Slowly reconnecting with ex

[metalman_ii]

Hey everyone,

 

 

My ex gf and I broke up about 2 months ago after about 1 year of going out. She went into a brief rebound for a month and has been single for about 2-3 weeks now. She reached out to me last week after I went NC with her for about 4 weeks. She told me that she missed me and that she still loved me and that she wanted to see me again. We met up for the first time over lunch and then we decided to go see a movie.

 

She told me over lunch that her rebound was a big mistake, and that she doesn't feel her life is stable enough to get back into dating right now. We both agreed that we loved each other and that we should take it slow, and not jump right back into a relationship. She expressed that she wants space right now and she wants to get her life in order and socialize more for the time being. I agreed, and I told her the same thing, I felt it was for the best. I made it clear to her however that we need to make progress to either reach one of two decisions: 1) There is a future for us or 2) There is no future for us and we should go our separate ways. The last time she tried to be my "friend" I shot her down, and she knows very clearly that I will not waste my time.

 

At the movie, she rested her head on my arm, which is what she used to do when we were together. When we were "friends" (fresh from the breakup, before I seriously initiated NC), she still showed very subtle signs of affections (brief holding of hands here and there) but no head resting on my arm or allowing me to kiss her on the cheek.

 

I hung out with her again yesterday and we made friendly conversation. Overall, we had fun. Afterwards, we started talking about us again. I made it clear to her that we need to be making progress. She expressed that one of the reasons she wants to take it slow is because she's not ready to get back into a relationship again. She told me that she made it very clear to her friends (mostly guys) that she is not going to be dating for some time, just having fun and getting her life back together. She has been socializing quite a bit actually.

 

Honestly, I believe her, because she was a mess these past 2 months from what I heard, and her life was a bit crazy when we were going out together for that year. I honestly think it was a mature thing that she said and I respect her for that. She used to rebound all the time, but this time, she actually stopped and didn't just rebound to the next guy. She made a conscious decision to be single. She even put her status on Facebook as "In A Relationship" so that no guys try to hit her up when they see her as "Single"

 

She contacts me frequently and I never have to initiate contact at all. I do get the feeling that she is playing "hard to get" though. This week, we were planning on hanging out again. She wanted to do Thursday, even though I had arranged for us to meet on Friday. She tells me that Friday doesn't work, and she wants to see me Thursday instead. I said "No, I'm busy" Then she asks me if I can see her tonight. Again, I said no. After like 2 hours, she texts me back and says, "I changed my plans to Thursday, lets meet on Friday." and I accepted. She called me like 10 minutes ago after she texted me what I was doing. I told her I was "hanging out." She then calls me, chats a little bit, then I tell her that I have to go and that I'll call her after I get back home. She told me, "Nah, I'm gonna be out, we'll talk later." I was cool and said "Ok. Talk later."

 

So, the question is this. We both clearly stated we love each other, but we both want to take it slow. Should I continue just having these outings with her and see where this goes? Or am I just wasting my time?

[Don Ho]

So, the question is this. We both clearly stated we love each other, but we both want to take it slow. Should I continue just having these outings with her and see where this goes? Or am I just wasting my time?

 

DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!

 

Bro she is using you for comfort and to have "someone" there .... until she meets the right guy. Then you're done. I was in a similar situation when one of my Exes came back to me a few years ago, "let's go slow" she said "I want things to work". Naive me, I went with it. I found out what it really meant was 'I want to see you and have sex with you when I want, but I'm going to tell you we should go slow and ease back into a relationship because I'm screwing another guy and I don't want either of you to figure it out'. And that, my friend, is EXACTLY what happened.

 

Now. Let me tell you what my 74 year old Dad told me before he passed away: "a woman is ALWAYS ready". That means when a woman meets or is with the RIGHT guy, they are ready and willing to get involved. He was RIGHT. Funny how we think older people don't know what they're talking about or haven't been "through it".

 

Intentionally or not, this woman is PLAYING you. It doesn't matter which it is, you WILL get dumped. If it were me, I wouldn't even give her an explanation, I would stop calling her and throw her number away. You're in for more heartache if you don't. Take heed Bro.

[metalman_ii]

I hear ya bro. It's very possible she's playing with me. That's why I'm looking for guidance on how patient I should be before pulling the trigger. I have still maintained the focus on myself and I'm actively looking for other women to date in the meantime. I'm not placing my eggs in one basket, that's for sure.

 

The major issue that caused us to break up was that I had a problem with her social habits. Don't get me wrong, I love the girl for who she is, but I started taking her for granted. Over time, I wanted to love her for who should could be. I started judging her, and using things she honestly told me about her past against her. Eventually it reached a breaking point.

 

During our time together once more, she's become more comfortable talking about her social life to me again, and she's seen that I don't react or judge her any longer. I've learned from the mistake, and maybe she's waiting to see if I truly did change before pulling the trigger?

[strength-abounds]

You're Plan B dude.

[metalman_ii]

Well, we went out yesterday. We went to a gun range and then went to see a movie. We had a lot of fun. I can tell she's starting to become more comfortable with me now. We held hands a few times and she rested herself on my arm and body - multiple times, like on the train to the city, the taxi ride home and the movie theater (which she never did during the brief period when we were "friends")

 

Still no kiss on the mouth though. When I used to go out with her, she believed that was the most intimate thing you can do with another. For now I'm playing it cool and seeing where it goes. I'm maintaning a confident image and not trying to be all sappy with her with things like "I love you" since we already had established that. She's admitted to talking to other people about me as well, in reference to some cool things we did in the past.

 

I'm thinking of giving it a few more weeks then reaching a decision on whether to give our relationship a second chance or cutting it off completely. What do you guys think?

 

I'm well aware I could just be a Plan B. That's why I've been actively dating in the meantime. It would be nice to get back with my ex, but I'm not going to die if I don't.

[Don Ho]

I think she's just using you for comfort. I don't think she means to, but I think she's using you.

[metalman_ii]

I do have that nagging feeling too. That's why I've been hedging my bets by focusing on myself and still prospecting for dates with other women.

 

I read your guide and I'm definitely following it to the best of my ability, Don. Got any more advice on this? Like how can I find out beyond a shadow of a doubt if she's sincere or not about her intentions? How much time should I give her before I let go of her completely?

 

I realize she could be using me, but there's always that possibility that she isn't and genuinely wants to take it slow to see if I've changed enough for her to take a dive into another relationship with me.

[Don Ho]

I think you need to keep meeting other women with the idea that it really is over. I don't think there's anything you can say or ask her to get a straight answer. She may really not know herself, but her her words that she wants a break speak volumes. I just think you better assume she's done or you'll get broad sided when she really tells you. In my experience "taking it slow" is just and excuse and womaneze for "I'm really not that into you anymore, but I'm trying". Again, she may not even be conscious of what she's doing.