Love or Fantasy? I believe she was cheating with another guy

[BklynGuy]

Hello All,

 

 

My ex dumped me 5 weeks ago. I loved her with all of my heart and soul. She was Italian and I'm black. We had our struggles, and ups and downs. In general, she'd only hang out w/me at night. We were together for 4 1/2 years. I now wonder if she was just stringing me along. She wouldn't stand by me when I needed her or when times got rough. Our first year together was great. Year 2 and 3 were good. Year 3 we began to have problems. I began to suspect she was cheating. I had a female friend(co-worker) at my job. She turned out to be my enemy and tried to drive a wedge between myself and everyone I knew, and succeeded in many ways. I didn't tell my ex some things about our friendship and when I finally did, she was very angry!

 

 

She began making sly comments but I never cheated with this girl. After that, everything seemed to change between us. Her feelings didn't seem as strong as they once were. She began to throw the friendship in my face all the time. In the past 15 months, something really seemed to be wrong. She had new clothes and bags, and necklaces etc. all the time. When I asked her about it she would deny it. I once drove past her aunt's house looking for her car. I drove around the block twice and it wasn't there. I asked her about it and she lied and said it was and I actually began to doubt myself. I quit 2 jobs in 4 years and she would always leave when I wasn't working. She told me last year that she wants to be married by age 26. She was 24 and I was 23 at the time. I told her I couldn't marry her due to my financial situation at that time. She broke up with me and then we got back together 1 week later. Her first words were "What if this doesn't work out?" I thought this was odd but went back with her anyway. I left another job in May 2003. I then stayed at home to figure out why I kept running into problems at my jobs. As I was home the relationship began going downhill. We didn't see eachother a lot of the time. Her family didn't like me due to my skin color. Im black and shes italian. I never met them in all these years. She would always tell me they accepted me but their actions stated otherwise. They never asked me how I was doing or anything.

 

In mid july I told her I don't think they accept me. She said they did and I told her their actions speak louder than her words. I also told her she's too secretive and always seemed to be hiding something. She then said we shouldn't be together. I believe she was cheating with another guy. What do you think? Was I just being strung along?

[Tony T]

You don't give enough information to determine with certainty that she was cheating on you. However, I don't think she was honest with you about other things and I feel she knew her parents had reservations about the relationship. When a lady's parents aren't excited about their daughter's relationship, that's a very hard battle to fight.

 

At any rate, I think this is one you need to walk away from and begin to heal. I hope you learned something from this. If a lady doesn't wish to see you during daylight hours, something smells pretty badly. I think your sensitivity to your being black and her being Italian is justified.

 

This is something that probably went on longer than it should have. The pain will be more tolerable as time passes. Just learn from this experience.

 

Whether or not she was cheating on you is pretty much immaterial at this point in time. There is no reason to trouble yourself with the answer, one way or the other.

[midori]

Originally posted by BklynGuy

I began to suspect she was cheating. I had a female friend(co-worker) at my job. She turned out to be my enemy and tried to drive a wedge between myself and everyone I knew, and succeeded in many ways. I didn't tell my ex some things about our friendship and when I finally did, she was very angry!

 

Did you begin to suspect your ex before or after you began to develop this friendship with your co-worker?

 

Why did you neglect to mention "some things" about your friendship with your co-worker? Because you knew your ex wouldn't approve? Because you knew that no one would approve?

 

 

She began making sly comments but I never cheated with this girl. After that, everything seemed to change between us. Her feelings didn't seem as strong as they once were. She began to throw the friendship in my face all the time.

 

soooo .... why didn't you clear things up definitively? Why didn't you make it absolutely clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the co-worker meant nothing to you?

 

You seem to be a bit passive about what transpired: you formed a friendship that was or was made out to be inappropriate with your co-worker -- bad judgement either way (you knew that something wasn't kosher or you wouldn't have kept things from your gf). But it was the evil co-worker's fault that your gf got the wrong idea. And then it was your gf's fault that she didn't trust you.

 

In mid july I told her I don't think they accept me. She said they did and I told her their actions speak louder than her words. I also told her she's too secretive and always seemed to be hiding something. She then said we shouldn't be together. I believe she was cheating with another guy. What do you think? Was I just being strung along?

 

OK, so you know your ex wants to get married in the next couple of years; one assumes to a financially viable man. Yet you are without a job at the moment, and you've had difficulty keeping jobs. So that's an obvious strike against you, no matter how genuine her love for you.

 

Then there's this bizarre situation with your co-worker. You can't seem to appreciate why your ex would be mistrustful of you after that, but I think it's very easy to understand. Try a bit harder. And then you're suspicious of your gf -- without any substantial evidence (does she work herself? couldn't she have bought the new clothes?). Yeah, I'd want to break up with you. And it wouldn't have anything to do with racial differences.

 

It sounds like you've got a lot of internal issues to resolve before you're really going to be ready for a serious long-term relationship. You're right to think that you need to examine why you keep having difficulties at work -- gotta figure that out and put an end to it. And you need to wise up to how you conduct yourself in a relationship. Don't form inappropriate friendships with scheming women. If you can't spot a scheming woman when you see one, then just stop forming intimate friendships with women, period, when you have a girlfriend.

 

Lastly, you're very young. It's natural that you've got some growing to do, some lessons to learn. Heck, I'm nearly a decade older than you and I'm learning important things about myself every day; things that have been tripping me up. What I'm getting at is, since you've recognized you have some work to do, do it. Don't try to rush it.

 

I don't think you're in the right place in your life to be in a long-term, heavily committed relationship, which is what marriage is. Your ex has recognized this, and since she has apparently made marriage a short-term goal for herself, you're not in the running. I'm afraid you'll just have to come to terms with it. And then get to work on the changes you need to make in your life.

 

You'll meet someone else, sooner than you think. And if you've been working on your issues, who knows what great things will happen next time?

 

Good luck.

[BklynGuy]

I began to suspect my ex was stabbing me in the back before the co-worker situation. My ex was obese and the co-worker wasn't so my ex g/f was insecure about the friendship. She does have a job but she NEVER got those many new gifts until after that situation. Also, she knew things that transpired between myself and the co-worker that I never told her. When we discussed marriage, I told her I couldn't do it because of my financial situation. She agreed and said she would stick by me. I don't believe marriage was ever in our future because her family didn't approve of me. The co-worker used to call me "Uncle" all the time. When my ex began recieving gifts, her "uncle" had always bought them for her. I find it very strange indeed. If I bought 1 expensive bag for her, the 'uncle' would buy a bag and shoes for her. It was just too strange for coincidence. I just wonder if she was stringing me along the whole time.