Broke NC and called her

[GivenUp0083]

So her hitting me up on gchat today really bothered to me. More like annoyed me. I decided in my mind that there's one of two things that can be the reason for her making small talk with me after a month of silence....

 

1. She has something to tell me (good or bad).

2. She thinks we can be friends

 

If number 1 is true, I want to know what she has to say, and I called to flat out ask her this. I'd be polite about it. I would just say that it's been a month of not hearing from her and I'm curious as to why you decided to talk to me today? If she spills the beans on something beyond small talk, then I'll evaluate that situation when it arises.

 

If it's number 2 and she just wanted to check on me cuz she "cares" and wants to be friends, I will explain to her she broke my heart, and that it's going to take me time to get over her. I respected her decision to end our relationship, I will ask her politely to respect my needs to stay out of contact with each other.

 

I can't have her dropping in on me to make small talk every month or so when she decides she's lonely or wonders about me. I need to move on with my life, and I think last weekend was emotional, yet turned a big corner for me.

 

I feel good about my decision, I don't regret it. I felt I'd regret it more if something was there and I didn't try to figure out what it was when I had the chance. The worst case scenario is she just wanted to be friends and/or she's trying to stoke her own ego. I think asking her nicely to respect my wishes is the adult and honest thing to do. Afterall, I'm a straightforward and very honest person. This is me, this is how I approach situations that bother me. I'm direct.

 

I called, she didn't answer. My phone is not working too well lately as I tried calling a friend after and they claimed my call never showed up. So, I emailed her, I said that I tried calling and my phone isn't working well so I wasn't sure if she noticed. I said "I'd like to talk to you. Give me a call."

 

I'm in business mode over this now. I'm not fuming on emotions or nervous about it in any way. This feels right. If she never calls me back I'll know she was just playing games and further my reason to ignore her/block her/move on with my life.

[usabup]

So her hitting me up on gchat today really bothered to me. More like annoyed me. I decided in my mind that there's one of two things that can be the reason for her making small talk with me after a month of silence....

 

1. She has something to tell me (good or bad).

2. She thinks we can be friends

 

If number 1 is true, I want to know what she has to say, and I called to flat out ask her this. I'd be polite about it. I would just say that it's been a month of not hearing from her and I'm curious as to why you decided to talk to me today? If she spills the beans on something beyond small talk, then I'll evaluate that situation when it arises.

 

If it's number 2 and she just wanted to check on me cuz she "cares" and wants to be friends, I will explain to her she broke my heart, and that it's going to take me time to get over her. I respected her decision to end our relationship, I will ask her politely to respect my needs to stay out of contact with each other.

 

I can't have her dropping in on me to make small talk every month or so when she decides she's lonely or wonders about me. I need to move on with my life, and I think last weekend was emotional, yet turned a big corner for me.

 

I feel good about my decision, I don't regret it. I felt I'd regret it more if something was there and I didn't try to figure out what it was when I had the chance. The worst case scenario is she just wanted to be friends and/or she's trying to stoke her own ego. I think asking her nicely to respect my wishes is the adult and honest thing to do. Afterall, I'm a straightforward and very honest person. This is me, this is how I approach situations that bother me. I'm direct.

 

I called, she didn't answer. My phone is not working too well lately as I tried calling a friend after and they claimed my call never showed up. So, I emailed her, I said that I tried calling and my phone isn't working well so I wasn't sure if she noticed. I said "I'd like to talk to you. Give me a call."

 

I'm in business mode over this now. I'm not fuming on emotions or nervous about it in any way. This feels right. If she never calls me back I'll know she was just playing games and further my reason to ignore her/block her/move on with my life.

 

Did she reply?

[Exit]

Well, some people around here make it sound like breaking NC is like a disaster, others see NC as a useful tool when you need it and nothing more. The world doesn't end if you break NC. Frankly this sounds pretty straight-forward to me. Who wouldn't be curious for an ex to start making small talk after a while? I guess the NC supporters would say "did she tell you she wants to talk? Did she say she wants to fix things?". Obviously she didn't, so maybe you should just already know that there isn't much meaning behind her contact. Or maybe she doesn't have the courage to say anything, and a little interest on your part may encourage her to get the message across.

 

Just prepare to be very disappointed. As they say, "someone who wants you would move mountains" to be together again, not make small-talk on chat. If you feel good and "business-like" about the contact you've made with her, good, then maintain that attitude regardless of her response, or lack of response.

[victoriaaa]

i have lost count how many times i have broken nc. trying to stick with it, as long as i keep it in my mind it will at least lessen my contact with him even if it doesnt mean i will never call him. we are all human and slip up every now and then.

[Kodo]

and a little interest on your part may encourage her to get the message across...

 

...Just prepare to be very disappointed. As they say, "someone who wants you would move mountains" to be together again, not make small-talk on chat.

 

 

And this is the part which leaves me so confused every single day...

[Exit]

Haha yeah I guess I either contradicted myself, or there really are two sides to that coin.

 

Look at it this way, the IDEAL is that someone would move mountains to be with you. We would all like that fairy tale to come true for us. For someone to love us so much and realize that they made a mistake that nothing will stop them.

 

But in life maybe we can't always expect the ideal. Maybe at most an ex will make a little bit of contact with us and it's up to us to see if there is anything more to it.

 

BUT, it's a fine line between trying to set your standards a little lower than "ideal", or setting them too low and just dealing with garbage that keeps hurting you. That's what I started doing wrong in the 2 months since my breakup where my ex and I remained close and I kept thinking she would be back. I took the whole "well, it's not quite ideal, but this is real life" thing too far. It's not ideal that she kept hanging out with me yet wouldn't give us another try, it's not ideal that she lied to me about what she was doing during those two months, and it's not ideal that she ended up sleeping with someone else even though the last remaining promise we had between each other was that we would still be loyal until we came to an absolute final decision about whether we could try again or not. Those things are far from ideal, in fact they are far from "okay", they are just plain crappy, and I blurred the line too far on what was acceptable.

 

So, it may not be ideal that your ex is just making small talk on chat. It's up to you to decide if it's still enough outreach that you want to risk exploring what it means, or if you envision that the person you consider the love of your life would do a lot more to try to get your attention again and that this is not worth it.

[Kodo]

Haha yeah I guess I either contradicted myself, or there really are two sides to that coin.

 

In a way you didn't though, because you did say that every situation is different. I contacted my ex 6 months after we first broke up (found some items of hers) and she tried making conversation with me. 6 months later when we got bck together she basically said if I had of kept talking to her it might have gotten us back earlier (she had left me for someone else and later broke up with him). But of course once I said what I ahd to about the items, I never answered her follow up text.

 

And why did I avoid? For the point you made. It was a 50/50 chance I'd end up really hurting myself. And then months later she sent me a text anyway pretending to check who "this number is".

 

So in a way, she did move mountains to contact me again. This case seems to have all the things you just mentioned (silent, needing a push, not needing a push).

 

Look at it this way, the IDEAL is that someone would move mountains to be with you. We would all like that fairy tale to come true for us. For someone to love us so much and realize that they made a mistake that nothing will stop them.

 

So, it may not be ideal that your ex is just making small talk on chat. It's up to you to decide if it's still enough outreach that you want to risk exploring what it means, or if you envision that the person you consider the love of your life would do a lot more to try to get your attention again and that this is not worth it.

 

Very true.

[GivenUp0083]

Did she reply?

 

She emailed me after I went to sleep, saying that she just got my email and thought it was too late to call back. She said to call her another night if I want to talk.