Trying not to hate him....

[Adelais]

No idea if anyone has the time or patience to read this but I could really use some listening and advice right now...

 

So I have a really rough relationship with guys- an ex boy friend was emotionally and physically abusive and I'm still dealing with that now. It took me a really long time to start dating again. Finally I met a guy who seemed different and who, after many conversations and much deliberation, I started dating. He knew about my baggage going into the relationship and was always very patient and kind about some of my hangups. I was pretty hesitant to emotionally commit to the relationship but he always told me that he loved me and was there for me. Two weeks ago our relationship became long distance. I'm working for three months in a different country- I don't know anybody here, but we've talked every night and it's done wonders to keep my spirits up. Last night he called me up and said he couldn't do this anymore because he's not in love with me. This despite having told me he loved me every day since I left. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach- I reacted horribly. I felt so vulnerable and out of control and, for reasons related to my history with men, when I feel like I have no control over a situation, I freak out. And there was no warning. I had no idea he was unhappy or that he didn't still have feelings for me- we hadn't fought, our relationship had been going smoothly and now I feel like it was all just a sex thing which, again related to baggage from previous relationships, just shreds me.

 

I'm at the disadvantage here because I still love him and he doesn't love me anymore. So I feel like I'm flailing and lashing out (want to keep e-mailing him to tell him I hate his guts...etc.) I have so much hate/still love for him right now and I have no idea how to deal with this.

 

 

uuuugh

[Optodadam]

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[Buttercup84]

My ex was emotionaly abusive and then after almost two years ended it because he was no longer in love with me. I can't stop emailing him like a nutter and I also feel this hate and love.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.xx

[silly_panda]

Hate is fine for the moment but don't send him any email telling how much you hate him... After a while... Learn how to forgive... Hang in there...

[Mack05]

Adelais when you have been in bad relationship after bad relationship, bad choice after bad choice, its time to put the focus and emphasis on yourself. I came out of an awful relationship last March. That was my 4th serious relationship (never married) that has failed for me. After previous relationships before this, I would focus on my ex's faults. This time I needed to focus on my own faults.

 

I went to Therapy which was a great help. I think therapy would help you let go of the past and the baggage of the past. During therapy, I started focusing on my faults and forgiving myself for my past mistakes. I have read so many self help books that I have nearly lost count. I have just ordered three more self-help books on Relationship Communication and Insecurity (this looks to be the best -> "Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship")

 

The bottom line is, until you learn to love yourself (I mean truly love yourself) you will never find the loving and nourishing relationship that you crave, that we all crave. Right now it's clear to me that you are not even remotely close to even liking yourself, let alone love yourself. While you are single (and even in a new relationship) you need to continually work on yourself and your flaws. If you don't learn to love yourself, if you don't build self esteem, if you don't beat the insecurities of the past....Trust me, you will continue to make the same mistakes and you will continue to be involved in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. Nothing is a bigger turn off for a man or a woman then an insecure person (believe me I know, I am still dealing with insecurities).

 

The four area's my Therapist told me to always work on..

 

1) Emotional

2) Physical

3) Spiritual

4) To a lesser extent Financial..

 

It's time to forget about your ex. We focus on other people, because we don't want to deal with our own issues. We don't like that uncomfortable feeling so we look elsewhere until these uncomfortable feelings pass. I spent a few weeks afterward my last breakup focusing on my ex's faults. I even sent her a book and what she needs to do to improve herself (eewwwwwwwwwww Cringe!!!!!!!!!!). What a waste of my valuable time. Don't make the same mistake as me. Forgive him. Let him go and focus on you, just you.

 

If you do that eventually you will start to attract the right kind of men, not the wrong one's. I wish you well.

Edited September 11, 2011 by Mack05