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Long story! We were perfect until distance. Mixed signals! Will she come back?


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I was with a girl for almost a year and a half (Officially 1 year and 3 months June 09 - Sept 10), and things were great. PERFECT almost. To give you background on the relationship:

 

We had great times, memories, our families got along great, and I believe we genuinely really fell for each other. It was a fun, happy relationship, with only a few arguments, over jealousy issues, and silly things like all couples, which we got over easily. We met in a different way (her at her job, a restaurant…me visiting a 100 times at the Chilis to-go counter she worked at…ordering food just to see her lol) We had a SUPER strong connection….strange almost… but we hit it off the whole time from the day I got her phone number, to the day we had our first date, to the day I asked her to be my girlfriend, for the most part the whole time….99% of the time. We have a really great story, and in the middle of our relationship both admitted our feelings for each other.

 

We admitted we were both very in love and both verbally expressed how we both wanted to stay together forever….seriously. We were inseparable. she often called me her best friend (vice versa) and "hubby" and all kinds of things, and often said herself that she wants me forever. We BOTH said we wanted it forever We did NOT have sex yet, but we did other things. She is a virgin and wasn't ready for a while and I was patient, but we tried a few times starting from about the 6th or 7th month to the end of the relationship, before she had to move to college.

 

Around the time she was planning on going to college, we didn't know what to do with our relationship. She was moving about 3 hours away to school and I was planning on moving down there before I started school two years ago (I'm a sophomore, almost junior in college and she is a freshman in college NOW), but two years ago i declined the school to stay home for a couple semester, but her moving there...and her attending that school was another plus for me moving out of the house and finally transfer there and for us to continue our relationship when we are both in the same city. (not moving there for her) We both had different thoughts about what to do, but in the end we both agreed that we love each other, and we knew how crabby and angry we get when we dont see each other for a while, we agreed it would be best to "drop the title" so we dont become so focused on the relationship and pointless jealousy arguments, etc. BUT, we agreed to act as if we were together and treat everything as if we were together.

 

She goes to orientation a few weeks before school starts and gets some new guy friends (which she never really had before) and comes home, happy to see me, but I also noticed she was texting a particular guy a lot and acting weird. The same name every time I see her phone buzz, that same guy. Of course I asked her about it, and she told me he was just a friend and I blew it off.

 

I come with her and her family the day she moves in, and we have a fun last day seeing each other for a while, but I told her right before I left that I'd come the weekend after we moved her in. That weekend came, and this is a week before school starts, and the first day We had a blast... and at night we got in a big argument, the next day we argued more over a situation where she didnt want to hold my hand at the mall where she lives now. She told me at night that she didn't "feel comfortable" acting "together" because of that argument the first night. We argued even more that night, and the next day I planned to leave in the afternoon because I had to leave for work, and that day on the way home we argued on the phone. We got over it that night and made up over the phone.

 

2 Weeks after, we saw each other that weekend and hung out. I didnt see her much, because of but It was okay for the most part. she acted really funny the weeks after I saw her. We argued argued argued, and she thought I was trying to push her into being with me but she wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

 

I told her many times that I'm not trying to make her be with me at all, I just wanted to get an understanding of what we are at the moment, and work on us, she never really directly answered the questions she wasnt comfortable answering. One week, we argued on a thursday and I cursed her out, and immediately felt bad about it and apologized, but the next day, she ignored EVERY SINGLE call I made to her. I then learned that she came into town with some guy, the exact guy she was texting all the time. she came back overnight back home because her family wanted to see her. The guy went with her because her mother is pretty protective, and didnt want her to drive at night alone, and she says thats the ONLY reason she brought him along. I find out she is in town, but she didnt tell me. After plenty of calls and messsages she finally tells me she brought him down and why, and that i shouldnt worry because once again he is "just a friend" and that in fact he's talking to his girlfriend in the same room she's talking to me in. After that weekend, things were different more, Hot and Cold. Her birthday was that next weekend. I went through alot to get her some really great gifts and a picture video of us for the anniversary that passed, but she tells, me after I bought everything, that I dont need to buy her anything. and I dont need to come down that weekend with her family. She ignored all my calls on her birthday but we got in a few msgs and she still was giving me the message that she still loves me, and is in love, etc., and she was sorry about the lack of communication on her part. I find out later that this guy, (same guy she texts all the time) who lives in the town she goes to college and goes to that same school, was with her that weekend with her family, almost instead of me. I was furious and we argued plenty after that. about two weeks ago we were talking and she told me maybe she shouldnt be with me, and we should end it, so I said okay and hung up. She called me about ten minutes later crying and said she was sorry for what she's been putting me through and she's just confused, so be patient with her.

 

 

It was pretty much kept at that until last week, a friday, she called me crying... I answered and asked what was wrong multiple times and she told me, I'd be mad at her if she told me all of what she had to say. Me, sure that it was something silly, asked her to continue, and she told me that her guy friend got back with his girlfriend. She was upset because she liked him. I had a bad feeling about their friendship from the start. I got mad and critized her some, never disrespecting her or yelling during this convo, but asking why she would do that, and she hung up in my face, I did like a lot of people do and called plenty of times (alot of times, not gonna lie) so she blocked me from facebook, msn, skype, etc., as if I had did that to her. Days later afer ignoring my calls and texts, she finally answers and says he broke up with his gf so he and her are working things out slowly. I was very angry and received a call from her mother to stop contacting her bc I called her a few times after that… so I did just so. I really feel like I was looking like the "bad guy" to her family.

 

My birthday was a week after that last friday. I expected her to say something to me but I got nothing from her at all. Come to find out today that she is now dating that "Friend". This was indescribable pain. She tells me she loves me and wants to work things out, but goes and does this? I feel like its a textbook definition of a rebound boyfriend but dont know what to make it or what to do. I hadnt talked to her in about 7 days and she unblocked me, she messaged me saying she's sorry for everything...I REALLY truly feel like we were a perfect couple before this arguing because we were pretty much arguing because of the distance and I know none of this would have happened if I was down there NOW instead of like I planned to be next semester. I know she's still in love with me, I feel it. and I was on target with my intuition and assumptions lately, but what she did hurt

 

 

I ignored her for some days after the day she told me she was liking someone else, NO CONTACT at all.. and she sent me a message out of nowhere and she asked if I was okay and I told her, “don’t talk to me, everything you DIDN’T tell me was answered when you got with your “friend”..…she told me it doesn’t feel right and she doesn’t know why she did it, and I told her she should feel bad because she was wrong for everything that she been doing, knowing she still in love with me and days ago telling me she wanna be with me….she started crying when I said that, and we talked for hours about that subject, and she always avoids a lot of things…I talked about how I did soo much for her bday and she couldn’t even tell me happy bday.. and she said she sent me a message and I got nothing…so she tried to show me how she sent me a message…(she started dating dude a day before my birthday)…but we talked about a lot that night and kinda were okay after that….I really felt that it was a rebound, which it was…and people mess up, people get confused, stuff happens….some days after we still talked about things and we ALMOST were back to normal, you know, staying up late on the phone and things, until one day, I was asking about her and her bf she had for somedays…if they messed around b/c something didn’t feel right….and her whole mood changed...her face turned to stone when I said it the way I did…she told me about ten times in a row, “I love you” and “I’m sorry” and she started tearing up and finally admitted they messed around (not sex)….I was furious, and this sparked a lot more arguments… I wanted to know if it was around the time we were still together or not and she again avoided some of the things I said…..once again I kind of tried to let it go…”**** happens” but the thought lingers in my mind, like it would to anyone.

 

 

We planned to hang out the next time we saw each other… I saw her for the first time in about a month and we hung out for a little on a Friday night at her house, but she was going out to dinner with family so I left after about 2 hours…and we were supposed to just hang out and watch movies that night but when she got back she messaged me saying “my mom thinks im sending you the wrong message, I shouldn’t be hanging out with you if im not ready to be with you right now, ttyl..” …it was REALLY odd Idk why she said that…because I left it alone and that Sunday she messages me saying come over for dinner…we hung out and ate and got kinda close before she went back to school…We were kinda good for the weeks following this….got to the point where we talked about Us again, acted like us again: the laughing, fun, etc…one thing that stood out was that in the middle of all this I asked her to tell me how she feels about me….she told me im the “love of her life” but things are hard…We kinda continued to butt heads about her communicating with me and how things are now/how things will be and when.. some days she would ignore me and others she was talking to me…we emailed a lot and she would always say she is busy, but even I know she doesn’t do much…one day after some arguments she told me “no more future, no more maybe, im moving on” so I told her how I felt and left it at that…we talked more and more and more for a couple days……

 

 

another thing that stood out was this thing we used to do: hold my hand over my chest and act as if I’m takin out my heart and giving it to her. Silly unique thing we did, but it meant a lot. I did it to her and said “So do you want me to give it back? And She said “I don’t know”…. she told me I don’t make her happy anymore and some of her decision to “move on” is bc of arguing and distance….I told her how I felt that the distance makes it almost impossible to be happy like it was before, and how I thought the distance made everything go south, and I thought the arguments came from distance, and I want to squash all this and just wanted her to spend time with me and we’ll be okay…she had been getting advice from one of her new female friends from school and was like idk about that….we emailed about a lot of this …she told me I’ll be here for you whenever you need me…so a couple days after I messaged her a few messages about how I think she needs distance from me because she took A LOT I’ve done for her for granted and she’ll see that…and I sent her stuff about how this was all pointless because we don’t even know what this started for and we haven’t talked since. I just want to know what I should do?

 

 

 

A LOT of this looks really bad on her part I know…but Man we were PERFECT before any of this distance and I know if I was there with her we would be good and I wouldn’t be typing this right now….Ive done my share of being an ******* too…when we started arguing, I yelled at her….people mess up…ending this with her broke me down like I’ve never been before I have been losing concentration on everything from school, work, and simple daily activity like eating, etc….and throughout all the BS she has done and I’ve done I really feel like we’re meant for each other still….She even said the same…but you don’t tell someone they’re the love of your life for nothing right before you leave them right?? Idk… I feel stupid for stickin around…but I just have a lot of unanswered questions but she wouldn’t give me the time of day….She's ben ignoring me...

I know coming across as needy made it worse.

 

 

What should I do…I really love this girl…A LOT. I know she loves me too but distance and US dont work out cuz we didnt communicate enough about it before…we got in our first argument when we didnt see each other for 6 days…we were inseperable throughout our relationship and as soon as we got distance we started the real yelling screaming arguments…we couldn’t handle it right then…

 

I know time would be the best medicine…but I just want your take on everything I’ve told you…should I just move on? Like REALLY move on and throw away all this old stuff of hers and everything and get on with my life? Everyone has that one person they think is meant for them…She gives too many mixed signals.. I’m losing out on my best friend and everything that came with our relationship. Theres so many memories we both have....she's told me too much for me to really believe she doesn't want this anymore. Tell me anything you can tell me!

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"We had a blast... and at night we got in a big argument, the next day we argued more over a situation where she didnt want to hold my hand at the mall where she lives now. She told me at night that she didn't "feel comfortable" acting "together" because of that argument the first night."

 

Right there, is where she'd already met the other guy and she probably provoked the fight to give her an excuse to push you away. She didn't want to be seen holding hands bcs word might get back to him and I bet he didn't know she had a bf. Then she strings you both along until she's sure he's available (he breaks up with his girl) then she wants you back when he's NOT available, and so on. She just doesn't want to be alone and the distance is too hard for her. Know the old lyric, "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"?

 

So bottom line, if you want it to work you have to move to where she is. But don't expect things to be perfect. She's young, unsure of herself (takes her relationship advice from friends and family) and may decide she has to see more of "what's out there" before she's ready to commit.

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"We had a blast... and at night we got in a big argument, the next day we argued more over a situation where she didnt want to hold my hand at the mall where she lives now. She told me at night that she didn't "feel comfortable" acting "together" because of that argument the first night."

 

Right there, is where she'd already met the other guy and she probably provoked the fight to give her an excuse to push you away. She didn't want to be seen holding hands bcs word might get back to him and I bet he didn't know she had a bf. Then she strings you both along until she's sure he's available (he breaks up with his girl) then she wants you back when he's NOT available, and so on. She just doesn't want to be alone and the distance is too hard for her. Know the old lyric, "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with"?

 

So bottom line, if you want it to work you have to move to where she is. But don't expect things to be perfect. She's young, unsure of herself (takes her relationship advice from friends and family) and may decide she has to see more of "what's out there" before she's ready to commit.

 

 

How do I get her to talk to me though? she's not even talking to me right now...idk how long i can wait...last thing i received from her was "if you EVER need me just message me...i love you" and ive sent maybe 2 message since then one of them said happy thanksgiving and i've gotten no reply...and a little before that i was the love of her life? i dont get it at all...and its killing me

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All right, don't hold my feet to the fire on this, but I believe the only way you'll know for sure if you two have a chance is to be prepared to walk away. And then go ahead and agree with everything she has said about how hard it is, and the two of you had too many arguments and whatever else her objections were. Tell her she was totally right and you're seeing it her way now that you've had some time.

 

That will surprise her because up until now she's been defending her position and you've been defending yours. When you agree with everything she's said, she has nothing to defend anymore. She may actually say, "hold on there, I'm not sure I really WANT to be right!

 

Then tell her you realize this is for the best and have a good life. And DON'T offer to be there for her. She needs to believe that "this is it".

 

If she still has mixes feelings, then the realization that she's losing you for good will make her want to pull you back in. It's a normal human reaction, so you can pretty much expect to hear from her IF she still has any feelings for you at all.

 

Even if she's back with that other guy, if she has any doubts about who she should be with, then telling her you're gone for good will get a reaction.

 

If she DOES reach out, you can't just jump back in, even if she asks. Don't even reply right away, wait a couple of days and say you're busy but you can talk BRIEFLY. Nothing more than 10 minutes. Keep things like that for at least a month and then if you think she's really sincere about wanting to try again, you can have "the talk".

 

But realize a few things. First, she's young (so are you) and impressionable and she's listening to advice from her mom and her girlfriends. That can work against you if she takes their advice to heart. Second, you still have the distance to deal with. Third, you should think long and hard about whether you want to go through all this in order to have another chance. Moving on might just be easier on everyone in the long run.

 

But just do the first step at this point, and tell her you're done. And actually be READY to be done. Don't text her or email her, write a letter and send it via snail mail. That stands out and gets opened.

 

Let us know...

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twinrexes is correct. Listen to this.

 

I'm in a similar situation but with a guy. You have to walk away. The right thing to do feels counter intuitive and against everything you want to do to keep her, but this will be the move that will actually make an impact and will make her feel the loss.

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Thank you and I see how that may work, but do I just wait until she speaks to me again?

 

I just wish I knew why she wasn't talking to me, especially after saying she was here for me and she said she loved me at the end...our last time speaking to each other was a good time too? What do you guys think? she's been ignoring everything

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