I won't let myself let her go

[en09si]

So this ****'s complicated

 

Hello, btw, I'm a longtime reader first time poser. So here's the story. Me and my ex had been together 3 years. In the last 4-6 months we've drifted apart, things became less passionate and because we were both so busy with uni work (we're in different cities but only 30 mins in the train) and other committments we only saw each other one weekend every 2 weeks and let our problems fester and never fessed up to them.

 

So when we come home we went to a party where we saw each other for the first time and she's very cold with me, in the morning the same thing. We break up the next day. It's mutual-ish, we both decide that we've tried but maybe it's time. She does most of the talking, i tell her it's not working but i'm still in love with her so don't want to break up, she isn't in love with me so it's over. I'd say I got dumped, she's been telling people it's mutual. We split on good terms and she says she wants to be friends but agrees not to contact me and give me space.

 

Here's the thing, I can't get over her because I think I still think we did the wrong thing. She says we tried but we didn't, we got ****ing lazy. Our relationship was amazing before the problems, she was perfect for me in every way. I just feel like if we tried and made time for each other we'd get it back. But she's going to the US for 6 weeks soon and then we'll be back to uni and our busy schedules. I'm on NC atm, texted her on her b'day, fairly closed ended and the trail stopped after like 5 texts. Why I can't get over her is cos I keep expecting her to come back to me like she did last time. We broke up after a year 2 years ago but neither of us got with anyone else or even kissed someone else and 3 weeks later we got back together and it was amazing.

 

The fact is that this is killing me and as far as I can tell she's moved on and is fine. I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty about ignoring her cos it's going to be awkward between our friends who are really close to both of us and i don't want them getting in the middle and suffering cos of us. She's not contacted me yet at all and I don't think she will.

 

What do I do? How do I stop thinking about her? How to I convince myself she's not coming back?

 

Thanks for anyone who takes the time to reply

 

S

[geegirl]

There is no need to convince yourself. You already know it. You said she is not in love with you anymore and that she has moved on. You just can't accept it. It's denial. It's normal to fight it because accepting the finality is the hardest step to get to. It's a gradual process. As time goes on and you see her moving on and you don't see signs that she is coming back, that realization will come to you that it's done. It's not a switch.

 

You have to understand that while you feel the R is worth salvaging, she doesn't feel the same way. You have to have two invested parties wanting it to work. You can't expect her to value it the way you do. Their frame of mind is completely different from ours. She may have been checking out of the R long before you even felt it. She's at the stage where she is not emotionally connected anymore. You are. You can't make her think the way you do or value it the way you do.

 

It's a process. You will keep fighting until it slowly dawns on you that it is finally over and as you start to accept that, your emotional pain and attachment will begin to fade. It is difficult when you go to school together but it would be best for you to detach as much as you can. Being around what hurts you only keeps you connected. Don't feel guilty about ignoring her. The fact that she wants to give you space and time is telling that she knows you need to heal. Feel guilty if you place yourself in a position of hurting YOU. Your healing and emotional well being should be your first priority.

[antinko]

What geegirl said.

[micot]

dude if yo don't let hergo you're gonna be in a lot of pain for a long time

also if you keep trying things to be with her or get her back and keep getting rejected then she'll end up totally hatting you

she has to be the one to realize she wants you or to be with you on her own you never know if she's gonna come back to you only time apart will tell that ,she needs to miss you and come to the realization you are the one for her stay no contact as hard as it is and keep yourself and your mind busy time will pass and maybe one day you'll get that call but live your life in the mean time don't stop to just wait

[en09si]

Yeah problem was she said she didn't love me last time but she did.

 

I think you're right, last time was impulsive, this seems to have happened ages and she's been distancing herself. I don't know, she's so strong willed that she can will herself to do whatever she wants. We don't go to school together, we don't actually ever need to see each other for about a year but that'ls only if our friends agree to organise it so in the uni holidays we're not around together.

 

I guess I asked for help because I want to know if this is it or if she's likely to do the same as last time. She originally wanted to go on a break but after our talk it turned into a break-up. I think I'm just clutching at straws. Geegirl you're advice and analysis is tough and bang on. Thanks

[geegirl]

Most welcome en09si. It's hard these break-ups. Clutching at straws is what we all do but you will release your grip slowly but surely.

[en09si]

Micot thanks! Yeah that's what I'm trying to do atm. This is the thing, I know her so well, I know she's gonna regret her decision and come back eventually if I use NC cos she's like that. She's just switched herself off, when there's a lull (which i predict will be when she gets back from her 6 week stint in the USA interning) she'll come running back. I dunno, it's hard to let go atm cos I'm so sure this will happen. I dunno, I guess I have to realise that the kind of people we are means we'll always be busy so I can't trust her again anyway. Maybe I'm in denial who knows.