What should I understand from my ex's behaviour? I just don't get it!

[LovelyMiss]

We've broken up about a month ago, and in the first two weeks didn't really have contact. I was the one to break it, even tho I still loved him, because he was abusive and never there for me, lazy in the relationship. I have my many faults too, and about twice I hit him as well, when he said his ex was much better than me. I contacted him about two weeks from the beak up to wish him happy bday, and had a long talk.

I told him we should give it a try, now that he will start going to a psychiatrist and therapist. He said he still has feelings for me, but he doesn't think it should work out and that things will be the same.

I accepted things, and tried to move on.

But he has been contacting me a few times in theese weeks. First he sent me a love song. Then the second time, he said he's been succesfull in publishing a book but that he feels lonely among people, and that he is not happy. Third time, contacted me after 4-5 days after second, and said he misses me a lot, that feels he should see me, that every cell of his body explodes with love for me, that he wanted us to be together, to build a future, and me having his baby. And then suddenly he said he hates me. Fom what I understood, because all of the above didn't happen.

All the times we talked, he's been going on and on that I must have been cheating on him, and asking me over and over if I went out with other men after we broke up, particularly in the first two weeks, before I told him we should give it another try. But I never cheated on him. In the relationship. And after, I haven't been messing around with any man. But he was just obsessed with that.

I was quite calm and indifferent, to his love statements, as I thought I shouldn't throw myself head first. He asked me what I want from him and I said I didn't think about that, but that I know I want him to admit all of his mistakes, because whenever something bad happened, it was always my fault. To my surprise, he did, he gave me a long list of all the bad things he did, all the things he didn't do, but should have done.

From telling me he feels like giving me all his love, he changed the direction within the same conversation, practically begging me to tell him about the men I went out with, asking me to tell him even if I simply went out and didn't do anything, like kissing or hugging. He told me he needed to hear that from me, so he can set himself free from me. I told him I have nothing to say of the sort he wishes to hear.

 

I contacted him the next day and told him I am sorry he is feeling bad and if there's anything I can do he should let me know. He was quite distant, and said we will speak other time.

It's been a week, and I've had no contact from him, on the phone or messenger.

He's been out of town for a few weeks, but returned something like 4 days ago.

 

What should I understand from this? He said all those things, then he vanished for a week. I was expecting he should ask me out, contact me... have initiative... trying to win me over.

 

I just don't understand.

 

I still have feelings for him and considering what he said, but I want to see him fighting for me, for us. He's been acting much much better, compared to what he used to and stopped being abusive in any way in our last conversations.

 

He also kep saying in our last convo how much it hurts him to even speak to me, because I ditched him like an old pair of socks for another man, or other men... That I certainly must have cheated on him, that I wanted other men all this time. And to matter what I said, he kept going on and on with his version.

 

On one side, I understand his suspicion. I am beautiful, other men like me, I have ... or had... male friends. If I dared look at another man, he would get paranoid that I want him. If I looked at a car on the street, he would say I am looking for men. If a man complimented me, he'd get angry at me. If I enjoyed having a convo with a guy, then I was attracted to the guy and wanted him.

I practicaly had to hide from him, like talking sometimes to them when he wan't around. And our dialogues revolved around my relationship, and how to improve it, because I was having so much trouble. I had a male friend he was particulary jealous of. I didn't have his number in my phone, so my guy wouldn't go balistic. Wich he did, once my friend called me and I was too scared to answer so he wouldn't get crazy. I lied and said it was my sister, and eventually told him the truth and that I did this because he was too jealous and I couldn't have any friends.

It really enraged me, because I never wanted any other guy, and never cheated. He was the only one I ever wanted.

He has female friends, and talked to them, called them. Yes, sometimes I was jealous, but never did I engage in this type of behaviour, except when he started speaking with his ex gf, and kept telling me how great she is and how much better than me she is.

Edited April 30, 2011 by LovelyMiss

[chris1987]

You have to let this guy go. It wont get better. I would go in to nc.

[Sugarkane]

This guy sounds extremely jealous and controlling to me. You're not aloud to have/talk to otehr men, but he's aloud to have female friends? I'd completely cut him off

[Fufu]

I was the one to break it, even tho I still loved him, because he was abusive and never there for me, lazy in the relationship.

Be glad you have the courage to end an abusive relationship. No one deserves to be in any abusive relationships.

 

 

Your ex-bf seemed like he has lots of his own issues to work with. However, you are not him and you are not his life coach or anything.

 

As what other members have suggested, you have to let him go.

 

Seek NC asap to move on.

[LovelyMiss]

I was the one to break it, even tho I still loved him, because he was abusive and never there for me, lazy in the relationship.

Be glad you have the courage to end an abusive relationship. No one deserves to be in any abusive relationships.

 

 

Your ex-bf seemed like he has lots of his own issues to work with. However, you are not him and you are not his life coach or anything.

 

As what other members have suggested, you have to let him go.

 

Seek NC asap to move on.

 

Yes, I know this is the best thing to do most likely. I am angry because everyone thinks he is the sweetest and most sensitive guy, and no one would ever think of him as a tyrant. And this is what he has been to me, a lot of times in the relationship, at least in the last part.

He also has been the most loving man I've ever known. I always thought I could never ask for more. He gave me rivers of affection and love.

 

I know everyone is telling me to move on... but even so, I still want to understand his behaviour... And why is he doing all that he does.

 

It is maddening that your ex/lover has a ''I hate you, don't leave me!" attitude. Or... "I love you, but I hate you!''

 

I mean gosh, theese are souch strong words... and using them both 10 minutes apart from the other, with the same person... is just scary.

[LovelyMiss]

I mean... does he still want me, or what?

 

And if so, is it more of an ''yes, I want you but I only want to do minimal work in this, I gave you a signal I am interested and now you have to come to me running?'' attitude.

[Fufu]

Yes, I know this is the best thing to do most likely. I am angry because everyone thinks he is the sweetest and most sensitive guy, and no one would ever think of him as a tyrant. And this is what he has been to me, a lot of times in the relationship, at least in the last part.

He also has been the most loving man I've ever known. I always thought I could never ask for more. He gave me rivers of affection and love.

 

I know everyone is telling me to move on... but even so, I still want to understand his behaviour... And why is he doing all that he does.

 

It is maddening that your ex/lover has a ''I hate you, don't leave me!" attitude. Or... "I love you, but I hate you!''

 

I mean gosh, theese are souch strong words... and using them both 10 minutes apart from the other, with the same person... is just scary.

 

 

Everyone I know feels my ex is a sweet and polite person too but that doesn't mean he can handle a relationship well.

 

It's over the relationship and it is pointless and tiring to be constantly thinking what our exes' thinks and feels.

 

If you are so curious of about whether he wants you or not, why not ask him the ultimatum question, "Do you still want me?"

 

If he says no, Move on.

If he says I don't know, I'm confused, I miss you but... Move on too because you will not want to be with a person who does not know what he wants in a relationship.

 

Remember, what you feel may not be what he feel.

 

I will recommend you to check out this entries by Natalie of Baggage Claim. All her entries are amazing and they help me a lot.

 

Spend some time to read all these entries, it also helps to shift your thoughts on constantly think about what he feels and thinks.

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-over-him-when-you-thought-you-were-friends-part-one/

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-over-him-when-you-thought-you-were-friends-part-two/

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-relationships-dont-work-out/

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-life-lessons-how-relationships-teach-us-more-about-ourselves/

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/so-what-is-he-thinking-when-he-keeps-making-contact-or-tries-to-get-back-together/

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/more-videos-but-we-have-so-much-in-common-why-is-he-calling-when-he-doesnt-want-to-get-back-together-and-more/

Watch her videos.

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/get-out-of-stuck-getting-back-your-power-back-in-out-of-relationships/

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/get-out-of-stuck-getting-back-your-power-back-in-out-of-relationships-part-2/

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/miss-you-miss-you-oops-but-im-not-getting-back-with-you-when-your-ex-says-they-miss-you-but-youre-still-broken-up/

My most favorite entry of all.

[Fufu]

Up to today, 6 months after my ex broke up with me. I still don't understand why he chose to end this relationship.

 

We bought engagement rings and planned to get engaged end of this year and then last year October, he broke up with me via skype video as he's studying in oversea.

 

Until now, I still don't understand fully of his behavior and feelings of why he will choose to end the relationship without giving us a chance to work things out.

 

Then I figured, I am not him, he is not me. I felt incredibly tiring to keep focusing on his thoughts and feelings and neglected on my emotion well-being.

 

And I know, I can't force my feelings and ideas on him if he doesn't see that this relationship is workable.

 

Also, even if I am with my ex-bf now very lovey-dovey and our relationship is great, I still have to love myself and have self-esteem. We can't expect our beloved, our loved ones to be there for us for eternity. The ultimate truth in life is everyone leaves this world, this universe.

 

Therefore, treasure and cherish the people around you, your family and your dear friends. You don't put your life on hold for someone who decides that he does not want you in his life anymore or someone who has personal issues to work with.

 

You have your own life and future to live to the very fullest. Don't short change them and neglect them.

 

Take the end of a relationship has a new chapter in your life, learned the mistakes you did in the relationship and be a better person for yourself.

 

Your true happiness comes from yourself and not dependent on anyone else.

[LovelyMiss]

Up to today, 6 months after my ex broke up with me. I still don't understand why he chose to end this relationship.

 

We bought engagement rings and planned to get engaged end of this year and then last year October, he broke up with me via skype video as he's studying in oversea.

 

Until now, I still don't understand fully of his behavior and feelings of why he will choose to end the relationship without giving us a chance to work things out.

 

Then I figured, I am not him, he is not me. I felt incredibly tiring to keep focusing on his thoughts and feelings and neglected on my emotion well-being.

 

And I know, I can't force my feelings and ideas on him if he doesn't see that this relationship is workable.

 

Also, even if I am with my ex-bf now very lovey-dovey and our relationship is great, I still have to love myself and have self-esteem. We can't expect our beloved, our loved ones to be there for us for eternity. The ultimate truth in life is everyone leaves this world, this universe.

 

Therefore, treasure and cherish the people around you, your family and your dear friends. You don't put your life on hold for someone who decides that he does not want you in his life anymore or someone who has personal issues to work with.

 

You have your own life and future to live to the very fullest. Don't short change them and neglect them.

 

Take the end of a relationship has a new chapter in your life, learned the mistakes you did in the relationship and be a better person for yourself.

 

Your true happiness comes from yourself and not dependent on anyone else.

 

Wait... I don't get it.. are you two back together now? You said you are now very lovey dovey with him and have a great relationship.

[LovelyMiss]

Anyway, thank you so much for your feedback, and taking the time to write it!!

[Fufu]

Wait... I don't get it.. are you two back together now? You said you are now very lovey dovey with him and have a great relationship.

 

I'm not with him. I meant "Even if I am with my ex-bf. (Scenario speaking)

 

I hope you start to focus on yourself, we all deserve a better and happy life and all these start from ourselves.

[inthedeep]

LovelyMiss,

 

I read the part about you both hitting each other. I just got out of a relationship similar to this and once the hitting starts, it is over. Just over. Mine started off as the movie-esque, I'll push you because you hurt my feelings and you think my mini-tantrum is cute. Both sides escalate as time goes on. I believe once he's laid a hand on you, or you've laid a hand on him, and you both stay in a relationship promising never to do it again- you've subconsciously laid the groundwork that abuse is tolerated. It will get worse. Absolutely. It always does. Especially when alcohol gets involved, and you have resentment towards him about his laziness, you might do something you will regret and that the old you never would have even thought to do.

 

You guys are running on fumes. Your relationship gets its power from the constant push/pull and fear of the other leaving. He told you his ex was better than you? That's manipulation. He's lazy now? I'm not sure how long you've been dating, but if he's already lazy imagine years down the road.

 

What I've learned from these threads is that if someone really wants you, you will know. Another person on here said something along the lines of "If you were walking down the street and spotted a hundred dollar bill laying on the ground, would you immediately pick it up? Or would you say, hmm that's nice, I'll come back later and maybe it'll still be there." (Exclude the moral question of returning it- haha). Basically, when two people really love and respect each other they will not want to let the other go or waste time going back and forth over whether they should be together. It's that simple.

[Downtown]

LovelyMiss, the behaviors you describe -- controlling, abusive, rages, poor control of impulses, inability to trust -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If you would like to have a better understanding of why he behaves this way -- i.e., an explanation, not an excuse -- I suggest you read some of my posts in Katt's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. Katt was dating an exBF very much like yours. If you have any questions about BPD, I would be glad to try to answer them or refer you to articles that address them. Take care.

[LovelyMiss]

LovelyMiss, the behaviors you describe -- controlling, abusive, rages, poor control of impulses, inability to trust -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If you would like to have a better understanding of why he behaves this way -- i.e., an explanation, not an excuse -- I suggest you read some of my posts in Katt's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. Katt was dating an exBF very much like yours. If you have any questions about BPD, I would be glad to try to answer them or refer you to articles that address them. Take care.

 

Thank you for being so kind, to be honest I was suspecting he is BPD for more than half year ago.

 

I met him in november 2009, and I considered him a friend, but slowly started to like him. I fist felt pity for him, beucause he was telling me what a bad life he had. I guess I felt the need to rescue him from all that and make him happy.

 

We got together in the beggining of March 2010 and with time, I developed stronger and stronger feeling, while I started to feel he was becoming more ambivalent.

 

At first he was very calm, but right after we entered the relationship, he became moodier and moodier. First I placed it on his age, since he was 19 and I was 24.

 

My part of the fault is that I stirred up his insecurity, without realising... He asked about my previous relationship right after we met and since I had no romantic feelings, I told him stuff.

The boyfriends I had before him, were extremely succesfull men.

When we entered the relationship, I gave a few more details, on his demand... or telling him stories about how my life was before I met him. At that time I had more money and was going to fancy places, by myself or with my boyfriends or other male friends.

He started probing more and more... started judging me... snooping into my mail, pc, and asking more and more details about my previous relationsips, sometimes blackmailing me about it, that if I don't tell him, it might as well be over. He searched on the internet information abourt my lovers.

He said he felt compared when I was telling him about my fancy life before him and couldn't understand why I'd be with him, a young poor boy and not the succesfull older men. But I was with him because I loved hima and he couldn't accept that, he got more and more scared... and started terrorising me. Turned me into a damn monster in order for him to come out looing better. He used to judge me hours and hours for my previous relationships, insult and degrade me, abuse and be tyrannical, just to aplogise later and to it all over again but worse.

Each time I was left feeling like that last garbage on earth, my head was spinning and I simply felt like having a nervous breakdown.

 

My mistake is that when he told me if I found him masculine like my exes, I said I didn't. I was honest, maybe stupidly honest, maybe I should have lied. But I loved him to death and he meant the world to me. I was constantly there for him, telling him how wonderful he is, how good I felt next to him, supporting him. But all that ceased to exist. In his mind there was place for only one thing. My previous relationships.

 

On the other hand, I became obsessed by fixing the relationship, making him become the wonderful man I fell in love with.

 

I was stunned, because one of the things that made me fall in love was how calm and laid back he was. Now he was shockingly moody. And either clingy/needy or loving versus cold, indifferent and extremely hateful, as if I was his biggest enemy.

 

And everything was always my fault, except lately, but even if he admitted all his mistakes I am reluctant that he is actually aware of them. And then again, why would you completley go cold on someone, if you said you missed them wanted to see them and admit your mistakes?

Edited May 1, 2011 by LovelyMiss

[LovelyMiss]

I mean if I'd make a recap of the way he felt, or said he felt, there is nothing constant about it.

It was more like..

 

''I am madly in love with you, I want us to move in together, I don't want us to move in together, I want us to move in together. We moved in and now I am not sure, but don't leave, I love you more than anything, but I'll degrade you daily till the last shread of humanity has dissapeared from you. But I love you! I want to move out! I don't want to move out! Let's stay together! I feel less and less for you. Now that you're gone, I want you more than anything! I hate you! I love you! I don't know how I fell about you! I feel negatively towards you or indifference! But I love you! I miss you and I want to see you! I want you, but I only put a tiny bit of effort... I see you didn't respond... so now no sign, for a week now!

[LovelyMiss]

Many times I've threatened with breaking up, or moving out if he didn't behave, while not intending to do so, simply because I felt too much in love. First he was very very scared but then he got used to it once he leared I didn't come through with them.

 

It was the only way to make him cool down from his hate and attacks. He would become very emotional and clingy. Most times. Other times it appeared like it had no effect and he didn't feel a thing. He would cry and promis to change, then after a few days, get back to his old behaviour.

 

The last times he contacted me stopped being nasty or vebally abusive. Why the niceness now?

[LovelyMiss]

LovelyMiss,

 

I read the part about you both hitting each other. I just got out of a relationship similar to this and once the hitting starts, it is over. Just over. Mine started off as the movie-esque, I'll push you because you hurt my feelings and you think my mini-tantrum is cute. Both sides escalate as time goes on. I believe once he's laid a hand on you, or you've laid a hand on him, and you both stay in a relationship promising never to do it again- you've subconsciously laid the groundwork that abuse is tolerated. It will get worse. Absolutely. It always does. Especially when alcohol gets involved, and you have resentment towards him about his laziness, you might do something you will regret and that the old you never would have even thought to do.

 

You guys are running on fumes. Your relationship gets its power from the constant push/pull and fear of the other leaving. He told you his ex was better than you? That's manipulation. He's lazy now? I'm not sure how long you've been dating, but if he's already lazy imagine years down the road.

 

What I've learned from these threads is that if someone really wants you, you will know. Another person on here said something along the lines of "If you were walking down the street and spotted a hundred dollar bill laying on the ground, would you immediately pick it up? Or would you say, hmm that's nice, I'll come back later and maybe it'll still be there." (Exclude the moral question of returning it- haha). Basically, when two people really love and respect each other they will not want to let the other go or waste time going back and forth over whether they should be together. It's that simple.

 

I know what I want, he is the constantly ambivalent one.

[Downtown]

I know what I want, he is the constantly ambivalent one.

I would rather say that he is the emotionally unstable one. When people are ambivalent about something, they experience strong mixed feelings that make it difficult or impossible to go one way or the other. A BPDer like your BF, however, cannot tolerate mixed feelings or ambiguities. This is why he does "splitting" so often, wherein he classifies everyone as "all good" or "all bad." Moreover, because his deep anger (carried from childhood) is event triggered, he will reclassify people within 10 seconds -- based solely on an idle comment or minor action -- from one category to its polar opposite. This is why he can be so adoring and loving for days and then, in an instant, start degrading you. It's happens so quickly you would swear he has thrown a switch in his mind.

The last times he contacted me stopped being nasty or vebally abusive. Why the niceness now?

It is occurring now because you are in the pull-back phase. Because a BPDer fears engulfment, he will feel suffocated during intimate moments. It is very frightening and uncomfortable. He feels like you are trying to control him and like he is losing himself in your strong personality -- like he is evaporating into thin air. He therefore will suddenly push you away by creating an argument over nothing. And the worst of these meaningless arguments will come immediately after your most intimate evenings, or after a great weekend spent together.

 

Yet, as you back off to give him breathing room, you will trigger his other great fear: abandonment. It may take a few hours or days for that fear to kick in but, when it does, he will be so desperate to pull you back that he will get tunnel vision. That is, he will admit to any fault, and make any promise -- will do whatever it takes to bring you back. But, of course, shortly after you return, the push-away and pull-back cycle begins anew. Please read the two threads I gave you links for. They explain this and much more.

[LovelyMiss]

I would rather say that he is the emotionally unstable one. When people are ambivalent about something, they experience strong mixed feelings that make it difficult or impossible to go one way or the other. A BPDer like your BF, however, cannot tolerate mixed feelings or ambiguities. This is why he does "splitting" so often, wherein he classifies everyone as "all good" or "all bad." Moreover, because his deep anger (carried from childhood) is event triggered, he will reclassify people within 10 seconds -- based solely on an idle comment or minor action -- from one category to its polar opposite. This is why he can be so adoring and loving for days and then, in an instant, start degrading you. It's happens so quickly you would swear he has thrown a switch in his mind.It is occurring now because you are in the pull-back phase. Because a BPDer fears engulfment, he will feel suffocated during intimate moments. It is very frightening and uncomfortable. He feels like you are trying to control him and like he is losing himself in your strong personality -- like he is evaporating into thin air. He therefore will suddenly push you away by creating an argument over nothing. And the worst of these meaningless arguments will come immediately after your most intimate evenings, or after a great weekend spent together.

 

Yet, as you back off to give him breathing room, you will trigger his other great fear: abandonment. It may take a few hours or days for that fear to kick in but, when it does, he will be so desperate to pull you back that he will get tunnel vision. That is, he will admit to any fault, and make any promise -- will do whatever it takes to bring you back. But, of course, shortly after you return, the push-away and pull-back cycle begins anew. Please read the two threads I gave you links for. They explain this and much more.

 

Well if my NC (although he can see me on messenger daily) makes him fear abandonment, he should have contacted no? But he hasn't done so in a week, the longest ever.

Edited May 2, 2011 by LovelyMiss

[LovelyMiss]

I have read from your others posts as much as time afforded, and yes, I am amazed about all the info and find it quite useful. Thank you so much!