The narcissist

[kourtney01]

Recently realised (after being told by friends, family and posters on LS) that my ex was a narcissist. I looked it up and realised that he embodies all of the characteristics discribed below. I thought I would post the definition for those of you who may be in a relationship with one or recently broke up with one (like myself) and are still confused. Hope it's of some help! It was definitely an eye-opener for me!

 

1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Translation: Grandiosity is the hallmark of narcissism. So what is grandiose?

The simplest everyday way that narcissists show their exaggerated sense of self-importance is by talking about family, work, life in general as if there is nobody else in the picture. Whatever they may be doing, in their own view, they are the star, and they give the impression that they are bearing heroic responsibility for their family or department or company, that they have to take care of everything because their spouses or co-workers are undependable, uncooperative, or otherwise unfit. They ignore or denigrate the abilities and contributions of others and complain that they receive no help at all; they may inspire your sympathy or admiration for their stoicism in the face of hardship or unstinting self-sacrifice for the good of (undeserving) others. But this everyday grandiosity is an aspect of narcissism that you may never catch on to unless you visit the narcissist's home or workplace and see for yourself that others are involved and are pulling their share of the load and, more often than not, are also pulling the narcissist's share as well.

 

2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

 

Translation: Narcissists cultivate solipsistic or "autistic" fantasies, which is to say that they live in their own little worlds (and react with affront when reality dares to intrude).

3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

 

Translation: Narcissists think that everyone who is not special and superior is worthless. By definition, normal, ordinary, and average aren't special and superior, and so, to narcissists, they are worthless.

4. Requires excessive admiration

 

Translation: Excessive in two ways: they want praise, compliments, deference, and expressions of envy all the time, and they want to be told that everything they do is better than what others can do. Sincerity is not an issue here; all that matter are frequency and volume.

5. Has a sense of entitlement

 

Translation: They expect automatic compliance with their wishes or especially favorable treatment, such as thinking that they should always be able to go first and that other people should stop whatever they're doing to do what the narcissists want, and may react with hurt or rage when these expectations are frustrated.

6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends

 

Translation: Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the other people.

7. Lacks empathy

 

Translation: They are unwilling to recognize or sympathize with other people's feelings and needs. They "tune out" when other people want to talk about their own problems.

In clinical terms, empathy is the ability to recognize and interpret other people's emotions. Lack of empathy may take two different directions: (a) accurate interpretation of others' emotions with no concern for others' distress, which is characteristic of psychopaths; and (b) the inability to recognize and accurately interpret other people's emotions, which is the NPD style. This second form of defective empathy may (rarely) go so far as alexithymia, or no words for emotions, and is found with psychosomatic illnesses, i.e., medical conditions in which emotion is experienced somatically rather than psychically. People with personality disorders don't have the normal body-ego identification and regard their bodies only instrumentally, i.e., as tools to use to get what they want, or, in bad states, as torture chambers that inflict on them meaningless suffering. Self-described narcissists who've written to me say that they are aware that their feelings are different from other people's, mostly that they feel less, both in strength and variety (and which the narcissists interpret as evidence of their own superiority); some narcissists report "numbness" and the inability to perceive meaning in other people's emotions.

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him

 

Translation: No translation needed.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes

 

Translation: They treat other people like dirt.

[wilsonx]

interesting... i saw a book in barnes and noble about bringing narcissists down to your level

[kourtney01]

Really?

 

From what I've read so far... narcissitic personality disorder (NDP) is one of the hardest personality disorders to treat. In fact most psychologists don't even bother to. The reason being is that narcissists don't think they have a problem and they are so deeply ingrained in their own reality it is often hopeless to try to get them out of it.

[geegirl]

Been there, done that. Don't even bother. Just get out, fast.

[AlisaMarie]

I think you know my ex boyfriend very well. If only these narcissistic JERKS would realize how freaking delusional they are the world would be a better place without so much heartache and frustration.

[AlisaMarie]

Honestly, if some of you are looking for some sort of closure or answers because you were a victim, maybe your ex had some sort of personality traits that weren't their fault, but left them unable to be saved, esp by you. I know that we CAN'T just make up things because they were complete d**kbags to us, however, if these things line up... it does kind of give you answers. So don't be a victim. Run run run, and hide if you have to.

[NicoleM]

My ex was one. He cared only about himself and himself only which was disgusting. I stayed with him and stayed with him ( dumb move) in the end he flaked out.

[flitzanu]

you're saying this like being narcissistic is a bad thing.

 

the definitions, those sound accurate, but "translation" then turns it subjective. one can be arrogant and narcissistic and still be an amazing person. and no that's not a delusional statement.

 

have we forgotten that girls love confidence? confidence is borderline arrogance. hell, often arrogance is SEEN as confidence. then girls realize "oh crap i'm with an arrogant douchebag". the decision was always yours to date someone like that.

 

however, lighter note...i'm prepared for the attacks and questions following.

 

no, i'm not "diagnosed" with NPD.

 

1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

 

i have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. that and i have a real sense of self-importance, because i AM important. believing you are worthless sounds insecure doesn't it? not having any sense of self-importance?

 

2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

 

 

umm...girls...really? "i want a fairy tale romance and fairy tale wedding!!!" having imagination or vivid fantasies doesn't make you narcissistic. it makes you a daydreamer.

 

3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

 

i'm special. i'm a unique snowflake, just like the other 7 billion people here, my parents told me so. sorry, this seems a little faulty with the logic here. if you're a genius, you likely want to hang out with people that are your mental peers. if you're an idiot, you don't want to hang out with a genius because they make you feel talked down to and inferior. i prefer an intelligent conversation or debate compared to discussing "how ugly Jessica's shoes are tonight".

 

 

4. Requires excessive admiration

 

i spend upwards of an hour getting ready to go out. i enjoy being complimented, seems human nature. requiring it?? not really, i won't physically die if i don't receive admiration. not sure anyone would. again, this just sounds like insecurity and jealousy. taking the time to notice that someone gets more admiration or attention than you just seems...like you're unhappy with yourself.

 

5. Has a sense of entitlement

 

i don't. this one is a little strange, i'm not entitled to anything i haven't worked to achieve.

 

6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends

 

meh, could be selfishness, could be human nature. this is something EVERYONE does at some point in their life, and there's no use trying to lie and say you've never done it.

 

7. Lacks empathy

 

totally false for me. i'm a great listener, but i may not always see your problems to be as big as you're making them.

 

 

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him

 

again, what's with the insecurity stuff? "i hate you because i either want to be just like you, or i AM just like you". i believe fairly, that everyone envies SOMEONE. i'm envious of millionaires. shy kids are envious of me.

 

9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes

 

duh. kind of what narcissism is, right? but again...i believe this can be too subjective. if you FEEL patronized, that is YOUR reaction. i can't make you feel that, if i try or don't try. that part relates back to insecurity.

 

now...yes, i've argued quite a bit of points and offered myself up for people to hate and call me out on being a jerk. go for it. notice i did get "HUBRIS" tattooed across my chest as well, so i'm not hiding my behavior.

 

one may call me arrogant, and a dozen more will tell me they've never seen it and that i'm the sweetest person they know.

 

back to the original point...where is the line between narcissism and confidence?

 

xoxo love you.

[geegirl]

There's a difference between healthy narcissism, (which I believe is what you are relating to) versus destructive/malignant narcissism. It's not so cut and dry.

[AlisaMarie]

There's a difference between healthy narcissism, (which I believe is what you are relating to) versus destructive/malignant narcissism. It's not so cut and dry.

 

yes... A true narcissis will abuse you mentally and pysically. I love confidence, but there is an obvious difference. If you were ever there, you would understand.

[Feelin Frisky]

I believe all those assertions in the OP will come under new scrutiny in years to come. If you look closely, the "symptoms" seem to be being expressed by someone who thinks self dismissal and yielding to the types of order typical of factory model educations are actually ideals of a human personality. In new thinking, there are many traits that are thought to be things that should actually be encouraged and nurtured into productive directions rather than summarily denied and/or neglected. Sometimes people are actually healthfully self-important, don't dismiss their ideas and perspectives, and learn to differentiate themselves from others. The issue is always being sure when these things are true and when they are delusional. People who simply get processed through the neglectful education process practiced in America are usually not at all good judges of what might qualify as narcissism as they themselves have been the victim of neglect and authoritarianism.

[flitzanu]

yes... A true narcissis will abuse you mentally and pysically. I love confidence, but there is an obvious difference. If you were ever there, you would understand.

 

 

woah. healthy narcissism? so maybe i'm not truly an a-hole?

 

i think gee and alisa "get this" a bit. i'm curious, if i can explain this properly....

 

do you feel that a lot of this can really be perception though? the way one person perceives another can be entirely subjective to another. it's always baffled me how one friend may say i'm the most pretentious prick they've ever met, and another friend tell me they don't see that in me at all. i don't mean this about "me" but in general. i smell pretentiousness on people, and those are the ones that truly are pretending and trying too hard to ACT better than everyone.

 

i don't act haha.

[geegirl]

I can't speak for you or perceive who you are as I do not know you. I can only speak from my experience with my ex. I don't claim to diagnose him but when you've been involved, especially in a relationship, where you get up, close and personal in every aspect of him, it's only then you will understand. Most times watching from the outside, or from a surface level, you most likely see a normal guy, just as when I first met him.

 

There's a lot of books and research articles that help explain and delve into narcissism. It's a painful subject for me so I'll bow out.

[Feelin Frisky]

Narcissism may soon become an outdated notion similar to how it was once taken as fact that people could be classified in an intelligence scale in which some of the grades where imbecile, moron and idiot. Imagine having what we now know as autism but living in a time where when you were seen by a professional your were rated as an "imbecile" with the potential to graduate to a moron? Shi+ like this truly happened less that a hundred years ago and some folks walked around their whole lives with ID cards classifying them as imbeciles or morons. The idea of a "narcissist" as outlined in the OP seems to be full of assumptions that human development has not been at all flawed. Much to the contrary we now know that much about industrial age factory model education and all of its power constructs build in some measure of dysfunction and almost a total neglect of social development. If we were to reform education to highly prioritize social development and then do science for quite some time under new understanding and controls, the idea of a "narcissist" by the above definition might go the way of the moron. Something else more close to the truth will replace it.

[AlisaMarie]

Narcissism may soon become an outdated notion similar to how it was once taken as fact that people could be classified in an intelligence scale in which some of the grades where imbecile, moron and idiot. Imagine having what we now know as autism but living in a time where when you were seen by a professional your were rated as an "imbecile" with the potential to graduate to a moron? Shi+ like this truly happened less that a hundred years ago and some folks walked around their whole lives with ID cards classifying them as imbeciles or morons. The idea of a "narcissist" as outlined in the OP seems to be full of assumptions that human development has not been at all flawed. Much to the contrary we now know that much about industrial age factory model education and all of its power constructs build in some measure of dysfunction and almost a total neglect of social development. If we were to reform education to highly prioritize social development and then do science for quite some time under new understanding and controls, the idea of a "narcissist" by the above definition might go the way of the moron. Something else more close to the truth will replace it.

I suppose it's all in how you look at how we have grown as a society. Call it narcissism, call it bipolar, can it flat out being an a**hole that has no feeling. I call it not for me... and deserve better out of life. There is nothing wrong with not being a mentally abusive control freak that mirrors everyone else and ego can be busted down because you call out a missed button on his shirt. Eff that... it's just not right.

[dolphin09]

wow, such a narcissist, even though he accused me of it. he literally thought he was some awesome famous dude, or that he had to "act" that way as a "front" that he put forward to his "fans". complete d*uche wad.

[AlisaMarie]

wow, such a narcissist, even though he accused me of it. he literally thought he was some awesome famous dude, or that he had to "act" that way as a "front" that he put forward to his "fans". complete d*uche wad.

 

Dolphin, that's what they do- accuse you of their own flaws. The guilty dog barks! Mine barked and bit. Eff that... nobody deserves to be controlled and manipulated.