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Totally devastated


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Hello everybody,

I'm new here but I've been reading a lot of threads lately and find that there are so many good advises on coping after a break-up.

 

So here's my humble story...

 

I was with my ex for 1 1/2 years and he broke up with me six months ago. we were both very happy until the last 3 months of the relationship due to bad communication. I'm 27, he's 23.

 

When we met I had everything going on, I was doing great in my education, I dated a lot of interesting guys and my social life was good and busy. He had just moved in to the big city, coming from a very small town and was just adapting to the change. He wanted a relationship very fast while I was more hesitated because of the age difference, but I gave in because we were very much in love.

 

During the first year of our relationship everything was so good, I really thought we were meant to be. I found out how truly supportive and caring he was, he would always be there for me no matter what. That's why when a depression hit me I counted on him, but I was wrong to do so. My life outside the relationship started slowly to crumble, I felt I didn't get acknowledgment from my education and work, I lost contact with a lot of friends and on top of it all my father died. During this time I became very needy, I guess with good reason. I do know that a lot of my frustration came out as anger towards him because I felt he drifted apart instead of being supportive, but maybe I was also to blame because I was so emotionally devastated and subconsciously pushed him away.

 

while my life was going down, all things suddenly turned very bright for him. He got into his dream education -a prestigious education in the media and only six months into his education his already doing Tv and radio. He dumped me shortly before he started, which makes me think that he thought of me as if I was in the way for his success.

 

It hit me very hard, his reason was that he needed his space. I was devastated for several days. after a week or so I decided that I had to keep my life going and got back to my job and studies, unfortunately I got a serious break-down. I was at work and was suddenly hit by a major anxiety attack. I had to commit myself to a psychiatric facility and they kept me for over a week. All I could think about was that I was worthless, had no purpose in life, no achievements and now no love.

 

At the same time I checked his facebook account several times each day, and found out that he met someone random that he made out with plus that he was very successful and happy. I know it was stupid to keep checking his facebook, but I was like a junkie who needed my fix. All this time I didn't

contact him and didn't reply to his calls or messages.

 

A week or so after I got out of the hospital, some friends took me out and we ended at a bar where he also was that night. At first I didn't want to speak to him and he got a little upset. I confronted him and told him everything, about the anxiety attacks, the hospital and about that I knew he was seeing someone else. he got very concerned and then told me that he wasn't seeing anyone. We ended up in my apartment because he said he wanted to talk to me privately and that he missed me. Well it was a big mistake because one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together. before it happened I asked if he had slept with this other girl and he said no, but only a few days after he confessed that he did.

 

I got very upset, I felt so fooled. How could he do that knowing what I had been through lately. Emotionally I was once again totally wrecked and felt very used. The next couple of months was very difficult to go through, I had literally no selfesteem, no sense of self worth - I really felt rotten. But even though I had learned a lesson, that I couldn't trust him, I kept on missing him. I went NC for a couple of weeks, but every time I cracked and met with him. Every time we met, he always was very emotional, crying and telling me that he misses me. I fall for it everytime, we end up having sex, I get my hopes up and think we were getting back together. that was never the case, but still he is very eager to keep contact and says that he still care for me very much. All of this made me feel so naive and stupid, giving myself to a guy who just ignore me afterward.

 

I finally told him that I was fed up with the whole situation, and that the best thing for me was to have no contact for a while in order to heal. I took month off and traveled around asia. I came home a week ago realising how much I have missed him. He really wanted to meet me and hear all about my journey. I was very doubtful, my friend told me that sharing this experience with him would be a huge setback. But then I asked her "what if there's still a chance?" Maybe I should just try to put my life back on track, but still let him know how much I still care about him and leave a door open.

I really wanted to give him a last chance, especially because he has told me how much he still really cares.

 

She told me to follow my heart, but be prepared for the worst. She also told me that maybe it would give me peace of mind if I once for all get a real conclusion. So I did, I met him a few days ago. I showed him my pictures from the journey, told him how every time I saw something amazing and beautiful I had him in my mind, wishing that he was there to share the experience. He told me that he had missed me, but was confused because the last time we talked I wanted to move on and now all of a sudden I want to work things out between us. He also told me that while I was away he had a one-night stand with someone random he met at a party. I appreciated his honesty, but it also hurt to know.

 

I basically told him that since we both still have feelings for each other, why not try, very slowly, just to meet casually once in a while and try to build up a trust between us again and from there see where it can lead to. And in the meantime not see other people.

 

He was not sure about it. he said he wanted to see me, not date other people, but he was certain that he was not ready for commitment the next 6 months, at least because of work etc. I don't really know how to take it. I respect that he needs to think about it and that I just can't demand an answer right away. But I have also put myself up in an awful position, awaiting his answer and decision.

 

One part of me really wants him back, but the at the same time I'm afraid that he will hurt me again and that the consequences are to much to handle, especially because I have been so fragile psychologically...

 

What should I do. I can't handle NC - makes me feel lonely and miserable not having him in my life. And it is difficult not follow his life cause he is in the media...

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I know this may come across somewhat harsh, but it's not my intention as my heart truly goes out to the immense pay you are feeling. I want happiness for all of us and you as well. Reading the actions of this young man a few things popped out to me. He wants to have just you but not commitment. This sounds so much to me like an unpaid prostitute. Why in the world would any man not love this situation. He gets to have sex and not have to give commitment. You are so much more then an unpaid whore. You deserve someone who loves you and cherishes you and is willing to be there for you through the hard times and good times. You are still young and can find a great guy. This guy will continue to hurt you. He isn't good for you. You need to do the NC rule. Despite how hard it is. Lean on your friends and family during this time. Ignore him the most you can. Avoid the media sources he can be found on. Stay off of his facebook. Healing will happen swiftly I feel if you stay away. You will realize he doesn't have your best interest at heart but his own. I hope this helps. You sound like an amazing person. You deserve the best. Be the person you want in a partner and you will be amazed at who gravitates to you. Hope it helps.

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Most likely, people are going to tell you to go ahead and go NC even though you don't think you can. Have you thought about other ways you can deal with feelings of loneliness? Can you reconnect with old friends, or talk with family?

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hi guys, thanks for the replies.

Utah, I appreciate your frank answer but I certainly don't consider this situation as unpaid prostitution. Over the past 6 months we slept together 3-4 times, but anyway I don't want to focus to much over this.

The hardest thing for me is to get past the loneliness. Even though I have great supportive friends and family, it is the love and intimacy we had together that I miss the most.

Should I believe him when he says he still cares? If I get my life back on track, will the chance of getting back together increase?

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hi guys, thanks for the replies.

Utah, I appreciate your frank answer but I certainly don't consider this situation as unpaid prostitution. Over the past 6 months we slept together 3-4 times, but anyway I don't want to focus to much over this.

The hardest thing for me is to get past the loneliness. Even though I have great supportive friends and family, it is the love and intimacy we had together that I miss the most.

Should I believe him when he says he still cares? If I get my life back on track, will the chance of getting back together increase?[/quote

 

 

I really dont think this guy will ever change as it seems he wants you when hes in the mood. However if something new comes your out in the cold again. You gotta ask yourself. Do you really wanna continue to be used in this fashion? I can tell your a smart girl and have alot going for yourself. Ultimately hes not the right person for you because if he was he would be with you 100% instead of giving you bread crumbs. Keep strong and stick with NC as its the best thing to do.

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hi guys, thanks for the replies.

Utah, I appreciate your frank answer but I certainly don't consider this situation as unpaid prostitution. Over the past 6 months we slept together 3-4 times, but anyway I don't want to focus to much over this.

The hardest thing for me is to get past the loneliness. Even though I have great supportive friends and family, it is the love and intimacy we had together that I miss the most.

Should I believe him when he says he still cares? If I get my life back on track, will the chance of getting back together increase?

 

He may care for you but not enough to provide you with the respect and commitment you deserve. "Care" is relative. You have seen time and time again what his "care" means. It has only hurt you. Looking from the outside, it's really nothing of substance that you should be banking on.

 

If you are willing to compromise what you deserve, then by all means allow him to use you on his terms because all he wants are the benefits of what comes with a relationship. That's all. It's really sad when we have to convince, bargain, analyze, etc. whether a person wants to be with us. When you have to do that, most likely, you already have your answer.

 

If you're so afraid of being alone that you'd throw yourself in a situation that deep down inside you know is not healthy for you, because as time has shown you over and over again that he's not what you need, then you're really doing yourself an injustice by limiting yourself by your fears rather than using it to dig deep and find ways to not be an extension of someone else and not be dependent on someone else to fulfill your life. Loneliness is a bad feeling. But you should never use it to justify the need to settle for a situation that is not good for you because you are afraid to be alone.

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geegirl, I think you're absolutely right...

I do have a lot of issues with loneliness and it colors the way I perceive him. Deep down inside I know that the best thing to do is to go NC in order to heal, but I have tried it before and always fail after a couple of weeks...

 

Also, he thinks I want to work things out and we're meeting each other later this week to talk about things so I can't just go NC now. But I do realize it probably is the best thing to do, I just need to see him this time and take it from there.

 

Any advice on how to go through with this meeting?

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geegirl, I think you're absolutely right...

I do have a lot of issues with loneliness and it colors the way I perceive him. Deep down inside I know that the best thing to do is to go NC in order to heal, but I have tried it before and always fail after a couple of weeks...

 

Also, he thinks I want to work things out and we're meeting each other later this week to talk about things so I can't just go NC now. But I do realize it probably is the best thing to do, I just need to see him this time and take it from there.

 

Any advice on how to go through with this meeting?

 

You fail NC because you are paralyzed by fear of being alone. You believe he is lock, stock and barrel of your life. Until the day comes when you decide to put yourself first and the pain of NC is much more tolerable than the pain of holding on to him, you'll keep settling for his terms.

 

Most times these "meetings" only benefit the person that is not truly invested emotionally. He's probably going to draw out his terms, tell you what you want to hear and you will gladly accept, even if you don't agree. Only because you want him in your life that you'll settle on his terms. If you have strict boundaries and you are sure of what you want and what you won't tolerate, then voice them as I am sure he will voice his needs too. Then you both can compromise and get to place where you both can work a potential R. Life is too short to live by what someone demands of you.

 

But honestly, I don't see this working out for you. First of all, he is not emotionally available and secondly, he is unhealthy for you. You can't see that because you just want him, good or bad. It's really simple. When someone wants to be with you, they will be. You won't have to go through this much turmoil. The fear of losing you will be much greater than everything else that creeps up behind him.

 

Good luck at your meeting. Just don't settle on his terms. If what he says does not work for you, do not settle. If you do, you'll teach him that he can have you any way he likes you and that will set the tone as to how he treats you moving forward.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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ok its been over a week and I haven't heard from him which makes me very sad... I had a busy week so I was ok until now where I have a week off from school and work and I feel very lonely suddenly.

 

I haven't checked out his facebook for a long time, but then today I went to look only to find out that he made his profile private and so i can't follow his life anymore. i know it sounds silly following his life on facebook but i was desperate to maintain any kind of contact with him, but i think this is the final cut from his side... I randomly told him the last time we met that i had checked his profile bc i missed him, and now he has changed his settings so i won't be able to see his profile anymore -that's a very clear message to "Stay away" i guess.

 

I just feel like such a big loser! what am i doing?? why am I stalking my ex on facebook, that's beneath me. OMG I'm such a freak!

 

I need to go nc and get my life together. It should be possible, I was very happy on my own before I met him. I actually feel pretty good now as long as I'm busy doing stuff and with other people, I'm just not good at being alone... I need to work on that.

 

but i'm curios, do you guys think he made his profile private so I won't be able to see that's he's hooked up with other girls?

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the reality is it does not matter why he has done what he has done. it is what it is and you can sit there and wonder about all these why's and you know, you may not ever know why he has done anything he has done or will do.

 

the main focus for you at this point should be you. he has made it very clear by his actions how he feels about you. try not to take too much in his words. words always tend to manipulate our minds into thinking what we what to think. actions are much more real and do not deceive.

 

honestly you need to leave him be. you need to cut him loose and start living your life and not revolving your's around his. you, and i mean you, not him have spent so much energy on him that it seems there is no you. he has been and is still in control of you and you have to change that now.

 

this will not be easy but you have to decide that you at this point in time are so much more important than him. gain back control of your life by putting you first. you have do go 100% N/C right now. do not waiver and do not do this half-heartedly. that is the only way you will get your life back together. how much pain do you want to keep living with and for how long?

 

sorry for the honesty but after reading your post this is the only conclusion that i can draw. time for you to heal and take care of you.

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the reality is it does not matter why he has done what he has done. it is what it is and you can sit there and wonder about all these why's and you know, you may not ever know why he has done anything he has done or will do.

 

the main focus for you at this point should be you. he has made it very clear by his actions how he feels about you. try not to take too much in his words. words always tend to manipulate our minds into thinking what we what to think. actions are much more real and do not deceive.

 

honestly you need to leave him be. you need to cut him loose and start living your life and not revolving your's around his. you, and i mean you, not him have spent so much energy on him that it seems there is no you. he has been and is still in control of you and you have to change that now.

 

this will not be easy but you have to decide that you at this point in time are so much more important than him. gain back control of your life by putting you first. you have do go 100% N/C right now. do not waiver and do not do this half-heartedly. that is the only way you will get your life back together. how much pain do you want to keep living with and for how long?

 

sorry for the honesty but after reading your post this is the only conclusion that i can draw. time for you to heal and take care of you.

 

Exactly! It doesn’t matter at all why he’s done it! Although, I know how much it hurts! You do have to focus on you and do what’s right for you and that doesn’t involve him any longer. Put yourself first and starting figuring out how to build yourself back up. Do NC, no matter how hard it is. Trust me. It starts off OK & gets WAY WAY harder from there, but at some point, I have faith it will be easier. This week has been terrible, terrible, terrible for me knowing he is with her when he left me for her & I am destroyed inside, but I have faith that I will be whole again.

 

Smile, you’re worth it!

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