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Death of a parent and ending a relationship


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I was in an amazing relationship for 8 months. We were set up by friends, and as they predicted, we hit it off right away. Within two weeks he wanted me to be his exclusive girlfriend and soon after it seemed like he wanted me to be a permanent fixture in his life. He introduced me to everyone important in his life and they told me he couldn't stop talking about me and they had never seen him so smitten before! We travelled and did so many things together. I spent most of my days at his place. He wanted to make plans for the future. Everything was going great, we were so happy together and had so much to look forward to.

 

Then, one day, completely unexpectedly, his mother passed away. His father had also died a few years ago. At first he turned to me for support and comfort and talked to me a lot about everything, but after 10 days he abruptly put up some walls and stopped talking. He told me that he needed some time alone to grieve, and that he needed a break from our relationship. But also said that he didn't know what he wanted and to give it some time. He begged me to stay in his life because I was important to him and he cared deeply about me. He promised that we'd talk more later.

 

I was respectful and tried to give him space while also letting him know I was still there for him. I struggled for 2 months, missing him so much and not being able to talk to him. Finally, a few days ago, I got an email from him basically saying, "There's not a possibility of us getting back together." And that there would need to be considerable time and distance before we ever talk again, and that he felt we should not talk for a long time. No explanations or apologies for the coldness of his tone or any of his behavior and decisions.

 

I'm finding it so hard to understand and accept this. I still need to get my belongings back, so I need to respond, and there's also so much I want to say to him. We never really got to talk because I was giving him space to grieve and knew that this was not the time to discuss relationship matters. He left me hanging for months and would not communicate, even after everything our relationship should have meant to him. It seems irrational, and I don't understand why he wants to distance himself even further now. I know I have to accept it, but I still wonder how much of it is just that he is still grieving and not in his right mind, and whether this is really the end. How can he possibly be sure there's no chance of us ever getting back together? Before his mother died, he saw a future for us and didn't think his feelings would change.

 

How can someone who loved and cared about you so much could just shut you out like this without warning or explanation? I don't know how things came to this, that we are on such bad terms that he can't even talk to me indefinitely. His tone made it sound like I had wronged him or he was upset with me, but I don't know why that could be. I just wish we could talk, because having some answers would help me to move on.

 

I will never understand why he ended it like this and treated me this way. I wish I knew what to say to him now and how to find acceptance.

Edited by Miri
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oh, honey, I am so sorry to hear of his loss and yours, too. As hard as it is on you right now, if you really care for this guy, be patient. My guess is that because he's now an orphan, it's really messing with his head, and if he's not seeking help for the depression that naturally follows in this kind of event, his actions are going to appear strange and unusual.

 

I don't understand why he wants to distance himself even further now ... bless his heart, he's reacting to the situation like a guy, and we know that most men are not emotionally equipped to handle these kinds of things the same way a woman seems to be. We can cry, we can let it out, we can talk to our friends ... we can purge those feelings publicly and no one thinks twice about it, but guys don't have it as easy because show of emotion is perceived as a weakness.

 

my guess is that because he's loved you so greatly, he cannot allow you to see him at this weak point (most likely how HE sees it) so he's doing his best to push you away. It's not really you, but his was of "properly" responding. My guess is that he also doesn't want to put the burden on you.

 

don't completely cut him off as you get on with your life, just give him the space he needs to get his head back together. Write him a simple note saying you understand and respect his need for space, and that you're there for him. Something I've learned being married is that our guys need to know that no matter what situations come up, the love we feel for them doesn't change. It gives them confidence, it gives them courage, it gives them hope, IMO. And I'm thinking this is what your fellow needs from you most of all: Unconditional love and support even when you're confused as hell by what he's doing to y'all as a couple.

 

bottom line is: Do you have that kind of love to walk away graciously because it's what he needs right now, even though it's not what you want? Sometimes, that kind of loving action speaks louder than the pain someone is going through, and things fall back into place better and stronger.

 

I'm pulling for the two of you – I honestly believe that the love you share will see you through if you're willing to be patient with all of this!

 

hugs,

q

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im not sure what to make of this if there were no obvious signs leading up to this behavior...if he said "there's no chance of us ever getting back together" i would be really scared he might have found someone else to talk about his issues with. there are some serious red flags going on here, and i do not think he pushed you away because of the death..something else occured.

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His reaction is definitely because of the death. Our relationship was going great up until his mother died. In the days before she died, he had been especially expressive of his love for me and wanted to start talking seriously about making some big travel plans and other things to do together in the future. He was really excited and looking forward to spending more time with me. And he also talked about wanting to make arrangements for me to stay at his place more often because it would be easier for me to commute to my job from there than my own apartment.

 

Right after his mother's death, we talked a lot. It was only 10 days after that that he started to withdraw. He did say he felt he couldn't talk to me about what he was going through, but that there was no one who he could talk to that would understand what he was going through and make him feel better. He mentioned that he needed to process things alone, spend some time alone to think about his childhood, etc. And that he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone at this time. I understand that grief is very personal so some solitude is not an abnormal thing to ask for. He also mentioned that we hadn't known each other that long and that perhaps if we had been together for longer, it would be easier for him to have me around as he went through his grieving process.

 

It was definitely the death that triggered this, but I'm not sure what may have happened afterward to make him continue to want increasingly more distance. I don't know if I made any mistakes in giving him too much space or not enough space. It was just so difficult to know what to do when he closed himself off like that.

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quankanne, he definitely has a history of depression and was prone to it before meeting me. So that could explain the withdrawal too. And I know he doesn't talk to his friends about these kinds of things, as he's a pretty typical stoic manly man. His friends have told me that he seems okay, that everything is just back to "business as usual". I'm sure most of them don't know that he has suffered from clinical depression though. He told me about a month after his mom passed that he was still having trouble sleeping and felt like a basket case and could barely deal with most people. But I think the people around him were completely unaware of that.

 

I don't want to make excuses for his behavior as a lot of my friends say he has treated me very badly. I just don't know what may have happened in his head to harden his heart after more time passed, and whether that's more real than the love he felt for me before all this happened.

 

I know I can't wait forever because he may never come around. But I just don't know how I should talk to him now. I worry that if I still behave too forgivingly and with complete compassion even after he treated me like this, he'll think I'm a doormat and never respect me again. But I can see how that's the right thing to do, if he's really still hurting deeply. I just don't know how he really feels since he won't talk to me.

Edited by Miri
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I can tell you from personal experience, depression affects your whole outlook and behavior because when it's untreated, you don't *have* a perception of right or wrong because it consumes you. If he's got a history of it ... and it's not being treated right now ... chances are, his acting out of character might concern him but he doesn't have the tools at hand to ask for help.

 

I can only advise you to look deep in your heart to see if this is someone you see yourself building a future with, knowing that while it might hurt you at times, you choose to salvage the relationship because you believe in it. If you don't see a future with this man, let him go and give yourself a chance to recover from your loss.

 

it's not easy, but it *is* doable, and any pain now is offset by the happiness you have later. Not in a Pollyanna sense, but from a mature perspective that sometimes, you go through some dark valleys on your way to the summit of the mountain in front of you.

 

I just don't know how he really feels since he won't talk to me. Definitely consider writing him, in that case. A card, a note, those are something he can hold in his hand, can look at over and over until he realizes the sincerity of your words. You might be in another place by then, happily ensconced in a new love, but it's still a gift of hope and love to someone who is floundering in rough seas. If it's something you'd do for a friend in need who has "treated you bad," then it's something you're capable of doing for a man you love and want to have a future with.

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Thank you for your advice. I want to have faith in him, but after so long, I don't know how he could have just ended things this way. I really don't know what to say to him.

 

His email was so terse, with no explanation or anything to soften his words, as though I had done something wrong to hurt him, but I don't think I've done anything wrong. We didn't have a fight or issues we were trying to work out. The last night before his mother died, he wanted to get serious about making travel plans for this year. He wanted to take me to Europe. He kept telling me that he loved me and I made him happy. Everything seemed bright about our future together.

 

He kept me waiting in this tortured limbo for over two months and then in the end, this is all he has to say to me? It seems incredibly callous.

 

I really don't understand why he would handle things this way. And I feel like I deserve an explanation, and don't know why he can't talk. If he feels like Ive wronged him somehow by giving him space, I wish he'd at least let me know.

 

I know I need to ask for my belongings back but there's so much more I want to say. I just don't know if I should say it, and ask for an explanation, or anything - even how to say just a few compassionate words - or just ask for my things and leave it at that.

 

Everything about the way this has happened seems so incredibly wrong. It's hard to understand. There's been no proper closure because it first happened so abruptly and then we never had a chance to talk about it afterward properly even though he promised we would. And now he doesn't want to talk at all.

 

Please help, I really don't know what to say to him.

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I am feeling really lost, don't understand why he can't be more civil or friendly to me at all. He is carrying on with friends as if everything is fine, being kind to them and cracking jokes. But with me, he can't even talk or say a few nice words at all. I used to be closer and more dear to him than anyone. He asked a mutual friend about me and he learned news that I had landed an amazing new job, but when he finally emailed me after two months' silence, he couldn't even congratulate me or say anything about it. He would have been so proud normally...a few months ago he had really encouraged me to go for that job and had said I could commute from his place because it would be easier. Now, he can't even wish me well at all. It doesn't make any sense and it's so hurtful.

 

There should be no reason for him to act like he doesn't care and refusing to talk. I never did anything wrong to him to deserve being treated like a stranger. What should I say to him?

 

There's got to be some more people who have experienced this or have some insight into what's going on here. Please help me out here.

Edited by Miri
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I'm sorry I don't have any actual advice for you, but just an observation.

 

It seems the focus here is about the reasons your ex's feelings took a radical turn against you and proceeding with your relationship that were caused by the death of his mother. So the focus is not a breakup, but more about the serious repercussions, reactions, grief process, and aftermath of the death of a parent.

 

You might want to consider getting information or support more from that standpoint, than about your breakup, which really seems to be an entirely different issue, as strange as that might sound.

 

He feels dead inside. Something died when his mother died. His sorrow is overwhelming. He doesn't have to display loving, caring, deep emotions with his friends the way he did with you. They're there for him to keep him going, but he's not talking about his mother's death with them. With you, it's almost as though he doesn't know how to be "normal" or resume the "role" of a boyfriend. He doesn't know how to be supportive, because he lost his infrastructure and ability to care about anyone else right now. He didn't express feelings of support about your new job because he's empty inside and he can't share your joy. He's shut you out, so anything to do with your success got shut out, too. He might even feel like he is betraying his mother's memory to be in a romantic relationship right now, because it's disrespectful in some way. He just can't handle it.

 

Those are just a few speculative observations on my part. The worst part, of course, is that if any of that is true, he didn't just say the words and tell you, it's NOT YOU, it's him. And try to describe how he's feeling. But he didn't. Chances are he doesn't know how. It's too painful.

 

So again, maybe seek information and support from the standpoint of what he is going through, and cut your losses regarding the relationship right now.

 

Consider keeping a journal, and writing a letter -- not necessarily to send -- to express how you're feeling. I'm very sorry for his loss, it's huge, but I'm also sorry for the abrupt ending to your relationship, and can fully understand your feelings of helplessness and utter shock. Hope this helps. Take care.

 

I am feeling really lost, don't understand why he can't be more civil or friendly to me at all. He is carrying on with friends as if everything is fine, being kind to them and cracking jokes. But with me, he can't even talk or say a few nice words at all. I used to be closer and more dear to him than anyone. He asked a mutual friend about me and he learned news that I had landed an amazing new job, but when he finally emailed me after two months' silence, he couldn't even congratulate me or say anything about it. He would have been so proud normally...a few months ago he had really encouraged me to go for that job and had said I could commute from his place because it would be easier. Now, he can't even wish me well at all. It doesn't make any sense and it's so hurtful.

 

There should be no reason for him to act like he doesn't care and refusing to talk. I never did anything wrong to him to deserve being treated like a stranger. What should I say to him?

 

There's got to be some more people who have experienced this or have some insight into what's going on here. Please help me out here.

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