Ever been with someone you know isn't right yet you have a difficult time moving on?

[Inigo]

Let me all ask you for your opinion on what happened...it's crazy Our relationship is amazing, trust, honesty, open, never judging...- she has two kids 5 and 9 and has been separated from her husband for 3 years - She confides in me that she cheated on him with two different people - she then got involved with a dirtbag for 2 years who beat her, was a drug dealer/pimp (I know I should have run for the door already back then) and a control freak - she went on a coke binge....left her kids for 8 months and then had a nervous breakdown - flew home for the summer and went to counseling briefly and then I ended up meeting her 6 months later.

 

It gets worse - the drug dealer guy is somehow still in her life - she gets texts and they talk on the phone here and there...all the while I'm holding her in her arms as she balls about him doing this and that - I confront her and she says she sees the good in people - sick thing is that guy just got arrested for allegedly raping three women - I'm disgusted.

 

First time I meet her mother she tells me her daughter is a whore and that she is going to betray me....Who says that? In all my relationships never have I heard a mother throw her daughter under the bus like that! I talk with her and say she needs to set some boundaries once she moves back home to go to school or this is going to be a problem in our relationship.

 

She moves never sets any boundaries - every time I visit, which is once a month the mom continually gets involved in our relationship and constantly tries to tell me that her daughter will cheat on me with a doctor or a nurse - then proceeds to give me intimate details of her affairs and her marriage she had of 10 years. This is of course all coming with a smile since they are a VERY Christian family.

 

Meanwhile she is still talking here and there with the dirtbag - we fight about it and as time wears on between her being distant, her past catching up with her (with mental breakdowns here and there) I start to become insecure about the whole situation.....I'm a strong person but after awhile I just broke - between the mother and the rest of her family making comments, the long distance, being away from her kids - and her still in contact with her ex here and there....I cracked. She even said to me at one point - I have a tendency to make people feel insecure - I was like REALLY ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!!

 

Every time I tried to bring up the issues that were going on she would just turn them around and say I was crazy - I was so far gone by this point I started to believe her and at the same time I was always trying to protect her from her mother and I felt a tremendous amount of empathy for what happened in her life.....it clouded my judgement.

 

Then my mom ended up in the hospital and that very day she called me up to say she needed some space.....It was hard and heartless and she said she knew i would understand because I was that kind of guy - she promised to get help and of course she didn't.....I gave her three weeks of space no talking....she texted her and there - and then I called her to see if this was going anywhere.

 

Then it was I'm not sure if I'm in love with you....to me finally asking her either you love me or you don't....she said then I guess I don't.....so then I told her ok....time to move your stuff out of my garage as I had been keeping her furniture here in AZ while she was in St. Louis attending school....she got mad....I called her a few days later and she said all I needed was time and now you made this into a big deal!! I was so confused - how can you tell someone you don't love them and then turn around and say I just needed space. She already had 1800 miles of space.

 

Then it dragged out for awhile....she kept calling and dangling carrots in front of me....giving me hope and I took the bait and continued to get my heart broken....this went on for awhile....I had lost all my self-esteem and I was completely a broken man.

 

The last time we spoke she had the nerve to tell me she never wronged me - I didn't even say anything to her because at that point I was so lost and I truly believed it was my fault - that all this went wrong.

 

Finally I cut her off three months ago because I had to get myself back on my feet - and from what I described up above I finally figured out I was with a woman who had a narcissistic personality - she never said she was sorry, she never took accountability for her actions and she called herself a free spirit.

 

She's very charming and she is a riot to be with and everyone loves this girl....but underneath it all she seems to be very insecure despite how she comes off.

 

In the end I'm afraid I was weak I let her walk all over me and I let her use me as a doormat - my behavior and attitude was clearly telling me to get out a long time ago and I just decided not to listen. That I accept responsibility for......

 

I don't love her anymore (or maybe I still do??) but I can't seem to move on from this its still very painful...I think I'm more upset at the situation and the fact I never got to tell her how I felt.....Maybe its closure, but calling her up isn't going to doing any good....So tell me how in the hell do I attempt to move on from someone that is clearly a person to move on from?

[Downtown]

Inigo, it sounds like your exGF may have strong traits of BPD (borderline personality disorder) rather than NPD. The two disorders share some of the same traits, e.g., narcissism. They are different, however, in two important respects. First, whereas NPDers are incapable of truly caring for you, BPDers are. In that respect, they are at the opposing ends of a spectrum with caring at one end and not caring at the other.

 

Yet, although BPDers can truly love you, you nonetheless will end up being treated about as badly (as with NPDers) because they flip back and forth between loving you and hating you. Moreover, their love is like that of a young child and thus is not the mature form of love you would expect from a marriage partner.

 

Second, whereas NPDers are stable, BPDers are unstable -- which is the source of the flipping back and forth between opposing views of you (called "splitting"). Regardless of these differences, there is a great article explaining why it is so difficult to leave such a person. Indeed, it gives ten reasons. The article is at http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/10_beliefs.pdf .

 

If you would like to read more about BPD, there are a number of articles identifying the nine BPD traits at that website. For NPD, I suggest you Google it for more information. Once you learn to identify the traits, it is not difficult to recognize a strong pattern of them when they occur, especially if you've been dating that person for over a year as you have done.

 

What is hard is determining whether the traits are sufficiently severe to warrant a diagnosis of BPD or NPD. Harder still is knowing how to treat those disorders. Hence, the diagnosis and treatment are the province of professionals. But please do not let that discourage you from reading about the traits. Before you left high school, you likely could already tell if a girl was too selfish and self centered to be a good candidate for marriage. And you could do so without being able to determine whether the selfishness rose to the diagnostic level for NPD.

 

I also suggest that you read about codependency because you may be codependent like I am. It is an inappropriate name because most of the codependents I've met are fiercely independent in nearly all respects. It is not uncommon, for example, for a codependent to be working full time while taking care of three kids and five dogs -- and still go out looking for a mate to care for too.

 

We codependents are caretakers. Our problem is not that we want to help people but, rather, that we keep doing it even when it is to our great detriment. We do it because our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the person we already are). I therefore believe that, like me, you will benefit greatly by learning how to start taking care of yourself and how to establish strong personal boundaries.

[Inigo]

Downtown, (thank you for your reply)

I couldn't agree with you more - it was brought up by several friends of hers that she has a personality disorder....even her father admitted to me before we broke up that she is a chameleon of sorts and she's been that way since she was 13 - he even told me he doesn't know how I'm able to be with her.....It was one of the most dysfunctional families I've ever witnessed - sad really and my EX well she just accepted it as normal because she grew up that way. She told me her father you used to giver her a vitamin every morning and told her it was an ugly pill. My EX is a very striking woman - so she gets all the attention she needs as well as her going out and seeking it as well.

 

She told me she doesn't know who she is or why she does the things she does - and kept telling me she needed to heal and she didn't know how long that would take....and kept me hanging around with hope dangling above me.

 

It's funny because I got to know her EX-husband and she always trashed him when we first started going out....and as I got to know him I think in the end he was just a nice guy like myself who ended up with a girl he probably shouldn't have been with. This was prior to all the baggage she created for herself. I now can't imagine what he went thru with her parents - they liked me but hated him - and look how I was treated.

 

She bounced around in her teen years being a total rebel to turning it around and becoming a good Christian again...then back again, etc. She was raped as well....her story is sad and you are correct, I am co-dependent (yes I don't like the word but it fits) and I felt for her and genuinely thought she was confiding in me because of me - but it seems like she uses that with most guys she's been with.

 

I was trying to understand her for awhile and realized I never will be able too - and its something I just have to let go of - I think now that I came out of my co-dependency haze - my anger came out about the situation and I of course now want to tell her what I was really feeling those last three months or more - but what good is it - she is rationalizing as much as I am.

 

Its finny I thought I did everything right in this relationship....waited for a long time before we were intimate...shared things that I never could share with anyone else and was introduced to her kids at an appropriate time - I was so focused on doing the right things in the relationship and wasn't listening...at the same time I'm quite naive......and yes the caretaker came out BIG TIME. I honestly thought though I was going to get that back in return - but it was always about her and hardly about me.....I knew everything that was going on and I simply choose to ignore it. I was weak when it came to that - it was a fear of being alone...afraid of the alternative.

 

After some therapy I realized I fall for narcissistic women....most of them have been in my life.....Both my folks are that way - I understand now where it comes from - The scary thing is this particular situation I really put my all into it....absolutely everything I had for her and her two beautiful children - and in the process I lost my confidence and my self-esteem and my identity....I think that's why this has been so devastating for me....I've been thru tough relationships before and never came out jaded....but this one I fear has taken such a hold on me I fear its changing me and that I am becoming jaded....as I said I feel as if something is unresolved.....

[Inigo]

Just read the BPD link....WOW - that pretty much sums up my relationship...thank you for your insight - it's greatly appreciated - I've never posted on a site like this before, but I'm glad I did.

[Downtown]

She has a personality disorder....even her father admitted to me before we broke up that she is a chameleon of sorts and she's been that way since she was 13.

If she has strong BPD traits, she has had the order since age 3 or 4. Typically, it does not start showing itself until adolescence. As a young child, she probably had emotionally withholding parents who did little to validate her feelings as being true feelings. She therefore had her sense of self destroyed when very young, leaving her with a very fragile hold onto who she really is. At the same time, she had to desperately rely on her childhood emotional defenses to survive. This overuse of them caused them to be frozen and entrenched, preventing her from learning the more sophisticated defenses that the rest of us learn.

 

She likely never learned self soothing, for example, and thus relied on you to help calm her down. In that sense, you were a "soothing object" -- yet, because you triggered the anger deep inside her, you really did more harm than good.

It was one of the most dysfunctional families I've ever witnessed.

A 2008 study of nearly 35,000 adults found that 6% have BPD at the diagnostic level at some point in their lives. I would not be surprised if another 4 or 6% would be extremely difficult to live with even though their BPD traits fall below the diagnostic level. Hence, this is not an uncommon condition. Although the cause has not been firmly established, the studies find that 70% of BPDers report having been abused or abandoned in early childhood. The remaining 30% report no such abuse, indicating that heredity likely plays a strong role in some, if not all, cases. BPD therefore tends to affect many members of a family, not just one. So it is not surprising that your exGF had a highly dysfunctional family.

My EX is a very striking woman - so she gets all the attention she needs as well as her going out and seeking it as well.

Like your ex, my exW was the most beautiful woman I ever dated. Indeed, in my eyes, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Like you, I made the vain attempt to help her. In fact, I spent over $200,000 taking her to weekly visits with 6 different therapists over a 15 year period -- all to no avail.

 

Because BPDers hate themselves, the last thing they want to hear is one more thing to add to the long list of things they hate about themselves. Hearing that they have a flaw -- or have made a mistake -- is extremely painful to them. To protect themselves from that pain, they persist in believing -- truly believing at the conscious level -- that they are victims. This likely explains much of the terrible things she tells you about her previous BFs -- and it means she is probably saying awful things about you now.

She told me she doesn't know who she is or why she does the things she does - and kept telling me she needed to heal and she didn't know how long that would take.

As I said above, her self concept likely was nearly fully destroyed in early childhood. She therefore has such an unstable sense of self that she has nothing to ground her -- nothing to guide her behavior in various social situations. She therefore acts in a manner that she believes other people expect of her -- not trying to be manipulative but, rather, just trying to be loved and accepted.

 

Hence, during the first six months of your relationship -- when she was infatuated with you -- she pulled out all the stops with you and actually mirrored your personality so closely that you likely were convinced you had met your "soul mate." That could not last because it required enormous energy and because her resentment kept building up, i.e., resentment for going places she really did not like, for spending time with your friends whom she really did not enjoy, and all the other sacrifices made to keep up the illusion. Again, the goal was not to deceive you but, rather, to win your love.

 

If your ex has strong BPD traits, as I suspect, what is remarkable about her is that she is so aware that she has a flaw in her personality. That is very unusual. As I said above, such self awareness is rare among BPDers because the awareness causes such pain. Getting past that pain threshold means that she has a real chance of learning to manage her emotions -- a task that can take years -- if she has the strength and courage to let go of feeling like a victim long enough to start taking responsibility for her own actions. Sadly, that usually does not happen. Therapist Shari Schreiber says that you have a greater chance of flying to the moon strapped to a banana than seeing a BPDer stick with therapy long enough to make a difference.

She's very charming and she is a riot to be with and everyone loves this girl.

So was my exW. BPDers have great difficulty being in touch with two conflicting feelings at the same time. This is why, in 15 seconds, they can flip from idolizing you to hating you. That is, they usually cannot be in touch with both of those feelings simultaneously. The result is that BPDers have much "purer" feelings. Hence, when they are wanting to express love or hatred, they are not hampered (like you and me) by experiencing conflicted feelings.

 

This is why so many of them smile without the hesitation and conflicted feelings that you and I experience, causing us to produce a crooked smile -- or a smile accompanied by eyebrows that usually go with a frown. My exW, for example, has a child-like warmth that puts complete strangers immediately at ease -- making them feel like they've known her for a long time.

I got to know her EX-husband ....I think in the end he was just a nice guy like myself.

Because BPDers hold onto the belief that they are always victims, they project a vulnerability that is "catnip" to codependent guys like you, her exH, and me. We have difficulty feeling like we are loved unless the woman desperately needs us. Hence, it is not that BPDers are targeting us but, rather, that we pass over all the other women -- going for the very women that other guys are running away from (after the six month honeymoon ends). This ability to project vulnerability is the hallmark of great actors and actresses so it is not surprising that many of them suffer from strong BPD traits.

I was trying to understand her for awhile and realized I never will be able too - and its something I just have to let go of

BPDers sometimes say things so outrageous -- with such conviction -- that you are simply amazed any human being can say such things and keep a straight face at the same time. Sometimes it arises from lies and sometimes from her distorted perceptions of human motivations. You will go crazy trying to tease apart the lies from the distorted perceptions.

 

This is not to say, however, that you cannot understand her basic behavior. She acts pretty much like any person does who have the emotional development of a 4 year old. But not like just any 4 year old. Rather, like one who has an enormous amount of inner rage and who has the intelligence and body strength of a full grown adult. A child that age does black-white thinking just like your ex, e.g., she adores daddy when he is meeting her every need but immediately switches to hating him if he withholds the tiniest thing. Doesn't that sound familiar?

 

Please do not give up on your goal of understanding her behavioral traits. Because of your codependency, the danger is that you will now run into the arms of another woman just like her. Stable women are unlikely to give you the intense passion you experienced while being in bed with a woman having the emotional abandon of a 4 year old. Stable women will try to impress you but will fall far short of mirroring your personality. And stable women are unlikely to make you feel like the knight who is riding in to save them.

 

It therefore is very important that you know what the red flags are so you will not find yourself six months into the relationship before anything seems amiss. Yet, if your healing process requires that you keep her out of your mind, you would do well to avoid dwelling on this now -- but please learn about the signs later so you can protect yourself.

I think now that I came out of my co-dependency haze - my anger came out about the situation.

With codependents like us, righteous anger is usually the only thing that gives us a prayer's chance of leaving the toxic relationship. I therefore believe it is wise of you to hold onto the anger for as long as you need to stay away from her. Once you no longer need it, however, kick it aside. It is simply a crutch to help you walk away and only becomes destructive after it has served that limited purpose.

 

I of course now want to tell her what I was really feeling those last three months or more - but what good is it - she is rationalizing as much as I am.

Its funny -- I thought I did everything right in this relationship.

I thought the same. But I have since learned that it takes two willing people to create and sustain a toxic relationship. This means that the toxicity was not something that she did to you. Instead, it was something you were doing to each other. Her contribution to the toxicity is obvious. Yours is less so.

 

Essentially, you were harming her by enabling her to avoid confronting her illness and learning how to control it. You enabled her to avoid learning how to do self soothing, for example, by willingly being her soothing object. You also harmed her by being a trigger that released her inner rage and anger -- which is why you spent so much time walking on eggshells ( to avoid doing just that).

I knew everything that was going on and I simply choose to ignore it. I was weak when it came to that

No, no, no. Weakness was never your problem. As I discussed above, most codependents I've known are very courageous and very willing to help others, even when it is to their great detriment. Your problem, like mine, was an ignorance of what BPD (or NPD) is really like. Our other problem, of course, was our confusion of "being needed" for "being loved."

 

That confusion did not arise from weakness but, rather, your being raised by two NPD parents who likely trained you to take care of their needs -- at a time when you should have been taking care of your own. That is why you don't feel loved unless you are desperately needed. And that is why you likely have to keep building up your self esteem -- as I do -- by helping others.

I really put my all into it....absolutely everything I had for her and her two beautiful children.

I did likewise. I financially assisted all five of my beautiful step children, helping to put two of them through college. Because of lies and misperceptions told to them by their mother, all of them stopped talking to me three years ago. After two years, one of them contacted me and renewed the relationship.

In the process I lost my confidence and my self-esteem and my identity.

Well, certainly, that is the way you feel. Every time you walked on eggshells you were behaving in a way that does not accurately reflect the real you. I believe you will be pleasantly surprised, however, when you realize how quickly the "old you" comes roaring back. If my experience is any guide, the real problems are avoiding a repeat with another BPD woman and finding ways to build my self esteem while also taking care of myself.

I've been thru tough relationships before and never came out jaded....but this one I fear has taken such a hold on me I fear its changing me and that I am becoming jaded...

It will take a while to heal from such a toxic relationship. You are somewhat damaged. But you will heal. Moreover, you came away from the relationship with something in addition to the damage -- namely, you likely came away with an insight into basic human behavior -- and an insight into your own codependent behavior -- that most men never achieve in a lifetime.

I feel as if something is unresolved....

It is frequently said that, when BPD-type relationships end, there can never be a sense of closure. Although that is true, I would rather say that it does not matter if closure happens or not. The reason is that, because BPDers experience such intense feelings sweeping through them every day, and because they believe those feelings are facts, any agreement or understanding made today will vanish in a few days like a sand castle built next to the ocean. Hence, even if you had reached an understanding with her during a lucid moment, that understanding -- and the feelings attached to it -- would have been long gone by now.

[usagi]

This is a very lucid and helpful article. I related to it extremely well and want to thank you both. There are a few of us who have been in these relationships and that is about the best comfort I've found; I'm not alone in experiencing such extremes. I hope that you two can take some small comfort in this realisation too. Good luck guys.

[riyaasr]

Let me all ask you for your opinion on what happened...it's crazy Our relationship is amazing, trust, honesty, open, never judging...- she has two kids 5 and 9 and has been separated from her husband for 3 years - She confides in me that she cheated on him with two different people - she then got involved with a dirtbag for 2 years who beat her, was a drug dealer/pimp (I know I should have run for the door already back then) and a control freak - she went on a coke binge....left her kids for 8 months and then had a nervous breakdown - flew home for the summer and went to counseling briefly and then I ended up meeting her 6 months later.

 

It gets worse - the drug dealer guy is somehow still in her life - she gets texts and they talk on the phone here and there...all the while I'm holding her in her arms as she balls about him doing this and that - I confront her and she says she sees the good in people - sick thing is that guy just got arrested for allegedly raping three women - I'm disgusted.

 

First time I meet her mother she tells me her daughter is a whore and that she is going to betray me....Who says that? In all my relationships never have I heard a mother throw her daughter under the bus like that! I talk with her and say she needs to set some boundaries once she moves back home to go to school or this is going to be a problem in our relationship.

 

She moves never sets any boundaries - every time I visit, which is once a month the mom continually gets involved in our relationship and constantly tries to tell me that her daughter will cheat on me with a doctor or a nurse - then proceeds to give me intimate details of her affairs and her marriage she had of 10 years. This is of course all coming with a smile since they are a VERY Christian family.

 

Meanwhile she is still talking here and there with the dirtbag - we fight about it and as time wears on between her being distant, her past catching up with her (with mental breakdowns here and there) I start to become insecure about the whole situation.....I'm a strong person but after awhile I just broke - between the mother and the rest of her family making comments, the long distance, being away from her kids - and her still in contact with her ex here and there....I cracked. She even said to me at one point - I have a tendency to make people feel insecure - I was like REALLY ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!!

 

Every time I tried to bring up the issues that were going on she would just turn them around and say I was crazy - I was so far gone by this point I started to believe her and at the same time I was always trying to protect her from her mother and I felt a tremendous amount of empathy for what happened in her life.....it clouded my judgement.

 

Then my mom ended up in the hospital and that very day she called me up to say she needed some space.....It was hard and heartless and she said she knew i would understand because I was that kind of guy - she promised to get help and of course she didn't.....I gave her three weeks of space no talking....she texted her and there - and then I called her to see if this was going anywhere.

 

Then it was I'm not sure if I'm in love with you....to me finally asking her either you love me or you don't....she said then I guess I don't.....so then I told her ok....time to move your stuff out of my garage as I had been keeping her furniture here in AZ while she was in St. Louis attending school....she got mad....I called her a few days later and she said all I needed was time and now you made this into a big deal!! I was so confused - how can you tell someone you don't love them and then turn around and say I just needed space. She already had 1800 miles of space.

 

Then it dragged out for awhile....she kept calling and dangling carrots in front of me....giving me hope and I took the bait and continued to get my heart broken....this went on for awhile....I had lost all my self-esteem and I was completely a broken man.

 

The last time we spoke she had the nerve to tell me she never wronged me - I didn't even say anything to her because at that point I was so lost and I truly believed it was my fault - that all this went wrong.

 

Finally I cut her off three months ago because I had to get myself back on my feet - and from what I described up above I finally figured out I was with a woman who had a narcissistic personality - she never said she was sorry, she never took accountability for her actions and she called herself a free spirit.

 

She's very charming and she is a riot to be with and everyone loves this girl....but underneath it all she seems to be very insecure despite how she comes off.

 

In the end I'm afraid I was weak I let her walk all over me and I let her use me as a doormat - my behavior and attitude was clearly telling me to get out a long time ago and I just decided not to listen. That I accept responsibility for......

 

I don't love her anymore (or maybe I still do??) but I can't seem to move on from this its still very painful...I think I'm more upset at the situation and the fact I never got to tell her how I felt.....Maybe its closure, but calling her up isn't going to doing any good....So tell me how in the hell do I attempt to move on from someone that is clearly a person to move on from?

Hi,i am riya,

i am new to this forum ..tell me some thing about the ongoing discussion

i have got something to ask you:love:

[jerrytodd]

What a wonderfully well written, complete and helpful post. Terribly impressive - thanks. I was with an NPD. I've just seen my relationship history and feeling re-written by you.

 

Thanks.

[carhill]

Welcome to the new posters. Great insight. Bravo!

 

So tell me how in the hell do I attempt to move on from someone that is clearly a person to move on from?

 

IME, and I've dealt with this, black hole NC is the best method of detachment and, now, if I get a whiff of personal/familial instability, either by example or recitation, I'm out. That kind of dynamic is just incompatible for my personality type. I learned specific tools via CBT during the MC process. I recommend professional help if you find it difficult to resolve on your own. Hope things work out and there are compatible women out there. Find them

[Inigo]

I want to thank you DOWNTOWN for your very thoughtful and impressive response to my story - it shed a lot of light on my relationship.

 

As a matter fact I had not come back to this forum until today....so its been 5 months almost. I find myself doing better but I'm still haunted by my previous relationship at times - for reasons I can't even begin to explain.....I understand the importance of letting go and at times it feels as if I have and then other moments I'm still plagued by memories, events, etc.

 

Recently her 10 year old son requested me as a friend on Facebook and I've been troubled by it somewhat - I have ignored it in the mean time and I would love to be in contact with him, but I'm not sure what good it would do. Also I'm not sure what's behind it if anything at all. Is my EX behind it? I cut her off last March and neither of us have contacted each other since.

 

Her son and I had a great relationship with each other but last I heard my EX has now moved to Florida and the two kids and her have moved in together with her ex husband - from what I was told it's only till they get on there feet. Regardless that doesn't even matter - but I feel those children have been confused enough in there short lives.

 

Adding me to the mix again after the ordeal with her divorce, my ex abandoning her kids while she was with her drug dealer boyfriend (see my story on the first thread) to me entering there life, which when we were all together it was a happy stable family, to now her children moving back in again with their father all together......is it me or is that just too confusing to a child? I would have thought by now those kids might have forgotten me since its been over a year since I last saw them.

 

Regardless......for my own health I'm thinking I should go against my better judgement and stay away from that no matter how much I want to be in his life. I can't see the positives at all.

 

I think I still seek closure and I wrote a letter to my EX last night, which I won't send, but to maybe help with what I always wanted to say - but it really hasn't helped much. It's just that the relationship ended so severely - I just had to cut it off completely and I never got any closure because I was emotionally in hell. But as DOWNTOWN has said there is a good chance I will never get that because she was an NPD'er. In her mind she never did anything wrong - what her family subjected me too was normal for her.

 

I need to let this go and I just think time will do that, but its just that's the worst answer :-)

[Inigo]

You wanted to ask me something Riyaasr?

[Downtown]

Inigo, congratulations on having successfully stayed away from your exGF these past five months. Leaving such a woman is extremely difficult to do for caregivers like you and me. For the record, the behavioral traits you described are those of a BPDer, not an NPDer. An NPDer would not be unstable as she is and would not have told you "I don't know who I am." Whereas a BPDer knows that her false-self image is fake, an NPDer is convinced that the false self is the true self.

 

As to her 10 year old son, it is heartbreaking to hear that he contacted you on Facebook asking to be friends. It reminds me of the breakup I had many years ago with a young woman in Texas. I had been living with her and her 3 year old son for 7 months. Initially, I found him to be an undisciplined brat and was leery of getting involved with the mother for that reason.

 

After two weeks of dating her, however, she asked me to take him outside on the front lawn. As I stepped through the front doorway and into the sunlight with him, he instinctively reached up and grabbed my hand. By "my hand," I really mean "my two fingers," which is all that his tiny hand could grasp. In that instant, electricity shot up my arm and I was permanently bonded to him. I was forever hooked. And I started thinking of him as my future step son. I read books on how to discipline children and he and I got along extremely well, i.e., I simply adored him.

 

Hence, when I eventually broke up with his mother, I was devastated in losing him. I went to visit him as often as she would permit but, eight months later, she told me not to come back because it was important that he start bonding with her new fiance. That was 32 years ago. Even so, there is not a year that goes by without me doing an Internet "people search" with his name -- never mind that his last name almost certainly changed when his mother remarried.