My Break-up any insight

[HoldingPatterns]

I've been surfing this site for awhile and it's really helped me out.

A little details about my last relationship. We met at a party, dated 2 years. Currently I'm 26 and she's 21. We had few fights, planned our future together, and were seemingly in love...At least I was.

 

The last 3 months of our relationship I had moved out of my parents house and was living in my own apartment and struggling to make it. She all the while supportive and loving yet becoming increasingly distant i.e less time hanging out, no real communication of her feelings, little physical intamacy. I didn't see the red flags or chose to ignore them i guess.

 

The Break Up:

 

She goes out of town with family and I give the usual have fun, I'll miss you.

 

A friend asks me if we're still dating I say yeah. She says oh weird her facebook doesn't mention you at all. I think nothing of it (I don't have a facebook).

 

A friend of a friend asks if were still together. I say yeah. He says the last time he saw her she was trashed and peeing on his porch. I ask when was that. He says like a month ago. I think weird I don't recall that. Hmmm....

 

I text her and inquire about it. Her: No denial, just anger that I would ask her about it. texting turns heated. She hints around breaking up, and throws all kind of non issues at me. Well maybe they were issues to her, though I never knew about it. I say she doesn't have to be with me. She says what does that make us, I say IDK. She says we'll talk when she gets back. I say K.

 

When we see eachother 3 days later. We are cool at least friendly cool. No intamacy just kinda chillin. I ask her whats up. She breaks down(crys)

Her: I don't know what I want. All my friends are doing stuff. I just want to be single. I don't know if I want to be with you or not. No one will ever love me as much as you. All my exs would call me names and be mad at me when I broke up with them.

Me: I get it. I was 21 once too. Don't let me stand in your way. I love you. Lets not say were breaking up we're just not together right now.

Her: You're awesome I just want to be me for a bit. Thank You.

 

Aftermath:

 

Week one: Denial, (The Stringing)

 

So we broke up but she still wanted to hang out in the days after. Cuddling Yes! Kiss on Cheeks, Forehead Yes! Anything Else! No.

Me: You sure their's not another guy, I won't be mad.

Her: Of course not I don't want to date anyone. We'll end up together.

 

And i'm cool with things. I feel good. I learned from other relationships that you can't make people love you or force them to be with you. at the end of the week she says she's going away with a girlfriend and her parents. I say cool have fun.

 

That weekend I want to know what her state of mind is so I check her facebook. Big Mistake. Profile Picture her and a Guy i've never seen together arms around eachother. Looks like they have been dating for years.

 

Now don't get me wrong I don't know and will never know if this was just someting that happend or if this was already there. I don't want to know.

BTW she didn't go out of town with a girlfriend and her parents.

 

Week two: Anger, Sadness (Validation)

 

So she gets back and I choose not to say anything we don't see eachother in fact I haven't seen her since. (a month 1/2 ago) but we text. I ask her how her trip was she says great! I say i'm glad you had fun. Same day I get the best of me and text her every mean thing in the book! I hate her and I feel good about it. For about an hour. I am now broken!

Her only response to my onslaught of mean texts: He's not my man and I knew even on a break I couldn't do anything.

 

The next day I apologize.

Me: I'm sorry I over reacted to what I saw. You're single. You have every right.

Her: (No Apology) I don't hate you. There were no intentions it just happend. We've known eachother for years and just reconnected.

 

So throughout this week I push to be her friend. No begging, pleading, crying for her to be with me. Just as a friend. My logic: Rather in my life than out.

 

The week goes like this: (Mind you all through text)

Me: did you ever feel what I felt. Am I important too you. If you like this guy go for it. I just want you to be happy. You're an amazing person. I will always love you even if we're not together. We're you unhappy?

Her: I loved you very much + I still have lots of love for you. Yes Very. I dunno if I want to date him. You can be happy too. You're very sweet, kind, and understanding. You're a blessing. I was indifferent. Let's just put this past us.

 

All the while I would suggest we hang out, get a bite to eat, chill. She always made an excuse. I.E. my friend wants me to go with her to get her nails done, I don't feel good, my mom's lecturing me.

 

So I text her and say the old I'm always there for you. Be happy. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Blah Blah Blah.

 

She says she's always there for me. Be happy too. No real indication of any feelings for me she has or might have had.

 

She's partying (new tattoo's and piercings. Pics online of drunken nights)and living it up and I'm sad and chillin. The way it goes. and I enter NC

 

Week three: Acceptance (Acceptance)

 

She breaks NC wishes me good days at work, when I respond it's thank yous and mindless chit chat (No talk of the relationship). I never initiate texts. I try to joke a bit through the friendly banter. She responds with an LOL or Ahahaha. That's it I don't respond so as not drag out the convo.

 

And that's where it's at.

 

I'm healing, I'm excepting. I still pine, but what can you do. I go up and down. I feel mad that she did this when all i wanted was to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel happy she's not tied down. I feel weird our live's have branched off. I feel sick she's doing god knows what or who. I feel relief she's free. I feel forgivness she's young. I feel like I lost someone very amazing to me. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like it's her fault. I feel like it's life. I feel like I won't know her anymore. I feel like I never knew her. I feel like she doesn't know her.

 

And that's it. My only assumption as too what she thinks is I gave her an easy out. I took her for face value and didn't fight, didn't hate, and didn't beg. I freed her or she took her freedom. I will always love her, but I know it wasn't meant to be. She can text me whenever and I will respond. Just friendly no dredging up the past. I heal while in LC (Never Initiate). I know she is with other guys (I know her... Serial Dater, Party Goer, Lots and Lots of Male friends.) and it's ok because I had my time with her. I know she is happy and inevitably so am I.

 

Such is Life.

 

Any comments, questions, input. Please feel free.

[skydiveaddict]

You seem to be holding up very well, to keep it that way stay FAR away from her. Don't look at her fb page anymore, It will only bring you misery.Also I would delete her phone#, email and any other contacts you have w/her. If she texts, don't even read it. Delete it. If she calls, don't answer , same with email. Good luck to ya

[D-Lish]

Being friends with an ex never works. Ultimately you'd have to deal with them moving on, dating someone else- remaining friends means knowing the details of their lives that don't include you in the way you want them to. Staying friends with an ex only invites further pain, and it's not worth it. You are doing the right thing by staying clear of her.

 

It's best not to know anything about what she's up to. That means no texting, no contact whatsoever.

 

Yes, at the age of 21- she's still a kid- not everyone is capable of staying focused on a serious relationship at that point. I know I was all over the place at that age. I wanted to explore the world, explore myself, and the thought of being tied down "forever" was a hard reality to accept.

 

It's not enough to not see her- you have to cut out all contact so you can move on. Even a text every couple of days can keep you in limbo.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[bobo113]

Agreed. Don't respond to the texts- it will only dredge up more emotions for you each time. Use that energy instead to think about yourself.

[HoldingPatterns]

Thanks Guys.

 

Yeah I just got back with hanging out with an old ex (7-8 years ago;the one that I felt is my soulmate) and it was super fun.

 

I'm trying to be friends with this current ex in a "she isnt coming back" way and really I miss her, but I don't want her back. She wasn't right for me. I appreciate the feedback. She was the first g/f that I felt I tried my best with, the most mature relationship on my part. Meaning I communicated my wants and needs and listened to whatever she had to say. I realize now she was very immature. She tried to be "grown-up" for me and it didn't last. Can't blame her.

 

I am moving on and I feel good. I guess I added my story so others can see that even when Sh*t doesn't work out, life goes on. I see alot of sad people at Loveshack and it makes me sad to an extent.

 

You have to realize that Relationships don't always work. It's the good times that matter. She meant alot to me, but she made her decision and it didn't include me. I really do hope she finds what she is looking for. I'm a Hopeless Romantic. I've had four major girlfriends in my life. The most recent, I would have married, but she was too young. At 21 people don't know what they want; at 26 I do.

 

For everyone that is heartbroken, just live your lives for real. Like I said, I hung out today with an ex that I dated when she was 16 and I was 18. She told me I was her true love. She has a B/F and a kid with him and she's happy. We hung out just as friends, but it really boosted my confidence because at the time of our (mine and this exexex's break up) I thought i'd never see her again. Now I know I was her first true love and she told me that, today at 23. so F it, a girl breaks up with you and you think: woe is me. Well if it's a civil break up I.E. no Begging, Pleading, Animosity. You'll get over it, and you can probably chill with them years down the road and be told you really meant something to them.

 

Again thanks for the feed back.

Edited September 12, 2010 by HoldingPatterns