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What does Silence and NC tell your EX?


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NickFrescia

As I heal from a break up and try to process my feelings, I keep wondering about this question.

 

What does silence mean to you as the dumpee/dumper? Perhaps you both agreed on NC, or one of you wanted it and the other didn't?

 

In my case, my ex told me never to contact her again with a degree of finality after dumping me. I accepted it and never contacted her. Now I suspect that she realizes she spoke hastily and misses me but is too proud to initiate contact. Her ego is so huge that she expected me to circle around her like a love sick puppy.

 

For me, being silent is empowering. In a way you are creating closure for yourself as you process your emotions. You are not only healing but keeping your dignity by not chasing your ex or speaking out of hurt/anger/frustration and saying things that are perhaps heightened due to the emotions you feel. I also feel like you are showing the other person your inner strength in not chasing them and accepting what has happened. They may not respect you when they dump you but they have to respect you for behaving in a dignified way.

 

I think silence also can be interpreted as indifference and maybe a sign of moving on.

 

I do suspect that some dumpers view silence from dumpees as emotional abuse (silent treatment) or feel they are being ignored and are resentful as a result. Obviously this is unfair to the dumpee who is simply trying to move on but I suspect this is indeed one of the pitfalls of NC.

 

What does silence convey to the other person for you? What is the power of silence over words? Does not verbalizing your emotions widen the gulf between you and your ex? Is it destructive in achieving closure if both parties cannot communicate months after a break up?

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What does silence convey to the other person for you? What is the power of silence over words? Does not verbalizing your emotions widen the gulf between you and your ex? Is it destructive in achieving closure if both parties cannot communicate months after a break up?

 

 

In my situation, I (dumpee) made some pretty undignified mistakes. I begged, pleaded, and etc... And although I do regret doing that, I can't take it back and I know in the end I tried my best to salvage the relationship. I'm a very sensitive and emotional person and did NOT deal with this well.

 

NC was initiated mainly by my ex, although I knew I had to stop what I was doing and accept this (haven't really accepted it yet, but working on it). He told me he needed space and as much as I don't want to, I need to respect him, because lets face it, I CAN'T change his mind. At times he was rude and cold, but at other times he was understanding and willing to communicate. This might be the exception from others situations that I have read on here.

 

To answer you question.....I think silence conveys to my ex that I have given up (even though in my mind I don't think I will) and respecting his need for space. Actions do speak louder than words and by keeping NC you are doing just that!! Although, it ****ing sucks, I think it can be a powerful thing for both people.

 

At this point, I don't know what the future holds or how we will both feel. I know that the option is always there to reconcile because we didn't leave things badly and both love each other. But I will not contact him now or in the future (I really don't plan on it), he needs to come to me!!

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NickFrescia

The one thing I have noticed about No contact is that even though it is effective at burying feelings, I am not sure if it rids you of the feelings. It's like deferring it to deal with at another time. When I saw my ex after 4 months of NC, a few days later all of the same emotions I felt at the moment of the breakup rushed into my head.

 

I am not sure if actual closure is needed after a period of NC or if NC is the only way to truly expel these feelings for most of us....

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I implemented NC on my ex 3 weeks after he broke up with me. Whether he was angry about it, I really have no idea. I had tried to be cordial & friendly during those 3 weeks we were still speaking, but deep down I was horrifically traumatized about his dumping me because it literally came from out of nowhere, 2 days before he deployed overseas. The last time I had an actual "conversation" with him was via FB chat the day after Xmas, and I attempted to try to get some honesty out of him about why really broke up with me...but he just put up a bigger wall. Oddly enough, he wanted to be friends & stay in contact. It was when I told him that I wanted to send him back the things he gave me that got the ball rolling on my implementing NC...he actually told me he thought I should keep everything as a "momento" of something good. To me, because he couldn't make up his mind about "what he wanted", this was a half-assed attempt to keep a door open to me, and frankly, insulting. At that point I finall threw being politcally correct & cordial aside, ripped into him via a VERY long message through FB, and ended it with telling him not to contact me until he was ready to have an honest talk about what was really going on with him.

 

After he got my message, he promptly defriended me, and also deleted my last post to his wall that I had put up the day he left for overseas, telling him to be safe & that he would be missed. Two days later he changed his privacy settings so I couldn't see his friends list--there was a side issue of a girl he friended within a couple of days after he broke up with me which I also nailed him on & hen wouldn't talk about...I think he finally realized that his friends list was how I found out about her. Odd thing was, that since clearly he knew how to control his privacy settings, I couldn't figure out that if he was truly that pissed off at me, why didn't he just block me. Instead he keeps his wall posts public, allows it that I can still send him messages...but keeps his friends list private?

 

Anyways, the defriending on FB occurs after I tell him not to contact me...at the end of the week I sent his things back to him with a handwritten letter, explaining that I knew that had ripped into him but I had needed to stand up for myself, told him that I loved him & probably always would...I never heard from him after I sent him everything with the letter. A few months later, on his 25th birthday, I sent him one message also via FB telling him Happy Birthday, but was careful not to expect a response back, and I didn't get one. Even with that...he's still never blocked me.

 

One of my best guy friends tells me that from his perspective, he doesn't think my ex defriended me because he was mad about my ripping into him (because he had to have known it was coming), but because up until then, my ex was pretty much doing everything I asked him to do (in kind of a screwed up way), more than likely out of guilt over how badly he hurt me. And when I told him not to contact me, maybe his defriending me was another way of complying with my wishes. Like I said, when I forced NC on him, he could have blocked me.

 

Ideally, when it comes to our exes, deep down we hope that NC causes them to miss us, but then that can cross into the dangerous idea that NC is a tool to get the ex back as opposed to it's real purpose, which is healing ourselves. Yeah, I probably cheated on the whole NC deal with still visiting his page & sending the birthday message, but my expectations have been realistic in doing so--meaning no expectations. The bottom line is that I have no idea what implementing NC may have caused my ex to feel. Anger, hurt, regret, relief, the sudden realization that he may have shot himself in the foot in trying to keep an open door to me...speculation could be dangerous. Since he did the leaving, it's not my responsbility to go after him & find out what my implementing NC did to him. As of right now he's on his way home from Afghanistan. If his path home puts him on my doorstep wanting to finally have that honest talk, then I guess I'll know. But I'm not holding my breath.

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NickFrescia

Thank you for sharing your stories :cool:

 

I think depending on how the break up happened, NC can either radically change your opinion or deepen feelings over time because we are essentially not dealing with things through confrontation but rather burying them.

 

This is why I think some of us who see ex's after months or years sometimes get feelings we thought we had worked out of our system. It's a tricky situation.

 

I think NC essentially is a good coping tool for burying enough of your feelings to meet someone new.

 

Others of us need the ex in our lives to slowly wean ourselves off them (both dumpers and dumpees)....

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thelovingkind

I went NC immediately after the break up. It wasn't an arrangement but my ex (the dumper) hasn't contacted me either, even though we're on facebook and I believe he can still see me on msn (I'm more of a no initiated contact type). Honestly, I don't think he cares. I don't think it's phased him at all. Based on my own personal observations, when someone loses their feelings (even if they once experienced overpowering need for you) they have no comprehension of the fact that you don't feel the same way. They just kinda assume that if there's no reason for them to feel anything for you anymore, the same is true for you. If he knew I'd cried something like two dozen times over the past four weeks, I think he'd be truly astonished. I'd like to say that he's taken aback and quietly impressed by how strong and resilient I've been by not initiating a single piece of contact, but who am I kidding. He has no idea.

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I went NC immediately after the break up. It wasn't an arrangement but my ex (the dumper) hasn't contacted me either, even though we're on facebook and I believe he can still see me on msn (I'm more of a no initiated contact type). Honestly, I don't think he cares. I don't think it's phased him at all. Based on my own personal observations, when someone loses their feelings (even if they once experienced overpowering need for you) they have no comprehension of the fact that you don't feel the same way. They just kinda assume that if there's no reason for them to feel anything for you anymore, the same is true for you. If he knew I'd cried something like two dozen times over the past four weeks, I think he'd be truly astonished. I'd like to say that he's taken aback and quietly impressed by how strong and resilient I've been by not initiating a single piece of contact, but who am I kidding. He has no idea.

I agree with you thelovingkind. They don't think about the dumpee at all.

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bikinibeach

i was the dumper.

 

i dumped his pathetic ass because of all the rotten things he did to me. a week later, we had a heart to heart that he begged me to show up for, i did and he truly seemed a changed man.

 

within the next 2 weeks, he showed that he was only kind a sorta doing what he said he would, not really. and that he was still having doubts over whether he wanted to do it or not.

 

that was when i dumped him, told him why and let him know that i do not want to ever have any contact with him again.

 

blocked his facebook, texts, email and phone number.

 

i felt like nc would be a way of showing him and myself that it truly was over this time, as we had broken up and gotten back together before. never apart more than 10 days.

 

it's been almost a month nc now.

 

here is how i feel:

 

better. i have my self respect that i no longer enable him to treat me badly and not see that there are consequqences to his actions. for example: he treated his last ex TERRIBLY but she remains friends with him, best friends even, which ironically is the reason why we broke up.

 

he has friends in the past, btw, that have refused to speak to him ever again based on his behavior.

 

i hope that my decision really got to him and that he can take a hard, honest look at himself.

 

i hope that he realizes that i was right.

 

i am sure he will see me as the one that gone away

 

i like to imagine him having a horrible time of it all. whether or not this is the case, i hope to never know. nc is helping me maintain this delusion. i feel entitled to it though, and as i plan on never having any contact with him again, i don't see it as harmful to anyone.

 

i have asked myself how i'd feel if i found out he was living it up and didn't really care. i wouldn't care really. it would just validate my decision further that he was the biggest jackass i have ever met in my entire life and i should be glad to be rid of him.

 

either way, i win.

 

i'm sure he imagines i am regretting my decision. he said as much when i broke up with him ie: "no, we break up every time and then one of us misses the other. we'll be back together in a week. see you soon!!!"

 

those were his last words to me a month ago.

 

i've sought counselling and had my decisions validated by a trained professional which is much more meaningful that having them validated by someone as mentally and emotionally unstable as my ex.

 

nc has helped me SO much.

 

the only thing that still kind of bothers me is that he probably still thinks its only just a matter of time.

 

also that i am somewhat "afraid" of running into him in public. i would just rather pretend that he now ceases to exist. i am also somewhat "afraid" of knowing anything about him: whether or not he's changed.

 

at first i really really wanted to know. but now, i don't care. he is a sick and sad individual. i feel sorry for him and the people around him who are affected by his behavior.

 

i am glad to no longer be a part of his life. all of the people in it (including his parents even!) were not healthy in the head and that is likely why i never really fit in or understood any of them.

 

i am glad for that.

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brokenfaith
Thank you for sharing your stories :cool:

 

I think depending on how the break up happened, NC can either radically change your opinion or deepen feelings over time because we are essentially not dealing with things through confrontation but rather burying them.

 

This is why I think some of us who see ex's after months or years sometimes get feelings we thought we had worked out of our system. It's a tricky situation.

 

I think NC essentially is a good coping tool for burying enough of your feelings to meet someone new.

 

Others of us need the ex in our lives to slowly wean ourselves off them (both dumpers and dumpees)....

 

I think NC is definitely a personal choice. I've never gone NC with an ex and I've overcome all of my breakups. This current BU I'm dealing with is the most confusing-- I want to go NC... but I don't feel I need to to HEAL. I want to, so he realizes he can't just contact me whenever he wants and I'll always be there to reply... but then again I feel like he's my best best friend and not replying is "playing games."

 

I initiated NC after our breakup a month ago and held strong for 2 weeks, til I read some things online and had this paranoia he was seeing someone else. I don't KNOW if he is for sure, but it kinda seems like it. I broke NC to get my things from his house, but haven't initiated any contact since. He initiated two days after I went there to get my things at the week 2 mark, and I've answered his emails very short, unemotional and concise.

 

I haven't answered his last email the other day because I don't want to seem too eager... but I don't want to seem like I'm ignoring him or giving him the silent treatment and then him resent me.

 

Interested to see what people think NC does to the dumper, because I don't want to go NC just to "stick it to him" and then lose him forever. He's deeply troubled with depression right now... going through a midlife crisis type thing, and I want to try and reconcile one day. He told me in an email he's getting counseling (which I advised when I broke NC at his house that day) and he seems to realize he needs help. I wanna go NC so he "misses me" but think NC might not be the best thing for someone who is so troubled as he is. I don't want him to think I don't care.

 

Any thoughts on my situation??

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NC to my ex, I think it would be very similar to Bikinibeach's story above. As long as I stay NC I am pretty sure she couldn't give a *(&&((()*& what I am doing. For me it's a way of healing myself. I'm still healing and will continue to post on LS until fully healed.

 

My behaviour in my relationship was at times deplorable. I was mentally and emotionally unstable when we were together. My ex did what bikini beach did above and blocked me from everything and had every right to do so. I used NC to go to Therapy (4 months) and find out why I was behaving the way I was behaving and to break the vicious cycle of my behavioural tendancies. I mean I had always been a very good boyfriend in my teens and 20's. No girl ever broke up with me, but in my 30's they can't get away quick enough.

 

After the intial phase (normally lasts around 2 months for me) where you go over the relationship and your ex's involvement in the breakup, I think NC should be used as a way of working on yourself personally (Emotionally, Physically and even Spiritually). Learning from your mistakes and not just saying you are going to change, but actually make real and genuine change. Genuine change takes time, otherwise it's not real. That is why I am still healing. It takes time.

 

Of course a lot of people behaved perfectly and still got dumped for no reasons. NC for these people must be so hard..I would find it hard to advise people in this scenario.

 

NC for me is....

 

1) Hard physical excerise (morning and evening)..

2) Healthy eating, cut down on alcohol consumption..

3) Going to Therapy. Even if you don't feel you need it, it's great to talk to a professional. It's also great for resolving your personal demons..

4) Reading books, self help books, educational books etc etc..

5) Making long term plans and goals.

6) Making (writing down) short term plans and goals.

7) Spending more time with family and friends, trying to be less selfish and a better son/brother/uncle/friend..

8) Community. Coming onto to LS and trying my best to help people who are going through a tough time right now.

 

When I heel I will probably leave LS in the main. This is a great website. Rare you find a site with genuine people who just want to help each other where you don't get judged..

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NickFrescia

^^ I think the needs of older women are much more practical than younger women who have a bit of an idealistic take on relationships. Women in their late 20's/early 30's are looking for husbands (biological clock is ticking) and women in their early 20's are a bit more open to dating outside the box. I found this out the hard way after an older woman dumped me.

 

Reading some of the stories here, I think most of us are better off without our ex's. There is nothing worse than wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. They didn't find you worthy enough to be their partner. I think that realization is what has helped me heal the most. It's not "painting" the ex "black" and hating them, but rather acceptance of your situation and realizing there is someone who will appreciate you for who you are that is the most healing imho. We all want to be loved and wanted and that is something we did not get from our ex's when we were dumped.

 

If anything, NC is important only because I think it helps us reach the point of indifference faster than limited contact. I have been ruminating about this for a week but this is exactly what has happened to me. As a dumpee, we did everything we could to salvage the relationship so the regret and guilt we have is for the most part missing (cheaters don't apply). Dumpers dont have that luxury.

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It doesn't do anything to them. It just makes it twice as fast for them to forget you and move on to other people. This sounds bitter but I've been thinking about this for a while and have taken into consideration how I was treated whenever I've been dumped.

 

It's hard for dumpees to imagine because we actually care about them but dumpers probably think of it as killing a fly that's annoyingly buzzing around their ear.

 

After you kill a fly, you really don't think about it afterward and you don't regret it either.

 

I feel that once someone loses feelings for you, you drop several tiers below the friend status in their mind and become something to pity. You become an "eww" factor as they kind of feel disgusted to hear you plea or try to change their mind.

 

Even when they say they want to be friends it's just something to lay the guilt off themselves while in reality they'd rather hang out with an acquaintance first before an ex that still cares for them

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NickFrescia

Some bitter people here. :p As a former dumper I can say it's relief at first (again depending on the nature of the break up) and then doubt/regret once they really do disappear from your life. What compounds matters is whether you have a successful relationship afterwards or not. If it's the latter, dumper's regret is what set in for me because I kept wondering if I had walked away from a good thing. As a dumper, time has a way of fading the bad moments and the dumpee starts to look better. I have no idea why but this seems to be what happens to me in NC.

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For me, being silent is empowering. In a way you are creating closure for yourself as you process your emotions. You are not only healing but keeping your dignity by not chasing your ex or speaking out of hurt/anger/frustration and saying things that are perhaps heightened due to the emotions you feel. I also feel like you are showing the other person your inner strength in not chasing them and accepting what has happened. They may not respect you when they dump you but they have to respect you for behaving in a dignified way.

 

 

I agree with you here. Going out with dignity is the most important thing. It probably makes an impression on your ex but unfortunately one can never know.

 

My problem is that I'm bitter because I feel loss. I miss my ex. I can live without kissing, cuddling, or other intimate relationship things for a while. But I guess I just miss the person. He wasn't an ideal. I just liked everything about him. His quirks, his imperfections, his bad back. It's disgusting. I took him at face value and loved him and feel like an idiot for it. Here I am in the dust, missing him, while he's moved on to other relationships.

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thelovingkind

I think typically when someone breaks up with you, you don't really get the option of coming off as strong, dignified, enviably self-confident, etc. It's not a scale from -50 (psychopathic clinginess, threats of suicide, begging, pleading) to +50 (confident, moving forward, an air of being set free) it's a scale from -50 to 0. The very best you can do is leave an absolutely neutral impression in the dumper's mind. You can do everything perfectly: slip immediately out of contact, work on yourself, pull your life together and move onto bigger and better things with absolute efficiency, and the highest grade you can get in your ex's eyes is 0. If you do just one thing wrong - one text, one facebook message, etc. , then you start to slip into negatives. It's absolutely brutal, and that's why we should not be worrying about how our ex's think about us.

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