Few months broken up after 4.5 year relationship... will this ever work again?

[CFM]

So I left my girlfriend about 4 months ago and moved across the country to start a new life. It was long overdue after months of fighting and issues in our relationship and never really healing after some stuff that happened between us while I was in Iraq. We lived together for the first time in very close quarters and had lots of unresolved drama.. which over time just tore us apart and I had to leave.

 

So, I left and we kept talking. She was devastated and during the time I was kind of emotionally numb. I missed her but felt like it just wasn't going to work. Fast forward a couple months from that.. we spoke regularly, but became pretty distant. I visited her for a week during her spring break and we jumped head first back into sex and everything else, basically acting like we never broke up. I left after that with intentions of possibly moving back up to her, but was still uncertain. We had an argument when I left about some stupid stuff.. and ended up not talking for a couple weeks after. During that time I pretty much decided to move back up there and wanted her back. When we spoke about it she seemed to not want it at all.. in about 2 weeks she went from wanting me to come back to not wanting a boyfriend or relationship. I became suspicious that she was starting to see someone seriously (which she denied) and felt very rejected by her sudden change of heart. I basically became a pathetic mess and called/texted her constantly trying to flip the switch back to her wanting me. All attempts failed and basically just pushed her away even more.

 

This drove me nuts and on a whim I packed my stuff and drove 26 hours to see her. I decided I wanted her and would do whatever to win her back. I assumed in person she wouldn't reject me and would feel everything like she had a month ago. This was not the case. She saw me, let me stay at her house while I found an apartment, but was emotionally cold toward me. No kissing, no touching, no sex. I was taken back by this and broke down in front of her and pathetically begged for another chance.. which failed as well. She kept saying that things had to be different between us this time and we couldn't just start all in.

 

I ended up getting an apartment and kind of accepting the fact that she didn't want to be in a relationship right now. I figure I'll take it slow.. re-establish our friendship and hope for the best. Well, I learned after a few nights of hanging out and sleeping in bed together (again, no sex, no love, just "friends") that being "friends" with someone that at one point wanted to marry me is not possible. It was fine for her, but for me it was terrible. We spent the majority of a week together off and on between work and her nursing school, but I really just felt awkward not being able to act the same way with her. The final straw for me came when Friday night rolled around and I offered to take her out for dinner. She said she already had plans and I found out she went out with one of her guy friends and stayed out until about 4am. I completely lost my cool and basically said that I'm not going to be her backup plan and be emotionally used until she comes around to the idea of possibly dating again. She just reacted saying that it's obvious we need our space. Follow that with some emotionally/anger fed text messages and it leaves me where I am now.

 

My plan is to basically go no contact with her, take care of myself, and move on with my life. Now, I'm curious to ask.. is it really possible to ever go from a five year relationship to being a watered down friend with someone? Do you think if I give her her space and improve myself, she'll become interested in me again? I was her first real love and her first sex partner.. will she ever really get completely over me? I don't really know the best course of action with her and really could use some advice. I'd like to have a chance with her one day again, but for me right now it just seems like I can't emotionally handle anything other than being in a relationship or not talking.

Edited May 8, 2011 by CFM

[TaraMaiden]

.....is it really possible to ever go from a five year relationship to being a watered down friend with someone?

Yes. But you both have to be in the same mind-set.

 

Do you think if I give her her space and improve myself, she'll become interested in me again?

no.

 

I was her first real love and her first sex partner.. will she ever really get completely over me?

You don't get it, do you?

She already has....

 

This:

 

I completely lost my cool and basically said that I'm not going to be her backup plan and be emotionally used until she comes around to the idea of possibly dating again.

 

- Is your imagination.

She never did, never was, and had no intention of using you as a "Backup plan". This is your definition, and impression, not hers.

She has no intention of dating you, ever again. This was amply proved when she went out on a date, with another guy, until 4am - while you were in her home.

 

I don't really know the best course of action with her and really could use some advice.

She's moved on.

you haven't.

You need to implement No Contact, fall completely off her radar and just make her drop off yours. TOTALLY.

 

I'd like to have a chance with her one day again, but for me right now it just seems like I can't emotionally handle anything other than being in a relationship or not talking.

 

Your chance has gone, and really, you need to see that, accept it and know it to be true.

 

You are obliged to select the latter.

 

Stick with it.

[CFM]

I appreciate the reply, but is it always that cut and dry?

 

She didn't go out with anyone while I was at her house.. while I was there for a few days she basically avoided all contact with other guys. She went while I was at my apartment and it may have just been with a girl friend or a couple of guy friends she has that I know for a fact are just friends. She does the "it's none of your business" thing when I ask where/who she was with and in the past when she's done it (while on a break or whatever) it was often a harmless occasion and she wanted to get me worked up.

 

As for the just wanting to be friends.. I don't quite understand some of the things she's done. Two of the nights she slept with me was in a nightie and no panties as if to tease me.. and every night she'd cuddle up with me. She'd see me get turned on and just say that she's not ready to have sex with me again "yet". I know she doesn't spend the night with any of her other guy friends. Why would she want me in her life at all if she didn't want to be with me is what I don't understand. She could simply tell me she's involved with another guy, or trying to be, and I would completely step out of her life. The thought that she may want to be with me is what's keeping me around, and I think she knows that.

 

Another thing is that she often says when I bring up her with someone else is; "I don't want a boyfriend right now at all" and wants to just have fun, that and she doesn't have time for a relationship; which is believable. She works two jobs and goes to nursing school.

 

The biggest thing that is probably keeping my hope alive is that multiple times she's mentioned that it hasn't been long enough to see if I've changed. Meaning she thinks that if we just jump back into things I'll go back into old habits that she dislikes and things will play out like they had before. Doesn't her focus on my changing elude to a possible future together? If she was done with me forever, why would she care if I changed? And why would it be mentioned when I bring up getting back together?

 

I'll note that this is a girl with major abandonment issues. Her father basically abandoned her not too many years ago and I know it really hurt her. Part of me thinks she still sees some really negative associations with me and him due to me leaving her. When asked if she'll ever feel the same about me again her answer is usually that she doesn't know.

 

She also has checked my phone and computer when she thought I didn't notice to see if I was talking to any other girls. I haven't been, and I think she knows that.. which I think kills any urgency she may have to claim me again. If she didn't want me or care, why bother looking through my stuff?

 

All of that said.. am I looking into everything too much? Is it really just over and I have to accept that?

 

I'm going to give her her space regardless, because it's what she says she wants.. but through everything we've never not spoken for more than a week. If I stop talking to her completely she starts calling like nuts. I guess I'll see how it goes this time..

Edited May 8, 2011 by CFM

[TaraMaiden]

I appreciate the reply, but is it always that cut and dry?

Yes, but bear in mind, the 'cut and dried' is in response to the initial information you provide.

 

Then, the aggrieved always comes back, in-fills, and promptly, the whole picture shifts.

so the original 'cut and dried' advice, no longer applies, because the OP provides a more rounded picture.

 

Or moves the goalposts.

 

Whatever.....

 

She didn't go out with anyone while I was at her house.. while I was there for a few days she basically avoided all contact with other guys. She went while I was at my apartment and it may have just been with a girl friend or a couple of guy friends she has that I know for a fact are just friends. She does the "it's none of your business" thing when I ask where/who she was with and in the past when she's done it (while on a break or whatever) it was often a harmless occasion and she wanted to get me worked up.

 

As for the just wanting to be friends.. I don't quite understand some of the things she's done. Two of the nights she slept with me was in a nightie and no panties as if to tease me.. and every night she'd cuddle up with me. She'd see me get turned on and just say that she's not ready to have sex with me again "yet". I know she doesn't spend the night with any of her other guy friends. Why would she want me in her life at all if she didn't want to be with me is what I don't understand. She could simply tell me she's involved with another guy, or trying to be, and I would completely step out of her life. The thought that she may want to be with me is what's keeping me around, and I think she knows that.

 

Another thing is that she often says when I bring up her with someone else is; "I don't want a boyfriend right now at all" and wants to just have fun, that and she doesn't have time for a relationship; which is believable. She works two jobs and goes to nursing school.

 

The biggest thing that is probably keeping my hope alive is that multiple times she's mentioned that it hasn't been long enough to see if I've changed. Meaning she thinks that if we just jump back into things I'll go back into old habits that she dislikes and things will play out like they had before. Doesn't her focus on my changing elude to a possible future together? If she was done with me forever, why would she care if I changed? And why would it be mentioned when I bring up getting back together?

 

I'll note that this is a girl with major abandonment issues. Her father basically abandoned her not too many years ago and I know it really hurt her. Part of me thinks she still sees some really negative associations with me and him due to me leaving her. When asked if she'll ever feel the same about me again her answer is usually that she doesn't know.

 

She also has checked my phone and computer when she thought I didn't notice to see if I was talking to any other girls. I haven't been, and I think she knows that.. which I think kills any urgency she may have to claim me again. If she didn't want me or care, why bother looking through my stuff?

 

All of that said.. am I looking into everything too much? Is it really just over and I have to accept that?

 

I'm going to give her her space regardless, because it's what she says she wants.. but through everything we've never not spoken for more than a week. If I stop talking to her completely she starts calling like nuts. I guess I'll see how it goes this time..

 

You both need counselling.

if she has abandonment issues (and you may see this, but does she? Does she know you think this? Does she agree?)

Then she needs individual counselling.

 

This relationship doesn't stand a chance at all, unless:

 

• you both step up to the plate, and both admit your equal responsibilities for it not having worked before.
  
• You both want to commit to one another 100% and work together 100%% to make it work again.
  
• You're both honest, effectively communicative and stop playing mind-games and trying to score emotional points over each other.
  

 

 

You both need to be mature enough to see this is just messing with your minds and you need to stop.

get counselling.

or get out, and get over it.

 

It's that simple.

[PinkChic]

I remember posting to you about a month ago telling you it would be a VERY BAD idea to move to her without her giving you some sort of commitment that she was willing to work on the relationship.... I won't scold you on that because I know love makes your mind do crazy things.

 

You need to move on. I know I HATE when people tell me that but it's true. This is such an immature and childish relationship. I was also in a 5 year relationship... engaged, bought a home together, had a dog together and getting ready to walk down the aisle in less than six months. As I told you before, I was emotionally checked out of that relationship long before we broke up... probabably a good year before.. and it sounds like she is also. I treated my ex the same way, he wanted nothing more than to "fix things" and continue playing house. I was NOT into it and said the EXACT same things your ex is saying to you. I looked at my ex as a comfortable pair of shoes that I couldn't get rid of because while they were old and raggidy, I still wore them because they were COMFORTABLE. After almost 5 years with someone you are COMFORTABLE. After our break up we have never spoken since (that was 2 years ago).

 

Yes, he will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. Will I tell my daughters about him someday when they are going through heartbreak? Absolutely. Did I learn A LOT about what I want and what I value in a relaitonship from him? YES. Have I ever thought about getting back with him? NEVER. He still crosses my mind all the time, but honestly like your relationship it was childish, unhealthy, immature and TOXIC. Moving to her without a commitment was not smart on your part AT ALL.

 

Bottom line: you can't miss someone if they are constantly chasing you. She has you exactly where she wants you. ON THE BACK BURNER. Heck, you moved 26 hours so you can chase her. I would probably be more turned off also.

 

Sorry for the harsh reality, I know during a break up we are all very fragile but sometimes we need to hear it from a stranger.