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People Make No Sence Here


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TO me when i see people posting ''oh i haven't had contact with my ex for a week a month, a year etc '' totally makes no sence to me for the simple fact your like keeping a calendar of the last time you had contact AND when you say oh i haven't contacted them or them me in [however long] you're still thinking of the person ,screw how long theirs been no contact if it's a day a week etc no need to keep a no contact score card

it does nothing for you anyways cause a-lot on here say ''i haven't been in contact with my ex for a week ,i'm struggeling i want to break no contact''

 

kinda sounds like some kind of AA or N/A meeting where people say ''hi i'm jon and i been clean n sober for 10 days'' theirs no reward for not contacting an ex you don't get a cookie or a gold star

 

you'll be back on here posting ''after [3 month,yrs whatever] ex contacted me , or i broke no contact'' just take things day by day if keeping an ex no contact calendar is your thing and you think it helps you well then go for it , when someone dies do you keep a calendar of that and count the days ? keeping count makes it sound kind of like your living in the past just go day to day and whatever happens happens you contact them ,they contact you whatever just deal with it YOU have the power to answer them or not no matter how many days it's been

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Keeping track makes sense to me- because initially it helps to give yourself goals. I went week by week telling myself- I promise myself I won't contact him for 7 days... Then I would achieve it and feel a little better about myself.

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Thanks, Lurch. What's your next stop? Going to a boy scout meeting to tell them keeping score of their merits is dumb?

 

Its cool to have your opinion, but try not to tell other people that their opinions suck. For some people keeping track of months is a helpful tool, just like in AA some people will embellish their sobriety. I've seen people get on stage drunk and say they've been sober for 2 months. AA isn't for me, neither is keeping track of how many months/days I've had NC. But if it helps just one other person out there then I say 'who cares?'

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i'm not criticizing i'm just saying keeping track of how long you and someone who's not in your life anymore seems pointless

 

D-LISH he's an ''ex'' and you'd like to move on with your life and forget about him and find something better [ like me wink] right , BUT when you say you haven't ''contacted him'' or ''he'' hasn't contacted you ,you're not really forgetting them cause even if you don't use nams you and whoever you talk with about your situation knows who you're talking about AND you'll probably think of them even if it's for a brief moment

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HeartOfAPhoenix
Keeping track makes sense to me- because initially it helps to give yourself goals. I went week by week telling myself- I promise myself I won't contact him for 7 days... Then I would achieve it and feel a little better about myself.

 

 

 

this is what I did for a while... originally I set my goal for 3 weeks no contact, after I got through that I set another goal 3 weeks away. My ex contacted me during the second 3 week phase and I honestly forgot how many days I've been NC. Probably because the goal was a longer stretch than most people's so I started not caring.

 

 

but during the first 3 week phase I felt on top of the world for sticking to my guns for those long hard 3 weeks. When I first started the first phase I admit I did count the days but I was more focused on my goal and not the number of days, if that makes any sense.:confused:

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So wait, it's counter productive to carve a notch in my arm for every day I haven't broken down and contacted her? Heresy, that makes no cents to me!

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Thanks, Lurch. What's your next stop? Going to a boy scout meeting to tell them keeping score of their merits is dumb?

 

LOL the number of badges and patches on a boy scouts sash will tell them of their merits and acomplishments

 

NEVER said for anyone NOT to keep track of anything i just said ''it makes no sence'' if you're trying to forget someone and move on then move on and don't worry about how long it's been since contact

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this is what I did for a while... originally I set my goal for 3 weeks no contact, after I got through that I set another goal 3 weeks away. My ex contacted me during the second 3 week phase and I honestly forgot how many days I've been NC. Probably because the goal was a longer stretch than most people's so I started not caring.

 

 

but during the first 3 week phase I felt on top of the world for sticking to my guns for those long hard 3 weeks. When I first started the first phase I admit I did count the days but I was more focused on my goal and not the number of days, if that makes any sense.:confused:

 

Yes, it does make sense. People find ways to get through their pain, and if counting days or setting goals works, it makes sense to do it.

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Honestly, though. I think he has a valid point.

 

Constantly coming back here does create this reptetive behavior and thought process that focuses your attention on your former significant other. How many registered users to this forum just drift away after a while? They move on, and are fine. Hopefully that's the goal (not saying helping others isn't great, but there's only so much human misery anyone can wallow in)

 

Just my 2 sense.

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Different strokes for different folks, who is he or anyone else to judge about how others do things. The only person responsible for someone's coping or how they choose to cope is the person doing it.

 

We can offer suggestions on how to do it, but we can't tell someone how to do it or that its stupid if they do it a certain way.

 

Hopefully this make cents to you

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i'm not criticizing i'm just saying keeping track of how long you and someone who's not in your life anymore seems pointless

 

D-LISH he's an ''ex'' and you'd like to move on with your life and forget about him and find something better [ like me wink] right , BUT when you say you haven't ''contacted him'' or ''he'' hasn't contacted you ,you're not really forgetting them cause even if you don't use nams you and whoever you talk with about your situation knows who you're talking about AND you'll probably think of them even if it's for a brief moment

 

I'd love not to think of him and I do my best not to, but the truth is I'm not over him yet, so as much as I try and put him behind me, he's still on my mind all the time:(. Even just setting small goals can actually help you to focus on the goal which actually distracts you a little from the grief.

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Honestly, though. I think he has a valid point.

 

Constantly coming back here does create this reptetive behavior and thought process that focuses your attention on your former significant other. How many registered users to this forum just drift away after a while? They move on, and are fine. Hopefully that's the goal (not saying helping others isn't great, but there's only so much human misery anyone can wallow in)

 

Just my 2 sense.

 

I found my way to this site after a break up six years ago and recovered and stayed because I like it here. You work your way through the break up forum to the second chances forum to the coping forum... Then pretty soon you realize there are so many other things going on here and stick around.:rolleyes:

 

Lots of people have stayed on. For me, I need to talk it out, that's how I have to heal. When I'm stiffled from talking about it, I'll internalize it and take longer to heal. I've gone through 2 break ups on LS. I'm coping with one now.

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homebrew if you kept a calendar of the days with your moms passing i'd just say seek therapy

 

the making no sence to me was/ is about posts i see here of people being able to tell the exact number of days they haven't had contact with an ex ,

 

MY ''ex'' dumpped me after 6 good yrs together and i got no reason or explination ,i was bummed for a bit ,thought of her,had no contact with her just like everyone else here BUT after the first weekend of the break up or dumpping i just figured why bother counting days or even thinking or being depressd over someone who obviously doesn't want to be with me [AND i was planning on getting engagged to her later this yr ] couldn't tell an exact date she left or last time we spoke would have had to been in May sometime ,IF i would have been talking to friends about her and saying i haven't spoken to or heard from her in however long it would have made me think of her and bring up the stuff all over again soo why bother USE a calendar to count down good things like days till vacation, or even days till x mas [ i don't but lots do ]why keep a calendar of a bad time which a break up is usually

 

HECKi've smoked for years but don't anymore [no cravings , not missing it] i couldn't tell you last time i had a cig WHEN at the begining i did the calendar thing everytime i put an X for not smoking it made me think of smoking cause sub conciously and consiously i knew why i was marking an X just better for me i guess to do out of sight out of mind OTH my parents died all i can tell ya is how old i was when it happend couldn't tell you a month or anything else IF i wanna know the date all i got to do is look at the head stones

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TO me when i see people posting ''oh i haven't had contact with my ex for a week a month, a year etc '' totally makes no sence to me for the simple fact your like keeping a calendar of the last time you had contact AND when you say oh i haven't contacted them or them me in [however long] you're still thinking of the person ,screw how long theirs been no contact if it's a day a week etc no need to keep a no contact score card

it does nothing for you anyways cause a-lot on here say ''i haven't been in contact with my ex for a week ,i'm struggeling i want to break no contact''

 

kinda sounds like some kind of AA or N/A meeting where people say ''hi i'm jon and i been clean n sober for 10 days'' theirs no reward for not contacting an ex you don't get a cookie or a gold star

 

you'll be back on here posting ''after [3 month,yrs whatever] ex contacted me , or i broke no contact'' just take things day by day if keeping an ex no contact calendar is your thing and you think it helps you well then go for it , when someone dies do you keep a calendar of that and count the days ? keeping count makes it sound kind of like your living in the past just go day to day and whatever happens happens you contact them ,they contact you whatever just deal with it YOU have the power to answer them or not no matter how many days it's been

 

You sir, need to attend an English class or two.

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Holy **** this guy is 47, I never really read any of his posts because the random caps and punctuation hurt my eyes

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YEPPERS i posted aat the begining trying to see what advice i'd get , got some o k advice BUT now i'm all good ....

 

not ridiculeing anyone for doing what they do if you read it says ''makes no sence to me'' why someone would keep track of days without contacting an ex till all the replies i'm seeing doesn't make sence why but to each his own

 

OH yea spelling nd punctuations are a tad over ratted

 

homebrew big differance between a mom passing and breaking up with someone just an f.y.i for ya

 

OH hey i also thought [and still think ]no contact is a joke if 2 people who were a big part of one anothers lifes for a significant amount of time and they can't civaly talk somethings aint right don't need to be friends with the other to be cival with them BUT hey just works for me

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not for anything but i see a vald point here of not counting days

really what is the whole point of counting anyways ? to remind ourselves how long we've been apart from someone we had feelings for at one time that does hurt even if just a little or brings you to questioning things like why so i kind of see the point to the original post just think about it

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I can see your point and sometimes it's true, but sometimes it helps to see how far you've progressed in life to look at significant events in the past and compare now with then. It's hard to know where you're heading without knowing where you've come from.

 

That said, some do focus on then and not now, and that's what I think you're getting at. If we frequently look at life from the past, we're not really experiencing life in the present. Ideally we end up with a 360 degree view of life, with all our experiences and understanding to draw on whilst being fully present at the moment that is now.

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Stop making scents!

 

Can't help it, chief.

 

Is it weird that I actually feel a tinge of regret/guilt for starting the 'Lurch' business? Is it possible that he didn't deserve this treatment?

 

These feelings of guilt are, I think, at the core of my inability to really communicate with an intimate partner. They go back to early days with my mom, her being alone and me being the only one in the house with her - we'd have these horrible dust-ups where she'd end up screaming frantically and I'd walk away and feel extreme guilt for days.

 

This all leads into my not wanting to confront issues with a GF, preferring to let things take their natural course instead of trying to change direction when something is wrong. I've avoided conflict my whole life, and it has cost me dearly. So, being aware of this little nugget of info now, anyone have a suggestion as to how to go about changing this modus operandi? Its gotta come quickly, before I get involved again and repeat all the same patterns...

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giuliano-3,

 

That's an interesting observation. No, lurch probably didn't deserve the general reaming he's getting - but he's getting it and it isn't your fault. HB takes it a little too far when he gets mad at someone, IMHO. (But still gives advice that makes one think - so what can you do?)

 

Well, like it or not, the relationship with Mommy is the prototype for every relationship with any woman you will ever encounter. I don't want to get Freudian or Oedipal, here. I just mean with regard to the way you interact.

 

But realizing that means you can begin to take steps to change that. We don't have to live out our lives programmed like little automatons... I hope?

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EH don't sweat or regret anything you'v said or felt towards me it's all good here if i'm gonna post something in these frums good,bad , or indiffeent people are gonna have opinions good or bad that's what makes the world go round

 

dude noone want's to confront issues with a partner heck noone wants issues some people avoid conflict others meet it head on BUT you've got to let your partner know if somethings bugging you or else it'll never get worked out if somethings buggin you that a partners doing just sit them down and let them know in a non threatening way no need for screaming ,cursing etc . they'll probably respect you more for calmly bringing it to their attention that something their doing isn't cool with you ,if you don't tell them they'll never know

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