searching4ans Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Long story short... I mucked up and fooled around with another girl while my girlfriend and I were on a break. The break was agreed upon by us, although brought upon by her, because she said she didn't care for me as much as I did her. She came back three days later from the break stating how she missed my eyes, nose, etc. etc. I couldn't bare tell her then, so I told her a week and a half later, out of guilt and love for her, what had happened. She is obviously distraught, cancelled coming up to see me the following weekend (out of fear of getting closer to me, of course) and as it stands... its been about just under 4 months since the whole issue. My dilemma is I didn't give her a chance to "miss me" after I told her/ a proper NC period, and hung around like a puppy dog/friend giving her the "best of both worlds" until she was comfortable enough to leave and say she just "wants to stay friends". We have talked in person twice after this and she list her insecurities and reasons for believing it can't work long term (lack of being able to be her 100 self round me, trust issues are implied), i.e. when we go to different schools in the fall. Most recently we are coming out of two weeks no contact, which I broke because I fear that allowing more time to pass will only further strengthen her ties with Guy B, who she sees herself with in the fall and possibly long term (as they've been tagged in pics, skyping) I've been told by a friend or two that since I have left it so late, now isn't the time for her to miss me because she's already moved on somewhat in her head, and I need to just be striaght up and poor my feelings out, all calm cool and collected, in person. Others are telling me to "let it burn" and move on. suggestions/guidance? thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 I'm in a very similar situation and it can be hard to figure it out. I've said the exact same things to myself, I want to give her a chance to miss me now, but we've been in touch for 3 months after the breakup, maybe I need to keep myself involved in her life so she won't forget about me, and maybe now isn't the time to finally disappear. I'm going to give the distance a shot though. The difference between our situations is that my ex and I have never even done anything close to 2 weeks NC. You've already made it through chunks of NC that long, and it still didn't really bring her around, and you were the one to break it, so I'm not sure how much hope there may be in this situation. Your ex saying that there are issues like trust and not being able to be herself make it sound like she may very well be ready to accept that it just won't work with you, and she's going to find it easier to meet someone else and go off to school. I'm not sure what to tell you. Honestly if I were in your shoes, I would probably try contacting her. Am I saying this is the "right" thing to do? No, I'm saying it is what I would do, and I quite frequently do the Wrong thing lol. But I would want to talk to her about the issues that she thinks can't be worked out, I'd want a chance to talk to her about whether we should really just let things go since we are headed off to different schools, or if there's any chance to work on things enough that we could stay together. I would not spill all this out at once, I would simply contact her somehow and ask if there is a chance to talk one last time, and wait to see if she is open to it or not. If she's open to talking, then you can say all that other stuff, but don't just dump it on her if she isn't even interested. Or, the safer bet in terms of protecting yourself, is just to remain NC. Look at this as something that perhaps was just meant to happen. If things weren't working out in the relationship, surely going to separate schools would have just put more of a strain on things and sooner or later one of you would call to catch up on things and someone would want to end the relationship or already found someone else interesting at their school. Maybe it's just best that this happens now. So again, if it were me, I would probably see if one more conversation is possible. If not, I'd do my best to let it go. But you may just want to figure this one out on your own, you've tried fairly large periods of NC, it hasn't brought her back, there may be nothing good that would come from talking to her, and if you just mind your own business and let her miss you, maybe SHE will be the one who wants to get this figured out before fall comes around and you get separated for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author searching4ans Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 thanks for your insight, Exit, funny how similar situations can exist. Guess its just hard for me to let go after working on something 8 months long distance and "tripping" at the finish line. You're right in it seems that she's checked out and is looking to greener pastures, but I feel a big result of that is that the trust issue and the fact that there has BEEN a guy waiting for her to become single back at her school and she sees a potential future with him in the fall, as they've been constantly making contact all summer, while I've hung around like a puppy dog until this last two weeks period of NC, which is really the only strict NC that has existed. I broke it, yesterday, with a text asking her what shes up to, which was going to lead into me asking for her too get lunch and talk one last time, she said she was really busy that day and we would have to talk tomorrow, so I never popped the talk question... but I may just wait till she gets back to me. It's bittersweet because I feel like its too late do nothing, although I never gave her a full period too miss me properly, as I hung around ( i guess of of desperation, which is the worst move a guy can make after a break up). So I'm going to wait for her to initiate contact and see if shes down for one final talk/lunch and if not, finish the last two weeks of NC and hopefully allow myself too move on. just in your case, I think it is good to give a proper healthy distance now, as our situations are similar, and even when I initiated the idea of NC, she voiced that she wasn't happy about it but understood, hinting that they/she still wants our contact and friendship, but we have to let em miss us before they want to get back with us. Reverse psychology, i know. anyways, thanks again bruv. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) Never fails to boggle the mind. She calls a break with you (knowing that there was Guy B on the side), then you find comfort with someone else and NOW she mad...REALLY?!?! What? Like you're life wasn't going to continue without her in it? We're you supposed to wait on the sidelines while she got her freak on with someone else and for you to wait for her return? She's just upset that you weren't a big bag of pitiful goo while she went out and had her fun. YOU TWO WERE BROKEN UP!!!! You don't owe her any explaination. Sorry, but her response just hit a nerve with me. Edited June 28, 2011 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
Author searching4ans Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) ahah I hear you Chi town but sadly, it will probably never register in her head that way. Whatever. I'm becoming stronger and realizing that life goes on but still hurts cuz i know i loved this girl. Really though, I regret most being a clingy puppy dog after the fact and not keeping my chin up, chest out and moving on to make her realize what she missed. Only time will tell Edited June 29, 2011 by searching4ans Link to post Share on other sites
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