Is it pathetic & immature to tell my ex how much she has hurt me?

[Mister_Lonely]

I was doing ok & getting on with things then last night my ex gf rang. We had a half an hour chat & at the end I asked how her & her new friend were, I don't know why I asked & she replied ok & they are taking it as each day passes. I then asked how could she just jump into another relationship & she said she hasn't. I don't know why I still want the girl who cheated on me, lied to me & now with the guy she cheated on me with. I want to tell her how much she has hurt me & what she has threw away but would this just make me come off as weird & jealous?

[TaraMaiden]

Why did you even pick up and talk to her?

 

Nothing good ever comes of it...

[Mister_Lonely]

I don't know, felt a good idea at the time but now it has made me feel rubbish all day. Definitely a step back. I just want her to know what she has done to me & how she has crippled me.

[Eddie Edirol]

Now that shes moved on, she doesnt care if youre hurt. She lied and cheated on you on purpose, so yes. if you tell her all that it will look pathetic.

 

And stop picking up the phone when she calls! Dont let be able to talk to you after she cheated on you and is rubbing the new guy in your face. She can only do that if you let her.

[TaraMaiden]

She knows.

That's partially why she rang you.

Guilt.

That and "If I'm nice to him now, it will make me feel - and look - better."

 

It's an easing of her conscience.

She didn't ring you to make you feel better.

She rang you to make herself feel better, because she knows she created a cluster-phukk.

 

She threw you a few breadcrumbs, but as you found out, it's all a pile of crud.

 

You must go NC.

Read the link in my signature. (By Caliguy).

It's written by a guy who actually worked with his GF, and implemented all of everything he advises.

It worked.

In the end, it was she tearing her hair out, desperate for a reaction, which he never gave her.....

 

Cut her out of your life completely, A - Z top to bottom right across the whole scale.

And cut yourself out of her life.

never respond, never reply, never react.

 

And never, but never gove her the satisfaction of thinking she can do this any time she likes.

Just fall off the radar now, no warning, no advising, no last words.

 

Just move on.

[PelicanPete]

I told my ex everything for closure. I didn't really care what she thought, it was better than me bottling it up and always resenting her. After all, I am the one that has to deal with myself, not her.

 

I told her what hurt me and my emotions towards her actions. Does that make me weak? I guess it's debatable. I don't regret it though. It released a lot of internal negativity towards her, and I feel a lot better about it. It is a way of forgiveness, forgiving someone isn't about saying that what they did was ok, it is a way of moving on and dealing with it.

 

Do what feels right to you, we aren't the ones dealing with your thoughts. If it will help give you closure, write her a big email like I did and say your goodbyes. When it's all out you'll feel a lot better.

 

PS - Don't answer the phone next time

Edited April 17, 2011 by PelicanPete

[Mister_Lonely]

I know I need to move on. Easier said than done but she isn't doing me any good at the minute so NC it is. Hopefully she won't be with this guy for too long so don't want her coming back to me to mess with my head. I was doing ok till she spoke to me & discussed what she has been doing & future plans, I don't want to know but I think she wants us to remain friends which I can't do.

[Hopeless Girl]

what a bytch... taking it as each day passes... can i hit her?! seriously.. u dont ask ever for them, u dont answer the phone, dont speak to her , seriously whats wrong with her ..

[TaraMaiden]

Read the link.

 

Really.

 

Then follow it 100%.

 

100% of the time.

 

you know it makes sense.

[Mister_Lonely]

It does make sense & I shall follow!! Thanks

 

And Hopeless Girl, please hit her & knock some sense into her

[betterdeal]

You sound upset by the conversation. Maybe the conversation itself and not just the content of it upset you?

 

I wrote letters to my ex, detailing what I considered to be the main things that hurt me and sent it. There were other things that kept cropping up after that. I carried on writing these things down in a reportage style, with some analysis and emotional expression, but didn't send it to her.

 

Eventually, I changed my mobile number (after several false dawn / upsetting meetings / calls over the course of a year). About six weeks after I did that, I had one of my wobbly moments, a time when I would have reached for a bottle or a baguette previously. But I felt strong and safe enough to ride this one out. I sat down in my lounge, with house-mates away and just *felt* the feelings. There were few words, a bit more images, but overall a while load of feeling pouring out.

 

It was almost overwhelming at times, but it gave me the same sense of satisfaction and release as you get when you go for a pee after holding it in for too long, if you see what I mean?

 

From then on, I've become much more adept at accepting the feelings and letting them out. And they've dissipated as a result of being felt. The less I judged them, the less I rationalised, the sense I tried to make of the past, the clearer it became. I needed to feel these feelings. To let the subconscious be in charge, to come to the surface, to make itself heard.

 

I still use writing as a way to express feelings, especially negative ones that are attached to the past. Indeed, I have use these fora to do just that (see my thread entitled The Hate).

 

It's okay to feel whatever you feel. That's what makes you real. How you use your conscious mind to help your subconscious mind be free to feel is part of becoming more you and perhaps the greatest thing you can gain from a difficult relationship.

 

So write to your ex if you think that will help your recovery. Or change your phone number and do what I did. In fact, do what you want to do. What works for me may not work for you, but I'm pretty sure that when you find a way to author your own happiness, you'll look back at this time as a growth period in your life and be more you.

 

Keep on keeping on.

Edited April 17, 2011 by betterdeal

[Mister_Lonely]

Thanks. I know I need to go NC & move on like she has. I even asked if she has any feelings for me and she replied yes as a friend, which hurt. I shouldn't waste my energy of someone who hurt me & moved on so quick. I keep saying to myself I never want to get back with her but I know if she asked I would. I have been out every week for the past 2 months to have fun with friends & move on but no girls even look in my direction. I don't want a new gf but some female attention would be nice, maybe they can sense a broken heart.

[PelicanPete]

Thanks. I know I need to go NC & move on like she has. I even asked if she has any feelings for me and she replied yes as a friend, which hurt. I shouldn't waste my energy of someone who hurt me & moved on so quick. I keep saying to myself I never want to get back with her but I know if she asked I would. I have been out every week for the past 2 months to have fun with friends & move on but no girls even look in my direction. I don't want a new gf but some female attention would be nice, maybe they can sense a broken heart.

 

Female attention is a good boost, but it's not the answer. The answer to your broken heart is yourself. If you look for something or someone else to fix it you will never grow, you will never be happy. You will be chasing a wheel of desire that never fully satisfies.

 

We can't fix your broken heart, but we can give you directions and hopefully you'll find the way if you really try. You are the key to your own happiness. If friends and girls aren't helping your situation, maybe you should just be reclusive for awhile and really figure out your emotions.

 

You can start off with the question "Why do I still want to be with my ex?"

[Hopeless Girl]

Be an "ashole" but not like a real ashole like dont take **** from any girl is what Im saying .. and yea focus on u

[Fufu]

This is why NC is so crucial for emotional healing.

 

Well, before I went into NC, I actually scolded my ex bf for being an As*, (Okay please don't do this)..

 

And I felt more like crap after that.

[betterdeal]

Think of it like this: you've been in a knife fight with someone and you're now both in A&E, waiting to get treated. You can wait quietly, concerned about getting your wounds healed, or you can kick off and have a little melodrama in the waiting room. Which, do you think, is going to be the best course of action?

[9Lives]

I say get it out to her. You walking around feeling all frustrated and texic inside while she is feeling like everything is okay. Just understand that it wont change her mind. She might think oh well but later on she will think about it differently.

 

If you do, then leave it completely alone. Let that be the beginning of the healing process and start the ride from there. It is going to be ups and downs emotionally but its okay. Just realize that there is no hope and you are never going to be together.

[radiodarcy]

it's not pathetic. it's normal. but as many people have already cautioned: be prepared that you most likely won't get the reaction you were hoping for. as someone who has written countless e-mails to an ex i know this too well. i would take betterdeal's advice and write her an e-mail but don't send it. this way you can get everything you need to say out without breaking NC or being hurt even worse.

[Sweet_T]

Im on day 7 of NC and it is KILLING ME! But I think it really does help...But you really have to take the time to evaluate your own situation, the things you have going on with you and the foundation of the relationship itself. I mean is is REALLY WORTH IT?!?!??! You have to look at the the BIG picture and not just for something to pacify what you're going through at the moment. It's hard! Trust me...I know, but if it wasn't worth it to them this time, what will stop them from doing it again?

[Mister_Lonely]

Think I am just going to go NC and stick to it. She owes me money & keeps saying she will pay but keeps lying & making excuses, she even said a relative died to get me to stop asking her. I know she isn't good for me but don't like being replaced so easily & left with a broken heart whilst she has moved on with an ugly loser. I am bitter she is with him as it feels like she cheated on me with him then left me for him, if it was anyone it would be easier. She said she didn't want a bf yet she now has one & with him, salt in the wound. I'll be the bigger person & just walk away although she was my true love in every way expect my moods & harsh tongue pushed her away so I blame myself.

[PelicanPete]

Think I am just going to go NC and stick to it. She owes me money & keeps saying she will pay but keeps lying & making excuses, she even said a relative died to get me to stop asking her. I know she isn't good for me but don't like being replaced so easily & left with a broken heart whilst she has moved on with an ugly loser. I am bitter she is with him as it feels like she cheated on me with him then left me for him, if it was anyone it would be easier. She said she didn't want a bf yet she now has one & with him, salt in the wound. I'll be the bigger person & just walk away although she was my true love in every way expect my moods & harsh tongue pushed her away so I blame myself.

 

 

Don't blame yourself for her leaving you for someone else, another thing is don't compare yourself to her new boyfriend. I dealt with basically the exact same scenario except she cheated first. She's busy saying she wants to be single for awhile and "find herself" while she was with the fat ugly low life two days later.

 

It was rough, and then all of the lies she told me hurt just as much. I know I influenced her choice in leaving me, but in the end it was her that made that choice. She chose to cheat and leave me rather than properly talk about things, and for that I'm happy it happened sooner than later.

 

I now don't see the new boyfriend as a comparison to me, I see him now as a reflection of her confidence.

[Mister_Lonely]

Yeah but it hurts to know she has ditched me for a horrible scumbag with no job, a kid, no education, tattoos & piercings everywhere & ugly as hell when I am so much better. I ain't the nicest person but I work full time , have a degree, told I am good looking, interesting, likes to do stuff yet she chooses this reprobate over me. Women's minds work in mysterious ways, I will never understand it, does she want to be with this freak the rest of her life? Bizarre!

[TaraMaiden]

That's not your concern.

What you have to accept is that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

Oh and - bear this in mind....You couldn't have possibly pushed her away - if she didn't want to be pushed....

 

 

You need to drop this, and move on.

[PelicanPete]

Oh and - bear this in mind....You couldn't have possibly pushed her away - if she didn't want to be pushed....

 

 

My point exactly.

 

Let her frolick around with jailbait. Start contemplating the things you have control over, like who you are now and your faults to make you a better person.