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I dumped her, take her back after she begs for 3 months then dumps me after 2 weeks

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Old 4th November 2010, 2:59 PM   #1
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I dumped her, take her back after she begs for 3 months then dumps me after 2 weeks

Hello LS'ers,

My first post ...

I am 30, she is 22.

I met a girl and we hit it off right away... spending almost every weekend together... she would spend friday night through monday morning then leave for work. About 5 months into it we were drifting apart a little for some small issues and I instead of talking about it I think she figured we were going to break up soon or she was going to break up with me soon...

Without making this too long.. I find out that she was texting her ex boyfriend from about 4 years ago for the past month or so behind my back and she made it a point to hide it from me and also hide it from him that she was with me... so with all of this.. I break up with her. I did it in a nice civil way... explaining to her that with no trust there is no relationship and she lied about a big thing (we had a talk early in the relationship that we are exclusive and neither one of us will have any contact with any ex's)... I tried to keep it as nice as possible because she works at another company that I have to go to a couple of times a year. (no way to avoid that)

So about 1-2 times a month she would text me and try to get us talking again and I always let her down nicely since I want to keep things cool since I will eventually go to where she works. After about 3.5 months I ultimately softened my stance and figured maybe we can go on a date since she kept asking... so we go out.. end up having sex that night and pretty much are back together. She changed her cell phone number the next day and said she wanted a fresh start with me since she messed up the first time and didn't want anyone to have her number that shouldn't have it and wanted to regain my trust. (her words) She also said she wasn't going to go to an upcoming halloween party with her girlfriends because she doesn't want to give me any reasons not to trust her again in the beginning (her words again) I told her she doesn't have to be like that and that she can go but she still refused to go.

For the following two weeks she spent the nights both weekends and things seemed perfect just like they were in the beginning... like really good. No arguements or issues came up... then the monday following the second weekend she stayed with me out of nowhere she dumps me through texts... here they are compiled...

"I think its best we no longer see each other... I just cant make this work... i should have left things the way they were...i am having doubts...this isnt what I want, I just can't be with you...I don't feel it... I can't be myself with you, we are too different... I have feelings for you but as much as I try those feelings don't grow...

She refused to call and said it would just make things harder and after texting her numerous times to call me so we can talk she stopped texting and did also. Two days later she texts me... "I'm sorry about the other night. So many things were running through my mind I didn't know what to do. I'll understand if you never want to speak to me again. You didn't deserve that."

It has been about two weeks since she text me that and I still have not responded... I don't know what to do for sure... what she did was a slap in the face to me.. to take her back and then she dumps me after just two weeks over a text and can't even give me the courtesy of a phone call... her reasons for the break up are not event or personality specific since she didn't give any examples to back her reasoning (at least in my books) so I am left wondering what the heck happened or her reasoning for doing what she did... I want to talk to her.. and then I don't... I get mad... then I'll get sad... what hurts most is this time around I was dead serious on having another serious relationship with her... and it messes with my head/ego/confidence that a girl who messed up in the first place to ruin our relationship... begs to get me back for 3.5 months.. then when I do take her back she dumps me after just two short weeks...

Advice and help would greatly be appreciated... I need it. Thanks!!!
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Old 5th November 2010, 7:04 AM   #2
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From the sounds of it, she was holding on to you because she may not have known what else to do. Has she had much experience with relationships to show you she's not just impulsive etc?

this is a quick assumption but it honestly sounds like she broke up with you again in spite. Revenge. What not. Very immature.

I wouldn't spend another moment thinking about someone who thought that was an appropriate form of action to take. We're not in high school anymore.

Last edited by Cratsky; 5th November 2010 at 7:07 AM..
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Old 5th November 2010, 10:57 AM   #3
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She figured that what it took to get you back was her being a different person to the one you dumped, in all the ways she believed were necessary to make it work (not going to the party so you can trust her, etc).

After a couple weeks of being that person, she realised she didn't like it, couldn't keep up the act, and therefore couldn't be with you.

You told her she didn't have to make those sacrifices, but she chose not to listen. Perhaps it's just something she needed to learn the hard way. Either way, no use stressing over it. You did no wrong, and she doesn't have her head straight.
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Old 19th November 2010, 11:02 PM   #4
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Thanks for the replies crat and andy... both good points. She still has not contacted me since her last text where she apologized and I still have not replied in any way.

The hurt is not as bad as it was in the beginning but it still bothers me the way things took place... I'm still left without an answer or closure since it just happened out of nowhere. I'm disappointed in myself that it still bothers me a month later... I'm going to eventually run into her since she works at a place where we have to go for work related procedures... There is no way around it... I wish there was. So I'm not sure how I should even act... Its going to be awkward...

Any other advice/help/tips would be greatly appreciated... Thank you

Last edited by Goliath; 19th November 2010 at 11:05 PM..
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Old 19th November 2010, 11:08 PM   #5
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I would say she was never committed from the beginning. In my opinion it would be best to just let her go...even if it is hard.
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Old 20th November 2010, 12:18 AM   #6
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A few things about this struck me though I'm not sure they are any help.

I don't know how common it is for people to decide when in a relationship that neither party will have contact with exes. I would have thought that would depend on what the contact was and what the ex actually meant to that person. I have exes I am friends with now. There's no way I'd want to get into a romantic relationship with them but I still care and want to stay friends. I wouldn't want a partner telling me no contact. I'd expect him to trust me. Maybe there was something there initially which either made you not trust her or made her feel you didn't trust her because of these rules. Maybe she wasn't trustworthy -it's just that this scenario seems a bit regulated and controlled somehow right from the start.

You gave her another chance and she obviously felt she wanted one, but maybe somewhere at the back of her mind she still felt hurt that you'd dumped her (however justifiable) and that hurt and anxiety that it might happen again just ate away at her. I think it would be difficult going into a relationship where one has been dumped. The reasons are irrelevant: it happened and it could happen again. It would feel a very insecure situation. I suspect she tried it and the insecurity didn't go away, so she decided it wouldn't work. People make decisions based on their underlying, deep feelings. They aren't always aware of why they've made a particular decision, just that it was necessary.

I'm sorry this didn't work out. I get the feeling that although you wanted it to work, you would have had lots of anxieties about her past and her other ties and interests and that it was only a matter of time before this would have separated you anyway.
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Old 20th November 2010, 4:33 AM   #7
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thanks for the response spider... Its not the way you might have thought it was though... In the beginning she stated she didn't like contact with exes and I don't have contact with any of them anyway so that "rule" was fine with me. As far as giving her another chance, she was persistent for 3.5 months of trying to get back together and I gave it time to get over what had happened prior and give it time before getting back together right away so I didn't have anxiety and was 100% ready to give it another shot... Oh well.. that blew up in my face.

I know it shouldn't matter but I wish she feels horrible about everything she has done because of how painful this has been for me... not knowing exactly why she did what she did really bothers me... Especially after taking her back then pulling the stunt she did...I wish I didn't take her back...
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