Jump to content

Stay friends after breakup, too hard


Recommended Posts

Well, it's been about 6 months since I broke up with my GF of 3 years. During those 6 months we've tried being just friends and it's not working out too well for me. We continue to be very touchy, we hug alot, we kiss (although we don't makeout), and occasionally hold hands but there's no sex and it's killing me. I keep asking myself how much longer am I going to put myself through this? The other day we had a talk and she confessed to me that she had slept with another guy since our breakup but that she's no longer seeing him. That was hard to listen too. Now I really don't trust her but I don't feel like there's another guy in the picture because she always wants to hang out with me. She calls me as soon as she wakes up and wants to go on walks and bike rides. I'm so confused at this point. Why the hell can't she just make me happier by just have some intimate sex after the day is done? If you want to be just friends with me then act like a friend. I've tried to break it off with her twice saying that I needed some space to dissolve all my feelings for her but after a few days she ends up calling me and I usually give in! I hate that about myself. i don't have the power in me to cut her off and go NC.

 

Today she wanted to take a drive up a mountain so we did. We got to the top and watched the city lights below. I thought to myself what a perfect opportunity to kiss for a while but me not being the pushy one waited to see if she would initiate. A couple of quick kisses here and there but nothing else. As we left I felt like crap thinking to myself why the hell I was still hanging out with her when all I feel is frustrated! She's a very very attractive girl, a professional model, when I look at her it still melts me after 3 years, I think that makes it more difficult for me too. Here's the beautiful girl in front of me that I use to have sex 5 times a day with and now all I can do is look at her and wish that I could get some....How pathetic I am!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your title says all you need it to say.

 

Going NC for at least 8 weeks - and I really do mean, TOTAL NC - is the only way to get a clear head, and see your way through this muddle.

 

you need to erase her off your planet, like she never existed, and shift your focus.

your radar shouldn't even be registering her as a persona grata.

 

Trying to be friends with someone who still fills your heart, mind and soul 24/7 is pointless.

She doesn't feel the same way, so add rejection, heartache and dismissal to the mix and you pretty much have all the ingredients you need for an emotional 'semtex' belt.

 

You need to really not strap that round your middle, any more.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author

Two weeks ago I finally gave in and told her not to call me anymore. She had taken me out to dinner (she paid) but after the dinner she was tired and wanted to go home and I still wanted to hang out with her and maybe go get a few drinks. Because she didn't want to I felt a feeling of rejection and i snapped. I told her that I didn't want to continue feeling this way around her and that I wanted to just be myself again. She listened and she even deleted my number off of her phone in front of me. Not that she didn't have it memorized.

 

Well, fast forward two weeks. Its raining everyday here in California and for some reason that gave me a comfort. I wasn't picturing her out enjoying the sunshine. Then, just today, our first sunny day, I thought about her... So much, that I broke down and emailed her. Here's the exchange..

 

 

Hey xxxx,

 

How are you? It's been almost 2 weeks since we last talked. It feels weird not hearing your voice, it's sad but at the same time I know that we have to go through this for it to come out positive on the other end. I feel bad for over acting after our dinner. At that time I decided it was better for us to take a break from each other. I didn't want to act like that around you anymore. I wasn't being my happy self.

 

You're still here in my heart, you will always be. I hope to one day give you a great big hug again. I hope all is well with you.

 

 

Love,

 

xxxx

 

 

 

And her response:

 

 

Wow! I've been thinking about you, Especially today! And I was sad because I wanted to reach out to you. So, it makes me smile to receive your email. It is what it is xxxx. Do what you have to do. I miss you and wish we could communicate but I understand that it us not what you want at this time. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

 

 

 

I feel bad now that I've reset the NC clock. At the same time I wanted to let her know that I was still thinking about her and that I want us to communicate again one day. Is that a bad thing? I miss her soo much! This is very hard.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can't begin the process of healing by remaining friends with your ex, it just won't work.

 

You have to push through those days where you want to reach out and make contact.

 

When you reach out, you get a very small and limited amount of comfort from the exchange- but it only lasts a short time and you're bound to feel worse after. Everytime you break no contact, you interrupt your healing process and catapult yourself back to square one.

 

You just have to push through the bad days, take it one day at a time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You can't begin the process of healing by remaining friends with your ex, it just won't work.

 

You have to push through those days where you want to reach out and make contact.

 

When you reach out, you get a very small and limited amount of comfort from the exchange- but it only lasts a short time and you're bound to feel worse after. Everytime you break no contact, you interrupt your healing process and catapult yourself back to square one.

 

You just have to push through the bad days, take it one day at a time.

 

Thanks for your response. You are absolutely right. Today was one of the hard days that I should have tried pushing through. Given the fact that I sat home all day and did nothing, it made my mind think about her. It doesn't help that I don't work full time and I have alot of downtime. It also doesn't help that since I'm a photographer and she's a model, that my computer has tens of thousands of pictures of her that we created over the years together. I just don't know where to find the strength to sit there and remove them all. She's even on my business cards. ARGH....

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for your response. You are absolutely right. Today was one of the hard days that I should have tried pushing through. Given the fact that I sat home all day and did nothing, it made my mind think about her. It doesn't help that I don't work full time and I have alot of downtime. It also doesn't help that since I'm a photographer and she's a model, that my computer has tens of thousands of pictures of her that we created over the years together. I just don't know where to find the strength to sit there and remove them all. She's even on my business cards. ARGH....

 

Getting busy is the best thing you could do for yourself right now. Immerse yourself in a new project, hit the pavement and seek more work, anything to keep your mind off of the break up.

 

It doesn't mean you shouldn't deal with the break up- but when you're not busy it's apt to consume you.

 

Make a project out of changing yoru business cards!

Link to post
Share on other sites
kingofhearts

Wow. I think my Ex is trying to throw me in this zone too. No way am I goin there either. I love her and consider her a best friend as well, but I'm not goin to be her gf. lol. NC, pimp. My Ex models too and she's cute. I'm not goo goo ga ga over it and never will be because I look good too. <just bein honest. lol. Na seriously.

 

You gotta grab them bizalls man and man up.

 

P.S. Were you shooting her for free? That could be the reason for the stalemate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Saw your post on my thread and think we definitely both know that as we're still in love with both our ex's, there's really no way we can stay friends. I really wanted to, but everytime I see her or speak to her, I just want her so much. Had to say goodbye and delete everything of her.

 

Overtime, when the feelings have gone, maybe try the friendship route again, but be aware that feelings can come back quite easily.

 

Oh and just to add something wierd into the mix, my ex also models...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Your title says all you need it to say.

 

Going NC for at least 8 weeks - and I really do mean, TOTAL NC - is the only way to get a clear head, and see your way through this muddle.

 

you need to erase her off your planet, like she never existed, and shift your focus.

your radar shouldn't even be registering her as a persona grata.

 

Trying to be friends with someone who still fills your heart, mind and soul 24/7 is pointless.

She doesn't feel the same way, so add rejection, heartache and dismissal to the mix and you pretty much have all the ingredients you need for an emotional 'semtex' belt.

 

You need to really not strap that round your middle, any more.

 

Best advice you could wish for! I would not apologise to her, she did it to you. She brought out that behavious in you. The world is like a mirror - she exibited a behaviour in hanging out with you knowing how you felt and the world mirrored a response back to her. She should be grateful for what you said as now she knows how the world will respond to that action.

 

Stay strong, read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271157/

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Damnit, why is it so hard to stay NC? So after I emailed her a couple of days ago, last night, I walked into the Salon and there she was, waiting to get her haircut with my friend from the salon. I wasn't sure what to do but I said hello and gave her a hug. She felt very uncomfortable and had the look on her face like she thought I knew she was going to be there. I said that's crazy. Then she said why are you hugging me when you don't really mean it. Whatever. That caused a emotional discussion and she became very teary eyed and I didn't want that so I said bye. About an hour later, she shows up at the bar down the street with my friend and his girlfriend. Again we talk for a bit, I end up giving her a ride home.

 

Once I got her home we continued to talk. She was calling me selfish because I abandoned out friendship. I ran away from her, she doesn't trust me. Seriously?! She's the one that left me for someone else (now she's not with this guy, it was a LD relationship), and at the same time she wanted to maintain a friendship with me, well, I tried for months and it was driving me crazy so I did what I had to do and told her not to call me. Well, that lasted 8 days before I reached out. ARGH....

 

Today I feel kinda crappy again, seems like I have to start all over. I'm going to try my best not to contact her again but I feel if she contacts me Im going to go back to her. I think I'm obsessed with her. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel your pain. My ex and I broke up in November after a four year on/off relationship (we lived together two years and were engaged, too). It is EXTREMELY hard. I went for a couple months - late December and January - feeling like we made a good decision and not wanting to talk to him or anything. But then last week was a very trying, stressful week and I reached out to talk to him. He was supportive and kind as usual which made me really miss him.

 

Now this week we've talked numerous times, and I just know it's going to hurt when we realize we have to stop talking again. He has sorta been seeing someone, while I'm just focusing on bettering myself and being single for awhile. But we are NOT just friends - we both still have feelings for each other. And he has been dating another girl, and I know she is pissed that he still talks to me and cares about me.

 

It just doesn't work - the sooner you accept that, the better. It will not be easy for you or for me, but I think we gotta just do it. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I feel your pain. My ex and I broke up in November after a four year on/off relationship (we lived together two years and were engaged, too). It is EXTREMELY hard. I went for a couple months - late December and January - feeling like we made a good decision and not wanting to talk to him or anything. But then last week was a very trying, stressful week and I reached out to talk to him. He was supportive and kind as usual which made me really miss him.

 

Now this week we've talked numerous times, and I just know it's going to hurt when we realize we have to stop talking again. He has sorta been seeing someone, while I'm just focusing on bettering myself and being single for awhile. But we are NOT just friends - we both still have feelings for each other. And he has been dating another girl, and I know she is pissed that he still talks to me and cares about me.

 

It just doesn't work - the sooner you accept that, the better. It will not be easy for you or for me, but I think we gotta just do it. :(

 

I hear you Stace, why is it so hard? It seems like some people commit to it and even though they says it hurts, they continue the NC and don't give. I for some reason start it, then when it hurts too much I give in! It's comforting to talk to her when I do, as long as she doesn't text in the process because then I get irritated wondering who's she's texting. But in all honesty, when we are together ad talking as friends, it never feels right. I never feel like myself and anything that she does with her phone makes me uneasy. It could be her mom or sister calling but my mind always thinks it's someone else. It really sucks feeling this way and that's why I know that we can't be friends until I get over my feelings for her.

 

I also find it amazing that I still have this feeling for her since most of our relationship was mentally abusive. I was the normal one in the relationship and she was the wild one. She was a dancer at a bikini bar when I met her, to a bartender/alcoholic, to having no job, to being a model with Ford Models.

 

Most of the 3 years together we barely worked and just lived the rockstar life but it was painful with thoughts of distrust and lack of respect. I mean if she was a good girl and nice to me I'd understand why I'd want her back so that fact that she wasn't just boggles my mind.

 

It seems that we are attracted in some way to pain, hurt and drama.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you have to really examine yourself in this process. I look back on my four year relationship and am really sad, because I didn't have the self-esteem or discipline to stand up for myself when my ex clearly treated me poorly. Not abusive or anything, but some of the things he said and did just make me go "really?"

 

I do better with this now that I am a little older. I try to focus on my job, exercise and healthy eating. I spend a lot of time with my dog and try to talk to my family more. I have a hard time right now because I moved to a new place six months ago and don't have a real good group of friends yet. So it is easy to start thinking "Well maybe we could be just friends and then I'd have someone to hang out with on the weekends." But I am the same as you - it hurts me to think about him dating someone else and to always wonder what he is doing or who he is talking to.

 

Just gotta take it one day at a time I guess. Like recovering addicts. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

NC is very hard. It's a decision and one that you have to be certain that you can stick by. It's a choice. A choice as to whether you want to move on and heal or remain stuck in a situation that just keeps you wounded.

 

Most times I believe, at least for me, I had to get to a point where the hurt of being around my ex was far more painful than the discomfort and anxiety of NC. The pain you go through with NC is temporary. The pain you endure when you are in a position like yourself is never ending.

 

You start NC and then you give in because you can't stand the discomfort. She's your drug. So, you break NC and you go back to her because being with her comforts you. But, she is NOT your source of comfort. She IS your source of pain. She is a temporary fix. You are comforting yourself with what causes you pain. That's like treating a burn wound with fire.

 

If you keep going back to her to salve your discomfort when trying NC, then you will always be back at square one, for as long as you chose to repeat the cycle. You choose to be wounded or healed.

 

And when you NC, it's about you. It's not about her perceptions of what NC is and how it affects her. It's not about her needs versus your need for it. It's not about winning her back. It's about YOU and your determination to put yourself first, your mental and emotional health first and your need to one day be rid of emotional pain. It's a journey towards healing. A painful one at that but the gain in time, is far more rewarding that what you are going through now.

 

You have to be ready to quit her to stick to NC. And sometimes you may not be ready to quit someone, and you keep failing at NC. But when you fall, you don't stay fallen, you get up and start all over again. You may suceed at your first try or succeed after your 20th. Either way, it will get you to a better place. It's all up to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As long as you keep the lines of communication open you will never heal or have closure. You will always be clinging onto hope that she will "see the light" one day, but it never ever works that way in real life.

 

Basically, you have become "the girlfriend" she hangs out with except that you're paying for everything while she's having fun and is emotionally unavailable for you. In her email, she sounds empathetic but there is no sign of her wanting to get back together.

 

My ex kept telling me the same thing. "Even if things didn't work out I would still want you in my life as a friend", to which I would always reply "Sweetie, if things don't work out you will never see me again". She would get pissed and say "So you wouldn't want to be my friend?" I would say "No, I'm not looking for a friend". She would reply "So it's all or nothing with you?". And I would end it with "Yes, with me its all or nothing".

 

I made that perfectly clear from the get go that there will be no friendship if we split up and I held true to my word. There is no friendship or any type of communication. I don't want to hear about her, how she's doing, who she's dating, nothing. And neither am I giving out any information as to what's going on in my life to any of our common friends. I have basically dropped off the face of the earth and that's what I want.

 

I will never relegate myself to the title of "friend". To me, that's demeaning. If my exes want male friends, they can go look for gay guys they can go shopping with.

 

My advice to you is, to stop acting like an addict towards her and just delete her number and email. Start filling your day with things to do and move on. All you're doing is torturing yourself. It's never going to end, unless you stop it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@geegirl: that was a really good post and very good description of way you just sometimes want to break NC - to relies the discomfort. But at the end it's better to stick to NC as it will help you to heal and ensure that you don't get hurt anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Little Bee. Had to learn the hard way. Everytime I wanted to break NC, I had to literally slap myself and think rationally. You have to make the head try to rule the heart.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

geegirl, that was a great post. Thank you. I know that everything that you have said is correct. My worry is that I will break down and contact her again. Where is my strength when I need it the most! This second round of no contact is definitely harder than the first. I can't stop thinking about her right now no matter what I do. I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Link to post
Share on other sites

IT's normal that you still think about her constantly but as long as you stick to NC it will get less.

If you break the NC you are back at the starting point. Give yourself time and you will see that the NC works and that you are going to think less often about her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
IT's normal that you still think about her constantly but as long as you stick to NC it will get less.

If you break the NC you are back at the starting point. Give yourself time and you will see that the NC works and that you are going to think less often about her.

 

Yeah, I'm going to try and hold out as long as I can. My goal is 2 weeks from today. At that point I'm going to see how I feel. If I still feel like **** then I might reach out to her. I'm not sure what I'll say, maybe I'll ask how she's feeling and if she misses me. If she gives me no hope at that point then I MUST move on for good. It would even help me if she told me that she was currently in a relationship but I don't think that she is.

 

I know that I'm still in her heart, she told me just a couple days ago that she loves me very much. She feels like I've abandoned the relationship and that hurts me because I didn't.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't believe you're ready to quit her. If what it takes to NC is for you to go back in two weeks for that one final try (if you mean that), then go. NC is never going to help you if you use it for reasons other than putting yourself and your healing first. Sometimes you have to get whacked on the head one last time before you learn. I had to get whacked before I learned. So, no amount of advising you to stay the course will help. Your mind is set on that one last hurrah.

 

Breaking NC will only get you right back to that same painful place you started at not so long ago.

 

I hope you find your answers.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I don't believe you're ready to quit her. If what it takes to NC is for you to go back in two weeks for that one final try (if you mean that), then go. NC is never going to help you if you use it for reasons other than putting yourself and your healing first. Sometimes you have to get whacked on the head one last time before you learn. I had to get whacked before I learned. So, no amount of advising you to stay the course will help. Your mind is set on that one last hurrah.

 

Breaking NC will only get you right back to that same painful place you started at not so long ago.

 

I hope you find your answers.

 

Wow, you always seem to say the right things and you make alot of sense. I may be ready, I just don't know it. When I think about contacting her again I start to think about what it's going to be like and that makes me not want to contact her. I believe in ignorance is bliss, It would be too hard for me to ask her what she did last weekend, and what she's been up to, I guess in fear that she might say something that I don't want to hear. Then why even try to contact her if I know we probably won't have a meaningful conversation?

 

I think what pains me the most is missing the bike rides and the walks we use to take together. This was being with her in the simplest form. I didn't need togo out to a club or a romantic dinner to be in complete happiness, I just needed to be with her. Maybe it's something deeper down inside like an obsession that I find it very difficult to shake. I still can't answer how this girl came into my life, turned it upside down, swept me off my feet, and won my heart. It still seems as if our 3 year relationship was just a fantasy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You said that you want this last reach out to her and that if there is no hope, then you will stick to NC. Ask yourself if she has shown you anything solid enough to make you think there is hope for things to change? If you have to sit and wait for two weeks to test the waters again, you're really just holding on to your denial and desperation that maybe, just maybe, some little bread crumb will save you from this pain and loss. If she was banging down your door, or at the very least, if you heard someone say she is feeling she made a big mistake and wants to reconcile, then I'd have hope for you. But she is not showing you anything that should make you think in 2 weeks there may be a chance. Why break NC for nothing?

 

You said that it would make it easier if you found out she was seeing someone. I thought the same thing about my ex. The day I found out, I felt like I was being gutted over and over again. I wished I would have left him alone and removed myself from knowing anything about him. It was bad enough to deal with the loss of him, but then to know and imagine him with someone else every minute of the day, was like slow death. Be careful what you wish for. I advise you, the less you know about her, the easier it is going to be for you to move on and the faster it is going to be to heal.

 

It's normal to remember all the wonderful things you had with your ex. Every single person that goes through a breakup, whether dumper or dumpee (granted more so for the dumpee), those memories are going to be hard to let go. You will obsess and yearn for it to all be as it was. You want the good times back again. You want them back so bad. But you can't give in to those feelings. It's normal to feel and want to experience all those memories with them again but if you are going to revert back because you want what was no matter the price, you are going to get hurt over and over again.

 

Don't try to resurrect the dead. When someone wants to walk away from you, let them go. They are walking away from you for a reason. Don't run after them. Don't beg them. Yes, maybe it is an addiction, an obsession or maybe it's just an attachment that just needs to slowly die off with the gift of NC. Call it what you want, the fact remains that you need to start looking out for your best interest instead of trying to keep poking at that sleeping dog.

 

I know what you mean about your R being a fantasy. I am coming out of a 2 year R and I don't even know what happened. I can keep analyzing it but it's gone. It's the past. It's perfectly normal to go through the R with a fine tooth comb, but at some point you will have to put it in the past and as you go through NC, you will be able to start rationalizing it when you put enough space between the two of you. You won't feel so emotional at every thought of the R in time. You will be able to cherish your good memories with fondness. You will be able to see the R for what it was, your part in it and hers. You will be able to apply lessons learned in that R in your next experience.

 

In two weeks, I hope you realize that all that work and effort you put into achieving those 14 days of putting YOU first, is not for naught. If you break it for a little crumb or for another hit or for for one last chance at hope, you will be back to where you started. It will hurt you when you don't get the response you want.

 

Imagine you are afraid of heights. And you have to climb this ladder to get over this wall. And if you don't climb over this wall, you will stay stuck in limbo land forever. So shakily, you start taking one step at a time. You tremble, you are scared, you feel you are going to fall but you hold on tight and you keep going and 10 steps up you see the edge of the wall appearing and you want to get there but you look down and suddenly you want the security of solid ground back again, so you waffle and you doubt and you start to lose your grip and you give up and you let yourself fall. You look at yourself on the floor and soon it dawns on you that you are stuck again sittng on the floor of limbo land. You now have to start all over again. There in no other choice. You're scared again of getting on that ladder. You struggle to get back on again. And you try slowly. And you go through all those bad feelings because you want to get to the other side. You barrel through because you know its the only way out.

Edited by geegirl
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@geegirl,

 

Two days ago, I broke NC again. I emailed her a picture of herself gazing out a window as if she was watching rainfall. Before I sent it to her I stared at it for over 10 minutes and just thought about how I just wanted us to be together. In the email I told her that I missed her gaze, her face, and her... Once I sent it, she replied a few minutes later telling me that she was thinking about me and the girls all day (my daughters). She said that the beach was really sunny and warm and said that I should take them to the beach.

 

I responded to the email telling her that I would really like it if she came along with us to the beach once the weather warmed up. She replied that she would really like that. I was looking forward to planning this about a month from now and I wasn't planning on contacting her often, I just felt that I would feel somewhat relieved that I wasn't in a NC state. My thought was that as long as i knew I could pick up the phone and it wouldn't be a surprise to her then everything was OK, I guess I was just justifying. Well, the next morning I get a text from her inviting me and my girls (I have them every other weekend) to go shopping with her. I said OK, and we spent a great day hanging out. My daughters love her very much and she loves them so much too. She always gives them clothes and hugs and kisses them all the time. I sometimes get emotional watching them interact. It makes me feel that one day she will be an amazing mom.

 

After the great day together she asked if I wanted to go to San Francisco tomorrow. She has commercial photo shoot but wants to hang out afterwards. I said yes to that too. Since then she's called me about 5 times today just to say hi.

 

Right now Im feeling a temporary state of relief I guess. I don't feel that numbness or knot in my stomach. I'm actually feeling pretty good.

 

Now I know it in my head that we probably wouldn't work out if we got back together unless she made some sacrifices and changes. At this point I'm not sure she's ready to be in a relationship. If I could only rid these feelings I know that we would be best friends. I' not sure what I want from her right now, yes, friends with benefits would be the ultimate thing for me right now but it doesn't sound like it's on her agenda at the moment. She is very concentrated on her modeling and moving into a new place as soon as she saves up enough money.

 

I'm feeling that I'm not really ready for NC at the moment. I do feel like I would be the one to abandon the relationship if i did.

 

I'm sure I'll be back again feeling like **** and wanting to go NC, and if I do get back to that state I will make every effort to stay NC. I have been on 4 -5 dates while I was NC with her and I would compare all of the girls to her and not be interested in any of them. It's gonna suck if I go NC in the future because I feel I will have to lose feelings for her before I start dating again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...