Tourmaline Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 Hi, I'm a 20 year old male and a while back my first proper relationship with a girl ended. The reasons that i hadn't had any relationships till her are: 1) I'm a fairly reticent person, and sometimes awkward 2) I enjoy my solitude, and can cope with being single. 3) I'm very choosy with women. I don't want to become romantically involved with one unless she is highly intelligent, positive and has that ineffable attractive "warmth" about her. This is the reason that i've only asked 3 girls out (that includes her) in my entire lifetime. Well this girl i'd known for about 6 months fitted the bill perfectly, and after about a month of initially sporadic, but more frequent, flirting, we were going out. Even though i'm a bit of a loner, I was still very excited by this, and we had a lot of fun together. Being callow and inexperienced though, in retrospect I said and did a few things that may have been construed as being strange or not entirely appropriate. After about 3 weeks she let me go, citing that she didn't feel strongly enough about me, even though she wanted to remain friends and that I was an "amazing person". I'm well over the whole brow beating, teeth gnashing phase, and have learnt a great deal, and know what (and what not) to do next time. But there is something that still bugs me. I realise now that whatever the circumstance, i needed a relationship that had to end (and probably need a few more) to get experience and find a life partner, but why did someone as fantastic as her have to be the first one? She really was all i was looking for. Maybe I'll find good things in other women that i never had with her, but i'm really scared that i'll be taking a step down with my next partner, or i'll never find someone else as good as her. She was faultless. Another thing: A lot of people say that, if you were a dumpee, you will finally be over your ex when you are angry at her. I can't be angry at her. I'm not attracted to her anymore but i can't bring myself to say nasty things or be negative about her. Cause that would be wrong and out of proportion to the wonderful person that I knew her as. Will i be able to get over her without being angry? p.s. we don't make any significant contact with each other anymore Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 1, 2003 Share Posted July 1, 2003 [color=violet][font=arial]Hey Tourmaline My first break up was terrible, I thought I had truly LOST the most amazing guy ever… and he was amazing. It took me a long time to get over that, but I did. I too believed that there was no one that could possible match him, no one in the world. Thinking I would never find anyone like him I had a few little relationships here and there, not believing that anyone like him existed and then out of nowhere I met the most amazing man.. yes he was even more wonderful than what I thought was possible, yet he existed too and yes we also broke up. Naturally I was devastated thinking ‘how could this be, we where so perfect for one another’ BUT what I failed to realize was that he was the best for me ‘at that time’ I too changed and grew as do others and if he were really everything I wanted/needed or was meant to be with me forever he would still be with me but he is not. So there is someone out there even better again! Remember you can love someone without being with them. Cos sometimes love isn’t enough to keep two people together. So you did some things that could have been construed as being ‘strange or not entirely appropriate’ do you really think that they where what broke up the relationship? Well either way don’t blame yourself about the breakup but rather look at it realistically and learn from the experience. Don’t listen to whoever tells you, you need to get angry to get over her… that is not true. Everyone responds and deals with things differently, and if this type of reaction is not natural in this situation then don’t push it… feel the emotions that are present, explore what you are feeling and make sense of it. Work through it honestly and you will be fine. Believe in yourself and that you do deserve more and can and will have that. Don’t under estimate the power of the mind.. the last thing you want to be doing is getting all negative and saying, ‘I will NEVER find someone else as good as her’. How can you be so sure??? If you met her is it not possible that there is someone as good if not better out there, waiting for you?!?!?! I think so! Remember if you exist someone great like you exists too! Don’t be sad about what you lost, rejoice in having had it AND get excited about the future and what it holds! Cos really you haven’t lost anything! You have only gained. She is still out there, you will always have those great memories of her and one day you might be the best of friends. I say instead of sending her anger in your mind, send her heaps of love and thank her for the experience. I believe that to be far more constructive! GOOD LUCK and stay positive. ~PurpleAngel~ [/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tourmaline Posted July 2, 2003 Author Share Posted July 2, 2003 Hi PurpleAngel > So you did some things that could have been construed as being >‘strange or not entirely appropriate’ do you really think that they >where what broke up the relationship? Not solely, there were other things.... but I can't pretend that I did everything right and that the split stemmed from all her problems... that would be arrogant. I'm sure if I'd done a few things differently then we would have lasted at least a few months longer. I wasn't expecting it to last forever, i just wish it had lasted longer, to get more experienced and to know her better (cos she really was worth knowing!!!) Essentially i was a little unsure, I refused a couple of things that she expressed interest in doing just because I found them a little foreign, instead of going with the flow. And vice versa as well... She said what matters is "what I'm like as a person". And I felt the same way about her too at the time. But I know now that's not all that matters. Anyway its been 3 months now and getting easier by the week. cheers, Tourmaline Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 2, 2003 Share Posted July 2, 2003 [color=violet][font=arial]Well you sound like a really smart and clued on guy not wanting to blame her solely for the break up. Very refreshing to hear. Taking responsibility for something you have participated in is the quickest way to take control of it and deal with it. Good Luck and YES it is easier EVERY DAY/week! Fellow aussie! ~PurpleAngel~ [/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
MrSadman Posted July 5, 2003 Share Posted July 5, 2003 I like your one post purple Angel because my first girlfriend broke up with me and I think she was the most amazing girl ever I mean she was absolutely perfect at least in my eyes. Right now I think I will never ever find a girl as perfect as she was. But you kind of gave me hope that one day I will find a girl evern better because you said that their is someone out there even better, right now I can't believe that maybe one day I will believe you. Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 5, 2003 Share Posted July 5, 2003 [color=violet][font=arial]Hey MrSadman… I’d love to ask you… why do you call yourself SADMAN… are you really sad? Be happy, life really is BEAUTIFUL! Anyway in reply to your post… Remember FAITH is what you need. Believe that it will be and it will. What we think that life has to offer us it will do exactly that. Don’t wait for it, just believe that it is just around the corner, waiting for you to be ready. So work on being an asset to yourself, not a liability and LIVE, LIVE, LIVE… be proud of who you are and if your not, work on that! BE happy Sadman. I’d much prefer to think of the positive of what I can and will have rather than speculate on what I may or may not have and believe that I have lost the best I will ever have. You can only fail if you stop trying and believing. There are many amazing people in this world, like you and like-attracts-like so if you think of it that way then…. YOU will find her! STAY POSITIVE and STRONG! Love and Light! ~PurpleAngel~[/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
MrSadman Posted July 8, 2003 Share Posted July 8, 2003 Hey Tourmaline, you have the exact same personality that I have and say the same things in that one post I say. I'm kind of loner well forget that I am a loner and I finally met someone that I was sure was the best girl ever everything she did or behaved I liked. I even say to myself everyday that I wish I had done things different that could have changed the relationship and at least made it last longer than in my case one month a couple days, but thats just the what if mode of being broke up with. But unfortunately what has happened as much I try not think that way its true you can't change what has happened. I said I love my girl in one month and she thought my feeling for her were too strong to early and after the break up we don't make significant contact either. And like you I can't be angry at my ex gf either she was too perfect and nice to ever me being angry at her, but unlike you I'm still very attracted to my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
dejadudu Posted July 8, 2003 Share Posted July 8, 2003 One thing I would like to add to this string: its that 'perfect' is a funny thing. Its like P.A. said, someone who is right for us one day wouldn't fit two years later 'cause so much has happened. I like to say "Life is progressive"; this quote has a neutral meaning for me, mostly it means that whether we like it or not, things will change and people with them. In other words, avoid getting stuck. Ironically, my first/last great love is someone whose imperfections, which turned me off at first (2nd & 3rd), became the qualities I cherish most now. Strange eh? Link to post Share on other sites
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