No Intention Of Marriage

[shopgrl]

This may be a dumb question but I'm just wondering....

 

Has anyone been in a serious long term relationship which ended because you want to be married someday in the near future and your partner decided he/she has no intentions of marriage? Regardless of who ended the relationship.

 

It seems that this situation is happening more and more. Call me ignorant but I just can't understand why someone (especially someone in their late 20s or early 30s) wouldn't want to get married.

 

How could you be in love with someone, date him/her for years but not want to get married? A friend of mine dated her ex for 5 years, no ring, nothing. One of them ended the relationship and she is dating another guy and now her ex is "hurt". It doesn't make sense.

 

Anyone have any insight or experience?

[dont]

I have some experience on the subject. I was involved with a woman and after about three months of dating, I made the decision in the back of my mind that I could not marry her. Despite that, I did not break up with her because I was having a great time in the relationship. The relationship lasted about 1 year and ended when she left the country to pursue her career aspirations. I was lucky that she had such big goals in life and left the country, because it would have been very difficult to ever break up with her because I did love her. It was a catch-22. I was so hurt once I had lost her, but I hadnobody to blame except myself. It took me a solid year to get over her. I learned so much from the experience... and I will never do it again. It ended up hurting me a lot more than it hurt her, but it was completely unfair of me. Live and learn...

[Layla]

Hi dont

 

Why did you decide after two months that you couldn't marry her? Was it your general beliefs about mariage or was there - in your eyes - something missing with her?

 

I am in a situation where I have been with my boyfriend for 16 months and he does tell me how he has never loved anyone like this before. He treats me really well and we do get on well. (I am 28, he is 31).

 

On the other hand he does love partying and I have been wondering whether he is the sort of person who ever intends to get married.

 

I am not in a hurry, but would still love to know what his mind set is.

 

Do you think it is stupid to ask what he thinks about the subject? Will it push him away in case he is considering asking in the near future?

 

Thanks for your answer.

[dont]

Hi Layla... It had nothing to do with my general beliefs about marriage. I want to get married when I find the right person. I guess part of it had to do with the fact that I am still pretty young, (25) and this was only my first real relationship. All of my previous relationships had lasted 3 months at the most. I always knew she would be leaving the country at some point, so it was a way for me to experience a true relationship and fall in love with an escape route at the end. (Again, I know this was total bull**** on my part.)

 

To answer your question, I do not think it is a stupid question to ask on your part. I wish my ex had asked me what I intended to do when she left the country. I could not have not lied to her about that and it would have brought out the truth. Because she never asked me, I never felt obligated to tell her.

 

After experiencing this whole ordeal, I realize just how important communication is. I don't think one person should ever pressure another person into marriage, but there should be communication. It would be wrong of you to say something to the effect of "Are we ever going to get married? If not, then I'm leaving you."

 

However, I think it is fair to have an honest conversation about your future. At the very least, I think there would be some times when the two of you talk about the future together.

 

Let me know if you want any more questions... I'm happy to give my perspective.

[Layla]

Hi dont

 

Thanks for those answers. I am sorry you let your ex-girlfriend go without telling her what your feelings were.

 

My boyfriend does bring up the future with me in it. I mean he asked me to move in after a few months, I felt insecure about it but then decided to leave my appartment. And in a months' time we will both be moving to a house he built. As I said he is very "expressive", often sits down with me and tells me how happy i make him.

 

There have been no hints like "our future children", or "where would we get married" etc at all. His oldest and dearest friends dropped a few hints about us getting married though when I met them and he left for a few minutes. That could just have been "talk" though.

 

Anyway, I don't want to destroy all the fun and happiness we have now by asking him about our future and eventual marriage.

 

He may change all of a sudden and probably feel trapped. On the other hand - maybe I am naive - but I do believe that you know you have found the one after one and a half years. Don't you?

[dont]

Hi again Layla... It sounds like this guy is very serious about you. I wouldn't pressure him. There is something wonderful about spontaneity and it sounds like your relationship has that. I think that my ex could always tell that I was up to 'no good' and I expect you could tell the same thing about your man if his intentions were deceitful. (Unless he can lie like a professional to the one he loves.)

 

I do think 1.5 years is enough time to know if you have found 'the one.' I am fairly certain that the next time I fall in love, I will know after 6 or 7 months if she is 'the one.'

 

It sounds like you have guarded yourself during this relationship too. If you were a little insecure about moving into his place, he probably sensed that and therefore has not wanted to pressure you about marriage, etc. It sounds like you two communicate very well within the subtext of your relationship. I guess living together will be the next test....

 

Cheers!

[Layla]

Hi back

 

Yes, I think I'll just sit still for a bit longer and see what will happen.

 

Just for your info, we have already lived together for 7 months now, but will also move to his new place in a months time (so we have already experienced the sharing a remote control and such ;-) It went well so far.

 

Let's see what happens

 

Thanks again for your thoughts!

[dont]

Hi.. I understand if you have a bit of anxiety about this since you are moving into his house... In a way, you have a lot more to lose than him if things ever did fall apart. I don't know... does anyone else have advice for Layla?

[dont]

Hi again... I guess I'll answer my own question... Maybe you should broach the topic of marriage with him... I mean, you are moving into his house. I think it's kind of weird that he's never brought it up...

[moimeme]

I'm a little boggled that people can know each other for years, even sleep and live together, and never ask the other's plans or dreams for the future! It's a real big and important question to ask fairly early on!!! I mean, if your idea of a dream life is city living and travel and you take up with someone who wants to own a ranch, stay home, and knit, you two are hooped right from the start.

 

For heaven's sakes, have the conversation about future plans and do it quick! And people who are dating, don't wait for years to find out what your guy or gal wants in life. It can be a complete deal-breaker!!!

[shopgrl]

I don't know how qualified I am to give advise but I definitely agree with moimeme. I think that it is very important to speak with your boyfriend/girlfriend about your future plans especially if your at a "ready to marry age" and have been dating for a significant amount of time.

 

If you want a marriage, kids and the whole family thing then things need to be established such as if/when he/she plans on marrying, if/when he/she plans on having kids and so on.

 

It important to know these things so that you don't waste years in a relationship that isn't going the direction you want it to be.

 

Imagine being with someone for years, before you know it your mid 30s and he/she bails because you finally have "the talk" and they realize your future plans are different. That would be devestating. It's hard to beleive but marriage, kids and the whole family thing isn't for everyone.

[dont]

Layla... I don't think I am too qualified to give you advice on this subject either, but I guess I agree with Shopgrl and moimeme...

[Layla]

Thanks guys! Really sweet how I received so many replies.

 

I just feel that if I bring it up I sort of have an outing that he is "the one" for me and if he says "yes" he wants to marry me than the whole romantic thing has gone, as I sort of feel like I am the one that has proposed. (the last thing I want to do!)

 

I am seriously way too shy to ask that bluntly. God, I'm such a junior but how would you bring up the question about future but still not being completely blunt??!! After all, isn't 16 months a bit early. (PS I don't think so.)

 

I just consider the whole proposing business the most romantic thing in a couple's live. I think that the moment when you bring this up most be really special and I do believe it's THE GUY who has to bring it up. On the other hand, you're right I don't want to waste my time. After all, I will be 29 quite soon.

 

Tricky one :-(

 

I can really understand if you guys feel like you have commented enough on this.

[NatoPMT]

'I just consider the whole proposing business the most romantic thing in a couple's live. I think that the moment when you bring this up most be really special and I do believe it's THE GUY who has to bring it up. On the other hand, you're right I don't want to waste my time. After all, I will be 29 quite soon.

Tricky one :-('

 

it may be special, but this is your expectation, and if you have expectations, you can only be disappointed. and whats more important - having a memory that you can tell the grandchildren, or having the opportunity to have those grandchildren in the 1st place?

 

i reckon you have to think about the bigger scheme of things - and to miss out on such vital communication because you feel its the guys job is just limiting yourself - and it (without wanting to sound melodramtic) could build into an unbridgeable gap if its this big a deal for you. and thats not good.

 

go for it girl. you can make it special yourself, and you'll have total control over how YOU could make it special. lifes too short for flapping about. go on, celebrate and crack open a new pair of tights.

[shopgrl]

Layla- I totally understand where you're coming from when you say that you'd feel like you were proposing if you told your boyfriend he is "the one". I'd feel the same way. I guess I'm kinda old fashion though because I feel that a guy should say I love you first and all that good stuff.

 

But girl, believe me, you have a right to find out where your man stands in your relationship. 16 months is no way too soon to know a person is "the one" or to be talking about marriage, especially at his age (31 right?). If I were you I wouldn't come out and say "you're the one", I'd just bring up marriage and children in general and find out if he sees either or both in his future and when. Based on his answers, you can make the decision to stay or go. Although, there is that possibility that he may just be saying what you want to hear.

 

You have posted some responses to my threads so I'm pretty sure you know my story. But let me just remind you of this--- (sorry if it turns out to be long... I'm so pissed) My boyfriend and I dated for 2 years (I'm 25 and he's 33), we talked openly about marriage, having kids and so fourth. We even knew where we'd live, we started saving money together--I mean the whole 9 yards!!! He always said that we'd get married in a few years because he just "wasn't ready yet". Mind you, he knew that I had been ready forever (I cannot wait to have children and plus both of us, especially him, was getting older!)

 

My mother has been telling me for over 1 year that he's never going to marry me and the longer a man has been single, the more likely he will remain that way because he's comfortable. Boy was she right.

 

Anyway, so we decided to break up a few weeks ago (mutually for different reasons). Well now, just a few days ago, my brother heard from his cousin that marriage is not in his future and he wants to climb the ladder at his job!!! What a crock of ****! And he used to always say that I was the selfish one!!

 

You can't imagine how I feel knowing that I wasted 2 years of my life with this ***hole. I can't believe it. Two months ago, my life was planned, almost set in stone. Now, I feel lost and alone. And the sick thing is--- I still love this guy.

 

According to an article in the November Cosmo (not like it's reliable but whatever) the high commitment period for college educated men is between the ages of 28-33. After age 38, the chances a man will marry drop drastically. Just something to keep in mind.

 

Go for it Layla-- find out what your man has planned for the future so that you can move forward with or without him.

[Layla]

Hi shogrl

 

Your answer was really moving and I feel for you (partly because I have been in the same situation with my last boyfriend). 5 years of being together and him talking about marriage etc and then finding out it wasn't for him.

 

I'm glad we split up, as I was very unhappy in the relationship, but still. all those wasted years!

 

In fact, I guess my new boyfriend is VERY comfortable as a bachelor as he has millions of friends, is the best houseman (I am the one whe creates the messy appartment ;-) etc.

 

He really wouldn't "need" a woman in his life.

 

We have gone through a LOT of emotionally draining things together and I have given him a lot of sh.. But he always wants to work things out and says how he doesn't mind me being complicated, restricting his freedom etc. as he receives all this love and stability he has never experienced before. I take that as a positive sign.

 

He came home from a stag the other night and said:" I want to be a "reformed character" because of you!"

 

I once said that my most important aim in life is to one day have a "successful" family with children and a husband who trust me and to whom I can give whatever I have. I said that people don't realise how much work it is to make a family "work" but that I will do my outmost to try and create a strong family or just leave it alltogether (I am from a very kind and loving family). I said that one day I want to look back on happy Sunday brunches and smiling faces in my household

 

He said he wants that, too. I said:" no, you don't" as I felt the discussion had already gone to far for me not to feel embarassed about openly stating my feelings.

 

I told him to leave it there!

[shopgrl]

Layla- It's nice to hear that someone has survived and moved on from a similiar situation that I'm going through because today I feel as if my world is caving in and I miss my ex so much. You are an inspiration for me. How long did it take you to get over your ex? What did you do?

 

Your boyfriend sounds alot like my ex-- lots of friends, good housekeeper and comfortable as a bachelor. We too have gone through a lot of emotional drainings together and he always wanted to work it out because I was "the one" and we were a "team". When I say emotional drainings I don't men cheating or deceiving, I just mean some tough times, like all couples have.

 

You know what the sh*tty thing is though- when we were having our break up talk he said to me " although I forgive you for all the sh** we've been through, I haven't forgotten it" And I just said to him that compared to other people, we really didn't have any major problems but if he's going to hold hostile feelings towards me for anything in the past then he's got issues. Because the way I look at it is that the past is the past, forgiven and forgotten.

 

Layla- I'm not saying your boyfriend is definitely like my ex, he's probably not. But just be careful, don't get into the same situation as you were in with your ex. I wouldn't wish this once, let alone twice on my worst enemy!!!! You sound like a great girl and you deserve the husband, children and family life you've always dreamed of.

[Layla]

Hi shopgrl

 

How long did it take me to get over my Ex-boyfriend? I guess I'm still "getting over him". We were together for five years, now apart for 18 months. (We broke up a bit before that but I was still living in the same household and therefore don't conider it a "clean break up".) It doesn't really "hurt" anymore but I probably don't spend one day not thinking about him, the mistakes we made, and the good times we had.

 

I think I'm not exagerating when I say he treated me unfairly as he was just so indecisive. He held all these bad feelings against me and I think part of it was from the way his mother had treated his dad. He never got over that. Wanted to have babies one day and think the exact contrary the following day etc.

 

Anyway, he adored me, but the more he loved me the more he hated being vulnerable and would step right back! Very very painful relationship which destroyed my self esteem, my happiness ..... and his.

 

My new boyfriend is different as I said before. Not scared to LOVE, show those feelings, do crazy things for me. He cried once when I said I couldn't see where we were going! He makes things easy for me. Unfortunately, I have been so hurt and "corrupted" by my last relationship that I am extra-sensitive to whatever he says and does. Sometimes I feel like everything he does is wrong in my eyes because I'm still so hurt from my last experience.

 

Still, these things he does and says are nice but you are right when you say that those people who want it deserve a happy family and so on. Because as nice as he may be, he can always walk out.

 

I am not saying that marriage gives you a guaranty but if a man like him, who has a lovely character, makes good money, is very good looking, can very well look after himself decides to go down on his knees and give you that last commitment, that is the biggest proof of love. And, call me old fashioned, but if he can't commit like that I will have to leave.

 

So, therefore, maybe I should have that chat, hey?

[shopgrl]

Layla-- Gosh...It's weird because our ex's keep sounding more and more alike. You are not exaggerating by saying that he treated you unfairly. It sounds like you were misleaded, just as I was.

 

I totally agree that marriage is no guarentee, nothing in life is guarenteed but I would've been the happiest girl in the world if my ex would've gotten on his knees and gave me his last commitment. I was so looking forward to that day.

 

I don't think that my ex ever got over his parent's divorce- his father was cheating on his mother and walked out on the whole family. He hasn't spoken with his father in years. Neither he nor his father have attempted to contact one another (that's pretty scary that you could just forget about someone who was a part of your life for 20 years... I should've taken this as a warning sign!)

 

I think that this is one of the reasons my ex is scared of marriage and I feel that as he and I got more and more serious he started backing away from the relationship. In turn, I became unhappy and had virtually no self esteem left. Obviously, he was unhappy too but blamed everything on me. My ex always told me that he'd never be like his father but I'm afraid he may have a little of his father's ways in him.

 

My ex was very indecisive as well. One day he'd say he couldn't wait to call me his wife and the only thing preventing him from proposing was lack of money, the next he'd say that he just wasn't ready for marriage. I used to hate it when he'd say "we're so happy now, lets enjoy this, I'm in no rush to get married" and "I don't understand why people rush into marriage". Ewww.. I cringe just typing those words. (Just so you know.. I never ever pressured him to get married or anything.-- that's so not me)

 

Thanks for listening to me vent. As for being hurt and corrupted by your last relationship--- Don't let your past rule your future. It sounds like you have a great guy who really loves you. But I still think you should have "the talk"!!

[quankanne]

I think that when you are in a long-term relationship, you must have "the talk" so that you know what your future entails.

 

After we graduated from high school, my best friend was introduced to the best friend of a mutual friend's boyfriend (whew!). They hit it off, and during the second year of their relationship, he gave her a nice engagement ring for Christmas. It was implied that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her as husband and wife. In reality, that relationship dragged out five more years before she finally dumped him. The reasons varied, but part of it was that he never would commit to a wedding date -- I think he must have felt he'd done his part by giving her the engagement ring and promising to marry her some day!

 

There has to be communication, plain and simple, and I don't think 16 months is too early to ask what direction you're headed, unless you just don't care where it's going.

 

quank