I hurt him badly...is there any chance of forgiveness?

[heart of gold]

Long, LONG story short, about a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of about a year because he had started lying a lot about very insignificant things. We were both head over heels for each other and the break up was devestating for both of us. We didn't go a day without talking and crying, and I hoped that by breaking up, he would see that I was serious about not lying to me anymore and we could get back together a few days later.

 

Instead, he went into a sort of self destructive stage where he began drinking a lot and lying even more. He changed a lot as a person in this short amount of time.

 

I completely blame myself for his change. Although he doesn't drink like that anymore, he seems to have completely lost himself since the day we broke up. He is guarded and untrusting especially towards me. We have tried multiple times to get back together, but his new attitude towards relationships and me is keeping it from going anywhere.

 

He used to be such a loving, caring person. I know that I can't take back what I did, but I've tried for so long to make it up to him and it doesn't seem to be working. I feel like I robbed the world of a great person. Is there any hope that he will eventually forgive me and go back to the person he used to be?

[durkadurka]

Long, LONG story short, about a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of about a year because he had started lying a lot about very insignificant things. We were both head over heels for each other and the break up was devestating for both of us. We didn't go a day without talking and crying, and I hoped that by breaking up, he would see that I was serious about not lying to me anymore and we could get back together a few days later.

 

Instead, he went into a sort of self destructive stage where he began drinking a lot and lying even more. He changed a lot as a person in this short amount of time.

 

I completely blame myself for his change. Although he doesn't drink like that anymore, he seems to have completely lost himself since the day we broke up. He is guarded and untrusting especially towards me. We have tried multiple times to get back together, but his new attitude towards relationships and me is keeping it from going anywhere.

 

He used to be such a loving, caring person. I know that I can't take back what I did, but I've tried for so long to make it up to him and it doesn't seem to be working. I feel like I robbed the world of a great person. Is there any hope that he will eventually forgive me and go back to the person he used to be?

 

Say exactly what you just said right here.

[heart of gold]

I have...he said he really appreciated it and that he wanted to find that person again. However, he hasn't shown much change since then...

[durkadurka]

I have...he said he really appreciated it and that he wanted to find that person again. However, he hasn't shown much change since then...

 

My ex put me on the path to being self destructive, ultimately, it's on us to find our path back.

 

Just tell him he doesn't have to do it alone, and that you can help him if he wants your assistance.

[heart of gold]

My ex put me on the path to being self destructive, ultimately, it's on us to find our path back.

 

Just tell him he doesn't have to do it alone, and that you can help him if he wants your assistance.

 

Thank you! I definitely don't want him to be alone with this.

[Ajax]

I have mixed feelings about your situation. On one hand it seems like you want to be with him and "fix" him out of guit. No healthy relationship can be based on guilt any more than it can endure lying.

 

On the other hand, there are so many of us who have been hurt and damaged (at least temporarily) by being left by the one we loved. Then we're told that for there to be any chance of them coming back and reconciling the relationship, we have to heal and become whole again. I've never been a fan of this "I broke you now fix yourself and maybe I'll come back" mentality. So kudos for understanding that you hurt him and aren't waiting for him to scrape himself off the ground before trying to make things right.

 

Just keep in mind that you're not fully responsible for his situation. If he was lying to you about insignificant things previously in the relationship then clearly he had issues. And ultimately it is his responsability to find his path back to being fulfilled and happy. And him having trouble trusting you is ultimately on him too. You haven't done anything truely unforgivable. He however has shown a propensity for dishonesty. If he can't trust himself you can't expect him to really trust anyone else either.

[heart of gold]

I agree with you completely. I know that he did have trust issues in the past with family and such, but I feel like I was the one person he thought he could always trust and was therefore the person who hurt him the most.

 

I also did get mad about small things A LOT so looking back on it I can see howo he could think that it would be better for us if he just didn't mention little things that he knew would upset me. I'm happy to say that I've completely worked out my issues with my short temper though since I realized it definitely contributed to all of our problems.

 

I feel guilty but I still care so much about him that I'm hoping that outweighs everything else. I just hope that he can find himself. Even now, although he isn't the same, there are days where he shows his old self more and I can't describe how happy he makes me. He truely was (and maybe still has the capability to be) a wonderful person.