and make this short but it's not likely so I hope you can bare with me.

 

A little over a year ago I started dating my co worker. We dated for about 2-3 months. Basically she was more into me than I was into her. I enjoyed spending time with her but I remember telling myself I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I think it was also because of the where I was at in life. I just moved out to the beach, summer was just starting, I recently started a new job and made new friends and on top of that I was a year out of a relationhip that was terrible. I guess I just wasn't willing to settle down with someone unless it was someone I absolutely couldn't refuse. Part of me also told myself that the next serious relationship I get in, I want to last so I'm going to be more careful with who I pick.

 

So anyway after a few months she told me that she wanted more and I said that I wasn't ready and just wanted to be friends. She agreed and said that was fine and that we could be friends and when I was ready for something more then we could see where it would go.

 

Keep in mind that she was actually very hurt by this and throughout the relationship I, according to how she felt, treated her badly and hurt her badly.

 

So we tried to be friends but she couldn't handle it when she found out that I started getting interested in someone else. And she actually tried sabotaging my relationship with the new girl I was dating.

 

Eventually a few months later she started dating another guy from work and they became boyfriend and girlfriend. I was fine with this. I continued to date around casually but no one really stuck with me.

 

So about 6 months pass and I start seeing her at work a little more often and I begin to want her back. I also hear that she is not very happy in her current relationship and has been asking other co workers how I've been doing and most of them insisted that I could probably get her back.

 

So at this point I have dated around and no one has really caught my interest or compared to her. Also I am getting older, my friends who were once single now have girlfriends and I overall just feel like I'm ready for something a little more serious. I start thinking that maybe I let something good go and I just didn't realize it. Now she has a BF and I could lose my chance forever.

 

So I start emailing her at work. Asking if she would like to grab coffee and meet up. At first she is hesitant but I keep persisting. She asks me why I want to hang out so bad and I tell her I still have feelings for her. She says she's not just gonna fall back for me after I didn't care the first time. She eventually agrees to meet up with me. My plan was to sit her down, catch up for a bit and ask her if she was happy in her relationship and if she thought there would ever be a chance of us giving it another try. But before I could do that she breaks up with her BF.

 

4 days after she breaks up with him. We hang out and hit it off right away. Just like old times. We hang out for 2 weeks and she is showing all the signs that she is really into me again. but during the second week I got very busy with work and I had to keep turning down offers she was making to hang out with me. Then she asks me to hang out over the weekend but I had plans with friends so I told her I could hang out with her on that Sunday. She agreed. But seemed upset that I was "such a busy guy".

 

This is where everything changed. We talked a bit over the weekend. Everything seemed fine. She even voiced her concern that she felt like she was just "another one" of the many girls I'm probably dating. I assure her that is not the case and there is no one else. Which there really wasn't.

 

So she does her thing and I do my thing that weekend. We hang out on Sunday and everything once again seems normal. Then the next day I contact her to hang out and she seems different. A little stand offish.

 

At this point I start panicking and wondering what happened. "She must have met someone else over the weekend" I though to myself. So I decided I should have a talk with her and let her know that I want to do this right this time and that I want to give the relationship a real chance.

 

I call her and ask if she can talk.. she says "am I in trouble?" and I say "why would you be in trouble?" she then says she thought I may have over heard at work that her friend tried introducing her to someone. (I didn't hear anything at work). I just reply with "i'll talk to you when i get there"

 

So I go over there and I find out that her friend did try introducing her to a guy that weekend but she insisted that she had no interest in him whatsoever. I then begin to tell her that I want to take the relationship more seriously and basically want to be exclusive.

 

She agrees to it that night and just says she still wants to be able to go out with her girlfriends when she wants etc.. i tell her of course she can. I encourage her to have time away from me when she wants.

 

So everything seems fine. Then 2 days later she texts me and tries to break it off basically saying she had time to think and she needs time to herself, she just got out of a relationship and needs to have a clear head before she makes the next move.

 

I freak out. I go have a talk with her. She basically says she likes me alot but dosn't want to get into anything serious right now. She wants to be open to meeting someone if it comes up. If she goes out and someone sparks her interest she wants to be open to it and not feel like she can't.

 

I foolishly agree and say we can just take it day by day, continue to hang out like we have been and see where it goes.

 

So basically over the next month she was very hot and cold. One week would barely contact me or hang out. The next week hang out almost everyday until eventually she just kept slowly pulling away and I couldn't take it anymore. During this time I tried my best to show her I cared for her. Took her out, was very nice and affectionate, I just wanted to show her that I was serious this time and really wanted it to work.

 

I had one final talk with her to see where she stood and she basically said she really cared and likes hanging out with me but the more we hang out the more she likes me and feels like it is going in the direction of a relationship and she doesn't like that. She wants to still be able to explore other options and be single for the summer.

 

I tell her I can't do that anymore. I like her and want a serious relationship and if that's not what she wants, I can't wait around any longer.

 

So we decide to stop hanging out. 2 days later she removes me off her Facebook and I find out from friends she is posting pictures of her and a guy at a amusement park. After she told me there was no one else in the picture and she wanted to see where it would go with us.

 

Shortly after she gets in a committed relationship with this guy and they are BF and GF.

 

I was devastated. She said she didn't want a BF and then gets one right after me. I go 3 weeks no contact then I buckle. I was/am still so confused on what happened. I just want closure. Want to know why it didn't work.

 

I try contacting her to get closure. She says there is nothing to talk about. It's just not going to work out with us. I ask to just meet up for a few minutes so we can talk.

 

Keep in mind we work together and I'm just hoping she can talk to me so I can get some clarity and we can be on good terms so it will not be awkward.

 

She ignores my request. Then I see her at work like a week or 2 later. She texts me saying she dosn't want it to be akward etc but she dosn't want to go back and forth. I say "there is no back and forth, I just want some clarity". She once again ignores my request.

 

3 or 4 weeks pass. I am still struggling with it. Then I see her at a work party. She is very drunk. We talk for a bit. She keeps giving me these long drawn out hugs for like 20 seconds each. I just laugh about it and am friendly with her. I Tell her friends to make sure that she is OK and makes it home safe etc..

 

Then 2 days later she emails me at work. Saying she heard I was concerned about her and how much she appreciates it etc... She also says that she knows that I wanted to talk and get closure earlier so if I still want to we can soon.

 

I say yes I still want to. We make plans to talk the following week and of course when that day comes what does she do? She cancels on me and says "raincheck?" I say ok, when can you meet? She says I'm busy next week I'll let you know.

 

She never lets me know. I contact her a week later and ask her what's up. She says she is super busy. sorry. I respond with one final message basically letting her know I was frustrated cause she was the one who brought up talking again and now is flaking. I told her if she is TRULY busy and can't talk then I understand that. But I don't want the run around either.

 

She doesn't respond.

 

OK. So that is where it stands now. I know that was very long and THANK YOU if you read it all. I did leave out ALOT of details too.

 

That last contact was about a month ago. I am still deeply struggling with this all. I have been going to a therapist, talking with friends and family regularly.

 

I know this is a messy situation. First off trying to make a relationship work that didn't work the first time. We work together. She was already hurt from me the first time and probably didn't trust me. I was even doubting the relationship at first when we did get back together the second time. Part of me felt like there was too much baggage and I wanted something new.

 

UGGGH!

 

There are just so many theories:

 

I messed up

She didn't like me as much this time

She couldn't open up to me because I hurt her the first time

She wanted something new or a better match

We work together and there was too much baggage.

I didn't really want her back, I just wanted her cause she rejected me the second time.

I only wanted her back cause she had a BF but once she broke up with him I had my doubts.

I forgot about the reasons I broke up with her the first time and was just missing something familiar... etc...

 

Everyone seems to tell me that it's not about her its just about the REJECTION. That I didn't even want her in the first place it was just that I coudln't/can't have her now. But no matter how many people tell me this.

I just can't help but feel like I am to blame for all this. I rejected her the first time and when I had a second chance I went and hung out with my friends that one weekend instead of hanging out with her and it scared her off again and that's when I messed up.

 

I HAD A SECOND CHANCE! AND I MESSED UP!

 

And the worst part is, I work with her and have to see her EVERYDAY. I LOOOOVVVEE my job, make good money and can't bring myself to quit or find another job but at the same time I can't seem to get over this.

 

I just want to know what went wrong! Was it my fault? Am I to blame?

 

This girl wasn't even my GF, we just dated, but I am so distraught over the whole situation.

 

Anyway ok, this is turning into a novel. I just wanted to vent.

 

I would love to have your thoughts, advice, suggestions. Anything to help me see clearly through this situation.

 

THANK YOU.

[Portisphish]

I'm afraid I agree with your friends. move on....she wasn't the one....plus you work together. Asking for trouble. Sounds like you both are young. Chalk it up to experience and find someone you KNOW you are not settling for.

[Dark Phoenix]

Move on.

 

 

you want closure? I'll give you enough for that: You hurt her before, and she doesn't trust you enough to not hurt her again.

[Clarity23]

I'm afraid I agree with your friends. move on....she wasn't the one....plus you work together. Asking for trouble. Sounds like you both are young. Chalk it up to experience and find someone you KNOW you are not settling for.

 

Well we are fairly young. I am 28 she is 25. As far as her being "the one". Is there really such a thing? I believe that there is not just ONE person in this world that someone can be with. Given that belief I should be able to move on and find someone else but at the same time I feel like she was capable of being a good match for me and I blew it. Not once but twice.

 

I always seem to go back thinking that she was a GOOD match for me and my problem was that I was looking for "THE ONE" which really doesn't exist.

[Clarity23]

Move on.

 

 

you want closure? I'll give you enough for that: You hurt her before, and she doesn't trust you enough to not hurt her again.

 

Is it really that simple? If it is so simple then why can't she just tell me that? Why can't she just sit down with me and explain that she just couldn't open up this second time.

 

And if that is the case that she was scared then why did she jump back into things with me so quickly? She was ALLLL about me for the first 2 weeks and then as soon as I go hang out with my friends instead of her that ONE weekend she starts pulling away.

 

The second time around when she was trying to break things off, I asked her if she was afraid I was going to hurt her and that is why she didn't want to take it to the next level. She said no. I didn't really believe her and after that point I tried my BEST to show her I was not going to leave her and that I wanted her. I guess it wasn't enough.

 

I just can't help but blame myself and that is where most of my misery stems from. Self blame and that I ruined something good TWICE!

 

I'm just so confused by her actions this second time around. This would be so much easier if she could just explain to me how she was feeling and what really happened so I can stop blaming myself.

 

It's also very hard to move on when I work with her. It's a constant reminder everyday when I see her and the fact that she wont give me closure really bothers me.

[Hurting123]

Dude you sound just like me.

 

When I read your Story i see it clearly.

 

You are struggling because of REJECTION.

And now your exaggerating your feelings for her, convincing yourself that she was the one. She was never the one. And there was a good reason for it once.

Hindsight can be one of those things that is helpful but it can also be destructive because you view things without the emotion at the time. And love is all about the emotion. The first time you were ok with breaking up with her is the truth. It doesn't matter how you rationalize it in your head now. If you honestly really wanted her... You wouldn't have let her go.

 

It's no suprise that you are thinking about all the mistakes you made now and blame yourself for this and that. That is what people who get caught up with rejection do. I did the same. What if that weekend this and that weekend I did that.

 

The rejection syndrome occurs because you don't have anything else going for you romantically right now. But the great thing about this syndrome buddy is that it disappears the moment you meet someone else worth thinking about.

 

 

Because it was never love. You will never look back in the long run and think.. I wish I was still with her. Because you miss her.. Because you love her etc.

 

From the story it sounds like the girl is a jumper of one relationship to another. She would have never worked out.

She just wants a man. The best one she can find within her immediate vicinity.

 

Ask yourself this.. What are the chances that you actually met the love of your life at the work place. Maybe. But not likely.

 

Remember this everytime your struggling. She was not the right person for you and your too old to waste your time being with someone who you had doubts about from the beginning.

 

It's annoying cause you never got the chance to give her a try. But did you really want to give it a shot and see it fail in another 2-3 years.

 

The right person will come along and it will be natural and it will be mutual and you now know not to mess around when it happens.

[Clarity23]

Dude you sound just like me.

 

When I read your Story i see it clearly.

 

You are struggling because of REJECTION.

And now your exaggerating your feelings for her, convincing yourself that she was the one. She was never the one. And there was a good reason for it once.

Hindsight can be one of those things that is helpful but it can also be destructive because you view things without the emotion at the time. And love is all about the emotion. The first time you were ok with breaking up with her is the truth. It doesn't matter how you rationalize it in your head now. If you honestly really wanted her... You wouldn't have let her go.

 

It's no suprise that you are thinking about all the mistakes you made now and blame yourself for this and that. That is what people who get caught up with rejection do. I did the same. What if that weekend this and that weekend I did that.

 

The rejection syndrome occurs because you don't have anything else going for you romantically right now. But the great thing about this syndrome buddy is that it disappears the moment you meet someone else worth thinking about.

 

 

Because it was never love. You will never look back in the long run and think.. I wish I was still with her. Because you miss her.. Because you love her etc.

 

From the story it sounds like the girl is a jumper of one relationship to another. She would have never worked out.

She just wants a man. The best one she can find within her immediate vicinity.

 

Ask yourself this.. What are the chances that you actually met the love of your life at the work place. Maybe. But not likely.

 

Remember this everytime your struggling. She was not the right person for you and your too old to waste your time being with someone who you had doubts about from the beginning.

 

It's annoying cause you never got the chance to give her a try. But did you really want to give it a shot and see it fail in another 2-3 years.

 

The right person will come along and it will be natural and it will be mutual and you now know not to mess around when it happens.

 

Thank you for the response. I totally understand what you are saying and it makes sense. You are right. Why would I leave her if she was a good match for me and I really DID like her? But at the same time I wonder if i was just being too picky. I mean looking back I think to myself and say what was it that I didn't like? There was not anything major. I enjoyed spending time with her more so than anyone since my ex GF which was almost 3 years ago. She was a waaaaayyyy better match than my ex and we were a lot more compatible. I feel like I was just being too picky and expecting her to be a perect fit when in reality that does not exists. I just don't know. Maybe you are right and I am just looking at it in hindsight through emotion and it is giving me a false perspective but I can't help but feel if I had given it more time or met her now instead of a year ago then I would have not left her.

 

I'm also struggling with why she did reject me this second time. There is no doubt in my mind that she still liked me. Even when she was with her BF and I was starting to contact her to get her back I could tell she still had strong feelings.

 

Something I forgot to mention in my original post was that this second time around after she tried breking things off and telling me she needed time, we continued to hang out but I was never the same. I couldn't be myself and I wasn't myself. She was sooo hot and cold and even when she was hot and showing interest I was very insecure because of her confusing signals. It's as though I didn't believe her or trust her. And I didn't. I wasn't sure when i was going to get another text that said she wanted to break things off.

 

It was extremeley difficult for me to open myself up to her, have her agree to be exclusive then 2 days later tell me she didn't want to, then agree to continue to hang out and keep things open. That's not what I truly wanted but I pretended I was ok with it. It drove me crazy though and I couldn't be myself. I also was convinced that she was hesitant to be with me because I hurt her once before. So I felt as thoug I REALLY needed to show her that I cared but maybe I showed too much.

 

Anyway there was even an incident where we got in an argument (we were drunk) and she got very mad at me and I kinda freaked out and got emotional with her. She even told me the next day that it kinda freaked her out but everythng was fine.

 

I feel as though if I wasn't so insecure and afraid of her leaving me this second time around she would have stayed.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what is was that drove her away. Was it our history? The fact we work together. Wanting what you can't have? Did I push her away by being too needy/emotional? Was there just too much baggage?

 

I know she is gone now and has found someone new but I wish she could just tell me what it was that kept us apart.

 

I guess I'm still blaming myself and looking for ways to stop.

 

Still very confused.

 

I would appreciate any thought you may have.

[Hurting123]

Mate I feel drawn to your story. I've been there.

 

You know in my field of work, people often want to know why they have heart disease. What caused it.

 

And the answer is more complex than that.

 

It's what we call multifactorial.

 

And it's the same here.

 

There is usually no one particular reason why she leaves.

It's never that simple.

Have you ever watched an episode of "lost" where they do a flashback of their life where something happens to them and then they fast forward to the present and it tries to imply that is why that person is the way they are.

I always laughed at that. Because it doesn't work that way. There's usually no definitive event or reason why she did what she did.

 

It's a combination of things

1. You came and went the first time

2. She saw other people after you

3. She had other distractions when she was with you the second time

4. You changed the second time

You went from chilled don't want relationship to insecure is she going to break up with me

The list goes on my friend. And it was the same for me

 

These things changed the way she felt about you.

 

And even then buddy. If all of these things disnt happen, she could have still changed the way she felt about you.

Why does she keep jumping relationships?

Because she doesn't know what she wants.

These people often want what they can't have.

She couldn't have u the first time.... Liked u more.

Second time round... This was different.

 

It's all of these reasons.

 

The moment you accept it would have never worked out.. Is the moment you will get your closure. And you can start to heal.

 

Rejection syndrome - the closure comes from within. Trust me.

[Clarity23]

Mate I feel drawn to your story. I've been there.

 

You know in my field of work, people often want to know why they have heart disease. What caused it.

 

And the answer is more complex than that.

 

It's what we call multifactorial.

 

And it's the same here.

 

There is usually no one particular reason why she leaves.

It's never that simple.

Have you ever watched an episode of "lost" where they do a flashback of their life where something happens to them and then they fast forward to the present and it tries to imply that is why that person is the way they are.

I always laughed at that. Because it doesn't work that way. There's usually no definitive event or reason why she did what she did.

 

It's a combination of things

1. You came and went the first time

2. She saw other people after you

3. She had other distractions when she was with you the second time

4. You changed the second time

You went from chilled don't want relationship to insecure is she going to break up with me

The list goes on my friend. And it was the same for me

 

These things changed the way she felt about you.

 

And even then buddy. If all of these things disnt happen, she could have still changed the way she felt about you.

Why does she keep jumping relationships?

Because she doesn't know what she wants.

These people often want what they can't have.

She couldn't have u the first time.... Liked u more.

Second time round... This was different.

 

It's all of these reasons.

 

The moment you accept it would have never worked out.. Is the moment you will get your closure. And you can start to heal.

 

Rejection syndrome - the closure comes from within. Trust me.

 

Yeah that makes sense. It's not as simple as one reason. Man I just remember wanting her to break up with her BF sooooo bad and when she did I feel like I still took it for granted. I know whatever her actions/thoughts were were completely in her control and I had no control over that but I just wish I did everything I could have done right but I don't feel like I did.

 

I just don't understand how she could at one point be scared I was going to hurt her and subconsciously closing herself off to me but at the same time not feeling attraction to me cause I showed her I really cared and she didn't want me cause she KNEW she could have me.

 

That just seems like total opposites of each other. You are scared that I am going to hurt you again but when I show you I'm not going to hurt you and I actually care you don't want it because it is too easy?

 

Also,

 

If she doesn't know what she wants, why is she with someone? She seems happy with him. She had the option to be with me or him or anyone else and she chose him.

 

Ugggghh... I have had so many friends tell me: She's gonna do the same thing to him. It's just a distraction relationship. She will get bored with him. I give it 3 months.

 

But I dunno. I truly feel like she really likes this guy and it is working out between them and it just hurts.

 

That could have been me!