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Financial Infidelity/Broken Trust - Can marriage survive?


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I'm new to LoveShack.org, but was referred to it by my dear brother. So I apologize if I don't know the abbreviations to use. (Is there a glossary somewhere?)

 

Here's my issue. My spouse and stepson live with us, and my 2 kids from a previous marriage live in another state. Finances have been tight since my husband lost his job 2 years ago, and he is disabled with many medical issues, and is applying for SSD. I earn the family income, with some supplemental income coming from his unemployment. Husband is responsible for writing out the bills, and I get read the riot act if I spend too much -- i.e. on my weekend visits with my kids. I have cut out many personal expenditures -- gifts/cards for family members, vacations, hair coloring, etc. thinking that we were barely surviving paycheck to paycheck. We are headed for bankruptcy and foreclosure. I've borrowed tens of thousands from my 401k, and our family has lent us thousands.

 

Then, I just recently found out that my spouse spent all of a my paycheck a few weeks ago on his hobby, and about $11K in the last year. I confronted him, and he is apologetic and remorseful but doesn't think he has a problem. He let me take over his e-bay and paypal accounts, and shutdown all buys in process. I also opened up my own bank account for my paycheck, and I am taking over the bills. I took the next step to seek help, and exposed his problem to my family and his family. The last step of my plan for healing was to seek counseling which he as agreed to. However, he still has not agreed that he has an obsession -- he believes his interest in his hobby is shut off and he will buy no more because it will destroy our marriage. My love for him is strong and wanted to try to work this out.

 

THEN, when I built up the strength, I looked deeper to have a complete understanding. Paypal saves all transactions, and I downloaded the complete report. I found out that he has spent over $100K on his hobby in the last 5 years! I was and am flabbergasted. He says he never knew or imagined it was that amount. How is that possible??

 

Now I don't know if I can get past this. I feel as though I do not understand the ethics of this man that I've been married to for 7 years, who blamed me for our financial problems over the years, when he has had this secret the entire time. My family believes he is a con-man, and I can't blame them. I doubt his commitment to our relationship, a happy childhood for our children and their future, his efforts to search for a job, his true levels of pain/discomfort/disability, and why he really lost past jobs. How can I trust what he says?

 

Can one get past the bitterness of being put into financial ruin for a hobby?

Edited by PomMom
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Oh my lord. I would be so ticked and that's putting it nicely. That would appaul me that this man comes in with his child and uses you like that? You love him but honey he does NOT love you. He loves that money. Leave him there till you regain your money, everytime...then set his butt to the street.

Personally, I would take him to small claims court and tell him "hey this is business at this point". He needs to be taught a lesson. Sounds like a con man to me. Don't think you are the first. Men stay married years and years to do this to a woman.

You need to see an attorney because any debt will follow YOUR name. Get an attorney asap. You have been had by a con man dear. Get him before he runs.

Good luck. Be one of the winners. Don't be embarassed, put your helmet on and ammo and get kicking butt and take names later.

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kaycstamper

Yes trust can be rebuilt, just like it can with infidelity, this is just a breech of a different sort. But in order to rebuilt trust, everything needs to be brought to light, acknowledged, and dealt with.

 

I would recommend a financial counselor and IC for him. There should not be one person in charge of the finances, but BOTH of you in on it. Regardless of what has happened, you don't want a parent/child relationship. You need to work on setting a budget together. He needs to do something to bring in income and repay the family household savings account. I don't care if he has to do dishes, so be it! You didn't go into his disability much but you realize if it comes to parting ways you won't be able to touch that, but you have your retirement income depleted because of him. No it's not fair.

 

Do you WANT to save your marriage? Does he? If so, there is a lot of hard work ahead of you. You need to install a keylogger on your computer so you can be aware of all he is up to. It's too easy for him to take out a bank account somewhere. If you have a budget it's harder for $ to disappear without one of you knowing about it.

 

I'm sorry you've been through this. My exH took me for over $50,000 and believe me he was a good con...he set everything up over 3 years for me to trust him, and then blindsided me by quitting his job, his business, taking thousands out of the bank and sticking me with all of his bills...I will pay the rest of my life and it's put me under tremendous pressure.

 

I hope you go forward with your eyes open. If he is not willing to stick to a budget that the two of you create together, well then, you'll have your answer. Demand no more lies and just maybe he should sell his hobby stuff to pay back your household income.

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Do I WANT to save the marriage? I just don't know. He wants to -- in fact he doesn't understand why I just keep revisiting it and can't move on.

 

The emotion and shock of discovery is too raw. So much has been lost that could have gone toward our happiness and our children, that can never be regained. I am overwhelmed.

 

I am numb and cannot concentrate at work, let alone make this decision at this point.

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kaycstamper

They break trust and want to move on, naturally, it beats being accountable and owning responsibility for their actions, doesn't it? You can't move on with or without each other until this has been dealt with. He's immature and could use counseling.

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ComplicatedInCA
Do I WANT to save the marriage? I just don't know. He wants to -- in fact he doesn't understand why I just keep revisiting it and can't move on.

 

The emotion and shock of discovery is too raw. So much has been lost that could have gone toward our happiness and our children, that can never be regained. I am overwhelmed.

 

I am numb and cannot concentrate at work, let alone make this decision at this point.

 

I have always been a very forgiving person and I believe that we all screw up, sometimes majorly. A relationship or marriage cannot last without real forgiveness. However, it is also important to know when you are being used. It is entirely possible that the marriage is some sort of a facade for him that provides the opportunity and the context to achieve his own selfish goals.

 

I will not presume to know everything and my first thought is to at least try counseling to get all of this out. Ending a marriage is nothing to take lightly. If you feel deep down that getting a professional involved can help you to rebuild, then I say give it a shot. But that is only something that you know yourself.

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