makelemonade1974 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 So I am about 5 months out of a relationship and starting to feel a little uh frisky. I often meet great-looking guys and had one ask for my phone number last night (hoping I will hear from him - but you never know I guess). Here's what I'm wondering - do any of you do this "friends w/ benefits" thing? I'm not talking one night stand. I would love to have some regular s** with no commitment - basically because I just can't handle commitment right now. So I'm a girl and I don't understand guys much. This is something I should just come out and say? "Hey, I really don't want a BF right now, but I think you are really hot. We should totally just use each other's bodies for a while." ???? really??? I do want to be clear though. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Perplexed81 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 If your in it for the short term then YES, it will work. However don't make the mistake I did. The reason I was able to get over my recent ex of 2 years so recently is becuase me and old friend from high school both just happen to stumble upon each other right after my breakup. I have no feelings for this woman. We both basically setup the ground rules and made it clear this was what it was, a friends with benefits thing. Problem is after soo much sex, I was visiting her maybe 3 or 4 times a week, she soon started getting feelings for me and after about 3 months of this, she came out and told me she had fallen in love with me. This shocked me and I ceased the benefits part immediately but amazingly we are still good friends just as if the benefits part never happened. So to answer your question, to have your cake and eat it to you'll be sleeping with several men to achieve this as you probably will only be having sex with them 2 months max before the guy will start professing his love for you. Anyways, thats my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Perplexed81 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Also I want to add, the sex was great, but afterwards each time it left me feeling empty inside becuase you've gotten yourself off and now your laying next to this person whom you have no feelings for and the only thing you can think of is to leave as soon as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
spackle Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 tried it, failed, never again. It was horribly complicated from start to finish. Don't get me wrong I've felt incredibly frisky like I could fall off the wagon but I know how crappy I'll feel after. Sex without emotion. Really? If a guy can enjoy it the same if I say don't talk to me, don't kiss me and don't look at me. It's not the same. Link to post Share on other sites
strangeways Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Agree with the others. I tried it also and it just made me think about the ex more. The sex was great but lying in bed with someone you have no connection with was an empty experience. Add into the mix that this girl started falling for me, I was getting anxious about hurting her feelings, it was making me think about the ex more and I had to end it. The cons definitely outweighed the pros. My mate tried it recently, not after a breakup but didn't want anything serious. All turned to s**t. He started having feelings for this girl and she ended it. He went a bit crazy with the emails despite my best efforts to talk him out of it. Not saying it doesn't work for some, just not me (or my mate). Thing is, often people just can't control their emotions despite what they may say. If either party wants more then it can get messy. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingthrough Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Im actually in the same boat. Met a girl, def not girlfriend material and is actually kind of flaky, but has shown an interest sexually, she gave me her number i didnt even ask. I feel like the main thing to get over someone is someone else, problem is, just sex isnt usually going to do it. Sex brings emotions and your emotions are probably a little fragile right now if thats the word, and like the other posters said, it will bring up things about the ex. I do think there is another side of it though, if you truly are feeling "frisky" like you you put it, then it may help. Personally i think it would help me, but i know its not going to fix anything. Years ago i had a bad breakup where i put her on a pedestal etc etc and what finally got me over it was meeting a girl that was more then just a hookup. It didnt work out but it was like "proof" that there is someone else out there. As far as letting him know, all you have to say with a guy is basically like "Yeah im just not really looking for a serious thing right now, just trying to have fun whatever". I dont mean that fun like some slutty way but who knows maybe it could be more, guys dont have a problem with girls saying that because in the beginning guys are usually just going with the flow anyway, so you just go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
flow15 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 makelemonade... If you said that to a guy, he would love it! haha If you are certain that sex is all you want then I think its ok, personally I couldn't do it as I have to be in a relationship in order to have sex with someone... I do agree with the others in that you should keep it short, because you could end up falling for the guy if you end up seeing him for longer than a month. It's a lot easier for guys as they can seperate emotions from sex... Link to post Share on other sites
Call Me Al Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Depends on you entirely. Every girl Ive ever been with where it was intended to be strictly 'friends with benefits' always turned into a situaiton where she questioned what we were/if we were a couple, etc...and the emotional complexities outweighed the benefits of an occasional booty call. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 OP, IMO, unless you can 'think' sex and treat it like a pleasurable sport, FWB will fail in the context of what you apparently are seeking it for. That perspective lies within your natural sexual and emotional styles. I've turned women down for sex because, antithetically to this: It's a lot easier for guys as they can separate emotions from sex... I can't have *meaningful* and *satisfying* sex without the emotional investment and attachment. I found this out in the late stages of my M when sex with my exW felt 'wrong' and 'empty'. So, hence, I would be an incompatible FWB candidate. If you feel you do match up with the general parameters of FWB, perhaps evidenced by marked periods of casual sex in your history, then clearly communicate them to a prospective man and negotiate the ground rules openly and honestly. This shouldn't be an issue with any mature male. They know how to talk about sex Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 So, hence, I would be an incompatible FWB candidate. Oh crap! I was really hoping you would go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Well another problem is just that lately I'm really attracted to younger men. I work at a university and they are everywhere. I look young for my age, so I think half the time they don't realize the age difference, although I'm sure they are aware I'm a teensy bit older. I just can't imagine myself in a relationship with a 24-year-old, although I could TOTALLY imagine some hot s** with one lol. I've only ever had the FWB scenario work for my once - years ago - and I remember being some of the best s** I ever had. I really think he wanted me to be his gf though, and I had to end it eventually. It's tricky since these sorts of scenarios tend to be so lopsided emotionally. 1 month limit? hmmmm - sounds like a good plan. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Also I want to add, the sex was great, but afterwards each time it left me feeling empty inside becuase you've gotten yourself off and now your laying next to this person whom you have no feelings for and the only thing you can think of is to leave as soon as possible.Every girl Ive ever been with where it was intended to be strictly 'friends with benefits' always turned into a situaiton where she questioned what we were/if we were a couple, etc...and the emotional complexities outweighed the benefits of an occasional booty call. I totally agree. Link to post Share on other sites
ccfan Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I tried it you use the friends with benefits as a shortcut to get over my ex .... DIDN´T WORK AT ALL ... if anything it made it worse as it make me miss my ex even more after having sex with ramdom girls... Maybe it works for you, but in my case and as i can read from all the other posters it does more harm than good... Link to post Share on other sites
LostMyHeart Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 My IC informed me the other day that sex for women is much different for them than men. In women, we release a chemical when we orgasm that affects our neural senses and can bond us to men. I found that interesting and probably plausible...maybe others can provide some insight. For me, the whole FWB thing does not work. I have to be attracted to a man for more than just sexual pleasure to even be able to have sex with them. Throw in the emotional aspect...headed for a train wreck...sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
spackle Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I found it wasn't actually the sex that I was looking for. I missed having someone round who wanted me and I missed the company and attention. When he left it just made me pine for 'someone' and my bed feel even more empty. If I drain all that away then the sex was good enough I suppose but not good enough to balance the negatives. You live and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
spackle Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 My IC informed me the other day that sex for women is much different for them than men. In women, we release a chemical when we orgasm that affects our neural senses and can bond us to men. I found that interesting and probably plausible...maybe others can provide some insight. For me, the whole FWB thing does not work. I have to be attracted to a man for more than just sexual pleasure to even be able to have sex with them. Throw in the emotional aspect...headed for a train wreck...sigh. It's called oxytocin. And probably explains why we get hooked on some douchebags along the way. Men also release oxytocin but testosterone suppresses its affect. Interestingly men also release oxytocin round their kids/babies, probably another evolutionary thing to keep them round rather than run for the hills after spawning. I also read that scientists have developed an oxytocin spray so ladies if you want more cuddles from your guy just zap him with the potion. Link to post Share on other sites
willpower Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I think its probably easier to find a new person that you actually care about than a person who no strings sex works with. I took a girl home over christmas she was 19, I'm 27 - thought to myself this will help, explain that I'm non commital etc. Got up in the morning and took her home, felt like **** as it just reminded me how much I was missing my ex after the deed was done. Woke up in the morning and literally hated seeing another person that I had no feelings about next to me (to the point where I went back home and broke down in tears after dropping her off). She texted me through a few times and I bump into her in a pub later on in the holidays. She says to me "I've told my freinds about you - I want you to come to my new years party and meet them". I was polite but left and let her know sober the next day that I was not looking for a relationship and still had feelings for my ex. Felt like a bit of a ahole for this but it is what it is. Guess its different for different people, go try it. What have you got to lose? Link to post Share on other sites
spackle Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 at least you told her and didnt BS her which would have been much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Well it's my understanding that when you go out with a guy and eventually end up having sex prior to any relationship status communication, it is a nonverbal affirmation of each other's hotness and wanting sex now-ness. A lot of people out just want to have fun, no strings attached. It's what's ordinary. It would be out of the ordinary to actually have a conversation about what is being done, "Hey I'm just getting it on for tonight/this month with no intention of commitment beyond that." So you can be ordinary and not have the conversation and have fun, or you can be out of the ordinary and have the conversation and see what happens. If I were you though, I would be open to a relationship and just relax, have fun and see where it goes. No need to hold on to the past drama, just let go and open yourself to something new. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Tried it twice with two different women and in both cases it ended with hard feelings on the part of one of us: one time it was the girl, one time it was me. It should really be called person with benefits, bc you won't be friends when it comes to an end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makelemonade1974 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) I also read that scientists have developed an oxytocin spray so ladies if you want more cuddles from your guy just zap him with the potion. Lol - I want to track down Hayden Christiansen and spray him with it. Found it online: http://oxytocin-spray.com/ Ya'll are really bumming me out. I need me some s** lol I like Ms. Joolie's comments about just having fun and going with it. And Lostmyheart, I'm the same way as far as attraction goes. I have to like him as a person before I'll do the deed. That complicates things a bit. Edited February 20, 2011 by makelemonade1974 Link to post Share on other sites
D78 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 lemonade, I did it. It was great. Then he fell in love and I fell in love and... 11 years later I have no F and no B. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Call Me Al Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Therein lies the dilemma. Theres basically this very narrow space a person has to fit into where you like them, but dont like them so much that you could see being in a relationship with them or anything beyond just FWB. Usually if its purely physical, the novelty wears off quick. Link to post Share on other sites
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