Lofty2 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 I am 3 months into the breakup after 5 yrs together. NC for 5 weeks my end. NC 3 months his end. I was always a positive strong person who seemed to muscle my way through emotional issues. I don't want to muscle my way through this. I want to be softened by it. Does that even make sense...??? I don't want to become a weepy mess, but I want to learn something from this. About myself, about where I'm heading and about how I handle relationships and muscling into this, I don't think will achieve what I need. BUT - it has some positives. You know, making myslef look really HOT and getting out there getting attention from guys and being a social creature with the sole intent on making myself feel better. Changing my hair, losing weight, looking great... just in case I see him. Yet that all somehow feels so pathetic and immature. I want to grow because of this, not get macho and pretend. Is there a balance in this? Is there any advice out what kind of strength is the best to help you through this. I have gone through massively fluctuating emotions so far and perhaps have more, differing emotions to come yet. Will this get easier, or will I just be riding the waves of emotions and uncertainly forever??? Anyone and evryones kind wise words would be helpful to me right now x x x Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 If you want to grow from it, try to not fall back on things you already know like fluffing your outer shell. What is there to learn from that? It won't matter how good you look. It will not have the same result on him as it would have on someone who doesn't know you well - you will not get satisfaction from that. Learn a new skill. Study something new. Be physically healthy for you and the way it can help you branch out in new directions - be in a tri race of some kind or take up roller derby or a martial art. Learn to operate a motorcycle or scooter and get out in the world in a new way. There isn't much to be gained in continuing to sooth yourself with how much attention your exterior gets from other people because your ability to get that attention doesn't get easier with time - it gets harder where as practicing a new skill over time will make you better at that skill and benefit you for the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
ken_25 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 forget about making yourself look "HOT" to get attention and make him jealous or anything like that. learn new things, try new things, grow more as a person by having these new experiences and meeting new people with different perspectives. learn to become truly happy with yourself and then eventually someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lofty2 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 If you want to grow from it, try to not fall back on things you already know like fluffing your outer shell. What is there to learn from that? It won't matter how good you look. It will not have the same result on him as it would have on someone who doesn't know you well - you will not get satisfaction from that. Learn a new skill. Study something new. Be physically healthy for you and the way it can help you branch out in new directions - be in a tri race of some kind or take up roller derby or a martial art. Learn to operate a motorcycle or scooter and get out in the world in a new way. There isn't much to be gained in continuing to sooth yourself with how much attention your exterior gets from other people because your ability to get that attention doesn't get easier with time - it gets harder where as practicing a new skill over time will make you better at that skill and benefit you for the rest of your life. Thank you for your words. This forum is really helping me get myself together Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lofty2 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 forget about making yourself look "HOT" to get attention and make him jealous or anything like that. learn new things, try new things, grow more as a person by having these new experiences and meeting new people with different perspectives. learn to become truly happy with yourself and then eventually someone else. Thanks Ken. Reading your response it makes what I put seem even more ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
ken_25 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 it's not ridiculous, it's natural and normal. it's just not the best direction to go in moving on. being social is however, you're right on that. get out and reconnect with friends, ones that are good for you that is and meet new ones. this really helps. if you want to lose weight, and just overall improve your looks then by all means, but do it for YOU, not anyone else. women must understand that they're already beautiful the way they are, no need to paint your face and alter yourself in hopes of attracting someone new or an ex, find someone who wants you for the whole package. trust me, you'll find him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lofty2 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 You offer good advice Ken25. It's not rocket science. I think that's just the mindset I have had when previous relationships end. I really feel I need to get a handle on my own life before I get into another relationship (with ex or anyone else). I have an image of what a great relationship should be and in it I am a strong, capable and caring woman and can support my partner/our relationship throughout testing times. Yet I feel a million miles off being that woman, and that's something I need to work on for myself. How can my dream partnership ever work out if I go in unable to stand on my own two feet. That relationship would be based on my neediness and clinging and that is absolutely NOT how I want to be. I imagine getting to an old age and looking back realising that I was always looking for someone to fill me up/love me/make me feel whole.... but really, I need to be able to offer that someone else before I expect it. Is this making any sense? Is this sounding like way OTT positive talk? Will this mentality help me overcome my broken aching heart? I think so but your advice on this approach would be welcomed. Link to post Share on other sites
ken_25 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 thanks, just trying to help. well, i believe it does make sense. it's good that you are seeing these things in yourself and understand you need to work on these issues before jumping in with someone, at least anything serious with someone. there are many things that help a breaking heart, but only time will heal it. it sounds like you understand the right direction, it's up to you to get busy and head down that path. you'll make mistakes, you'll slip, you'll have bad days, good days, average days and great days, just keep moving towards your goal. you'll read it a thousand times on here, the best way to get on with your life and move forward is to keep up NC. that is important, it really does help. it's easier said than done, but there will always be people here to help support you along your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
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