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I envy people that have never had a breakup


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For example my co worker who wants to marry her high school boyfriend. Its not fair that other people have no idea what its like. Yet they try and give you advice, but its easy for them to say whatever they want. Especially if they've never experienced it themselves.

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Ross MwcFan

What about the people who have never had a relationship? Do you think they're better off?

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An outside perspective can be very helpful. For example I look at my little cousin, who has never had a relationship obviously and admire her complete happiness in whatever she's doing. She has a life without a relationship and she's just oblivious to everything else.

 

That's something we're still capable of as adults. We simply forget it. We get so tied up with "serious" things that we forget our innocence.

 

She can't advise me on how to deal with the relationship itself, but maybe she can provide insight into everything else. :)

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What about the people who have never had a relationship? Do you think they're better off?

 

This is a fantastic point. Unfortunately for me personally, I find it hard to accept. The reason is I consider myself young. This question asks me to appreciate the past and be greatful I had it at all. I'm too early to be looking backwards. This is something I'd consider if I was much much older, infact older than anyone would be on these boards.

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PegNosePete
Its not fair that other people have no idea what its like.

Well put it this way, if it all comes tumbling down then they are totally unprepared for it and it will hurt them 10x as much. So having gone through it you have more experience of life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and all that.

 

Yet they try and give you advice

Yeah do agree with this. Someone who has no experience can't imagine what it's like. Tell them: "just remember, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, and I know the sour".

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What about the people who have never had a relationship? Do you think they're better off?

This is a difficult question to answer! If you asked me this straight after I got dumped, I would've said yes.

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Well put it this way, if it all comes tumbling down then they are totally unprepared for it and it will hurt them 10x as much. So having gone through it you have more experience of life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and all that.

 

I agree with this. I do NOT envy someone who does not know the pain of the breakup. And if you've had the security of being with the same person since early in life and some day it comes crashing down, ouch! People change from their teens into their 20s and even later than that. I guess there are those fairy tales out there of people who fall in love and stay there for the rest of their lives. But that's a very small minority. You learn new things from every person you date, you learn about yourself, you learn from the suffering of a breakup and the problems of a relationship that didn't work.

 

You might as well envy the dead. This is good suffering, don't waste it!

 

Indeed there is. I was thinking to myself the other day "The more it hurts, the more you're learning". I'm in a lot of pain over my recent ex but I also feel like I have matured 10 years because I have had to figure out so much about myself during all this.

 

 

You cannot appreciate the good without knowing the bad. You could live your entire life in a mansion with all the money that you'll ever need, and sure you'll be happy and you'll know that other people in the world have to work for their money, but you would still never ever appreciate it as much as someone who has gone through hardships in life and THEN comes across some money.

 

You can't truly appreciate summertime if you've never been through a long cold winter, you can't appreciate victory if you haven't experienced defeat, and I can't imagine that you can truly love someone and know what it takes for them to love you and stick with you too if you've never experienced someone dumping you and breaking up with you.

 

Don't think everyone else has it better. These people who have "never experienced heartbreak" could make it into their 30s with their childhood sweetheart and then suddenly feelings change and they will feel destroyed and lost because the happiness and the love is all they've ever known. I don't mean to jinx these people or imply that they are headed for certain doom, it certainly could work out for them. But just like anything in life, just because you seem someone dressed nice and driving a fancy car doesn't mean you can assume that their life is great.

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RuinedLife
What about the people who have never had a relationship? Do you think they're better off?

 

I would say... unequivocally yes after my recent experience.

 

In fact one of the methods I use to try and cope with my break up despair and depression is to try to wind my life back in my head to a time before my broken relationship. And in a way seeing my lost relationship as a dream... a dream from which I've now been painfully awoken does help a little. So I keep trying to return to my old way of thinking, to my old way of life before the relationship engulfed my soul and ripped out my heart. But it doesn't really work, because the relationship lasted so long, the memories are still so constantly vivid and my ex seems so like my soul mate still.

 

My parents first got together in high school when they were 16 and they've been happy together ever since for over 40 years now!

 

And they try and tell me to just get over it and move on etc, but they have no idea what its like when someone you love breaks your heart because they've never experienced it. And I know they have experienced many other things, mainly loss from death, but its not the same as being rejected by the one you love or feeling worthless in addition to the feelings of loss that occur after a break up.

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I hate break ups but it puts perspective on things. We all probably need to be a little less intense about the relationship and I have learned that now. And without feeling the lowest of lows, you'll never appreciate the highs that a relationship and love will give you. That high is the greatest thing in this world. I know when I'm able to get that high back it will feel 100x better because I'll appreciate it so much more.

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For example my co worker who wants to marry her high school boyfriend. Its not fair that other people have no idea what its like. Yet they try and give you advice, but its easy for them to say whatever they want. Especially if they've never experienced it themselves.

 

In many respects listening to those who have not had such an experience may be better for you methinks rather than all the wallowing. I would see them as being an aspect of myself to recover.

 

But that's me and I am the person who has ended all previously useless relationships, in order to maintain the innocent part of myself.

 

Shock through a sudden ending I can fathom (.. for a limited time) but the whole 'death dance' I find highly unattractive and probably indicative of some level of depression or more deeply rooted instability.

 

I have found a pattern that people who wallow too long are usually simply miserable people in the first instance .. and until they realise this, nothing changes.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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RuinedLife

Shock through a sudden ending I can fathom (.. for a limited time) but the whole 'death dance' I find highly unattractive and probably indicative of some level of depression or more deeply rooted instability.

 

I have found a pattern that people who wallow too long are usually simply miserable people in the first instance .. and until they realise this, nothing changes.

 

Yes this is very true. I have suffered from depression and anxiety issues since long before my break up. Indeed I know that it was my insecurities and anxiety driven actions that pushed my ex away from me.

 

The break up has just magnified all these problems 1000x fold for me. I was on anti-depressants before, and I still am and I hope to get therapy soon, so I definitely realize I have deep issues, but these problems just make it so much harder for me to cope with the loss and rejection associated with a break up. In this way my negative emotions just spiral further and further out of control.

 

i.e. Anxiety and depression triggers a break up -> Obsess and regret anxiety driven actions -> Feel more depressed obsessing over how anxiety issues caused break up etc...

 

So I become stuck in a loop of anxiety, depression and obsessive thinking patterns

 

Secure, and emotional stable people can better cope with break ups because they have high self esteem and a sense of independent self worth that they are able to maintain throughout a relationship and after a break up, which helps them better cope with the situation.

 

Insecure emotionally unstable people (like me) base their own worth on the feedback they receive from others, so during a relationship they easily "lose themselves" and when the relationship is over they lose any sense of worth and feel worthless.

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Yea - but it wasn't until my breakups that I learned some really valuable life/relationship lessons.

 

Break ups can really suck but they can really help you out in the long run. In my case - I'm thankful as hell for them. I kind of wonder what it would be like to be with only one person. I wonder if they grow as much or learn as much?

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shortee143

Ah my feelings on that depend on the day! I sometimes find myself saying that I am envious of the 2 or 3 friends I have that have never experienced heart break. It is true though- they can't fully relate, they gave advice and comfort, but they don't fully understand the pain. But I think once anyone and everyone get past a break up- you def learn things.

 

I feel like getting your heart broken, as sadistic as it might sound, is essential in life. Although, I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone, I think 99% of people experience it at some point. I sure as heck take comfort that I'm not alone even when I feel i am, and that others have had it worse!

 

Would I rather have never been in a relationship, thus never too feel the pain? Ah I have that thought to...but I think I'd rather have had them and enjoyed my time, and learned.

Life is one big cycle of relationships with friends, partners, etc.

 

At the end of the day, all we all want is the pain of the heartbreak to pass, and it does, but boy is it a process of misery, crazy thoughts, swearing off love, blaming one's self anger, etc....but in the end, you come out stronger for it :)

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I don't envy people who have never had a breakup. I feel sorry for them. They'll never learn who they really are. Besides, your friend wants to marry her high school boyfriend. She's not married yet, and she's not possibly divorced yet. Don't assume this girl will not experience a break up in her life just because now she's still in love and you are bitter and jaded towards relationships.

 

Break ups are learning experiences.

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