jchips Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Hi all. Thanks for all the support!!! I've been broken up with my ex for over 4 months and unfortunately, I'm still very much in love with him and miss him terribly. In the meantime, I've met a couple of guys through friends and run into 2 ex bfs. I have been completely open about where I'm at- not available because my heart is just not ready- my heart belongs to someone else. The unanimous answer by these guys is- "Let me be your distraction. I'll be your bud while you go through all this." So I've been going out with a couple of the nicer guys, just to get out of the house & have a little fun & yes, have my ego stroked a little. The problem? No matter how often I say I have NO desire to start a relationship right now, there is a subtle push by these guys for me to "just get over" my ex. It's subtle but it's persistent and it's there. I'm getting a little annoyed with these guys for not getting that it ain't happening with them. I'm beginning to feel like it's either completely insensitive on their part for not accepting where I'm at and pushing their own agenda. Or, am I being naive and unwittingly & unfairly leading then to believe they might have a chance with me? There is no way I'd ever want to be with either of these guys romantically but they are really nice guys to hang with. I have to say going out with them is better than sitting home and wishing I was with my ex but it also is beginning to feel awkward and maybe even selfish on my part. Am I making a mistake going out, even as just friends? Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Both of these guys are actually playing with fire. You can go out as much as you want but they actually need to back off and just be friends. There is a certain point to what they are saying. If you do keep talking or thinking about your ex, you do have to let him go. This only happens with time and the more distracted you are by going out with them and having fun with them as friends, the easier it will be to go away. You might have to tell them that they need to back off and keep themselves in check and to respect your boundaries. I have a female friend right now that I am extremely interested in but shes going through the same thing I have in my past. I can tell you right now that shes the type of person I want to be with but I have to take a step back and let her sort through the issues on her own. These guys need to do the same thing. The problems and emotions that you are going through is something you have to take care of your own. Don't let them help you or offer help to you other then anything other then advice Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 As long as you are being honest (and if seems you are) you have nothing to feel sorry about. If any guy decides he doesn't like it, then he can take a hike. No one should be putting stress on you at this time, and if they are, then it's them being selfish and looking to fill their own needs. Surround yourself with people that support you and your well being Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 They want an easy lay? I think by you telling them you want dont want a relationship right now is only fueling them to try harder, which is good on you to be honest with your intentions. Unfortunately some people out there, some men, want to prey on a vulnerable situation knowing your emotions are fragile and perhaps try to physically exploit the situation/loneliness/etc. Hopefully that is not the case, but faking an emotion to illicit sex is common. Hopefully their intentions are true and all, but just keep your guard up and define the boundaries. Enjoy your time out with them and happy healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jchips Posted August 5, 2011 Author Share Posted August 5, 2011 Thank you, wilsonx, for reminding me it is perfectly OK to gently and firmly say- "Back off. Respect my boundaries. If you can't do that, I'm way too uncomfortable with how this feels & I'll have to put the distance there myself if you can't." Sounds rather fierce. But thanks for reminding me it's OK. Thanks! Thank you, sciencegal, for reminding that the last thing I need right now is any additional stress from someone who is supposedly trying to help me. Yeah! It's definitely tricky because they are both great guys, truly. And I do believe they genuinely want to be helpful. AND they also have a not so hidden agenda, so if it starts to be too much in the direction of the hidden agenda I need to cut it off. Thanks! Thank you, sun-moon, for reminding me that it is human nature to want what you can't have. A perfect example- I really want to be back with my ex, and the more I know it's not going to happen, the more I want him! Yikes. So, yeah, I'm unwittingly rather attractive in that I'm not available to these other guys. Fortunately, they really are decent men. I think I'll start discussing how they can meet a nice woman for themselves, and get the subject onto a more realistic vibe. Thank you. You know, when I first posted here the very first time, it was sort of an act of desperation and I didn't really expect anything helpful from it. But the insights you all give me are great. And it's really nice when I can respond to someone else's thread & I can help them out a little, too. It's pretty sweet. Thanks everybody. Link to post Share on other sites
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