broken engagement .. broken dreams(long read

[Theforgottenmelody]

In 2000 I met my now ex fiancee ten years ago coincidentally after i caught my first fiancee (college sweetheart cheating). nevertheless i was heartbroken. when i met her i wasnt attracted to her or anybody else for that fact. but it was her compassion personality that kept me coming around and she provided a sense of comfort. i was really screwed up behind the previous relationship and she was a rebound of sorts altough i never really referred to her that way. she was more of a temporary friend that would prolly fizzle out after a couple conversations. But what happend was although i told her i didnt want a relationship marriage ,kids (i was 21 at the time) she stuck by me . I played in the NFL for seven years ( she hated it) and i was always gone for the most part of the year but i never cheated or anything(i actually pride myself on that). Prior to that i took me a while to warm up to possiblility of us because i had yet to deal with my issues i just bottled it up. and i would have left in a wink had she called. However in 2002 when she finaly called, i went but never touched her and thats when my feeling began to focus on her. but now my problem is being selfish stubborn and not allowing love into my heart, in fact i would try to sabotage the relationship when it got hot. she never knew what i had been through she only knew of the girl. But she always assured me that she never would hurt me. and i know i was the center of her world. fast forward a couple years 2005, im still growing and maturing but i am light years away form where i was and she is the sole reason. im now head over heels in love knowing she will be my wife just still afraid to say when. i never told her because she wanted it so bad i didnt want to tell her and then still have that fear i wanted 100% readiness. But i knew how it hurt her and i loved her more than myself at times. In 2007 in decided that football was not imortant to me anymore, neither was money or any material thing, she was all i needed whether it be a house or a cardboard box, so i retired to concentrate fullly on her(no regrets). it fekt good not to have to call her 50 times a day being gone and i was sooo happy to be home full time and so was she. 2008 i decided it was time and the engagement would be xmas 09. during that year she pressed more and more but i played cool because i didnt want her to know that it was already in motion but she has no patientce. i wanted kids marriage the whole shabang and was beyond ready. I thanked god for her all the time and financially our sacrifices paid off. We both had good jobs was home daily, i learned to cook for her,clean etc. but then her attitude started changing , she began blaming me for everuthing and nthing i ever did was good enough anymore. i attributed it to her wanting to get married so i stopped the planning and took her too the jewleryshop and told her if she found one she liked i was getting it and i felt even better. After we got eneaged i just loved to see her with that ring her finger and to know she would be my wife the following year gave me goosebumps. but shortky after the engaement things went south. she accused me of not participating in panning the wedding which is true because i have no taste and no clue about planning a wedding.( hindsite i should have at least listened). I discovered some questionable actions on her part (she denied it) i let it go cause afterall that was never a issue. but when the attitude worstended i move out just to see if she wanted the relationship( three times totaling two days four hours). both times she cam around only to relapse back into that same mode. the thrid time she didnt want me to come back saying i would do it again, I said if i wanted to leave i would at least take my stuff and not even call. i still paid all the bills etc. for six months in which she acted like a complete b***h. We were separated for six months during which time i devoted my entire brain to her and i completely shut down. No gym, no friends , no life i even broke down at work a couple times. I admitted my flaws ( we all have them) finally told her everthing about my past, and it felt really good. I coudltn talk to hr without crying and im not a cryer! she became colder treating me like i was nothing and the entire time i held onto the fact that this is a bump and it will make us better years later. She basically wated this perfect life and fantasy world that doesnt exist,i told her im not perfect she said cause your not trying to be lol. She wanted me to be a miror image of her, be psychic in her words if you just do what i say everything would be perfect. I admit she helped me alot with alot but im not a dog either and her way is not always the right way. but xmas 2009 her family got to see a video i made of us and the whole house cried ( i remember every things in our relationship) but she said why couldnt i do that six years earlier. i tld her im going to always make mistakes, we will argue disagree, run into obstacles, etc thats what a relationship is. if you have no room for growth that means you are perfect. This person that she had become was nothing like the woma i fell in love with and i have a pretty good idea why. Then she decided that she wanted to get married again and it made me so happy and after everthing was paid for in Jan 2010 she just called everuthyinh off like it was nothing and even said im selfish for bing upset, asked me to cancel all the plans which i didnt do cause i no longer cared anymore, se was just like the others and that killed me. Now im alone refusing to date alhtough i did have a rebound partnert which was akward to say the least. so i ended that .now woman pour in but the wall is so high ad thick i can t even see them and refuse to have sex or go out with anybody. its been nine months i need help. also its been two months NC i never call her becasue when i talk i go back to depression mode so now i just surpress everything and try to feel nothing, any Advice would help in now 31 alone,afraid , confused,angry and bitter. I still am in live with her but i dnt have any delusions and im not waiting for her im just scared to move on without her( if that makes any sense). Its the same situation ten years later. I know what she did but i just want to know why! i thoguht love conquers evrything but love is evol too! sh could have been honest with me form the beggining but lets face it who actually does that!