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I want to make sense of this


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(YES, I know I posted this on another site. I am just looking for as much input as possible.)

 

 

My ex's relationship history was plagued by neglect (husband) and abuse (last two BFs). We were together 6 months then engaged. Throughout our relationship she would often say comments like:

 

"I don't know why YOU would be with ME.",

 

"You are the only person who has ever listened to me."

 

"I sometimes feel I don't deserve to be with you.",

 

"You have no idea how much I appreciate finally being with an emotionally mature man."

 

"Why would you want to be with only me for the rest of your life?"

 

This was a beautiful, smart, highly educated, professional woman saying things like this.

 

A couple of days after reaffirming her love for me in numerous ways including asking me to move UP our wedding date, she told me she was going to give her last boyfriend (who was emotionally abusive) another chance. He put on the full court press to reconcile after he found out we were engaged. This would have been the 4th reconciliation. Each time he initiated it and changed his mind.

 

Yes, I know the obvious answer is she was not ready for another relationship, but what about those specific comments and returning to an abusive relationship?

 

I am maintaing NC. I know reconcilitation is NOT an option. NO, I don't want to be with someone like that. BUT my head is still spinning about what happened.

 

Thoughts?

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The easiest and most obvious answer is: she isn't over him and never was. Not to psycho-analyze too deeply, but people of low self-esteem generally tolerate abuse because they somehow feel they deserve it. Perhaps it's a fear of commitment; dating an a-hole gives one an easy excuse if you want out. Maybe she's a fixer; loves the challenge. Whatever the case, he's got the key and you don't. If you don't mind me saying, you caught a huge break finding out now, instead of later.

 

It's the same for many men; attracted to the woman who's bad for them.

 

Regarding her comments, every one of them is a huge red flag. At the time it might have felt complimentary, but look deeper and you'll see the trouble that eventually surfaced. No doubt she was trying to talk herself into loving you, but Mr. X knows what to say, and when to say it, and when he makes his move their game continues. You've learned a valuable lesson at a discount price. I know you said you're done but please mean it. This'll suck the life out of you if you let it.

Edited by Steadfast
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