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Passive Agressive abuse? Warning: VERY long!!!


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I was just curious if anyone has been in a relationship that involved subtle forms of manipulation and/or mental/verbal abuse?

 

I just (I believe at least) ended one, and my head is still reeling.

 

The background/signs I noticed:

 

Met him at school. We hit it off right away, and within a few days of studying together and opening up to one another, I felt I had found a genuine friend. I was just coming out of a LTR at the time, like, literally had ended it in conjunction with summer classes, and made this clear from the start. This was a 7 year relationship, and it died a slow and painful death. I'm still dealing with it.

 

Anyway, though I felt a strong connection to this guy as well as a strong attraction, I was upfront about being in a negative place. I even said on several different occasions "All I can offer you is my friendship", "My heart is not available" and "I'm worried about feelings developing between us that I can't handle right now". I even broke a one on one engagement with him early on b/c it felt like a 'more than friends' deal - I was honest about why I declined.

 

So, to cut to the chase, I'm not trying to say I navigated this perfectly. It felt really good to click with someone on such an unexpected variety of ways. We initially had great conversations, laughed frequently, and soon became our own little 'unit' at school. I realized that this was alienating me from the rest of my group, but we would always have so much fun and I felt such a strong pull towards him.

 

Anyway, here's where things start to dip... I noticed early off a 'coldness' to him when things didn't go his way. After I declined his invite that one time, he literally ignored me for two days but would put on a superficial charm for everyone else (people I knew he disliked from our discussions). Then, when things thawed, he brought up how he had met some girl at the event and how it was really great that I didn't go b/c if I was there it never would have happened. Went into detail about how attractive, etc.. this girl was. I brought this up at a later point, asking him why he chose to share that info with me. I had already revealed I had feelings for him, but the timing was just off. It's not that I don't want him to find someone if that makes him happy, but this seemed to be included just to hurt me. When I said that, he totally denied that being his intention AT ALL and acted as though I was oversensitive.

 

(Side note: He continued to text with this girl, but when he deemed her not on his level (she was fairly young, too), his texts became cruel and mocking. Some downright mean. This concerned me, and I actually felt sorry for her).

 

As things got more stressful at school, we spent more and more time together studying. One night, we ended up lightly fooling around. Nothing serious at all, but I felt wrong about it almost immediately after. The affection felt good, but lots of little things were beginning to gnaw at me.

 

After that kiss, the entire dynamic shifted. He became very possessive/jealous, pretty much insinuated that any guy I talked to was trying to pull something (and even a few girls!), and would even comment on interactions I had with complete strangers. It could be a cashier or some random stranger who instigated a conversation with ME on line at the movies (some sweet older woman) - Always, it would be met with a 'Oh, YOU were very friendly with so and so just now...what was that about?'. The tone would be joking, but I sensed an underlying contempt and in my head would feel guilty or stupid for how I behaved.

 

Also, he immediately began referring to our relationship as 'serious', referred to me as his girlfriend, and made insinuations about our future - this is within weeks of knowing one another, and days of that first kiss. At this, I tried again, and told him my heart was unavailable and I was still, more or less, in love or tied to someone else.

 

Again, I get ignored for a time, but he acts like Mr. Charming to everyone else. I break down a little, b/c the pressure from school is a lot, I AM lonely, and I do have feelings for him. I tell him that if anything happens, I need to go slow. He makes some comment about not understanding that and if you know your feelings you should be able to enter into something with no doubts - inferring that his feelings for me were more strong/valid. He said he didn't believe in taking things slow and that it was best to go with what felt right.

 

So, from here on out, things grow in intensity. I am in no way trying to play victim, and take my share in letting things progress romantically. However, here's where I noticed the change. When we were just friends, he'd say things like "I want to know all about you" and it sounded genuine. After he 'caught me' I guess, I felt like it was all about him - when he was hungry, what he wanted to watch on TV, etc... Also, I noticed I always ended up being the one driving if we went out anywhere.

 

Another thing I caught was when we were friends, he made a few remarks regarding my appearance. Keep in mind I'm in a full time school program, and I try to look presentable but I'm hardly concerned with glamming up for class. He made some remark about how I never wear my hair down, and another time asked me to remove my glasses to 'see how I would look'. I'll wear contacts when I want to look nice, but when I have a long day ahead I could care less! He also went through my wardrobe and more or less critiqued it, saying he wanted to pick out a nice dress for me but I 'didn't really have any dresses'. (Note: I have about 10 in my closet).

 

Also, I noticed he would only seem interested in what I had to say if it pertained to him in some way. I had revealed a few DEEPLY personal things to him that I have only told my family and one other very close friend, and he accused me of 'never talking about myself'. I don't know what kind of info he was seeking then?

 

Within a RAPID pace (again like 2 weeks), he would just show up at my place with clothes/books for class the next day. I'm a fairly introverted person, in that I need a lot of 'me' time, but he'd act offended when I'd assert this. Also, I wanted to take things slow sexually, as I wasn't really emotionally ready and he had thus far withheld until the correct person came along. I guess he assumed I was the right one, b/c he one night said he was ready, and I said that I thought he should think about it and be sure. I didn't want to be responsible for that if things went bad. He completely shut down and said 'Oh, I wasn't expecting that response" and put on the ice front again. When I tried to talk to him, he just acted deeply offended that I had rejected him. I tried assuring him that it just didn't seem the right time and I didn't want him to have any regrets, at which I got accused of not loving him on the same level. I let it go for the time being, but brought it up this evening when I ended things for good. I said it hurt me a lot that he would put me in that position/guilt me for saying no, and he accused me of turning everything around on him! I said, no I'm just trying to express how I felt at that time, and I felt that you seemed to take it deeply personal. He then dismissed my observation as 'completely out of touch' and that he was really concerned b/c he felt I wasn't ready to commit. I thought not getting sexually involved too fast was the right, respectful thing to do! Silly me!

 

Anyway, so when I ended it tonight, I just more or less said that I felt drained all the time, that I tried but I'm just not in a place to give myself fully to another, and that it hurts me a lot too b/c I do care for him. He on several occasions accused me of throwing 'blame' at him (I never directed any statement towards him, the worst I said was "I felt really ___ when ____ happened) or straight up denied things - i.e. he said he had 'no problem waiting for me' when I said I felt pressured to move too quickly and then said that it was *I* who had sped the pace? Any time I expressed something honest, I was accused of being 'defensive', 'oversensitive', or I'd get a 'what are you TALKING about'?

 

I even said I take FULL responsibility on my end for things going to far and apologized. I admitted that despite trying to set boundaries, I was partly responsible for crossing them and getting carried away by emotions - He then called me 'irresponsible' for following my emotions. Funny, he encouraged me to follow them when he was pursuing me?

 

He then paced around the room huffing and puffing, and sat and stewed in the corner for a while before leaving.

 

Sorry for the length, but I guess I just really needed to vent. Other things I noticed that made me question issues like security/passive aggressive/emotional abuse are these:

 

-General dislike of people, very judgmental but astute at picking people apart.

-Compliments didn't always feel entirely sincere

-Felt like he never listened, unless there was something to gain. I.e. little things were of trivial importance or he'd just talk over me.

-Would not take blame for anything. Got marked down on a paper for not spacing it properly, even though I had showed him mine and that I was sure it was the correct format. He refused to listen to me, and said that I would get marked down and was wrong. Guess who got marked down?

-Would seem uncomfortable or change the subject quickly if I did well on a test or better than him. I don't share my grades, but he'd ask or glance over. The only time he seemed happy was when we got the same score.

-Tried to convince me no one in class was trustworthy. I agree with him to some extent about a few of them, but this seemed more like a way to alienate me.

-Would criticize little things. Some jerk was tailgating me late at night, when I was VERY tired, and then passed me on a dangerous road. When I made a WTF comment about the guy being a bad driver, he goes "Well, you were going 5 miles under the speed limit". I snapped a bit, and said I was tired and in an unfamiliar area, at which he called me 'defensive' and said I was 'acting crazy' as he was simply trying to be nice and look out for my safety.

-Later that night, I was exhausted, had thrown up twice that day, and was emotionally drained. He tried to instigate physical contact and when I wasn't super into it, accused me of practically 'pushing him away' and that I had caused him 'great emotional damage'. I WAS TIRED AND SICK!

-Cutting, sarcastic remarks when I was trying to answer his antagonistic questions ("You WOULD say that" or "Wow, I was sitting in this EXACT spot two weeks ago when you made the same excuses").

-When I said I was hurt, too, he demanded I give him an example of when he'd EVER hurt me or done anything wrong. I knew anything I brought up would be turned against me, so I sat there in silence.

-No apology or acknowledgement of any wrong doing on his part. Made some jibe about having 'unrealistic expectations' about me...

-Was ALWAYS second guessing myself.

-VERY good actor, claimed to be able to cry on demand, but never showed any emotion other than shutting down or repressed anger when we had a disagreement.

 

 

I could go on and on... I apologize for the length and thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

 

I still have to see him on a daily basis, and am not looking forward to tomorrow...

 

Has anyone dealt with this sort of passive aggressive manipulation? It's only been about 7 weeks that I've known this person and what went from an enriching friendship devolved into a series of games and constant self doubt. I don't think he's all bad, just deeply damaged, but those are many of the signs I noticed. They may seem small, but I was/still am often left feeling as though I am crazy, as though I have to refrain expressing myself b/c he'll turn it on me, and even afraid of ending things (despite several attempts - hopefully the last) b/c I now have no one else at school I feel close to.

 

How did you get through? Any tips? Were there any really negative reprocussions if you couldn't break contact due to work or school engagements (or just in general)? Am I crazy/oversensitive? I take fault in letting things go too far, but at the same time I feel like my boundaries and feelings were disregarded a lot.

Edited by Dotty
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You need to enforce your boundaries. Nobody (not even me) is allowed to pass without getting a butt full of saltrock buckshot. Unless this person is going to be able to respect your boundaries, you need to get away from them. You can't fix the problems he has - only he can do that. It sucks, but trying to pull someone out of the mud more often than not will just get you caught in it, too.

 

Nobody likes muddy clothes.

 

good luck

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Thanks, Nohbody,

 

You're totally correct. There is no in between with this type of dynamic. The facade of 'friendship' will last only so long before its back to games and sighs and 'whaaaaaat's!

 

And that's it, I've always had a hard time with boundaries, but I initially thought I did a pretty solid job establishing mine this go around. Apparently some scallywags are more slippery than others!

 

So true too about the muddy clothes, though due to his image consciousness in part, I think he saw ME as the one slipping down a mudslide in need of salvation. He more or less indicated that he felt compelled to help me and that there was a strong person 'deep within'. Yeah, well I hope he's starting to see here, b/c I don't have time for these insidious games - I should be sleeping. Got an early rise n shine around the corner.

 

Night night and thank you, all! :)

Edited by Dotty
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  • 2 weeks later...
I was just curious if anyone has been in a relationship that involved subtle forms of manipulation and/or mental/verbal abuse?

 

I just (I believe at least) ended one, and my head is still reeling.

 

The background/signs I noticed:

 

Met him at school. We hit it off right away, and within a few days of studying together and opening up to one another, I felt I had found a genuine friend. I was just coming out of a LTR at the time, like, literally had ended it in conjunction with summer classes, and made this clear from the start. This was a 7 year relationship, and it died a slow and painful death. I'm still dealing with it.

 

Anyway, though I felt a strong connection to this guy as well as a strong attraction, I was upfront about being in a negative place. I even said on several different occasions "All I can offer you is my friendship", "My heart is not available" and "I'm worried about feelings developing between us that I can't handle right now". I even broke a one on one engagement with him early on b/c it felt like a 'more than friends' deal - I was honest about why I declined.

 

So, to cut to the chase, I'm not trying to say I navigated this perfectly. It felt really good to click with someone on such an unexpected variety of ways. We initially had great conversations, laughed frequently, and soon became our own little 'unit' at school. I realized that this was alienating me from the rest of my group, but we would always have so much fun and I felt such a strong pull towards him.

 

Anyway, here's where things start to dip... I noticed early off a 'coldness' to him when things didn't go his way. After I declined his invite that one time, he literally ignored me for two days but would put on a superficial charm for everyone else (people I knew he disliked from our discussions). Then, when things thawed, he brought up how he had met some girl at the event and how it was really great that I didn't go b/c if I was there it never would have happened. Went into detail about how attractive, etc.. this girl was. I brought this up at a later point, asking him why he chose to share that info with me. I had already revealed I had feelings for him, but the timing was just off. It's not that I don't want him to find someone if that makes him happy, but this seemed to be included just to hurt me. When I said that, he totally denied that being his intention AT ALL and acted as though I was oversensitive.

 

(Side note: He continued to text with this girl, but when he deemed her not on his level (she was fairly young, too), his texts became cruel and mocking. Some downright mean. This concerned me, and I actually felt sorry for her).

 

As things got more stressful at school, we spent more and more time together studying. One night, we ended up lightly fooling around. Nothing serious at all, but I felt wrong about it almost immediately after. The affection felt good, but lots of little things were beginning to gnaw at me.

 

After that kiss, the entire dynamic shifted. He became very possessive/jealous, pretty much insinuated that any guy I talked to was trying to pull something (and even a few girls!), and would even comment on interactions I had with complete strangers. It could be a cashier or some random stranger who instigated a conversation with ME on line at the movies (some sweet older woman) - Always, it would be met with a 'Oh, YOU were very friendly with so and so just now...what was that about?'. The tone would be joking, but I sensed an underlying contempt and in my head would feel guilty or stupid for how I behaved.

 

Also, he immediately began referring to our relationship as 'serious', referred to me as his girlfriend, and made insinuations about our future - this is within weeks of knowing one another, and days of that first kiss. At this, I tried again, and told him my heart was unavailable and I was still, more or less, in love or tied to someone else.

 

Again, I get ignored for a time, but he acts like Mr. Charming to everyone else. I break down a little, b/c the pressure from school is a lot, I AM lonely, and I do have feelings for him. I tell him that if anything happens, I need to go slow. He makes some comment about not understanding that and if you know your feelings you should be able to enter into something with no doubts - inferring that his feelings for me were more strong/valid. He said he didn't believe in taking things slow and that it was best to go with what felt right.

 

So, from here on out, things grow in intensity. I am in no way trying to play victim, and take my share in letting things progress romantically. However, here's where I noticed the change. When we were just friends, he'd say things like "I want to know all about you" and it sounded genuine. After he 'caught me' I guess, I felt like it was all about him - when he was hungry, what he wanted to watch on TV, etc... Also, I noticed I always ended up being the one driving if we went out anywhere.

 

Another thing I caught was when we were friends, he made a few remarks regarding my appearance. Keep in mind I'm in a full time school program, and I try to look presentable but I'm hardly concerned with glamming up for class. He made some remark about how I never wear my hair down, and another time asked me to remove my glasses to 'see how I would look'. I'll wear contacts when I want to look nice, but when I have a long day ahead I could care less! He also went through my wardrobe and more or less critiqued it, saying he wanted to pick out a nice dress for me but I 'didn't really have any dresses'. (Note: I have about 10 in my closet).

 

Also, I noticed he would only seem interested in what I had to say if it pertained to him in some way. I had revealed a few DEEPLY personal things to him that I have only told my family and one other very close friend, and he accused me of 'never talking about myself'. I don't know what kind of info he was seeking then?

 

Within a RAPID pace (again like 2 weeks), he would just show up at my place with clothes/books for class the next day. I'm a fairly introverted person, in that I need a lot of 'me' time, but he'd act offended when I'd assert this. Also, I wanted to take things slow sexually, as I wasn't really emotionally ready and he had thus far withheld until the correct person came along. I guess he assumed I was the right one, b/c he one night said he was ready, and I said that I thought he should think about it and be sure. I didn't want to be responsible for that if things went bad. He completely shut down and said 'Oh, I wasn't expecting that response" and put on the ice front again. When I tried to talk to him, he just acted deeply offended that I had rejected him. I tried assuring him that it just didn't seem the right time and I didn't want him to have any regrets, at which I got accused of not loving him on the same level. I let it go for the time being, but brought it up this evening when I ended things for good. I said it hurt me a lot that he would put me in that position/guilt me for saying no, and he accused me of turning everything around on him! I said, no I'm just trying to express how I felt at that time, and I felt that you seemed to take it deeply personal. He then dismissed my observation as 'completely out of touch' and that he was really concerned b/c he felt I wasn't ready to commit. I thought not getting sexually involved too fast was the right, respectful thing to do! Silly me!

 

Anyway, so when I ended it tonight, I just more or less said that I felt drained all the time, that I tried but I'm just not in a place to give myself fully to another, and that it hurts me a lot too b/c I do care for him. He on several occasions accused me of throwing 'blame' at him (I never directed any statement towards him, the worst I said was "I felt really ___ when ____ happened) or straight up denied things - i.e. he said he had 'no problem waiting for me' when I said I felt pressured to move too quickly and then said that it was *I* who had sped the pace? Any time I expressed something honest, I was accused of being 'defensive', 'oversensitive', or I'd get a 'what are you TALKING about'?

 

I even said I take FULL responsibility on my end for things going to far and apologized. I admitted that despite trying to set boundaries, I was partly responsible for crossing them and getting carried away by emotions - He then called me 'irresponsible' for following my emotions. Funny, he encouraged me to follow them when he was pursuing me?

 

He then paced around the room huffing and puffing, and sat and stewed in the corner for a while before leaving.

 

Sorry for the length, but I guess I just really needed to vent. Other things I noticed that made me question issues like security/passive aggressive/emotional abuse are these:

 

-General dislike of people, very judgmental but astute at picking people apart.

-Compliments didn't always feel entirely sincere

-Felt like he never listened, unless there was something to gain. I.e. little things were of trivial importance or he'd just talk over me.

-Would not take blame for anything. Got marked down on a paper for not spacing it properly, even though I had showed him mine and that I was sure it was the correct format. He refused to listen to me, and said that I would get marked down and was wrong. Guess who got marked down?

-Would seem uncomfortable or change the subject quickly if I did well on a test or better than him. I don't share my grades, but he'd ask or glance over. The only time he seemed happy was when we got the same score.

-Tried to convince me no one in class was trustworthy. I agree with him to some extent about a few of them, but this seemed more like a way to alienate me.

-Would criticize little things. Some jerk was tailgating me late at night, when I was VERY tired, and then passed me on a dangerous road. When I made a WTF comment about the guy being a bad driver, he goes "Well, you were going 5 miles under the speed limit". I snapped a bit, and said I was tired and in an unfamiliar area, at which he called me 'defensive' and said I was 'acting crazy' as he was simply trying to be nice and look out for my safety.

-Later that night, I was exhausted, had thrown up twice that day, and was emotionally drained. He tried to instigate physical contact and when I wasn't super into it, accused me of practically 'pushing him away' and that I had caused him 'great emotional damage'. I WAS TIRED AND SICK!

-Cutting, sarcastic remarks when I was trying to answer his antagonistic questions ("You WOULD say that" or "Wow, I was sitting in this EXACT spot two weeks ago when you made the same excuses").

-When I said I was hurt, too, he demanded I give him an example of when he'd EVER hurt me or done anything wrong. I knew anything I brought up would be turned against me, so I sat there in silence.

-No apology or acknowledgement of any wrong doing on his part. Made some jibe about having 'unrealistic expectations' about me...

-Was ALWAYS second guessing myself.

-VERY good actor, claimed to be able to cry on demand, but never showed any emotion other than shutting down or repressed anger when we had a disagreement.

 

 

I could go on and on... I apologize for the length and thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

 

I still have to see him on a daily basis, and am not looking forward to tomorrow...

 

Has anyone dealt with this sort of passive aggressive manipulation? It's only been about 7 weeks that I've known this person and what went from an enriching friendship devolved into a series of games and constant self doubt. I don't think he's all bad, just deeply damaged, but those are many of the signs I noticed. They may seem small, but I was/still am often left feeling as though I am crazy, as though I have to refrain expressing myself b/c he'll turn it on me, and even afraid of ending things (despite several attempts - hopefully the last) b/c I now have no one else at school I feel close to.

 

How did you get through? Any tips? Were there any really negative reprocussions if you couldn't break contact due to work or school engagements (or just in general)? Am I crazy/oversensitive? I take fault in letting things go too far, but at the same time I feel like my boundaries and feelings were disregarded a lot.

 

Hi Dotty,

 

I think i was also in a PA r'ship. I've been reading alot about PA people and have noticed things similar (in bold) to what you have described about your guy. The guy that i was with didn't exhibit all the PA traits (eg. avoiding intimacy) but did have quite a few of them (eg. not taking blame, punishing me and then making himself out to be the good guy, lack of anger, the nice guy to all those around him). I've posted a thread about this recently asking loveshack members about his behaviour and then his behaviour only dawned on me a few days later after i posted the thread.

 

Like you, i initiated no contact and in this time I've been processing our r'ship and trying to understand his behaviour. I'm trying to convince myself that he is not for me even though i still have feelings for him and i don't think he is aware of his PA traits (well at least i hope so).

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Passive aggression is for the weak minded and egocentric. Never forget that. I go out of my way to confront passive aggressive people now. They will scurry away or scramble for position.

 

Just detach and confront he'll never bother you again.

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Good on you for leaving ! My ex would criticize my clothes , avoid sex , could not take criticism but dish it out, came on very strong at first , said I did things wrong all the time , said I never learnt or listened to him. I became so introverted like a wallflower. So not me . My mum and friends said that in the last few months I never seemed happy and hardly smiled. I miss him and am hurting but I know I shouldn't be treated like that . He even got angry when I got sick , yet when he had a head ache he got so upset and mean . I wish you all the best xxx

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