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Letting go of hurt ex caused


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Hi guys,

 

I'm new to this forum.....

 

I would like some input into why my 5 -year relationship practically disintegrated in front of my eyes.

 

I dated my first love for 2 1/2 years. After having the "where is this relationship going" talk, I realized that I wanted things to eventually head towards marriage and he didn't. Since we wanted two different things, we agreed it best that we break up, so we did.

 

We stayed broken up for a year and a half. I cared about him still, but tried to move on with my life. Well, in March of 2002, he starts emailing me again asking if we could talk. When I finally did, he tells me how he needed to grow up and how much he missed me and how no woman holds a candle to me. He said that us being apart made him realize I'm the one he wants to be with.

 

We slowly started dating again, and went exclusive in October 2002. Everything seemed great. We went on a trip over the holidays together, I spent time with his family, we even went and looked at engagement rings in April 2003. All of this was his doing, I never pushed anything.

 

OK, in May, I get an email at work from him saying how "unfulfilled' he is with his life right now. I emailed him back saying give me a call and let's talk about it...he didn't. I called him that night and got no answer...at this point I was thinking he is going through some things and I'll give him some space.

 

The whole week goes by and I hear nothing. Well that Sunday, I decide to give him a call. He picks up the phone. He then says "well, I didn't get that coaching job I wanted, turns out I was never in the running......and I know how much marriage means to you, but it just isn't a priority to me at all." He said this very coldly and brute.

 

I was in shock, primarily b/c I had to hunt him down to end up hearing that over the phone. Also, b/c all this marriage stuff since we got back together was his doing. I was hurt how he handled things and hung up the phone. He did not call back.

 

Well, I loaned him money to start grad school in January. I emailed him a week later to see when he would have the money (I figured our relationship was on the outs at that point), he said he would get it to me when he could ...and I haven't really talked to him since. I emailed him one more time in July, but got no response.

 

What happened?

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ArdeaCandidissima

Ouch! I have no clue, unless he somehow was deeply distressed about not getting the job.

 

Was he steady and reliable before all this? Because this is truly odd behavior, with no advance clues.

 

I'm usually advising people to move on, but I admit even I would have a hard time not knowing more than this.

 

Also...how much money? A huge amount? Any chance he sees you as more of a creditor than a (past) romantic partner at this point?

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Maybe you should consider "Small Claims Court"......bet you would be a PRIORITY then!!!!!

 

I don't blame you for being hurt. You would think after 5 years....he would've treated you better. Do you really think he may be avoiding you because of the money he owes you?? Did you ever lend him money before?

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Ardea....

 

I know he has had financial problems from time to time, but it never really affected our relationship.

 

I let him borrow $800. We've borrowed money from each other in the past, so I didn't think it was that big a deal. He needed it and I had it.

 

Actually I got $300 of it back but contacting him about the remaining $500 has become futile. I thought about the small claims court thing, even gathered up all old emails where he acknowledged he owed me money and would pay me back. But in my core, I feel like the whole court thing would cause me more pain than I already am experiencing. Yes I want my money, but more importantly I want an explaination. A part I left out is that I had lost my job in May. He knew this, so making no moves to pay me back money he owed me just floored me. I found another one in August, but he doesn't know that.

 

It has been basically 5 months and I still hurt. I've done everything on the surface to move on (haven't contacted him, I go out, date other guys,etc.) but the pain will not subside. I've prayed to God to remove all these questions from my head but they consume me on a daily basis. If he wanted out of the relationship he could have said so (I'm not the drama kind and he knew that), but just becoming cruel and vanishing is hard to deal with.

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ArdeaCandidissima

Is this behavior truly abnormal for him, or has he perhaps often been blowing hot and cold depending on circumstances? Financial problems often indicate overall life problems - be they related to one's emotions, mentality, substance use, psychiatric state, or judgment.

 

You're right, $500 is probably not worth going through the court process. You'd get a judgment easily enough, but collecting it would be your problem.

 

Yes, he was cruel, after all that time, to leave without even a goodbye, let alone an explanation. Have you gotten angry at him yet? You sound so controlled. If there's anger there, you may consider getting it out with some good pillow punching and screaming and crying so you can move on to forgiving the poor, troubled soul that he surely is.

 

Anyone you can talk to (like his family and friends) just to understand where he is and if he is OK? Only do this if you can make it clear to yourself that he is gone for good. Perhaps you could have a trusted third party make the call and make it clear that you just want to know that he's OK for your own peace of mind.

 

Although I do think peace of mind may be a while in returning....God bless you dear, and I assure you confidently that the day WILL come when you have healed from this painful rupture.

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Ardea,

 

I appreciate your encouraging words.

 

Actually, I am in grad school too and in June my ex's brother was hired at my school as an admissions counselor. Back then, he asked me how my ex and I were doing. I told him that I didn't know I hadn't talked to him. He asked why, then I said you should take that up with your brother. I see the brother every Tuesday night and he always says hello, and engages in chit, chat.. I do the same, but I never mention his brother and neither does he.

 

I refuse to ask about him. For all he knows, I am still unemployed and living back at home with my parents. I don't care how he is, but I do still want an explaination.

 

Do you think I'll ever get that?

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