stillhurt Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I have been thinking lately that I am delusional. I still believe that the ex cares for me. Whenever I have broken NC, he has replied and been there for me. He will always admit that he had problems and say that he just doesn't want to continue to hurt me by being with me. But, in reality, he is probably with someone who is just giving him what I didn't. Someone who isn't tied to their family as much as me. Someone that is more flexible. I know that he just feels guilty about how he treated me. But, is he really just lessening the guilt he feels or does he still care? And, even if he still does care, it's not the care I really want. So, why do I delude myself. How many will admit that you are also delusional? Link to post Share on other sites
SugarLily Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 When I broke up with my ex I was convinced for months that he was going to turn up on my doorstep with a bunch of flowers. He didn't. And that's why i'm not going to marry this guy. If it's meant to work out - it will. Love isn't easy - but don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you. Often the 'idea' we have of our ex is insanely better than the reality. x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gamechanger Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 i am, my ex did me dirty and i still want to see past it and marry her. even though shes with another guy. i still think things will workout but in all realty its not going to. im afraid because if she makes any attempt to make things right i think ill go back to her like a softie and ruin everything ive worked on. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark Phoenix Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Later on you'll start having fantasies about them coming back and you turning them down. It's all part of the process and you'll get through it. I'm 5.5 months out of my breakup and I'd be lying if I said I don't imagine my ex coming back any more. it started off as her coming back and me accepting, then went to her coming back and me turning her down, now the fantasy is just her coming back. I'm not sure what my response would be if she did come back right now to be honest. I don't want her back but I'm at a point where I don't wish her any harm either. I guess I can only hope that she never comes back so I don't get faced with that scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 (edited) What's with the "we" stuff? What's your question? Does anyone else share your delusional thoughts? Yes, your thoughts at the moment are very delusional and this is why (AHEM) you should pursue counseling through a sliding scale (see if your HMO can give you referrals to a few agencies) or pastoral counseling or another source. Anyhow ... you do need it. But back to you. I still believe that the ex cares for me. Whenever I have broken NC, he has replied and been there for me. He will always admit that he had problems and say that he just doesn't want to continue to hurt me by being with me. This is the oldest, most empty set of words you will ever hear. He doesn't want to hurt you by being with you. Does that even make any sense to you? Please tell me it doesn't make sense .. please. Because it makes no sense to me, it's the biggest bunch of hooey nonsense he's feeding you there. This is tantamount to saying "If I were with you, I'd be using you -- and I'd be using you because you're easy to use -- and I'd be using you because you've made it easy to use you -- and with all that, the bottom line is, I don't really care about you, but you feed my ego so that's why I'd continue to use you." Yeesh, call it what it is. The guy's a juicebag. Let's get it right: he hurts you because he DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. That's right. If he cared about you, he'd be with you, bending over backwards to be with you, making compromises for you and trying to work things out with you. So he's not with you because he DOES NOT CARE. They call this sort of phraseology "word salad" -- Got it? But, in reality, he is probably with someone who is just giving him what I didn't. Someone who isn't tied to their family as much as me. Someone that is more flexible. He is with someone who was the first warm body that would have him. He is with a hot blonde who is waiting by the phone the way you did at first, taking crumbs, hearing all the same sweet talk words, and he's pushing all the same buttons he pushed in you when he first met you. The minute she pushes back, believe it ... watch that relationship go south, deteriorate and watch him begin to erode her confidence and criticize her for not doing what he says, when he wants it, and all the rest. You are taking the downfall of your relationship exactly the way he dished it out: like it is and was your fault. This is delusional, yes it is. He's got you so twisted up believing you were in the wrong for not feeling right about detaching from your family and for not rushing into a relationship with him --- would that have really worked for you? You'd be happy now? He did not make you happy. People who try to control you and make you feel guilty for standing up for your principles are not healthy and certainly not healthy partners for someone like you. He did everything he could to make you doubt yourself -- and here you are. Doubting yourself. Nice job, right? And this is how your life would be if you stayed with him. Watch yourself, your identity, your self reliance, your standards, your principles -- all of that -- erode. I know that he just feels guilty about how he treated me. But, is he really just lessening the guilt he feels or does he still care? And, even if he still does care, it's not the care I really want. So, why do I delude myself. You "know" this? Really? Sorry, but you know nothing of the kind. This man does not suffer from guilt. Sure he cares, perhaps, to see if you're still pining over him, because that feeds his ego very nicely. He sends you crumbs and you return the favor with a nice big ego sandwich. Nice for him, huh? PS You delude yourself because you are in pain and don't want to think you spent the better part of 2 years with a juicebag. But you did. So stop exalting him, it's misguided, very, very misguided. Edited September 10, 2011 by Graceful Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup84 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I have been thinking lately that I am delusional. I still believe that the ex cares for me. Whenever I have broken NC, he has replied and been there for me. He will always admit that he had problems and say that he just doesn't want to continue to hurt me by being with me. But, in reality, he is probably with someone who is just giving him what I didn't. Someone who isn't tied to their family as much as me. Someone that is more flexible. I know that he just feels guilty about how he treated me. But, is he really just lessening the guilt he feels or does he still care? And, even if he still does care, it's not the care I really want. So, why do I delude myself. How many will admit that you are also delusional? I am still at that stage. I go through times where I am in reality and see what a scum bag he is and how he destroyed my confidence. Then I think it was all my fault and I think he is the most perfect thing in the world. I am getting help , and helping myself.Good luck x Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Graceful has hit this on the head. All of this is true and it hurts so bad to come to the realization. But it is what is needed to truly heal and be able to put this behind you. My ex has hurt so many women, some of them have never gotten in serious relationships again. Two of them, 2nd ex wife and the rebound after his 3rd ex wife are in their late 50's, have gained alot of weight, and are unable to have a relationship. Ex wife number two got it the worst. He told her at the breakfast table that he was divorching her and leaving their daughter to marry her best friend. Of course I found all this out from them after our break up. If he was capable of doing that to his wife and only child, think of what he was capable of doing to me....exactly what he did. I decided right then that I was not going to become one of those women, and that no matter what, I was going to have another relationship that is better than anything I ever had with him. 8 months later, I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Yes, we do. Ten characters. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Yes, we do. Ten characters. Not me. Never did. My ex was a cardboard cut out of a human. Nothing there. No delusions what so ever on my part. Seriously. Showed me who he was. What was there to delude myself about?? He wasn't good enough for me in the first place, all he did was confirm that by what he did. So let's take the "we" out of this, okay? We all don't delude. Never crossed my mind that he cared about me because someone that cared about me would never have treated me as he did. I would have felt warped believing that he cared. Nope. Nope. Nope. Never tried to make even one excuse for him, I know my worth and he didn't value me. His loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhurt Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Grace! You are super tough. Wish I had your strength. You were right about the being used part. He even said so at one point. He said he could just use me until I am all used up and there is nothing left between us, but he doesn't want to do that to me. Translation: I just don't want to be with you and make this work. The sad thing is I stood by what I believed was right at the time and didn't give in to his demands. I wanted to be sure that we were right for each other, but he took that as no we are not on the same page. When will all this self doubt end? And, I never meant to say "we" are all delusional. Obviously, I am one. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Graceful has hit this on the head. All of this is true and it hurts so bad to come to the realization. But it is what is needed to truly heal and be able to put this behind you. If he was capable of doing that to his wife and only child, think of what he was capable of doing to me....exactly what he did. I decided right then that I was not going to become one of those women, and that no matter what, I was going to have another relationship that is better than anything I ever had with him. 8 months later, I have. Awesome. Totally awesome outcome for you. You saw him for who he was, knew he was not worthy of your love and went out and found someone who was. Very happy for you and hope you keep going forward in a positive, healthy way. Nice going, Shayla. Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Yes, Ma'am! ten characters. Link to post Share on other sites
olivec Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Grace! You are super tough. Wish I had your strength. You were right about the being used part. He even said so at one point. He said he could just use me until I am all used up and there is nothing left between us, but he doesn't want to do that to me. Translation: I just don't want to be with you and make this work. The sad thing is I stood by what I believed was right at the time and didn't give in to his demands. I wanted to be sure that we were right for each other, but he took that as no we are not on the same page. When will all this self doubt end? And, I never meant to say "we" are all delusional. Obviously, I am one. I think you should try getting some help thats what i've been doing. The person i've been getting help from is called carolin the love coach. She has over a hundred vids on youtube. Her website is www.coaching2love.com Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 He sends you crumbs and you return the favor with a nice big ego sandwich I love this!! I think I did this once when I told him something I would miss about him as it's something the person he is with now will never appreciate, and I regret it:mad:. To the OP, yes I do think I occassionally catch myself being delusional but I try to snap out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
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