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Unsure with my feelings


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Hi all,

 

I am new to this site, however have browsed it over the last few years for info. I suppose you would say I am a bit of 'a hardman' lol and wouldnt dream of talking to my mates about this, hence why I am sharing anonymously on here.

 

Straight to it; About 3 months ago i left my older girlfriend of 2 years (i am 22 she is 31). She was my best friend aswell as my girlfriend and we had some truly amazing times together.

I met her when she lived near me but about 2 months into our relationship she had to move home (a town about 40 miles away), so for the majority of our relationship we only saw each other at weekends. This was not a problem and things were great.

 

However, her being older she started to want to settle down, and i suppose this didn't appeal to me. I loved her dearly but wanted to spend more time with my mates and have my weekends back. Just to be young. I felt like i was missing out.

 

So i ended it with her, I made some bullsh*t story up that i didn't feel the same anymore, when infact i did, was just looking for a way out. I told her and there were tears from both sides but she said it would be easier for her if i didn't contact her. Which i agreed was fair enough.

 

Anyway fast forward to several days ago i sent her a text asking how she was. We exchanged pleasantries and then the conversation moved on to the break up. I found out afterwards that she went through counselling to cope when i left her. I felt so terrible about this. She says she doesn't blame me and is grateful that i was honest with her. But since she told me that I have really been thinking about how much i miss her.

 

I wish I could go back in time and maybe have talked to her about my problems and not been so hasty. I have told her this and she seems to avoid commenting on it. She always said that once a relationship was over that was it, no second chances. But i think that if I really wanted to I could maybe persuade her to try again.

 

The thing is I don't know what I want. Part of me wants to drive up now and just tell her how much I love her, whereas part of me knows that I should leave her to it, that shes been through counselling and come through the other side. It wouldn't be fair for me to bring out all the emotions again. I just can't stop thinking about the times we had, and the thought of her being upset when I left her kills me, especially when i was out partying with the lads and she was crying at home.

 

I just feel so lousy about it all and don't know what to do. Anyone been through something like this or have any advice

 

Thank you so much

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Philosoraptor

I joined up just to respond to this, been a long time lurker for awhile.

 

Yes I have been through something like this. Take what time you need to figure yourself out then make a decision based on that. You're young and you haven't lived and if it's meant to be it will come back. Figure out who you are and what you want before you do anything like that. I know it hurts right now and being the dumper isn't easy either for those of us who have good hearts. You were not ready for what she wanted and you had to be honest about it. If you jump back in you are sure to end it again later because you need something different than she does right now.

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Thank you so much for your response.

 

Its strange because at first I was fine, yeah I felt bad but knew that I had made the right choice. However its only now (3 months later) that I have started really thinking about it. I suppose for the first few months i just tried to block it out.

 

Thing is I am having a great time with my mates at the moment but i just wish that maybe I could of talked to her about it more and maybe made a compromise.

 

I appreciate your advice, and thats what I was thinking. I would love to just ring her up and tell her i need her but who knows maybe in a few more months I will feel the same and have to put her through it all again... There is no way I want to risk that at all, she is such a kind and amazing girl who never did anything wrong, thats whats making it even harder I think...

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Thing is I am having a great time with my mates at the moment but i just wish that maybe I could of talked to her about it more and maybe made a compromise.

 

I appreciate your advice, and thats what I was thinking. I would love to just ring her up and tell her i need her but who knows maybe in a few more months I will feel the same and have to put her through it all again... There is no way I want to risk that at all, she is such a kind and amazing girl who never did anything wrong, thats whats making it even harder I think...

 

Bingo ! and well done on being considerate

 

You know exactly what this woman wanted - the big C - Committment

 

You didnt and probably still dont

 

What you are feeling now is regret about how much you really hurt her

 

This is normal and shows you are a decent caring person as well as considerate.

 

What you have to consider now is the pain this woman suffered after the break up and it is possible you contacting her has and is opening those wounds up again.

 

You have to realise that if you got back with her what she wants with you.

 

She is not going to change and it would be unfair to get back with her if you do not truly want that with her.

 

So you have to look deep in your soul bud and ask yourself if you love this woman enough that you dont want to be apart from her ever again.

 

Can you see yourself marrying her and giving her that ultimate committment

 

Will a few months with her down the line make you miss your single life with your friends - or is she enough that you can do those things with her and she can join in.

 

If no and yes to the above then you know the decent thing to do - leave her alone.

 

I would not hold yourself fully responsible for the hurt of the break up. It could be that she has had other failed relationships in the past and she struggles to deal with them.

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