Ex Added me on Facebook... What do I do?

[KultKayleigh]

Please if anyone could help me with this... I'm on the verge of a breakdown... again

 

So, the back story is I fell in love with my ex 4/5 years ago back when I was at school, so for me it was love at first sight, I even said to myself "One day he will be mine."... 4 years after we get together and it's a complete whirlwind romance again for me, everything was perfect even though he had lots of moods which brought me down, but hey! I loved him so nothing else mattered...

 

Four/Five months passed and we - well I got started having problems with his mother... she didn't like me at all, and began slagging me of on FB; which upset me alot. The next thing I know they have an arguement [he wouldn't tell me what happened, why or what was said], the few times after I saw him/spoke to him he had changed completely and was as cold as anything towards me... I confronted him about it, and he left me... :(:(

 

Alot of harsh words were said from his side when he broke up with me via. MSN ...about 3 weeks later I told him what I thought had happened which was harsh I admit, and we didn't speak for another 8-9 months... Meanwhile, I tried desperatley and truly as hard as I could to get over him and I couldn't... and can't.... As well as later in the year I found out from someone that on a blog-type website he'd apparently been using me for sex, and pretty much hadn't loved me for a long time... [or was that just for show? Trying to big himself up???] again breaking my heart into more pieces, if that's possible

 

So this year feb, we started to talk again very odd occasionly-like... And he starts coming out with things like "I wish I'd spoken to you sooner" and other things like that. Which as you can imagine made me think... WTF??? you said you hated me the last time we spoke... so, whaaa???....

 

So yeah talking carried on in small doses for another month or so, and I couldn't take it anymore, talking to him while being head over heels in love with him is/was just too much... I told him that and he was okay about it, that he hoped we could talk again in the future, and that maybe we could go out for a drink again one day?...

 

And now, a month later he's adding me on FB...???

I don't understand it... I know I've done the wrong thing already by accepting the add, and trying to talk to him... but... why is he doing it?

 

I've read similar stories on here about ego-maniacs... but surely he hasn't changed that much into some kind of creep that wants to feed off my misery?.... or does he want to try again?.... =/ It's strange it's like he can't not have any contact with of sorts...

 

Do I ask him why he's added me?.... Because I can't deal with it, I haven't slept for nearly 5 days or had very little sleep [like an hour or two] because of it! I haven't eaten, I'm feeling sick constantly... :'(

 

I really need some advice... It's driving me mad... If something's going to happen I want it to happen. I either talk to him or delete him.

 

Please someone, give me advice

XxxX

[smudge21]

Feel for your situation - not knowing what's going on can really mess with your head and heart. It sucks when people are like this.

 

It's hard to say what his true motives are. Maybe, like my ex, he wants to know you're there should he need you, but also that you'll stay away when he doesn't. I don't know, it's impossible to really say. I'm sure others will give you their opinions so wait to see what else is said.

 

Personally I would deal with it head on - talk to him and be totally honest about everything. Just going no contact now will leave you with so many unanswered questions you'll never be truly over it and will constantly be thinking about him, and whether you should have said something. Once you've spoken then you can decide how to proceed, even if NC is the way to go.

 

There's no way I could've gone NC with my ex without first saying what needed to be said. I needed to close that door otherwise she'd be constantly trying to open it. I just believe people need to address certain issues rather then just slowly drifting away.

 

As I said, see what others say on this.

[Anthony74]

Hi Kayleigh,

 

From reading your situation, it certainly looks like because the 'friend' door has been opened slightly by talking over the last few months that your ex is simply wanting to extend this by having more contact with you via FB.

 

I know it's extremely difficult, but if you are still in love with your ex, and its hurting just having contact with him I think there is only one solution if he doesn't want to get back together (which I'm assuming he doesn'nt), you need to delete him off facebook, and initiate full no contact, that is after as smudge21 suggests - speaking with him openly and honestly and saying what needs to be said and finding out where his heart is at to.

 

I am in a similar situation, I desperately love my ex, so having contact and being 'friends' with her is a complete no go for me right now - so I don't contact her and have politely requested that she does not contact me, and I would say the same for you to, unless of course you are happy to be just friends and can handle seeing/hearing from him.

Edited April 21, 2011 by Anthony74

[KultKayleigh]

Thank you sweethearts "smudge21" and "Anthony74" thats helped me alot already :/

I'm such a wuss though when it comes to talking to him about things

It's a big downfall... I think I'll have a few glasses of wine before I message him about it after lol

Thank you againnnn you have no idea how much I appreciate it

Ps. i'll let you know what happens O_O im sure I'll need more advice lmfao

XxxX

[smudge21]

We're both from the UK, so give me his details and I'll do it for you. Alternatively you could put all your thoughts into an email. I do prefer face to face, but sometimes it is difficult to really get out your true feelings as it can be distracting. A letter or email can express everything and allows them to read it a few times and absorb it all.

 

My ex read my email and replied at first not really understanding what I was saying. She read it again, realised how serious I was and we had a chat. She didn't want to lose my friendship, and I didn't want to lose hers. But it was the only course of action I could take.

[lma]

I totally feel for you.. it gives a light of hope and its a good sign... I would say dont just accept it right away. And even if you accept only do it if you are still serious about it and want to work out the relation. All my best wishes..!

[KultKayleigh]

Ima - I am serious about having him back I'd do anything for him and to get him back... I'm just worried also, that if we do get back together --- his Mom =/ 'cus to be quite fair *even his socalled friends have told me* she is nutty =/ he just doesn't see it....XxxxX

 

Smudge21 - I'm goin to confront him about it tomorrow when I've had a drink lol, I need courage XD ....You know when you say, your ex knew how serious you were about it all... I don't think mine will be =/ I mean I hope he does, but I know he won't =S XxxxxX

 

Thank yOu both!

[smudge21]

Write everything down you want to say, and then organise it and remember it by highlighting key words in each sentence. Last thing you want is to mess it all up by forgetting stuff. I think you're brave to do this face to face as I'd find that difficult. I wish you all the best, but don't drink too much as that can bring up too many emotions and may cloud your judgement.

[KultKayleigh]

Thanks hun

But I don't think going over to his is a good idea.... He and his family would murder me. So I'm just going to email him... and see what happens =/

I've already started drafting up my email lol... It's short and to the point, I don't want to go into lots of detail because it'd end up being 5 pages long knowing me. And he would end up hating me again =/ and I don't want that...

All I want is to keep him at a distance and if we need each other we're there for each other... And when I'm over him have more contact, you know? =/

Unless he wants to get back together... but sureley he would have said something to me by now? =/ it's been a week... I'm so sick of this already

XxxxxX

[smudge21]

Yeah email is better. Keep it fairly short but make sure you're happy with it before you send. It's a one chance thing and it needs to say everything you want to say. Let someone else read it through first. Also be realistic about what you expect from his reaction. My email was a goodbye and her reaction was perfect - she was sweet and kind, didn't want to lose my friendship, but cared enough to let me go.

 

Keep us informed.

[nana841121]

hot and cold, back and forth

tormentor !

[KultKayleigh]

Do you think I should ask him out for a drink first to see if he replies? =/ then I could try and ask him in person =/

ARGH! Why am I finding it so difficult to say goodbye...

I don't want to lose his friendship completely and I don't want to sound like a nagging old hag... =/ grrrrrrrrrrr. Im glad you guys are here for me

XxxxX

[KultKayleigh]

I mailed him this:

Sweetheart, why have you added me? =/

 

I've left it as long as I can to see if you speak to me and you haven't =/

 

The last time we spoke I told you how I felt and nothings changed; and it's still extremely difficult for me. I know you probably think I'm not being serious Hun but, I am.

 

I'm not sleeping or eating. It's honeslty torture... And that's without me spouting on about feelings. I don't want to sound like I'm having ago or whining but,

It's not like you want me back? And adding me is making me think you do =|

 

I love having contact with you, I really do...

I just wish I didn't feel the way I do --- Things would be alot easier if I didn't.

 

I feel awful telling you this; I don't want to lose you completely, and I also don't want you thinking badly of me but, I just can't stay and play along with trying to be "Friends".

 

I know that if I say Goodbye for good I'll regret it like Hell...

But if I don't say goodbye there's a chance I'll never get over you...

 

It's either one or the other =/ I can't do inbetween; I've tried and it hasn't worked.

 

I just need you to understand, if you want me to move on, please let me.

 

XxX

 

And within 18 minutues he sent me this:

 

Hrm, fair enough, I see where you're coming from. It's just I thought it'd be nice to have the contact available if you know what I mean.

 

If it's still hard for you to have this contact available, I understand completely and if you insist we can agree to not have the contact and I'll remove you as a friend, when you're ready you can add me back or something if that works out for you?

 

I dunno, I just thought you'd be okay with it, just wanted to see how you were doing in all honesty, and I don't want to leave things on a bad note so I thought the gesture of having the contact would nullify that, I don't want to feel like there's a lot of friction between us or anything.

 

So yeah, I understand if it's difficult for you and I apologise..

 

 

OMG>>>>>> WHAT DO I DO or THINK!!!!???

[smudge21]

You've got the answers there. He wants to be friends and friends only. You need to now, like me, go total no contact and work on that healing. You need to break that emotional bond you have for him and move on. It's sad and it's hard, believe me, I know. But you must do it.

 

Be happy that, like my ex, he's being open and honest and also understands how you're feeling, and respects you for that.

 

Now, stay strong, because this journey won't be easy - but this place is always here for you, as am I...

[KultKayleigh]

but what if hes not? I knwo him... ps, dranbk alot :Sx xxxx

[KultKayleigh]

hes skipped pasdt all the important poimnts

[smudge21]

Be happy it's an email so he has every chance to read it as many times as he wants. I too think about my ex re-reading what I sent her and try to wonder if she's thinking about me (sadly, deep down, I know she's totally moved on and is happy with her life...). The truth is there is NO WAY you can know what he's thinking, so stop beating yourself up over it.

 

You've said exactly what you wanted to say and you did it for the right reasons, so no regrets there. Now all you honestly can do is go no contact and let whatever is going to happen, happen. It's tough, as you have no control, but that's how life is.

 

Try not to drink either, it won't make you feel any better and may only lead to you doing something stupid. You've made it clear how you feel so contacting him again now will only destroy everything you've said. I too have been tempted to call my ex, but after the goodbye email, I can't do it. It would mean everything I said to her was total bs.

 

Stay strong - you're heading into some hard times but you will get over it and be fine at the end. You also have no idea what could happen in the next 24 hours, week, month, etc, so try not to think about it. Just work on making yourself fell better.