BF walked away after I had melt-down in front of kids - any ?

[Sassygirl2]

I had a major fight with my boyfriend of one year last weekend while we were camping. We are both in our 40's he has 3 kids and I have 2. We've both been divorced approx. 4 years. We have been fighting more lately because I have been feeling "unimportant" or insecure. I have been getting upset over minor things and then making a big deal about them. He has been a terrific guy - always there for me. We have shared everything. We recently purchased a dog together and were in the process of looking for a house to rent together with our kids.

 

I recognize that I have been stressed beyond belief and now it has cost me my relationship. We got into a big fight at the campground (the kids were in the motorhome, but they heard everything). I got so mad that I threw a plastic plate at a tree and then pushed him. I know, really, really bad. I left and came back a few hours later and apologized for my behavior to everyone. Not that this made any difference but it was all I could do that night.

 

The next day was tense but we got through it. I apologized again to his teenage daughters (who heard most of it). I thought everything would work itself out and that we would talk that night after all of our kids (his and mine) went back to their respective mom and dad's houses. I was wrong. He didn't want anything to do with me that night and I understood. Then Monday was the same thing. I went to see him after work on Monday with flowers to apologize again. He then told me that he would never put himself or his kids in that position again and that he was breaking up with me.

 

I was in shock. I asked him why we couldn't try to work this out? He just kept repeating himself. I asked about all the plans we had, the dog?, our families that were blended, etc. He just stared at me and said, "I am not going to put myself or my kids in that position again."

 

I told him that know that I freaked out and that it was unacceptable; I understood that I had to work on my temper, stress, etc.. We had talked about my moods being bad from time to time and that I would get angry often. I thought he would be more forgiving in that he knew all the stuff I was dealing with.

 

I reminded him that I had just found out a few days before my melt down that my mom had cancer. I am also moving for my job to a new location and don't know exactly where I'm going to be, I am working on a Masters Degree Program and have been falling behind in the classes, I work fulltime in a high stress job and have 2 young children I share custody of. Not to mention some financial difficulties I've had this year. I know I sound like a basket case. I thought I was doing pretty good managing everything but I guess my actions spoke the truth.

 

I am on anxiety medication and take Ambien to sleep at night. I am also going through "the change".

 

None of this seems to matter to him. He just seems to want out. I have spent a lot of time with this man and his children. I love his family and his kids and most of all, him. I can't believe I lost it like that.

 

He wants to talk about "sharing" the dog as his kids would like to see her occasionally. He did say we could be friends. He also said that he can't predict the future.

 

Any advice on what to do?

[dreamingoftigers]

Leave him 100% alone to figure it out, don't pressure, pursue or try to convince him otherwise, go as NC as you can as well.

[Chi townD]

He's just really pissed at the moment. No one wants to be yelled at and berated in front of their kids. Give him space. Let the dust settle.

[DollyGirl12]

I think we've all been in situations, one time or another in our life, that we have acted inappropriately. What's done is done, you have apologized and tried to talk about things.

Right now he is very upset, which I can understand, and it sounds like you can also.

I would also say completely leave him alone for a while. His is very upset/angry and trying to discuss things with him is having the opposite effect that you want it to have. I do think at some point he will want to talk to you, but I think it has to be on his time, when he is ready.

Good luck!!

[Sassygirl2]

Thanks for the advice. I am realizing that giving him time to cool off is good. I just keep asking "how much time?!" I made it thru the whole day today without calling or texting him. I just hope I can make it all night. I want to "explain" why I've been such a pain in the ass and that I know I've taken advantage of him. I took everything out on him like we do sometimes with our loved ones and it wasn't right. I regret it and hope he knows how much. My therapist suggested I send him a handwritten letter of apology. She thinks it will help with closure for the relationship.

 

How do I motivate myself to start doing more to take care of me? How do I start being OK with being alone without a man?

[dreamingoftigers]

Wait a week to deliver that letter.

 

You sound angsty from here, God that sucks.

 

It is good that you are seeing a counselor. Try meditating for 15 mins every morning, helps to clear, refocus and let go.

 

You need to do something about that angst. Meditation rocks! (In a calm nice serene way.)

[2sunny]

I don't know what were you in shock for when he wanted out. You disrespected this man who was nothing but nice to you and you put your hands on him in a violent way, while the kids were there. Be glad he kept his cool and didn't react violently.

 

 

 

Life is tough for everyone, honey, including him. Just because you're dealing with stress and other things, that does not validate your actions. Nor does it mean he has to put up with your moods all the time. It's obvious you see this man as a pushover, and that he would put up with your attitude forever. I don't blame him. He deserves someone who won't treat him like cap.

 

 

 

So you threw the "health card" in front of his face to try to manipulate him into staying with you and your destructive attitude? Thinking that he'll take you back because you said your mother has cancer? How sick, lady. Do you have a personality disorder? Sounds like you need serious help.

 

 

 

Of course it doesn't matter to him! You became violent to him, in front of his kids! He's well within his rights to call it off, and with good reason. I would run for the hills too.

 

 

 

Oh well let this be a hard lesson learned. No man is going to want to put up with a woman with a funky, violent attitude. Next time you have a good guy, learn how to keep him and express your personal matters in a mature, constructive way.

 

 

 

Leave him alone forever and let him move on to find someone better. You have too many issues you need to deal with. Go get some counseling or see a doctor.

 

own your bad behavior. understand you crossed the line and he's not willing to put up with it anymore. stop hiding behind your excuses... know that your actions show what your character is. if you're not proud of it - get willing to change.

 

it's over - good for him. work on yourself. get healthy. become self supporting. no man should be subjected to your crap just because they date you - that never gives anyone the right to $hit on a nice person.

 

leave him alone... that way he can move forward and find a healthy woman to date. no contact, no apology note. actions are better - allow him to understand you never seeing him again is the apology.

 

get rid of the ambien - that stuff is highly addictive and not good for your system.

[Sassygirl2]

World is Yours and 2Sunny: Thanks for the harsh words. You are both right about what an ******* I've been to this man. I have been seeing a therapist. I am not a bad person although it seems that you have judged me as so from this post. This was an isolated incident in which I acted violently. I was in shock about MY behavior because I couldn't believe that I was so out of control. I have reversed the situation many times in my mind and I would have walked away from him as well if he had treated me that way too. You are correct, he deserves better. I just hope some day he will be able to forgive me.

[2sunny]

World is Yours and 2Sunny: Thanks for the harsh words. You are both right about what an ******* I've been to this man. I have been seeing a therapist. I am not a bad person although it seems that you have judged me as so from this post. This was an isolated incident in which I acted violently. I was in shock about MY behavior because I couldn't believe that I was so out of control. I have reversed the situation many times in my mind and I would have walked away from him as well if he had treated me that way too. You are correct, he deserves better. I just hope some day he will be able to forgive me.

 

you lose either way...

 

if he stays away that PROVES he's healthy. if he comes back that PROVES he's not- but then you would have him and his unhealthy self.

 

some things can't be undone... just learn from what you did. own it, learn how to NEVER do it again, and change the reasons of what caused you to feel bad enough to do it.

 

are you still on all the meds? do you drink alcohol too?

[Sassygirl2]

I am on the meds - have been for over a year. I haven't had any problems with Ambien, but I generally can't sleep without it. I do not drink or do any recreational drugs. I do suffer from depression and take meds for that as well. I eat pretty healthy but need to start exercising daily. That was one of the reasons we adopted a dog - so that we would both get out and exercise more (hence, walking the dog, taking her to the beach, etc.)

 

I am determined to get better. I am going to go to a co-dependency group tomorrow night, saw my Dr. today, and doing therapy weekly.

 

I'm pretty good at saying I'm "going" to do something but then procrastinate. This was the kick in the ass I needed I guess. I just wish it hadn't caused people I love any pain in the process.

 

Thanks for asking.

[2sunny]

I am on the meds - have been for over a year. I haven't had any problems with Ambien, but I generally can't sleep without it. I do not drink or do any recreational drugs. I do suffer from depression and take meds for that as well. I eat pretty healthy but need to start exercising daily. That was one of the reasons we adopted a dog - so that we would both get out and exercise more (hence, walking the dog, taking her to the beach, etc.)

 

I am determined to get better. I am going to go to a co-dependency group tomorrow night, saw my Dr. today, and doing therapy weekly.

 

I'm pretty good at saying I'm "going" to do something but then procrastinate. This was the kick in the ass I needed I guess. I just wish it hadn't caused people I love any pain in the process.

 

Thanks for asking.

 

the fact that you can't sleep without the ambien indicates a dependency issue... it's not supposed to be taken long term... only a month or so when prescribed. the long term effects are not widely known but can be severe. best to get away from it. meditation should help. get good with the meditation... it's very useful.

 

have your depression meds evaluated too... being sure you are getting a benefit from them that is needed...

 

any dog needs exercise... if you aren't going to exercise the dog - give it to the ex.

[Sassygirl2]

The ex doesn't want the dog full time so that's why she lives with me. I walk the dog twice a day. I just started taking her to puppy class once a week as well. He isn't going anymore due to the break up. She has brought me great joy and I am the one who wanted her. He, of course, fell in love with her and agreed to pay half the costs and take her part time. We were basically sharing her and his kids felt like she was their dog as well. The plan was that we were moving out together so we got the dog a couple months ago because we were in the process of looking for a place.

 

I see my psychiatrist once a month to evaluate the meds and have asked about the Ambien and its effects. She said that I take a very small dosage and the issues people are having are when they take a higher dosage. I'm going to ask again when I see her tomorrow. Thanks for the info. I will definitely try the meditation and decreasing the ambien. It would be great to be able to sleep without meds. It would be great to get off the meds all together but I tried decreasing them and I had a really hard time functioning.

[2sunny]

The ex doesn't want the dog full time so that's why she lives with me. I walk the dog twice a day. I just started taking her to puppy class once a week as well. He isn't going anymore due to the break up. She has brought me great joy and I am the one who wanted her. He, of course, fell in love with her and agreed to pay half the costs and take her part time. We were basically sharing her and his kids felt like she was their dog as well. The plan was that we were moving out together so we got the dog a couple months ago because we were in the process of looking for a place.

 

I see my psychiatrist once a month to evaluate the meds and have asked about the Ambien and its effects. She said that I take a very small dosage and the issues people are having are when they take a higher dosage. I'm going to ask again when I see her tomorrow. Thanks for the info. I will definitely try the meditation and decreasing the ambien. It would be great to be able to sleep without meds. It would be great to get off the meds all together but I tried decreasing them and I had a really hard time functioning.

 

nothing good will come from you taking the ambien. it is never supposed to be taken long term. going without it will cause withdrawals at first - get past that uncomfortable part... maybe take gaba calm instead... and teach your body to rest after you exhaust yourself from exercising all day long. the body will rest when it's tired... so get it good and tired.

[sally4sara]

OP, have you had any blood work done recently and if you have - was your blood calcium levels higher than 9.0? Do you get kidney stones?

 

This is a serious question.

[Sassygirl2]

I did have blood work 3 months ago. No my calcium levels were "normal" and I have not had a kidney stone before. Thanks for asking!