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I have been with my boyfriend for over a year, everything has been great for the vast majority of that year. From the beginning we were spending nearly all of our free time together, I have always liked to have some me time, for a while I was taking a night class so that was a good time for me to be alone. Other times I would go out with the girls for a night, he'd complain a little, eventually he figured out that I needed my time. I've never had a relationship like this my longest two relationships were with one guy who traveled for a living and was home about half the time and the other was long distance, so it's been an adjustment and I feel like I have had to push for any time apart outside of work.

 

He got laid off in March and I have a high paced job where I work 40-50 hours per week, so when I get home I want to be able to relax for a little while before going out. He usually ends up sitting at home all day because he doesn't know what to do by himself no matter what I might suggest.

 

For the last week or so I have been feeling like he isn't the right guy for me, and I feel like I don't have that great of a reason. I have started to notice little things like him getting a jealous that I am talking to a group of guys that we (even if there are other girls around) at our rec league games, or him staring down my ex from several years ago (who he has met and talked to several times with no problem) at a bar we all go to all the time and it's not just me who notices. He seems to not have many opinions about anything anymore, I ask what he wants for dinner and he says "I don't know" or "I don't care."

 

I know that not being able to find a job is getting to him, he has a good friend in the same field who has been unemployed in the same field since December who has not had any leads either and I know that they are both trying.

 

I don't know if I am being ridiculous about this of if I have some validity behind it and what I should do.

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AlwaysConflicted

Ah sh*t, is it because he doesn't have a job right now?

 

I just went through this with my ex. She was looking for a man who would take care of her which I was doing until I lost my job. She started to pull away from me when I got laid off because I lost confidence, became a little moody, apathetic, and overall disappointed in myself.

 

Losing a job can be extremely traumatic and stressful, especially for a man. We're taught that our jobs define us and we must be providers. Our self esteem goes out the window.

 

Before you break up with the guy, please think real hard about the reason. Maybe it would help to have a conversation with him. He needs you right now more than ever.

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OP, here's my short list:

 

Do you 'mesh' well? IOW, when you are together (before he lost his job) do you feel a synergy, like the sum of you is greater/more satisfying than the mere adding of the parts?

 

Are your emotional and communication styles compatible? When you have disagreed, how does that go?

 

Has your attraction historically been high?

 

 

My sense is you are lukewarm about this man, and perhaps men in general, and find solo pursuits to more completely define a positive path for yourself. An intimate relationship is something nice to have around, but not really essential. Tell me, if you were to break up with this man, would/could you live alone for a couple years without dating or pursuing another LTR? Why?

 

IMO, the healthiest path is one of accepting *yourself*. If that means breaking up with this man to achieve that acceptance, OK. If he was right for you, you wouldn't break up with him, presuming you're healthy. Acceptance will help, regardless of the outcome.

 

Subsequent to my separation, I heard some horrific stories from my best friend of how my now stbx would complain to him about my not having a job. Well, duh, I didn't have a job when she married me. I own my own business. Bottom line, her attraction was low, she really didn't care to be a team player and she certainly didn't support me in any of my pursuits and, moreover, complained to *my* friends about it.

 

Just wanted you to know where my perspective is coming from. I'm happy to be rid of her. Surprisingly, most of my friends are too. YMMV. Good luck :)

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Ah sh*t, is it because he doesn't have a job right now?

 

I just went through this with my ex. She was looking for a man who would take care of her which I was doing until I lost my job. She started to pull away from me when I got laid off because I lost confidence, became a little moody, apathetic, and overall disappointed in myself.

 

Losing a job can be extremely traumatic and stressful, especially for a man. We're taught that our jobs define us and we must be providers. Our self esteem goes out the window.

 

Before you break up with the guy, please think real hard about the reason. Maybe it would help to have a conversation with him. He needs you right now more than ever.

 

I don't think it's the lack of a job necessarily, but lack of motivation, if that makes sense. He doesn't do much anymore, his days while I am at work consist of going to goodwill, value village or whatever other thrift store in town and finding puzzles and books, he does this once every 2 weeks or so. Reads said books and completes puzzles, watches star trek (?), what ever other tv shows on tv/DVD, has done a few fixing up projects around his apt. I think he has gone out on his bike 5 times total, gone on walks maybe a dozen times. That is all that I know of.

 

We are on 2 different coed sports teams at night so we do that after I get off work, of the other 3 nights a week I usually try and get one to myself to work on applications to graduate programs or have a drink with the girls, the other 2 and the weekends he is clingy and wants me to be up doing something at all times.

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Here are my answers:

OP, here's my short list:

 

Do you 'mesh' well? for the most part IOW, when you are together (before he lost his job) do you feel a synergy, like the sum of you is greater/more satisfying than the mere adding of the parts? yes

 

Are your emotional and communication styles compatible? somewhat, emotional yes, communication not as much, he's more quiet says simple yes or no answers generally, I elaborate more. When you have disagreed, how does that go? he's usually quiet, I try to talk and figure out what is going on

 

Has your attraction historically been high? yes

 

 

My sense is you are lukewarm about this man, and perhaps men in general, and find solo pursuits to more completely define a positive path for yourself. I have had a rough past with guys, been cheated on several times, both after long (2+ year) relationships so the lukewarm about men in general is getting better the more I am around better men. An intimate relationship is something nice to have around, but not really essential. Tell me, if you were to break up with this man, would/could you live alone for a couple years without dating or pursuing another LTR? Why? I would most definitely not wait a couple year maybe a couple months.

 

IMO, the healthiest path is one of accepting *yourself*. If that means breaking up with this man to achieve that acceptance, OK. If he was right for you, you wouldn't break up with him, presuming you're healthy. Acceptance will help, regardless of the outcome. exactly... that's the part I am not sure about, and I am not sure why I have started feeling this way now all of a sudden, nothing changed a week ago.

 

Subsequent to my separation, I heard some horrific stories from my best friend of how my now stbx would complain to him about my not having a job. Well, duh, I didn't have a job when she married me. I own my own business. Bottom line, her attraction was low, she really didn't care to be a team player and she certainly didn't support me in any of my pursuits and, moreover, complained to *my* friends about it. I was typing as you were... but I think it's more of the lack of motivation, he doesn't do much of anything with his time, watches tv, some small handiman stuff around his apartment, puzzles, goodwill shopping, minimal bikeriding, some job searching. Almost like he stores up his energy for when I get off work.

 

Just wanted you to know where my perspective is coming from. I'm happy to be rid of her. Surprisingly, most of my friends are too. YMMV. Good luck :)

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Thanks for the responses.

 

Prior to him losing his job, would you describe both of you as 'high energy' personalities, or did you notice marked differences in your personality styles prior.

 

Great example.... Stbx is a stylist. High energy workplace. She gets done and wants to come home and veg. Me, I work essentially alone. Me, machines, some customers and a cat. I liked engaging with her after she got home since, after all, we were married, even though I worked just as 'hard' as she did. We had markedly different 'styles', personality-wise. MC suggested 'quiet time'. That turned into evenings of 'quiet time' and then into days and weeks of quiet time. Our styles of engagement and energy were elementally incompatible. Finally, combined with the other pressures I was under, I cracked.

 

Since you have high attraction, you are perhaps motivated to 'bend' more, mitigated somewhat by the realization that you aren't married so can 'break up' easily at any time.

 

Personally, I'd recommend 'feeling-based' communication first. If he responds as per usual, with nods and 'sorry' and 'OK', then, IMO, hit the bricks. This guy isn't LTR material, at least right now. You don't owe him the sacrifice of yourself at his altar of depression or whatever he's going through. Caution: If he has 'been there' for you during difficult periods in your life, weigh that. Such dynamics reflect upon you and your part in a relationship and, personally, your character. If he was there for you, supporting you and encouraging you, examine that value.

 

To me, just as in my marriage, the dynamics here are more about compatibility rather than who is 'right' and who is 'wrong'. The only 'wrong' I'll identify is my making the unhealthy choice to have an EA rather than straight up divorce stbx. That was wrong. Everything else was what it was.

 

Lastly, again reading your title, a thought occurs. There comes a time in a relationship where you know each other well, warts and weaknesses are exposed, and you lose some (or all) of that 'infatuation high' which imbues the honeymoon period. You're likely in the post-honeymoon period now, if together over a year. Will a deeper, more elemental bond grow, supplanting the initial bonding experiences? Unknown.

 

Any recent dreams about the ex who cheated on you? I ask because, sometimes, the past can intrude on one's present, causing stress and ambivalence. Insight?

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Thanks for the responses.

 

Prior to him losing his job, would you describe both of you as 'high energy' personalities, or did you notice marked differences in your personality styles prior. I don't know that I noticed then, I suppose that now I would say that I had higher energy the majority of the time outside of work. His job was pretty much a sit down in front of a computer kind of job, although there were weeks where he was flying across the country and back in 72 hours or less, so he worked long weeks but not necessarily high activity. I am working in a doctors office, it's very busy I never stop, sometimes not even for lunch. I usually go home and sit for 20-30 min then I'm good to do anything, now it seems that once I sit and relax he gets too relaxed. It used to be that when I was relaxing for that half an hour he was driving home or running errands.

 

Great example.... Stbx is a stylist. High energy workplace. She gets done and wants to come home and veg. Me, I work essentially alone. Me, machines, some customers and a cat. I liked engaging with her after she got home since, after all, we were married, even though I worked just as 'hard' as she did. We had markedly different 'styles', personality-wise. MC suggested 'quiet time'. That turned into evenings of 'quiet time' and then into days and weeks of quiet time. Our styles of engagement and energy were elementally incompatible. Finally, combined with the other pressures I was under, I cracked.

 

Since you have high attraction, you are perhaps motivated to 'bend' more, mitigated somewhat by the realization that you aren't married so can 'break up' easily at any time.

 

Personally, I'd recommend 'feeling-based' communication first. If he responds as per usual, with nods and 'sorry' and 'OK', then, IMO, hit the bricks. This guy isn't LTR material, at least right now. You don't owe him the sacrifice of yourself at his altar of depression or whatever he's going through. Caution: If he has 'been there' for you during difficult periods in your life, weigh that. Such dynamics reflect upon you and your part in a relationship and, personally, your character. If he was there for you, supporting you and encouraging you, examine that value. Of all of the things that I can think of I have been there for him for more than he has been there for me, the worst of which being his unemployment, the only other big thing I can think of is him being rejected from grad school.

 

To me, just as in my marriage, the dynamics here are more about compatibility rather than who is 'right' and who is 'wrong'. The only 'wrong' I'll identify is my making the unhealthy choice to have an EA rather than straight up divorce stbx. That was wrong. Everything else was what it was.

 

Lastly, again reading your title, a thought occurs. There comes a time in a relationship where you know each other well, warts and weaknesses are exposed, and you lose some (or all) of that 'infatuation high' which imbues the honeymoon period. You're likely in the post-honeymoon period now, if together over a year. Will a deeper, more elemental bond grow, supplanting the initial bonding experiences? Unknown.

 

Any recent dreams about the ex who cheated on you? I ask because, sometimes, the past can intrude on one's present, causing stress and ambivalence. Insight?

No nothing with the cheating ex, just the one mentioned in the initial post who he has met and talked to several times.

 

Thanks for all of your advice, I don't plan on doing anything drastic here, I just can't figure out what has changed in the last week or two weeks that has made me feel this way, I am most definitely going to give it more time and more thought. I like the sounding baord and unbaised aspect of LS, especially people like you! Thanks again.

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Before you break up with the guy, please think real hard about the reason. Maybe it would help to have a conversation with him. He needs you right now more than ever.

 

This.

 

As his partner, the person whose opinion he probably values the most, you can do a lot to boost his confidence. All guys want to be their girls' hero, and it's pretty likely he's not feeling very heroic right now with his state of affairs. If he does something for you, maybe go out of your way to show a bit more appreciation than usual. Or ask him to do some sort of task for you, so you can shower him with praise afterwards.

 

How is your sex life? Have you pulled away from him in this area? If so, he's probably feeling the effect on his ego there too (on top of all the others).

 

Not to say that having sex with your BF and thanking him for killing a spider will allow him to get a job, but he's obviously hurting quite a bit in the confidence department. Anything you can do will go a long way towards bettering the situation. That is, of course, if you feel like there's a reason to stay (which it sounds like you believe there is).

 

It's these moments of struggle that tell us a lot about the person we're with. Do they do all they can to support you and lift you up? Or at the first sign of trouble do they run in the opposite direction? Ya know, the whole "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" deal and all. Battle through this ordeal with him, and I'm sure he'll do more than return that favor some day.

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