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Can't get over ex-girlfriend even after 30 years


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We met in '78 and dated for a little more than 2 years. We were deeply in love with each other and had discussed getting married and having kids several times. Problem was, at the time I was working as a grocery store clerk and was only making $6 an hour; hardly a wage that was sufficent to support a family.

 

We went to a pig roast at her brother-in-law's one night and while I wouldn't call what we had an argument, it wasn't a good night for us. The evening ended on a sour note for sure.

 

I went to her place a couple of days later and we had a talk. She said it would be a good idea if we didn't see each other for a month. I didn't like the idea at all, but realizing I couldn't force her not to do this (and if there are problems with the relationship, who would want that anyway) I agreed.

 

Two weeks later, she shows up at my best friend's house. The next day I went to his place and he proceeded to tell me about their visit. He said she told him she wanted our breakup to be permanent, and the reason she didn't want to tell me in person was because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to go through with it. However, she never said what drove her decision.

 

I saw her maybe 3 or 4 times after that, but these encounters were purely incidental and nothing was mentioned by either of us about the breakup. She did come into the store to see me while I was working about a month or so after we broke up. I thought it was kind of strange that she came in to see me as she really didn't seem (on the surface anyway) to have a reason to do so. We talked for about 5 minutes, but again, our discussion was just golly-gee-whiz stuff, and nothing was mentioned about the breakup or our relationship. I kind of got the feeling she was hoping I would say something to the effect that I missed her and wanted to get back together. Believe me, I wanted to, but I didn't.

 

She married 3 years later and is still married to the same guy today. They have 3 kids as well. I married 6 years later. My wife and I are still married and we have two beautiful daughters. I love my wife dearly, but I still think about my ex all the time. There has never been a period of time since we broke up that I stopped loving her, or stopped missing her. I can't figure out why I can't get over her and Im starting to wonder if I ever will. Since I still feel this way after 30 years, I doubt I will ever get over her. Are any of you plagued by still having feelings for an ex?

Edited by grampi
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I... don't know what to say. I guess just... wow. I can't word it, so for now let me just say I have the utmost respect for you and leave it at that.

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omfg pining for 30yrs? that must be like a jail sentence.

 

In a way, yes, but in another way, I'm greatful to have experienced love that deep...some people are never that lucky.

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comethemorning

Grampi - let me say, I completely relate. Very similar stories.

 

Met him in '88. We were both 18. Our wedding date was set for Aug 11, 1990. Had the dress bought and paid for, reception hall paid for, had our first meeting with the minister, even the China Pattern picked out (yes, people still did that back then), the whole nine yards. Unfortunately, one night he decided to get really drunk, and showed up at my parents house after threatening someone else. Back then he was pretty well known to our Town's Finest, so they automatically came to my folks house, where they proceeded to arrest him at gunpoint in front of my mother (and believe it or not, I slept through the whole thing). Needless to say, Dad freaked out and refused to pay for the wedding. (Now that I am older and wiser with a daughter of my own, I get it).

 

But alas, young love cannot be stopped or contained no matter what Dad says :o. I went back to him, and we were on and off until '92. Some of it very good, some of it very bad. The last time I actually saw him was in Aug '93, when I was with the man I was to marry. Even then, I knew that if I didn't leave with my then boyfriend, I would have ended back with him. I made the conscious choice. And it was the hardest thing I ever did - believe me!!!

 

I ended up married to the guy I left with for 17 years (that is a whole other story...), and we had 2 beautiful children. He never did marry, but also had a daughter about a year and a half younger than mine. We reconnected via Facebook for a while, and life has not been great for him. He is still an alcoholic. Sad.

 

Not a day has gone by that I have not thought about him in some way or another. Sometimes, he still even haunts me in my sleep. He was my soulmate, but unfortunately, the parts of our souls that mated brought out the worst in both of us (oil and water, as my mother still says). We were the same person, only in the opposite sex. If we had been older, and able to conquer our demons, we would have been a formidable force. The passion was intense, and he was the only person I have ever met that has matched me intellectually and creatively. I loved him with a love that cannot be explained, nor will it ever be matched by myself in this lifetime. I console myself now with the thought that it is but a bittersweet memory, and leave it at that :)

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Duckduckgoose

Wow... 30 years and you still feel something for her.

 

I understand a bit of what you feel. I dated a guy on and off from 2002-2005. The first time I saw him I felt this instant connection, it was really strange.

 

Even though I have dated other guys since him (and been married and now getting divorced:( ) I know that me and this guy would just not work out in this life.

 

I still see and speak with him in my dreams, oddly enough I get real life details from him when I dream. He was in my dream comforting me when my husband left (holy **** I know). Maybe this means I am nuts.

 

To me its most likely that we were together in a past life or lives, and may be together again in another life, but in this life for whatever reasons its just not meant to be. I don't really believe in "True Love" but I do believe in "Soul Mates" and he very well may be (one) of mine.

 

The girl you dated might just be your kindred spirit or soul mate. Do not forsake your wife for this woman though. If it is meant to be it will be, perhaps not in this lifetime though.

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You get to a point where you just accept it for what it was and is and move on. Don't do what I did twenty years later and screw up your marriage. Yes, the same 'whatever' was still there. Some people aren't wired to deal with that 'whatever', at any age. Sometimes, a 'deep ocean of secrets' is equal opportunity. Thanks for sharing your story :)

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Is this the same woman you "found" on Facebook back in August?

 

Grampi, I think you are looking for trouble and you are going to find it. Last year, you came dangerously close to having an affair with a younger woman ... remember? I don't recall any mention of this unrequited love at that time.

 

You get a fb account last summer and immediately "encounter" (quoted because I imagine it was not an accident) your old flame. Now, you feel unrequited love for her.

 

You seem extremely ripe for an affair, and like you've been that way for a while. Maybe you and your wife should go to MC so you can get a handle on this pattern before it undermines your marriage. Or, so you can find out that you honestly don't want to be in a monogamous relationship with your wife anymore, and how to move on from that.

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Is this the same woman you "found" on Facebook back in August?

 

Grampi, I think you are looking for trouble and you are going to find it. Last year, you came dangerously close to having an affair with a younger woman ... remember? I don't recall any mention of this unrequited love at that time.

 

You get a fb account last summer and immediately "encounter" (quoted because I imagine it was not an accident) your old flame. Now, you feel unrequited love for her.

 

You seem extremely ripe for an affair, and like you've been that way for a while. Maybe you and your wife should go to MC so you can get a handle on this pattern before it undermines your marriage. Or, so you can find out that you honestly don't want to be in a monogamous relationship with your wife anymore, and how to move on from that.

 

No, it's not the same person. I haven't been in contact with this woman in almost 30 years now. I'm also not "looking" for an affair and I believe my marriage is strong enough to withstand the test of time. If I was going to cheat, I would've done it by now. I've had plenty of opportunities, but I've never acted on any of them.

 

I seem to remember you in some of the other threads. While you may believe your "drill sergeant" approach to every situation is the way to go, that's not what I'm looking for here, and if that's the only way you can participate, Id rather you didn't participate...

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It's good to know there are others with similar situations; this means we understand what we're all going through. Comethemorning, your situation is almost identical to mine, though the way our relationships ended were very different. I think what bothers me most is not knowing why I can't get over her. I had girlfirends both before and after her that I loved, and I got over them. I think it has something to do with the way it ended. Not knowing for sure why she ended it may be preventing me to put closure on this thing. I do have a theory though.

 

A couple months before our breakup were talking about our future, and the subject of my job came up. I was trying to get hired at a local GM plant that had just opened, which would've increased my income to the point to where we could afford to get married. I told her I was trying to get into a postion other than assembly line work, as I didn't think I'd be able to stand doing a job like that day in and day out. She said if I didn't start making more money soon she was going to find someone else. The conversation ended on that note, and I was in total shock that she could've said something so cold and uncaring. I thought about what she had said for a few minutes and thought she must have been kidding; something that cold couldn't have been anything but a joke, even if it was a bad one.

 

Now, fast forward to our breakup. It all makes sense. She talked about getting married quite often. She talked about having kids quite a bit. She worked at a daycare center, and she loved being around the kids....all day....every day. She dumped me not because she didn't love me anymore, but because she was sick of waiting for me to get my chit together. She was ready to settle down and get married. I was too, but I simply couldn't afford it. Of course, I don't know this for sure, this is only my theory. I think if I knew for sure why she ended it I could put this whole thing behind me once and for all. Unfortunately, I will probably never see, or talk to her ever again as we both live in different states now. I also can't help but to wonder if she still feels the same way about me, but I doubt she does. She was probably able to put it all in the past....

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This is NOT a very promising story. Now I'm really worried. I can't imaging marrying someone who can't live up to an ex. I would feel like my life was being fed a single course instead of the whole meal. Please God don't let this happen to me. How horrible.

 

So much for the "time heals all wounds" claims...

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No, it's not the same person.

 

You must have been very busy in the late 70's, in that case. Here's your post from August:

 

 

I was posting in this forum last fall about an accidental encounter that occured between myself and a younger, attractive woman. As those of you who partook in that discussion know, we parted without ever doing anything, but the temptations were there.

 

Well, it's happened again....this time on Face Book. My wife and Daughters were all practically begging me to get a FB account, so I finally did the other day. A gal I dated back in the late 70s and I crossed paths the first day I had the account on this netwoking gateway and we still have all the chemistry. I could sense it right off the bat (because I can read)!

 

I truely don't go looking for these things to happen, they just do, and this time may be a much more difficult challenge to overcome.....

 

So, what happened with THAT woman, if she is not the same one you've posted about today?

 

 

I seem to remember you in some of the other threads. While you may believe your "drill sergeant" approach to every situation is the way to go, that's not what I'm looking for here, and if that's the only way you can participate, Id rather you didn't participate...

 

I think you are being disingenuous, and since I've just read all your previous threads here on LS, I see it's a solid pattern. Also, I notice a pattern of you taking a very defensive stance when you're called on anything. I can understand that, but get used to it if you want to post your stuff on a public forum.

 

Anyway, I don't think I posted anything "drill sergeant" like at all.

 

Why are you repeatedly getting in situations where you are close to having an emotional (which I believe you did have back in November, if your posts were honest) if not a physical affair?

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This is NOT a very promising story. Now I'm really worried. I can't imaging marrying someone who can't live up to an ex. I would feel like my life was being fed a single course instead of the whole meal. Please God don't let this happen to me. How horrible.

 

So much for the "time heals all wounds" claims...

 

If my theory is correct, I couldn't live up to my ex's expectations FINANCIALLY AT THAT TIME. That certainly isn't the case today...but you're right about not wanting this to happen to you, it's definitely not fun...

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Well I guess you can take comfort in that. If it was only your finances that stood in the way, then there was really nothing there. There are plenty of broke couple who live happily ever after.

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You must have been very busy in the late 70's, in that case. Here's your post from August:

 

 

 

 

So, what happened with THAT woman, if she is not the same one you've posted about today?

 

 

 

 

I think you are being disingenuous, and since I've just read all your previous threads here on LS, I see it's a solid pattern. Also, I notice a pattern of you taking a very defensive stance when you're called on anything. I can understand that, but get used to it if you want to post your stuff on a public forum.

 

Anyway, I don't think I posted anything "drill sergeant" like at all.

 

Why are you repeatedly getting in situations where you are close to having an emotional (which I believe you did have back in November, if your posts were honest) if not a physical affair?

 

If you're insinuating that I had quite a few girlfriends in the late 70s, yes I did. What's that got to do with anything?

 

I'll tell you what happened with THAT woman. I told her I was married and that I had no intention of cheating on my wife, or leaving her, and we went our separate ways.

 

What I don't understand about you is why you feel the need to follow me around in this forum and continuously insist that everything I've posted about in this forum is always my fault, that I'm disingenunous, and basically portraying me as some kind of scumbag whose always "looking" to cheat on my wife. I started this thread to find out if anyone else has experienced what I'm experiencing in hopes of maybe being able to find out how to deal with it. There's nothing here to fault, only feelings to deal with (which is something I doubt you're able to grasp). If you want to participate in the discussion, by all means do, but if you can't do so without dragging me through the mud then I will be ignoring your posts from here on...

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30 years!?!?!?! Wow... just wow. It's only been a year and a half since my ex and I broke up and we both love each other. To most people it's remarkable because 1) we only dated for 6 months, all of which were long distance. 2) We've only spent about 2.5 weeks together in person. 3) We haven't seen each other since the split and yet I still love him today as much as I did when he broke my heart. I don't know if I could go 30 years missing someone though. That would kill me.

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30 years!?!?!?! Wow... just wow. It's only been a year and a half since my ex and I broke up and we both love each other. To most people it's remarkable because 1) we only dated for 6 months, all of which were long distance. 2) We've only spent about 2.5 weeks together in person. 3) We haven't seen each other since the split and yet I still love him today as much as I did when he broke my heart. I don't know if I could go 30 years missing someone though. That would kill me.

 

It isn't easy, and unless you eventually get over the person, it doesn't get any easier either.

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It isn't easy, and unless you eventually get over the person, it doesn't get any easier either.

 

I'm sure it isn't, but my ex and I are meeting up soon to talk and see where things go. I honestly think after meeting him and feeling the intense passion and chemistry we had, I couldn't settle for anything less now. Everytime I listen to this song called Do You Wish It Was Me by Jason Aldean, I think of him. That song has been haunting me for months and I don't think I could settle for anything less than feeling that vibrant and alive again in a relationship. So I tip my hat off to you for going that long without her in your life.

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It isn't easy, and unless you eventually get over the person, it doesn't get any easier either.

 

Grampi, do you think you put your all into forgettting her? Into getting over it? That you got married and had children doesn't mean you didn't still actively hold onto feelings for her (even a tiny bit).

 

The key to getting over someone seems to be the all-encompassing desire to.

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What I don't understand about you is why you feel the need to follow me around in this forum and continuously insist that everything I've posted about in this forum is always my fault, that I'm disingenunous, and basically portraying me as some kind of scumbag whose always "looking" to cheat on my wife. I started this thread to find out if anyone else has experienced what I'm experiencing in hopes of maybe being able to find out how to deal with it. There's nothing here to fault, only feelings to deal with (which is something I doubt you're able to grasp). If you want to participate in the discussion, by all means do, but if you can't do so without dragging me through the mud then I will be ignoring your posts from here on...

 

Dude, my first post on this thread is the FIRST TIME I've ever participated with your threads. I read the forums a lot. I remembered you from last year. "Follow you around"? Hardly.

 

How you deal with your repeated pattern: MC. Or, IC.

 

Of course it's your "fault" that you have, 3 times in 12 months, found yourself somehow involved with women who are not your wife and struggling with "what to do about it." Personally, I would not choose to use the word "fault," but you certainly have put yourself in those situations and then spend a lot of emotional energy keeping the situations alive.

 

The first step in improving any situation in a person's life is taking personal accountability for ones part in the problem. The best method to stay stuck is to avoid taking any personal responsibility for the problem.

 

If you want sympathy, you'll have a little better luck on the OM / OW forum. Unfortunately for you, there are still going to be people over there who will call you on B.S. Another hint is to change your user name if you don't want your fellow LS members to challenge you on your repeated patterns.

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Grampi, do you think you put your all into forgettting her? Into getting over it? That you got married and had children doesn't mean you didn't still actively hold onto feelings for her (even a tiny bit).

 

The key to getting over someone seems to be the all-encompassing desire to.

 

I would agree with you cerridwen (by the way I love your avatar :)) but that doesn't always work. I think for some people, they meet someone who literally changes their life in a way most people will not be able to comprehend. For instance when I met my ex the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend, but there was something about him that drew me to him. Because literally from the first moment we talked to each other I wanted him in my life forever one way or another. It was a feeling that can't be explained but there was something between us and I just wanted to be around him. So I guess it depends on the persons involved. Some people you can get over and others you can't despite whatever it is you do. Some call it obsession, some call it true love, and some call it soulmates.

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Some call it obsession, some call it true love, and some call it soulmates.

 

And the ones who call it obsession would be correct ;)

 

Obsession, true love, and soulmates are hardly synonyms. To be "true love" or a "soulmate" both parties have to be equally involved. When only one party is involved, you are obsessing with an IDEA of true love and soulmate. Not the reality. Is your God so cruel that he would offer you a "soul mate" who was indifferent to you?

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And the ones who call it obsession would be correct ;)

 

Obsession, true love, and soulmates are hardly synonyms. To be "true love" or a "soulmate" both parties have to be equally involved. When only one party is involved, you are obsessing with an IDEA of true love and soulmate. Not the reality. Is your God so cruel that he would offer you a "soul mate" who was indifferent to you?

 

I agree that both parties have to be equally involved to be considered each other's "true love" or "soulmate" but even then people will tell you that you're just obsessed. People have told me that although me and my ex still love each other, it's just an obsession on my part. Granted the people who have told me that have usually never felt so in love as I have and don't understand the gravity of meeting someone who impacts you on such a great level that many people never get to experience. And a "soul mate" who is indifferent isn't a soulmate, that's just called being in major denial.

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