Feeling like a failure + just not good enough

[RuinedLife]

I'm sorry guys I know I'm posting a lot again. But I feel really low still and I'm struggling to get though the days.

 

I just feel so worthless all the time, and there is a horrible tightening in my chest when I think about my ex and how I let him down

 

I love him so so much still, words cannot describe how much I long for him. The only way I'm able to keep going really is by living in denial.

I know its really bad to live in denial and mentally I keep trying to process it and accept that he doesn't love me anymore and is never coming back, but I just can't seem to accept it emotionally.

 

Anyway, I just feel like such a failure right now as I honestly tried really hard to keep him happy during the relationship but if even that wasn't enough for him to truly love me, just seems like anything I do is never going to be enough for anyone to love me.

 

I know I'm being overly negative again, I guess in a way I'm venting. I have tried to regain some of my light hearted side by watching more funny youtube videos and funny DVDs but its a struggle and I very rarely smile these days let alone laugh. But a couple have lead to a chuckle. I just wish that return to happiness could last, but of course the crash comes again when I think about how my ex has gone and how I failed him and myself. I just feel so empty without him. And I've thought about other guys but I know noone will ever be like him. And unrequited love is a problem I've had since childhood, so I'm afraid I'll turn my love for my ex into that kind of fantasy love and never be able more on. Just spend my years hoping and praying that he'll come back to me.

 

It just really hurts knowing that I was not good enough for him even though I tried so very hard to keep him happy for the majority of the relationship

[smudge21]

As of tonight I'm right there with you. I feel so low after seeing just a few pictures of her enjoying herself. It's so easy just to convince yourself that it's not really over, that they'll come back and in some ways it can settle you down... but in the long term it's more damaging.

 

I've been NC for 2 months, up until her little contact a few weeks ago. That just seemed to bring back so many memories. I hate that I feel this way. In fact, it's odd... I hate that I feel this way and want the feelings to go, but in the same sense I don't want them to go as I don't want to stop thinking about her... no matter how much it hurts. I never wanted to give up on this one as everything just felt right, but it's out of my hands. I've tried and nothing worked... yet I can't let go.

 

I know at some point all this will be in the past and I'll have moved on. So will you. But until then we have to ride these seas, no matter how rough they get. Things always get better, that's one truth I know for sure.

[RuinedLife]

As of tonight I'm right there with you. I feel so low after seeing just a few pictures of her enjoying herself. It's so easy just to convince yourself that it's not really over, that they'll come back and in some ways it can settle you down... but in the long term it's more damaging.

 

I've been NC for 2 months, up until her little contact a few weeks ago. That just seemed to bring back so many memories. I hate that I feel this way. In fact, it's odd... I hate that I feel this way and want the feelings to go, but in the same sense I don't want them to go as I don't want to stop thinking about her... no matter how much it hurts. I never wanted to give up on this one as everything just felt right, but it's out of my hands. I've tried and nothing worked... yet I can't let go.

 

I know at some point all this will be in the past and I'll have moved on. So will you. But until then we have to ride these seas, no matter how rough they get. Things always get better, that's one truth I know for sure.

 

Sorry to hear that you are suffering so much also

 

What really hurts me often is knowing how easily my ex has moved on, how quickly he's fallen out of love with me, if he ever loved me to begin with. And knowing that I'm just not good enough for him No matter how hard I tried. I failed him.

 

I know we have to ride through these emotions, but the pain becomes so intense at times, I fear for my sanity. But I'm glad I can come here and that we can support each other through these tough times.

[RuinedLife]

I just feel so pathetic. Too pathetic to ever be able to get another bf let alone keep him

 

And it hurts so much knowing all my ex feels for me now is pity.

 

My heart, whats left of it, is shriveling up inside me

[Kilty]

Och dont be so daft

 

Guys are like buses - you know the saying.

 

You wait ages for one then 3 come along at the same time.

 

It's ok to have regrets and ok to feel down now and then but you are going completely overboard pumpkin and getting things totally out of perspective.

 

Yeah it hurts like hell - we all know - but deep down the last thing you are is pathetic, a failure or not good enough - Jeez.

 

We all make mistakes and have regrets - if we didnt we would be robots.

 

And dont over analyse the relationship too much - i can honestly say without doubt it would not have been all your fault - it never is all down to just the one person.

 

And my ex is getting married just a year or so after our split - so i know all about ex's moving on so quickly lol

 

It does happen unfortunately and nothing we can do about it - let them make their own mistakes.

 

You will find someone better in time when you are all healed and will cringe you posted this

[geegirl]

I just feel so pathetic. Too pathetic to ever be able to get another bf let alone keep him

 

And it hurts so much knowing all my ex feels for me now is pity.

 

My heart, whats left of it, is shriveling up inside me

 

If you believe you are pathetic, then you are Ruined. You keep calling yourself every name in the book. How do you expect anyone to see you in a different light when you see yourself this way? Would you blame your ex for feeling pity for you? Why would he not view you this way if YOU view YOURSELF as pathetic? These constant put downs are not attractive.

 

You've summed up your future based on a failed relationship. It's a small piece of the many years of your existence. Use it as a lesson to learn, get wise, get better, find maturity. These things happen to make us stronger, to make us learn. It doesn't happen for us to shrivel up and dissappear. You can choose the latter but I'm sure you must value your life.

 

You have a choice. You have one chance.

 

You have a choice. A choice to wallow in your self defeat because you'll never win with anyone if this is the Ruined that is being presented to the world. Or you have a choice, now after 5 months of NC, to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start working on yourself.

 

You have one chance at life. Just one. Either you throw the rest of it away or you make it the best one chance you've ever had.

 

You have a therapist. Start working with her. Stop talking to her about "woe is me my life is nothing without a man" and start talking to her about working on the root of your issues. Start your writing. Come up with two or three projects and establish a goal to accomplish them within a certain time frame. Keep you days focused on you. If you can't leave home, find an a few online classes at your local community college and immerse yourself.

 

It's easy to sit there and feel sorry for yourself. It's easy to lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling and feel like all is ended. It's easy to go waaaaaahhhhh, I'll always be alone. It's easy because you don't need to put any effort into yourself. Just lay there and wither.

 

You can do the cowardly thing, and add on many more months or years to your 5 months of NC, defeated and rejected. If you like feeling miserable, then stay there.

 

Or you can ask yourself, whether the alternative to feeling miserable sounds much better? Do you want the alternative? Up to you? Lay and wither or get up and move and go forward.

 

The right thing is always the hardest to do.

 

Or you can sit there and feel pathetic. That's easy. You've done it for 5 months. How about you try something different?

Edited June 17, 2011 by geegirl

[shayla]

I felt like that a while back. My ex and I were together for almost 3 years. Then I read on Facebook that he was engaged to another woman! He had met her in January and had told her we had broken up the month before....ugh, liar.

 

Anyway. There is light at the end of the tunnel. After our breakup last October, I thought that no one would ever love me again. I felt like a failure, and that because he did this to me I must have deserved it.

 

I realize that I am me regardless of how another person acts. He cannot dictate my self worth, and neither can your ex. You determine your worth, not anybody else!

 

You may think you feel empty, but if you depend on someone else to fill your cup, you will always be empty! Make this about you! Think about your future! Think about how good life is, and in time, you will feel good again. I PROMISE YOU!

 

Right after their farce of a wedding, I met the nicest, most honest, loving man I have ever met. And I have to believe that it is because I had the confidence that screams, I feel good from the inside out!

Good luck.

[miserable1]

I am completely with you RuinedLife. I'm going through the break up right now. But I don't have the self confidence right now to deal with NC.

 

I think geegirl and shayla have given the best advice and you should do what they say. There is courage inside of you to do that. I hope you can find it and meet someone who truly loves you and can appreciate you and support you through everything.

 

For me, I'm giving us one last push before I can begin to start thinking about letting go. I can't think about anything else apart from wanting her so much.

[wilsonx]

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1308325547&sr=8-1

 

You guys/gals really need to get this book, buy it today and start reading it... Theres a great section that has helped me out tremendously on affirmations and goals... And it works, it really does

[WTRanger]

If you believe you are pathetic, then you are Ruined. You keep calling yourself every name in the book. How do you expect anyone to see you in a different light when you see yourself this way? Would you blame your ex for feeling pity for you? Why would he not view you this way if YOU view YOURSELF as pathetic? These constant put downs are not attractive.

 

You've summed up your future based on a failed relationship. It's a small piece of the many years of your existence. Use it as a lesson to learn, get wise, get better, find maturity. These things happen to make us stronger, to make us learn. It doesn't happen for us to shrivel up and dissappear. You can choose the latter but I'm sure you must value your life.

 

You have a choice. You have one chance.

 

You have a choice. A choice to wallow in your self defeat because you'll never win with anyone if this is the Ruined that is being presented to the world. Or you have a choice, now after 5 months of NC, to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start working on yourself.

 

You have one chance at life. Just one. Either you throw the rest of it away or you make it the best one chance you've ever had.

 

You have a therapist. Start working with her. Stop talking to her about "woe is me my life is nothing without a man" and start talking to her about working on the root of your issues. Start your writing. Come up with two or three projects and establish a goal to accomplish them within a certain time frame. Keep you days focused on you. If you can't leave home, find an a few online classes at your local community college and immerse yourself.

 

It's easy to sit there and feel sorry for yourself. It's easy to lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling and feel like all is ended. It's easy to go waaaaaahhhhh, I'll always be alone. It's easy because you don't need to put any effort into yourself. Just lay there and wither.

 

You can do the cowardly thing, and add on many more months or years to your 5 months of NC, defeated and rejected. If you like feeling miserable, then stay there.

 

Or you can ask yourself, whether the alternative to feeling miserable sounds much better? Do you want the alternative? Up to you? Lay and wither or get up and move and go forward.

 

The right thing is always the hardest to do.

 

Or you can sit there and feel pathetic. That's easy. You've done it for 5 months. How about you try something different?

 

Best advice you'll ever receive for free.

 

You are the one that is keeping yourself down. And for God's sake, CHANGE YOUR USER NAME! In fact, anyone with a pathetically depressing user name should change it. Try thinking positive about yourself for once.

[Legacy1]

I understand where you are coming from. I am going through a fresh break-up right now myself but with some therapy, a great group of family & "real" friends I know it is going to be ok. I have been through this before...Divorce, a G/F committing suicide etc...and know it does get better. Like the poster above said....you have a choice...to live or keep swimming in pity....Today, sure it might not be easy but I choose to live!!! Hugs and good luck to you!

[RuinedLife]

I had a break through today, I played chess with my brother! Yay!

 

And how do you change your user name on this thing??

[Legacy1]

I had a break through today, I played chess with my brother! Yay!

 

YAY! High 5^

[RuinedLife]

Yes 'yay me' indeed.

 

However, I can't lie to you, I saw my ex's face on every one of those brave little pawns and every time I lost one to an ill considered move, another piece of my heart disappeared back into the chess box with it.

[geegirl]

I had a break through today, I played chess with my brother! Yay!

 

And how do you change your user name on this thing??

 

I bet it felt good to think about something other than your ex and feeding yourself negativity. And for once I see a smiley face on your post and you have something positive to say!

 

Told you about your moniker! I don't know how to change it. Maybe you can send a note to the moderator. When you slap a big fat negative label on yourself, you've destined yourself for failure. Your life has just begun. This is just a bump in the road. New changes are going to happen, if you give yourself a chance. It was never a "RuinedLife" to begin with.

[RuinedLife]

I bet it felt good to think about something other than your ex and feeding yourself negativity. And for once I see a smiley face on your post and you have something positive to say!

 

Told you about your moniker! I don't know how to change it. Maybe you can send a note to the moderator. When you slap a big fat negative label on yourself, you've destined yourself for failure. Your life has just begun. This is just a bump in the road. New changes are going to happen, if you give yourself a chance. It was never a "RuinedLife" to begin with.

 

My love for my ex was such a positive force in my life before my break up, a force which gave my life meaning. And now it has been twisted into a negative force which breaks my heart and eats at my soul.

 

And it is incredibly hard to reverse this twisting.

 

As every fiber of my being still screams at me day and night- "I love my ex so much".

 

And I know living without him is going to be hard and learning to cope with these overwhelming feelings of now unrequited love is going to be a struggle, but have hope now, hope that it is possible to get through this.

 

My co-dependent bond to him is strong and my imagination wild, so I've created this idealized fantasy based version of my ex in my mind. I guess I just have to learn how to interact with this ever present figment in a way that will yield positive personal growth and allow happiness to flourish in my mind.

 

i.e. that idealized fantasy based version of my ex must become part of me, part of my essence, so that my love for this idealized fantasy based version of my ex is twisted back into a form of self-love that I can use to nurture my broken heart and heal my wounded soul.

[batsheba]

If you believe you are pathetic, then you are Ruined. You keep calling yourself every name in the book. How do you expect anyone to see you in a different light when you see yourself this way? Would you blame your ex for feeling pity for you? Why would he not view you this way if YOU view YOURSELF as pathetic? These constant put downs are not attractive.

 

You've summed up your future based on a failed relationship. It's a small piece of the many years of your existence. Use it as a lesson to learn, get wise, get better, find maturity. These things happen to make us stronger, to make us learn. It doesn't happen for us to shrivel up and dissappear. You can choose the latter but I'm sure you must value your life.

 

You have a choice. You have one chance.

 

You have a choice. A choice to wallow in your self defeat because you'll never win with anyone if this is the Ruined that is being presented to the world. Or you have a choice, now after 5 months of NC, to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start working on yourself.

 

You have one chance at life. Just one. Either you throw the rest of it away or you make it the best one chance you've ever had.

 

You have a therapist. Start working with her. Stop talking to her about "woe is me my life is nothing without a man" and start talking to her about working on the root of your issues. Start your writing. Come up with two or three projects and establish a goal to accomplish them within a certain time frame. Keep you days focused on you. If you can't leave home, find an a few online classes at your local community college and immerse yourself.

 

It's easy to sit there and feel sorry for yourself. It's easy to lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling and feel like all is ended. It's easy to go waaaaaahhhhh, I'll always be alone. It's easy because you don't need to put any effort into yourself. Just lay there and wither.

 

You can do the cowardly thing, and add on many more months or years to your 5 months of NC, defeated and rejected. If you like feeling miserable, then stay there.

 

Or you can ask yourself, whether the alternative to feeling miserable sounds much better? Do you want the alternative? Up to you? Lay and wither or get up and move and go forward.

 

The right thing is always the hardest to do.

 

Or you can sit there and feel pathetic. That's easy. You've done it for 5 months. How about you try something different?

 

 

 

This is so true. Don't cuddle the self pity, while it is a normal stage of grief, it is very damaging.

Been there done that. There will be days like this. One of the post here says its like the waves in the ocean, one time still, another big and strong. So be ready for that ambush attack of loneliness and self pity. However, do not allow it to linger long enough that you feel worthless.

Hugs.

You are very special. If there are regrets and you were not given any chance, so be it.

Be thankful for what you still have and also for what you have lost. For if one door closes, another one opens!

[RuinedLife]

This is so true. Don't cuddle the self pity, while it is a normal stage of grief, it is very damaging.

Been there done that. There will be days like this. One of the post here says its like the waves in the ocean, one time still, another big and strong. So be ready for that ambush attack of loneliness and self pity. However, do not allow it to linger long enough that you feel worthless.

Hugs.

You are very special. If there are regrets and you were not given any chance, so be it.

Be thankful for what you still have and also for what you have lost. For if one door closes, another one opens!

 

Thank you. Yes I'm trying to stay positive best I can now.

 

But its going to take a long time to build up my self esteem again when its so low I think. My ex said a few things to me after we broke up that pretty much obliterated most of my self esteem. Eg telling me that "he was happier with out me", that "I was stopping him do the things he wanted to do in life" and that "I was holding him back".

 

I know I shouldn't take these things so personally, but it really hurts because during our relationship I honestly tried my best to keep him happy doing what he wanted to do and supported him best I could. I didn't mean to hold him back or stop him being happy. I was sooo happy when I was with him.