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Guys what the hell is wrong with my GF?


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John Davis

Hey guys,

 

My girlfriend of 8 months just went on a short holiday because her sister can't handle being alone, so she had to go (and this is true I checked just in case - she really is with her sister).

 

My GF is usually very emotional, clingy and constantly very warm and very nice. She's practically obsessed with me at times. We get along just fine, talk everyday all the time and it's been a nice 8 months with her so far. I'm 24 and she's 21. She says I'm the nicest, coolest guy she's ever met and all that blah blah. We both agree we have a really good connection.

 

Anyway, the day I dropped her off at the airport everything was fine and she was sad to be leaving etc said a big a thank you and that she loves me very much. She called me when she arrived and was again very sweet as usual.

 

Thing is, ever since she got together with her friends and her sister she's been distant, distracted, unavailable and careless. I told her something's wrong and she said I'm being too emotional and that she'll make it up to me when she gets back, that she needs to let go of stress. She just seemed emotionally shut down which was very very strange because I haven't done anything to upset her. I've practically been the perfect boyfriend!

 

So, I told her that her weird behavior is upsetting, to see that she can suddenly change like this, that it's not a good sign. I told her not to call me again because that's how I felt, I felt hurt unexpectedly and I don't want to give my heart and my life to someone who can just change like that. I had to show strength and character.

 

Usually, after a fight or when we don't talk she is always the one who calls me a million times and send huge dramatic text messages - then I call back and she'll be like 'I thought you'd never call again'. We've never really split up for more than a few days, we always got back together quickly.

 

I started working recently and because of that we can't meet as much and talk as long on the phone. Could this be putting her off? I thought love wasn't like this. Should I just let her be for a while or go off and look elsewhere...

 

I don't understand:confused: .. What do you think guys?

 

Thanks for your comments, advice and I wish you all happiness in life...

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What do you mean by "go off and look elsewhere"... It seems you two haven't really dealt with your problems. From the way you described it, you both seem very clingy (checking up on where she was going is a big sign saying 'I don't trust you'), and if you really believe it to be love then don't just go off and look elsewhere. Sit down and talk about it seriously with her. Don't pretty it up and do the whole mushy romantic thing. Show that you can be mature and that you're not clinging onto her company as well - cos the way I see it is that she's starting to get tired of the relationship, and unless you can face this with her then you're just gonna cycle through mini-breakups until you end up with a real breakup.

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How long is she gone for? What did she do to make you think she had gone distant, cold, careless, etc? That will be helpful to say if there is something deeper at work here.

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John Davis
What do you mean by "go off and look elsewhere"... It seems you two haven't really dealt with your problems. From the way you described it, you both seem very clingy (checking up on where she was going is a big sign saying 'I don't trust you'), and if you really believe it to be love then don't just go off and look elsewhere. Sit down and talk about it seriously with her. Don't pretty it up and do the whole mushy romantic thing. Show that you can be mature and that you're not clinging onto her company as well - cos the way I see it is that she's starting to get tired of the relationship, and unless you can face this with her then you're just gonna cycle through mini-breakups until you end up with a real breakup.

Thanks for the reply Maoky. I agree when you say she might be tired of the relationship, I mean that might seem logical but the things is everything was going so great before she left. I saw no indications of 'tiredness' you know? I doubt it's cheating either, I know her that well. Otherwise, I would've sat down and talked immediately.

 

She said a couple of times she would love to be with me in the long run too. Then as soon as she goes on holiday this happens and I don't want to call her because if she really has love deep inside I believe she'll get in touch and prove herself. I think calling her would be the wrong choice as she has to take some initiative and prove herself. Do you agree?

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Thanks for the reply Maoky. I agree when you say she might be tired of the relationship, I mean that might seem logical but the things is everything was going so great before she left. I saw no indications of 'tiredness' you know? I doubt it's cheating either, I know her that well. Otherwise, I would've sat down and talked immediately.

 

She said a couple of times she would love to be with me in the long run too. Then as soon as she goes on holiday this happens and I don't want to call her because if she really has love deep inside I believe she'll get in touch and prove herself. I think calling her would be the wrong choice as she has to take some initiative and prove herself. Do you agree?

 

I don't understand - how long has she been gone for and what specific examples can you give us that shows she's losing interest in the relationship? as of now it looks like she's just on vacation enjoying herself.

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John Davis
How long is she gone for? What did she do to make you think she had gone distant, cold, careless, etc? That will be helpful to say if there is something deeper at work here.

WTRanger: Thank you for your reply. She left on Monday, and it's now Friday here. She got back yesterday, called twice (when she arrived I'm guessing) and that was it. Nothing today or last night. So it's been 5 days since we've seen each other, and we haven't spoken for the last two days (since Wednesday afternoon). Her ex-boyfriend lives there where she went and I know that so I asked her and she said why would I want to see him blah blah so I know it's not that plus she went there for a couple of days a few months back, this time with her friend.

 

What she did was, the first night of her holiday I called and she didn't even have 5 minutes to talk (she wasn't doing anything important either just going out with friends, said she had no time they were planning something). She knows I'm working and we can't talk as much and knowing that she didn't make time. It's weird because she's so into it when we're in the same city. Then while on the phone she would suddenly be distracted by something else and start laughing which would piss me off that she wasn't concentrating on me.

 

The whole deal is that I don't understand the sudden change in behavior... it isn't normal given the circumstances you know? I'm expecting a big text message explaining this behavior because she knows I'm upset and if someone you love is upset then you would care about it, right? Tell me if I'm wrong heh:)

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(she wasn't doing anything important either just going out with friends, said she had no time they were planning something).

You sound like a jerk when you say things like that.

 

I'm expecting a big text message explaining this behavior because she knows I'm upset and if someone you love is upset then you would care about it, right? Tell me if I'm wrong heh:)

 

Ok- I'll tell you. You're wrong. expecting a big text message? that's how two grown-ups communicate to each other in a relationship? No.

 

She might be a little more distant or busy doing other things. You sound a little clingy - just back off and if you want to talk to her and she is absolutely not willing to...then let her know you're going to walk.

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WTRanger: Thank you for your reply. She left on Monday, and it's now Friday here. She got back yesterday, called twice (when she arrived I'm guessing) and that was it. Nothing today or last night. So it's been 5 days since we've seen each other, and we haven't spoken for the last two days (since Wednesday afternoon). Her ex-boyfriend lives there where she went and I know that so I asked her and she said why would I want to see him blah blah so I know it's not that plus she went there for a couple of days a few months back, this time with her friend.

 

What she did was, the first night of her holiday I called and she didn't even have 5 minutes to talk (she wasn't doing anything important either just going out with friends, said she had no time they were planning something). She knows I'm working and we can't talk as much and knowing that she didn't make time. It's weird because she's so into it when we're in the same city. Then while on the phone she would suddenly be distracted by something else and start laughing which would piss me off that she wasn't concentrating on me.

 

The whole deal is that I don't understand the sudden change in behavior... it isn't normal given the circumstances you know? I'm expecting a big text message explaining this behavior because she knows I'm upset and if someone you love is upset then you would care about it, right? Tell me if I'm wrong heh:)

 

 

You keep hinting to the fact that she's doing stuff completely out of character and doing things you didn't expect out of her. Well, people change. It wouldn't surprise me if her friends are influencing her behavior. Making her think of greener pastures....

 

I would wait for her to contact you and when or if she does. You need to have a heart to heart if the two of you want to continue this relationship. If she wants to end it, then DO NOT SETTLE FOR BEING FRIENDS. She either gets all of you or none of you.

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WTRanger: Thank you for your reply. She left on Monday, and it's now Friday here. She got back yesterday, called twice (when she arrived I'm guessing) and that was it. Nothing today or last night. So it's been 5 days since we've seen each other, and we haven't spoken for the last two days (since Wednesday afternoon). Her ex-boyfriend lives there where she went and I know that so I asked her and she said why would I want to see him blah blah so I know it's not that plus she went there for a couple of days a few months back, this time with her friend.

 

What she did was, the first night of her holiday I called and she didn't even have 5 minutes to talk (she wasn't doing anything important either just going out with friends, said she had no time they were planning something). She knows I'm working and we can't talk as much and knowing that she didn't make time. It's weird because she's so into it when we're in the same city. Then while on the phone she would suddenly be distracted by something else and start laughing which would piss me off that she wasn't concentrating on me.

 

The whole deal is that I don't understand the sudden change in behavior... it isn't normal given the circumstances you know? I'm expecting a big text message explaining this behavior because she knows I'm upset and if someone you love is upset then you would care about it, right? Tell me if I'm wrong heh:)

 

I think you are over thinking this whole thing. I think an argument blew up out of nothing. She just sounds like she was spending time with people she hadn't seen in a while. But you took the fact that she was busy and blew it up to something much bigger than it really was.

 

Maybe it's not the case, but you come off as a stage-100 clinger in this one. That you need to be in contact with her 24/7 and be her primary source of attention, see the bold part above. If you aren't, then she hates you, she's changing, you should break up, and so on. God forbid she can spend time with her friends and her sister.

 

She hasn't called you? Are you surprised? You told her not to call you, remember?

"I told her not to call me again because that's how I felt, I felt hurt unexpectedly and I don't want to give my heart and my life to someone who can just change like that. I had to show strength and character."
It's just now she's got her girls support group telling her not to feed into your demands for attention. Where when she's with you, she has no alternative but to try to make peace rather than continue to fight. Edited by WTRanger
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The girl was on vacation with her friends and sister. Then you said she was careless, distracted and unavailable. She was on vacation. People are distracted and unavailable when they go on vacation. They're enjoying new surroundings, engrossed with friends, occupied with activity, etc.

 

If I am getting the trail of events right, you then get insecure and a fight ensues and you tell her not to call you. I don't believe your reaction is justified.

 

That part about being pissed off because she wasn't focusing on you is a turn off. You sound clingy and insecure. Let the girl go and have her fun while on vacation with her friends and sister. And even when you're not on vacation, you both need to have your separate lives along with your life together. Trying to rope her in whenever you feel you're losing control is not healthy, for you and for her.

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John Davis

geegirl: Believe me, I'm not an insecure person. This is love, and it's upsetting when love doesn't return to you equal ways. It's about the fact that I'm so used to her being so attentive and thinking about me all the time and how all of a sudden she's cold just because she's on holiday. The boyfriend suddenly becomes unimportant? She says she's talking to a 'friend' while on the phone with me and not 'my boyfriend' you know what I mean? Would this not upset you? So I should turn off the emotions whenever it suits her is that it...

 

Every time I talk to her it would be like 'oh I gotta go, I'm busy'. Never once did I hear 'wish you were here, i love you, i miss you' or anything like that... it's not like I'm asking for much, I just want this to come naturally from her. Maybe I'm totally wrong about everything but it's just breaking my heart and I can't just hide it. I know I'd be a lot different if I went on vacation... maybe we just need to talk when things cool down. Thanks for you help though.

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John Davis

vsmini: You may be right, if I were in her place she'd be overreacting and now I'm the one overreacting so maybe this is how it goes. We've had fights before and I realized I was mostly the emotional one. Maybe I love her a lot more than she does me?

 

I've backed off now because I'm too confused to talk about anything and apparently she is as well. It's been 8 months you know, I thought we were past the whole pride and love games bull... that's what I meant about the message. If she were upset I know I'd be a lot more caring. The thing is, we're both clingy towards each other and when one suddenly isn't everything falls apart.

 

Thanks for your thoughts...

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John Davis

Chi townD: You're absolutely right about her getting none of me or all of me. I think the 'Friends' thing is so wrong and so fake. Like I said, she called twice when she arrived and I didn't pick up, I'm expecting a little more than just a call I mean we've been through so much, I've went all the way to her house to comfort her so I at least expect a little something. I'll keep you updated...

 

Thanks

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John Davis

WTRanger: Thanks for sharing.

 

The thing is, whenever I'm out with my friends or my family it's always her that gets upset and jealous and clingy, and I'd try with my hardest efforts to calm her sometimes even to the point of annoying my friends. So now after 8 months of meeting 4-5 times a week, she goes on holiday and can't make a few minutes in her day to talk (it's not like I'm calling her the whole day, not even close). I've gotten so used to her that it's impossible not to be clingy, you know?

 

Should I call her and explain things or let it sit a little while and let her call... what would you guys do? Thanks again for your time, I appreciate it.

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She says she's talking to a 'friend' while on the phone with me and not 'my boyfriend' you know what I mean?

 

OK - this is why we were asking for specifics earlier. If what you mentioned above did happen then this is a game changer. Unless you guys have not 100% discussed the fact that you are bf/gf. I assume you are. She shouldn't be saying "oh it's just a friend." if you're not.

 

shady.

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8 months into a relationship you should be secure enough to go a few days without her contacting you. You should be secure enough not to analyze every little thing she says or she does. You shouldn't jump to conclusions that she's with the ex, nor should you go accusing her of that.

 

she called twice when she arrived and I didn't pick up, I'm expecting a little more than just a call I mean we've been through so much, I've went all the way to her house to comfort her so I at least expect a little something.
Is that right that she's tried to call you twice since you had this little argument? And you haven't picked up, meaning you are ignoring her, and you are expecting her to do more? What the hell man? What could you possible expect more of her to do? Hire a pilot to write it in the sky?

 

whenever I'm out with my friends or my family it's always her that gets upset and jealous and clingy, and I'd try with my hardest efforts to calm her sometimes even to the point of annoying my friend
So when she gets all clingy on you, does that annoy you? Now, let's flip the role. How do you think she feels now when you go all cling wrap on her?

 

I think you need to figure out why you need her to validate your existence with her saying, "I miss you, I wish you where here" and so on. And why, if she doesn't say that, does that make you think that she's changing and falling out of love.

 

The more I read, the more toxic this relationship sounds on both sides. Clingy is not a word that should be used as a good point in any relationship.

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John Davis
8 months into a relationship you should be secure enough to go a few days without her contacting you. You should be secure enough not to analyze every little thing she says or she does. You shouldn't jump to conclusions that she's with the ex, nor should you go accusing her of that.

 

Is that right that she's tried to call you twice since you had this little argument? And you haven't picked up, meaning you are ignoring her, and you are expecting her to do more? What the hell man? What could you possible expect more of her to do? Hire a pilot to write it in the sky?

 

So when she gets all clingy on you, does that annoy you? Now, let's flip the role. How do you think she feels now when you go all cling wrap on her?

 

I think you need to figure out why you need her to validate your existence with her saying, "I miss you, I wish you where here" and so on. And why, if she doesn't say that, does that make you think that she's changing and falling out of love.

 

The more I read, the more toxic this relationship sounds on both sides. Clingy is not a word that should be used as a good point in any relationship.

Yes, but I've never been as distant as she's being now at any point in our relationship. I don't think I deserve the distance. I mean our relationship is full of constantly being together and being happy and not liking being apart...

 

I've had times when I absolutely couldn't/didn't want to talk but I did. That's the difference between us. You're right in that this could be a toxic relationship, but we really do love each other, so that's why I'm expecting a little more than two phone calls I mean she knows I'm hurt because I told her, it was the mature thing to do... she hasn't put in much effort you know? I nee

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John Davis

No, she tends to do that around people she's not very close to, she has that etched into her because her dad is strict towards boyfriends. All of her cousins and close friends know about me and she's very public with her affection but I don't see why she would refer me as a friend while on holiday it's insulting. Ridiculous. Maybe she's used to that I don't know... We have absolutely 100% solidified the fact that we are bf/gf that's for sure. I guess all of this means she has an unstable personality/character..

 

Thanks man

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geegirl: Believe me, I'm not an insecure person. This is love, and it's upsetting when love doesn't return to you equal ways. It's about the fact that I'm so used to her being so attentive and thinking about me all the time and how all of a sudden she's cold just because she's on holiday. The boyfriend suddenly becomes unimportant? She says she's talking to a 'friend' while on the phone with me and not 'my boyfriend' you know what I mean? Would this not upset you? So I should turn off the emotions whenever it suits her is that it...

 

Every time I talk to her it would be like 'oh I gotta go, I'm busy'. Never once did I hear 'wish you were here, i love you, i miss you' or anything like that... it's not like I'm asking for much, I just want this to come naturally from her. Maybe I'm totally wrong about everything but it's just breaking my heart and I can't just hide it. I know I'd be a lot different if I went on vacation... maybe we just need to talk when things cool down. Thanks for you help though.

 

You've been in a realtionship long enough to be secure enough to let go when you need to. Exceptions need to be made. Being in love and being secure in a relationship are two different things.

 

I understand feeling hurt about noting you as a "friend" instead of her "boyfriend". It would cause me to question too. I didn't read that part in your earlier post.

 

I believe in communication. Communicate what you feel and think and see what she has to say. Sometimes all you need is a heart to heart sit down instead of sitting around and speculating and coming up with conclusions. Communicate and get answers.

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I guess all of this means she has an unstable personality/character..

 

Well I wouldn't go that far. It seems that you're very quick to call things out. I don't think this is a deal breaker - you explained her reasoning for the friend vs. boyfriend thing so...that's somewhat taken care of.

 

From what you've told us - it sounds like a very immature and unhealthy relationship on both ends - I'm assuming you guys are younger than 23-25? I know that sounds like a really snarky comment but this just doesn't sound like two real adults.

 

reevaluate the relationship.

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sally4sara

On the next episode of The New 90210:

 

"These problems matter" :mad:

 

Please tell me you'll save all those texts and this entire thread so you can read them 20 years from now?

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John Davis
8 months into a relationship you should be secure enough to go a few days without her contacting you. You should be secure enough not to analyze every little thing she says or she does. You shouldn't jump to conclusions that she's with the ex, nor should you go accusing her of that.

 

Is that right that she's tried to call you twice since you had this little argument? And you haven't picked up, meaning you are ignoring her, and you are expecting her to do more? What the hell man? What could you possible expect more of her to do? Hire a pilot to write it in the sky?

 

So when she gets all clingy on you, does that annoy you? Now, let's flip the role. How do you think she feels now when you go all cling wrap on her?

 

I think you need to figure out why you need her to validate your existence with her saying, "I miss you, I wish you where here" and so on. And why, if she doesn't say that, does that make you think that she's changing and falling out of love.

 

The more I read, the more toxic this relationship sounds on both sides. Clingy is not a word that should be used as a good point in any relationship.

WTRanger

 

I think you're looking at it from the wrong point of view. Ours is not as relaxed a relationship completely being able to set each other free simply because of the fact that we miss each other a lot. It may be in a few years time when we get so used to each other that nothing matters but at the moment we still have that fire burning. We're always together. So now just because she went on holiday doesn't mean we're any different nor should it. People miss each other even more when they're apart, not less. Do you see? This could be her attempt at testing me or making me jealous, because she's tried that before, she's a little childish yes, absolutely. I've never given her that feeling that I might break up with her and that she needs to work on the relationship, I've never really scared her like that but she's scared me many times. Until now I've been the 'guaranteed guy' who'll always be there... you know? I should've done things differently but it's hard to role-play when you love somebody.

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Yes, but I've never been as distant as she's being now at any point in our relationship. I don't think I deserve the distance. I mean our relationship is full of constantly being together and being happy and not liking being apart...

 

I've had times when I absolutely couldn't/didn't want to talk but I did. That's the difference between us. You're right in that this could be a toxic relationship, but we really do love each other, so that's why I'm expecting a little more than two phone calls I mean she knows I'm hurt because I told her, it was the mature thing to do... she hasn't put in much effort you know? I nee

 

She hasn't put effort? She tried to call you. She tried to talk. You ignore her and say she's not putting in the effort? What do you expect her? What's your definition of her putting in the required effort? Seriously, I don't get what this girl has to do to validate you. There's only distance because you are refusing to talk. And going on vacation is not being distant, it's going on vacation.

 

If you actually take her call, or call her and talk to her about the friend comment instead of drawing delusional conclusions, you may find out that it has the simplest and completely rational explanation.

 

This whole situation has gone from an ant hill to a mountain over nothing.

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John Davis
On the next episode of The New 90210:

 

"These problems matter" :mad:

 

Please tell me you'll save all those texts and this entire thread so you can read them 20 years from now?

What are you trying to say sally4sara? I don't quite understand.

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WTRanger

 

I think you're looking at it from the wrong point of view. Ours is not as relaxed a relationship completely being able to set each other free simply because of the fact that we miss each other a lot. It may be in a few years time when we get so used to each other that nothing matters but at the moment we still have that fire burning. We're always together. So now just because she went on holiday doesn't mean we're any different nor should it. People miss each other even more when they're apart, not less. Do you see? This could be her attempt at testing me or making me jealous, because she's tried that before, she's a little childish yes, absolutely. I've never given her that feeling that I might break up with her and that she needs to work on the relationship, I've never really scared her like that but she's scared me many times. Until now I've been the 'guaranteed guy' who'll always be there... you know? I should've done things differently but it's hard to role-play when you love somebody.

 

All I'm getting to is at this point you should be able to go at least 24 hours with zero contact from her and not think she's going distant or that she's banging an ex boyfriend.

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