Still hurting after decades

[Brian Kent]

My wife had an affair 20+ years ago. To this day she still calls it a "mistake" and like being in a state of denial she has never shown any true regret and remorse for the upset and hurt that her betrayal caused to my feelings. As such, the heeling process has never taken its proper course.

 

Her 'mistake' happened 9 years into our marriage and while 8 months pregnant with our second child. She was befriended in a "chance meeting situation" by a guy/predator (I wont call him a man) and they enjoyed lots on telephone chats together, where he flattered and wooed her. They waited several weeks after their initial quick drink in a local bar and phone chats before meeting up again - while I babysat - for full on sex together (without a condom) at his flat. This was during the period when she was still breast feeding our child.

 

I never saw her affair coming, so her confession came as an immense shock.

 

This 'bombshell' confession arrived 11 months after their second and final meeting (our first child was still an infant and new arrival less than a year old). In my mind then as it is now are all the lies she told, remembering the times when the home phone would cut-out when I answered it, my knowing that my family, friends and work colleagues knew about her affair, the humiliation this caused, the immediate loss of trust and respect (which took years to rebuild) and the accumulated effect of all this leading me to have a mini-nervous breakdown. I'm not looking for any sympathy here, this is just a true reflection of events.

 

Before and during the time of her affair my wife told me that she loved me and likewise I loved her 100%. Then and now I think back at our hand holding in hospital when she gave birth to our second child, all the while she was having an affair with a stranger (she physically only met him twice).

 

All these years on this terrible episode is never distant from my mind, just parked up somewhere close by... We have never taken the counselling route...because it was a "mistake, never to be repeated" she told me. So what's the point?

 

From the moment of hearing her news I quickly realised that I had NO alternative but to PUSH this shocking situation to the back of my mind, to distance myself from my wider family and close friends...etc - which I have done for the most part for many years (decades!) and to work at making our marriage succeed. We have both given it our all and we have for the main part been a very happy couple and family. However the shock and hurt does not fade, it simply hides and re-emerges unannounced and unchallenged.

 

My wife has never got her head around "my problem", she feels that I should forget about it and stop bringing the matter-up. Which is bloody difficult when the crystal clear memory reappears and literally takes over my mind, which as I'm getting older the 'triggers' are becoming more acute and can be activated through the simplest of things ~ certain songs, places, people (friends/family) being mentioned, arrival of Birthday/Xmas cards, his Christian name, the time of the year, etc, etc. When 'triggered' sadness descends and my only solace is "try and get a grip" and to think of all the good times and when alone to wish upon the 'guy' the level of torment that he has caused me (and indirectly to my family) and that he - who I'm still keeping tracks on - suffers a slow painful and untimely death.

 

Can any of you relate to my plight?

[TaraMaiden]

Did you guys ever get M.Counselling?

If not, there's your problem.

Trying to move on without some professional springboard will just result in belly-flops.

[z00m25]

i mean if its been 20 years and shes been faithful since maybe she has changed.. I know how you feel its hard to get trust back after its lost, but you need to decide what you really want because if you keep brining it up theres a better chance its going to happen again in my experience.

[Graceful]

You sound like a very sensitive soul, who has never resolved what happened regarding your wife's affair. I have to agree that you should have done some marriage counseling following her confession, and/or you should have gotten some counseling for yourself.

 

These issues continue to surface because of your lack of resolution, and part of that is that she never truly showed remorse or showed you, through actions, how deeply sorry she was. It sounds like all she did was use the words to express that she made a mistake, and that alone should absolve her, and that she is in direct denial either that she hurt you or caused you any lasting pain and damage. Essentially, she has no idea how this affected you, how deep the pain is, how damaging betrayal is to the trust in a marriage, or anything of the kind.

 

So unless you seek counseling, she's never really known or understood how you are suffering inside. I understand. I have been betrayed and the pain was excruciating, and my ex also never really showed remorse. I also had lots of triggers for a very long time because he was cheating on me during some very intense moments in our lives and it was very painful to recall any of that without thinking about what he was really doing, the cheating, the lying, all of it.

 

Please consider counseling. Please don't think you can just "wish it all away" because without getting your feelings out in the open and resolving them, they will continue to fester.

 

My wife has never got her head around "my problem", she feels that I should forget about it and stop bringing the matter-up. Which is bloody difficult when the crystal clear memory reappears and literally takes over my mind, which as I'm getting older the 'triggers' are becoming more acute and can be activated through the simplest of things ~ certain songs, places, people (friends/family) being mentioned, arrival of Birthday/Xmas cards, his Christian name, the time of the year, etc, etc. When 'triggered' sadness descends and my only solace is "try and get a grip" and to think of all the good times and when alone to wish upon the 'guy' the level of torment that he has caused me (and indirectly to my family) and that he - who I'm still keeping tracks on - suffers a slow painful and untimely death.

Just this paragraph alone shows how raw your feelings still are after all this time, and again, I don't blame you, but you need to get some resolution so you can let go of all this negativity. Insofar as wishing the "guy" who was in affair with your wife any ill, you need to let go of that, too. That's just unhealthy for you to hold those ill feelings inside and to be that bitter. That's part of the healing that never took place for you, do you see what I mean?

 

Please, please -- get some counseling. You deserve to have some peace in your life and in your mind, your wife can't give you that, you need to find it yourself. Please take care of yourself.