davegfx Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Hi I just wanted to get everyone's opinions on this. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago and in addition to dealing with the loss of her, I'm also still very much hurting from not seeing her son anymore (2.5 year old) who I had loved as my own for a long time. To make it worse, she immediately moved on to another relationship, and is from what i've heard completely besotted and in love. So I'm trying to move on as best I can. I've seen too many friends just agonise over their breakups for over a year, and I can't bare the thought of torturing myself in the same way. I since joined a dating site and get quite a few messages. But I'm still completely heartbroken and just don't feel much attraction to anyone. Should I go on dates? Should i go but be upfront that I'm newly single and still working through issues? Should I give it more time before going on dates? Opinions please! Link to post Share on other sites
Rearden Metal Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Hey man... I'm in a similar position (no kid though) with a similar amount of time passed. I'm not dating. Something totally unexpected/natural would have to happen for me to date right now. I've decided that my feelings are valid and I'll work through them. Once I feel better about myself and things in general, I'll be more proactive in trying to date. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Oh PLEASE. On behalf of all women, please do not date until you are emotionally available. Link to post Share on other sites
Rearden Metal Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Oh PLEASE. On behalf of all women, please do not date until you are emotionally available. Snark alert! Really though, what you're saying is correct. Could do without the tone of contempt. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Wow, I must sound snarky today because you are not the first to mention it. But thats the opposite of my intent. If you arent over your ex and emotionally available....dating will be an exercise in frustration for yourself and obviously, whoever may be interested in you. If you date too soon...you may have experiences you really dont want. And you certainly do not want to be someone else's bad experience! Sure, we all want to go out and meet people and as nice as it sounds like it might be to meet someone else, someone special... It just aint gonna happen until you are , truly, available. Better? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 I don't think it's a bad thing for you to date, but do so casually and try to be upfront with people you go out with on more than one date, so they know your situation. I began dating a guy like a week after my ex dumped me. By dating, I mean sleeping with. I told him clearly I couldn't do a relationship again so soon and he was ok with it and said he was willing to wait for me to get over my ex. It was his choice to stick around and eventually we became official after a few weeks. Still not over the ex, but one step at a time, I guess. It's good for you to spend time with other women. It will make you feel good about yourself and take your mind off her. Just be honest so you don't mislead and potentially hurt them inadvertently. Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 The fallout from this kind of thing can be pretty bad. Dating others while not yet emotionally available, that is. For the record - dating someone else is NOT the only way to heal and move on. I didn't date while I was still in love with my ex- I didn't pine away for him for a year. Having someone else is not what allows you to move on. You hurt, you grieve, you cry and at some point you get real. You start realising as devestating as it is; that if a person can't love and appreciate you? They just aren't right for you. That realisation is what helped me move on. Believing that I had a lot of love and good to invest in someone and I deserved that BACK. When you go out with new people and you're not ready; it just ends up becoming this big fat reminder of your loss or worse; you end up really hurting someone who was sweet and kind and had nothing but the best and most honest intentions. Trust me, the best way to heal is not using others to get over it but rather being introspective and taking the time to be at peace with what happened and why and accepting certain things. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 I shall agree with hoping2heal. Haven't really dated anyone for the past 7-8 months...except for the occasional date, but even then, they didn't really feel like dates to me...more like hanging out with friends...and that's what happens when you're emotionally unavailable...it'll feel like you're spending time with a friend...at least it did for me... Bottom line is that you're not doing yourself or the girl any favors by dating them more than casually...all it does is sweep your issues from the breakup under the rug until they blow up in your face when you least expect it...then you'll have two battle fronts to deal with...your ex and the girl you're currently seeing...talk about a mess... Link to post Share on other sites
Author davegfx Posted March 24, 2010 Author Share Posted March 24, 2010 What about if you want to just casually date? No expectations, not expecting to fall in love or replace my ex - just want to test the waters. Open my eyes to the possibility that there are other women out there. Let's say I did decide to go on a few dates. When is the best time to bring up that you want to take it slow as you are newly out of a relationship? If I have an interest in them and vice versa after the first date? Or should I be upfront with it right away? Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 Oh PLEASE. On behalf of all women, please do not date until you are emotionally available. This ^^^ OP, why do you want a woman to validate you? Look at what you're just getting out of. Think about that. Really, why? Date when you're able to share the best of who you are in a healthy way. Care less about what other people do. Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBella Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 I'm going to repeat what a few others have said here: don't date anyone until you are emotionally available. Instead, find healing in hanging out with friends, doing things you love to do, and improving yourself. Think about whether or not you'd like to date someone who is still pining over their ex. At best, you would feel mislead and at worst, you could feel very hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 An adjunct issue is perception. I've noted, and was advised here to expect it, that women *perceive* someone who hasn't been 'broken up' or 'divorced' for a significant period of time (each has her personal perception of the number) to be off-limits for dating, regardless of the actual emotional dynamic. I accept that, but can opine that it can also be their loss. No worries. Life goes on Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 What about if you want to just casually date? No expectations, not expecting to fall in love or replace my ex - just want to test the waters. Open my eyes to the possibility that there are other women out there. Let's say I did decide to go on a few dates. When is the best time to bring up that you want to take it slow as you are newly out of a relationship? If I have an interest in them and vice versa after the first date? Or should I be upfront with it right away? Thoughts? I understand that you may be able to turn off the 'love switch' while you're casually dating these girls, but you can't be sure that the girls you're seeing have the same intentions of mere casual dating. Or they do, but they fall for you anyway because you're just that great of a guy...you're just asking for trouble... Link to post Share on other sites
McGrupp Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 ill say this, the first girl i dated after my breakup i was a mess and so was she. we both we in a misery loves company stage. but if i was my best self, or even where i am here, i wouldnt have even hung out with her. however...now when im in a better place im meeting new and better women. and when im in my best place i will truly be with someone who runs on the same wavelength... Link to post Share on other sites
Author davegfx Posted March 24, 2010 Author Share Posted March 24, 2010 yeah ok, i really do see where you guys are coming from. I guess I'm just trying to fill that emotional void. But you're all right, I need to work through my feelings first. Become a better, stronger person. And get my confidence back rather than relying on a random woman to boost it. its tough.. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 its tough.. I can empathize. Being celibate for 15 months while the D finalizes ain't no picnic. One day at a time Link to post Share on other sites
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