Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

[cowber]

Hello there internet folk, I apologize for the length of this thread but I do need some help and have nobody to talk to.

 

As of yesterday ended it with my girlfriend of 3 and a half years. It was mutual but now she is wanting back together and is upset with me that I wont get back together, because 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"...

 

It started off as a NSA fling but we were exclusive, then fell in love with each other. I was 20, having family problems at the time and considering I was spending every night there, we both decided it was best if I moved in and started paying rent after 3 months of being together.

 

Right off the bat we started having problems and her sex drive went down gradually until it was only once every 2 weeks then a month. This had been an issue that I would try to talk about but she would ignore and over time I began to just accept how it was because i loved her, even though she has had almost if not twice as many partners as myself and I felt if she 'had sex with all of these guys, why cant she sleep with her boyfriend?'

 

we had a few times where we almost broke up, but stuck through it and stayed together through all of it and I helped her pull her life together and it quickly grew into a co dependent relationship.

 

Im in pretty good shape and eat unhealthy at times and influenced her to do the same. She would hardly eat and I would feel guilty and bring her fast food (never taught how to cook anything) and pop. She also used to be addicted to cocaine, so when she was out partying and would do cocaine, I would get pissed off at her and we would argue about it a lot - she said I was trying to control her... I tamed her a lot, she was quite wild at first, as was I. She put on 60 pounds, lost her self esteem and sex went downhill.

 

I tried to help her with meal plans/dieting, started going to the gym with her, and tried to support her as much as I could and she wouldn't stick with it.

 

Eventually she disconnected from her friends who were a bunch of drug abusers and more of associates with friends, and my friends did not like her very much, so I ended up disconnecting from my friends and not listening to them. It was 'us against the world' so to speak.

 

Eventually the absence of sex in our relationship grew on me and we are not very compatible.. We would have sex once every month and seeing as I am horny constantly and through ally enjoy sex, it became a huge issue which in time destroyed my self esteem. It is not a physical thing, I am in martial arts and work out, I am in the best shape of my life and have not let my appearance slip outside of not tanning in a tanning bed anymore.

 

she is OCD and wants the house spotless all the time, while although I do like to clean, will take a day or so to get around to it - something that caused a lot of trouble.

 

We almost broke up once because I continued to leave the shower puff on the bottom of the tub continually, as was routine to me.

 

Her grandmother passed away and she began talking to an ex boyfriend of hers on MSN, which I was jealous of but didn't take action as I had jealousy issues before as before she was still friends with a lot of the guys she had slept with and hung out with them - which really made me upset as I would never do the same thing. She called it jealousy.. I didnt think it was, but accepted it as being jealous as ive never been in that situation before.

 

Then i read her live journal and she put an entry in about how she missed him and wished they were together - something that sparked a big fight and took two weeks to repair, i still didnt leave her as she said it was just the stress from her grandmother dieing and she is really messed up now.

 

It seemed like every time we got into an argument we would soon adopt another animal and we would grow closer together. Eventually shortly after our two year mark we broke up because she was being very grouchy with me for no reason and we would fight over the smallest things. That mixed with no sex...

-----------------------------

 

It was really hard on both of us although it was mutual and she began being a b*itch for no reason and I had to move out. She also would brag about guys picking her up and her getting their phone numbers in an attempt to hurt me. I think it did subconsciously, as I went out and slept with two girls while we were separated. Whenever we did hang out as friends, she would always hold my hand on the couch and get mad when I would pull away.

 

The girls I was sleeping with were not the brightest and I realized sex was 'not everything' even though it was very good - the support I had were the old friends that I had discarded before, and the alpha of the group who everyone seems to ride the coat tails of decided to start going back to an ex of his that had a fling with me, things became awkward and they soon stopped talking to me.

 

She sent me emails talking about how she is going to change and how much she misses me, how she ruined the best thing of her life and wants me back. She is willing to work on everything etc etc... then it came into how she is going to kill herself if we dont get back together. I ended up hanging out with her more as she got a new cat that I loved, and eventually we got back together, although I did not tell her of the other girls and have felt guilty about it almost every day since then.

 

I moved out , but we were in the same apartment building and I moved downstairs. Things were going decent.. the sex picked up a bit at first but slowly drained away into nothing again.. nothing changed, she continued to put on weight and not exercise, although she made several one week attempts at eating better/exercising.

 

A huge problem (and also why I thought our sex was gone) was because she hated her job and it really depressed her. She would cry almost every day at her job because she hated it and her grief over the job would come home with her and i would have to be there for her.

 

After six months and both of us being in debt because of high rent to live alone, we decided to move back in together but 'not make the same mistakes' so she could find another job and move on in her life.

 

Against my wishes she quit her job without having a new one, and didnt find a new one for six months. I had to fit the bill and maxed out a credit card to support us. In that six months she now owes me 4000 which she has yet to pay any back after almost a year of working, but the job she has does not pay her very much - but she enjoys being there.

 

We tried to work on sex and getting her to lose weight, but we both became recluses, smoking marijuana all day every day and never engaging in sex, although we were super close. she just 'wasnt in the mood'. She admitted to me that she no longer feels sexy due to her weight and sometimes cant even bring herself to be turned on by herself. Although she did admit to me that she uses her dildo sometimes to 'get it over with and go to bed'.

 

Over the last two years I found that if I was super frustrated with her and the lack of sex in our relationship, I could just smoke marijuana and feel better and we could relax so that 'time could pass and things will eventually get better' - it came to the point where i was smoking in the morning, right when i got home, before martial arts, after martial arts, before bed. Every day.

 

 

The entire time we had been going out after six months I had to practically beg her for anything sexual. I realize this is quite boring, but this only came after months of trying multiple approaches and doing things that I believed would make me look more attractive in her mind. We are very close and have a level of intimacy ive never had before, but she just does not get turned on by me anymore.

 

After the 25th talk about this problem just last month she eventually told me that although she finds me physically attractive, she does not find me mentally attractive. This came as a huge blow to my ego and saying that we are 'co dependent'.

 

A lot of talks we would have about sex would lead to her saying that there is no spark with us anymore and that we just feel like super close room mates.

 

I googled co dependency, read as much as I could, and was woken up. I realized the faults in our relationship and that they are never going to change and unhealthy it is to change. We had a talk about it and decided we were going to give it one last go, she was going to change for sure and if theres nothing left for us in 2 months we would split.

 

over time we continued to get into fights and I decided to change my life for the better.. ive stopped smoking (maybe only once now if I cant sleep) and I began working out again and taking my martial arts more seriously. I am in the process of trying to reuinte with old friends and better myself.

 

She began branching out as well and just this monday started exercising and said that she is committed to eating better because 'this is it'

 

we had some more problems because i told her i didnt want to get close because I dont have much faith in reading online websites that we will get back together/this relationship is unhealthy and we need to let go. We agreed after a lot of tears to give it another try.. I always eventually break, especially when she is crying.

 

The next day we got into two arguments (the main one because I left the bread out when i was doing chores, I was eventually going to come back and put it away but she did it for me and got pissed) and the next day we were emailing eachother and she said sorry. I told her yeah its ok its not a big deal... and she went off on me, saying it was a big deal and I never change and im 'sloppy' and that my sloppiness is 'something she will have to consider when the "3 months" is up'

 

I told her that something like this is completely irrelevant in our rleationship and similar to how she almost broke up with me because of the shower puff being left on the bottom of the tub, and that our sexual compatibility is something that needs our focus, and something I will be 'focusing on when the "3 months" is up"

 

Over the course of the next few emails, she admitted that we are not right for eachother and need to seperate.. I agreed. We got home last night, made our last supper together as a couple, and told her that I think we need to let go... she agreed and I cried my eyes out. She said that she had spent all day crying, was high and couldnt feel anything.. after an hour of crying I was all done and we continued to watch tv together, her holding my hand.

 

we went to bed and I cried more, thinking about how I will never be able to kiss her again and how much i cared for her... it took me a few hours to fall asleep.

 

 

today came.

she wants back and says she is going to change and that we can work things out and doesnt want to lose me. she even went as far as saying that i obviously dont love her that much if I dont want to work on things. she called her mom and is super upset and now wants to go to couples counseling (something I had suggested for the past 2 years that she never wanted to do)

 

it seems like she only wants to change when she has lost me and it is a complete mind f*ck to me.

 

I am 24 and she is 23.

 

Any words of advice? How do I stay strong? Your opinion on the relationship? Anything you can comment on would be of great help to me.

[takemedrunkimhome]

man, this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship at all. you two argue way too much and have broken up then got back together mulitple times, all in which never worked out. what makes you think it'll work out this time? i think what is healthy for the both of you is to move on, without eachother. you'll be okay.

Edited March 24, 2011 by takemedrunkimhome

[cowber]

man, this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship at all. you two argue way too much and have broken up then got back together mulitple times, all in which never worked out. what makes you think it'll work out this time? did you ever think maybe you feel sorry for her that's why you keep going back?

 

Yes... I carry a lot of guilt around and she has manipulated me into feeling responsible for her position in life. I dont think it will work this time as in my opinion if its not working after expressing my needs for years that it is not going to get better... but I have a few psychological issues I think which leads me to crack and be drawn back to her.. I was one of those people who the girls never liked until after high school / 'got hot after highschool' (which has i imagine made me very insecure deep down) and I think the lack of love in my life and the desire to please has me wanting to be with someone that I feel appreciates me (or at least vocalizes it in the right way).. she was one of the first people that Ive never felt second best around...

 

we are also best friends and enjoy being together... through out my whole life ive had all of my best friends either move away or screw me over.

 

but we both agreed that our lives are boring, at a stand still and we are unable to grow together...

 

I know I have to be strong and reject her, it is messing with my head to go from mutually agreeing to end the relationship to the next day telling me I dont love her enough if I wont work it out with her..

 

I dont believe we will ever be sexually compatible, and I wont marry someone and live the rest of my life sexually frustrated... that is the real deal breaker for me and I am glad that I am sticking to it instead of folding and believing that sex is not important.

 

either way, i still care about her and I wish it was only me that was hurting.. I feel like I can persevere no matter what the pain is and pull myself out.. I'm not too confident that she can.

Edited March 24, 2011 by cowber

[takemedrunkimhome]

it's good that you've realized this, hopefully she will too. in the end, im sure she'll be okay, it might take her longer though.

 

just make sure this time it's done, if you keep going back.. that can't be good for her either.

[spice4life]

Oy, you just have to make a clean break and not look back. One of these times you will do it and follow through. The flip flopping is normal and it usually takes about two years from the point where you say enough is enough. It sounds like you are getting there. Try to stay strong and think about what it is that you want in life. No one has to stay in a relationship where they are suffering.