I just need to whine for a second

[Ilovecake]

In the last few weeks I've received a few calls and messages from some great friends who live out of state who have told me that my ex has been sending them facebook friendship requests. These are all people who know both him and me but have stayed in touch with me more. I think it's very nice of them to run this by me and I've told all of them that it will not bother me if they OK him, which is a complete "save face" lie. In fact I'm very bothered by it. My heart has been feeling heavy for days and I’m completely distracted at work.

 

Here are the reasons why I'm bothered by it and if I told anyone I know they would say I'm crazy so that's why I'm whining to you guys instead.

1. My ex and I have been broken-up for about a year and a half. He dumped me and I have not contacted him since, he however has tried to ‘be friends’ and to get my attention in every way possible. Not because he wants me in his life but because he’s vengeful and has always gotten off on hurting me.

   
   

2. My ex has had his facebook account about 2 years longer than I have had mine. I just started mine about a year and a half a go shortly after we broke up.

   
   

3. He has never sent friend requests to these people before now.

   
   

4. I think (this is where the crazy comes in) he's doing it to get to me, to upset me. A few weeks a go he sent me an email and I erased it without even reading it. I also blocked him on Facebook. He wants revenge because I ignored him and gosh darn it he will not be ignored. Since then he's been very actively sending requests out to a bunch of people on my friend list. He was always very emotionally abusive to me but would do such weird, petty stuff that nobody ever believed me. Everyone said he’s such a nice guy I must just be paranoid. His ex before me even tried to warn me that he would do this sort of stuff if his ego is not fed and I thought at the time that she was just speaking out of anger. I also didn’t not believe that someone as nice as him would do childish stuff like this just for the fun of seeing a woman’s self esteem fall apart. Now I know better, he hates all women.

   
   

5. I feel like he's trying to drive a wedge between me and my friends just to prove that he can. It's very much something he would do. He's always had this weird obsession with being liked more than me.

   
   

I know most of you would say just get off facebook but it has served me in many good ways after the breakup. I’m not a very social person so most of my socializing is done through facebook. After my ex dumped me my only girlfriend (of 20 years) told me she did not want to be friends with me because she didn’t want to deal with my post breakup depression, so I was left completely without a person to turn to. I literally had a nervous breakdown and besides my therapist my out of town friends have been my only support and very instrumental in me getting better. LoveShacked help tremendously too, thank you. I have no family here except for my mother. I also reconnected with a lot of great people from my past that are making me feel very loved and I can’t give that up so I’m keeping my facebook page while trying to pretend the ex does not exist. Some of you might have seen my previous post about my ex creating a facebook fan page for himself which I can’t block. He has also been sending requests to all my friends through that and I see that they ‘became his fan’ in their news updates.

I just wish that this would not bother me as much as it does but at the same time I feel like I’m being stalked and still abused even though outside of dropping off the face of this earth I have done everything in my power to not cross his path. I feel emotionally drained and am so sick of fighting this battle and smiling and pretending that everything is A.O K. He’s been dating someone else since we broke up so I don’t understand why he will not leave me alone.

Just typing this out made it a little easier.

[Ronni_W]

I'd kind of suspect that your friends are uncomfortable with his seemingly out-of-the-blue contact, and that's why they're looking to you for guidance. [so] I would tell them along the lines of, "Of course you're free to do what you want...but I'd prefer if you just ignored him."

 

If anyone asks your reasons, you could just sigh something like, "Oh...you know," and then reiterate that it's their own decision if they want to 'friend' him.

 

PS: Your "crazy" doesn't sound so crazy to me -- some people are exactly like you're describing him. But I know what you mean that it may sound "crazy" to people who have met him...like there is NO WAY he could be like that.

[Ilovecake]

I'd kind of suspect that your friends are uncomfortable with his seemingly out-of-the-blue contact, and that's why they're looking to you for guidance. [so] I would tell them along the lines of, "Of course you're free to do what you want...but I'd prefer if you just ignored him."

 

If anyone asks your reasons, you could just sigh something like, "Oh...you know," and then reiterate that it's their own decision if they want to 'friend' him.

 

PS: Your "crazy" doesn't sound so crazy to me -- some people are exactly like you're describing him. But I know what you mean that it may sound "crazy" to people who have met him...like there is NO WAY he could be like that.

 

Thank you Ronnie. Your post helps tremendously.

My last friend sent me a facebook message about his request and my reply was 'It's up to you, I would not be mad at you if you OKed him even though I think he's a jerk' sort of made a joke out of it. And I guess he accepted his friendship. I should be more direct but I'm embarrassed by the fact that he still gets to me after all this time. I want to be stronger and I think if I pretend long enough that his existence doesn't bother me one day I'll just become completely immune to his games.

 

I've told him I do not wish to ever speak with him or see him or try and be friends. Just when I get settled and don't see or hear from him or about him for a few months and start feeling happy boom he'll always send me some stupid message. Last time it was "Where should I go get my taxes done?". He knows I know nothing about taxes, his uncle works for H&R Block, why ask me? That's the one I erased. Just enough to crawl in the back of my mind. I can't go to anyone and say this guy is torturing me by asking me for pot roast recipes and with tax questions, lol.

[Ronni_W]

I think if I pretend long enough that his existence doesn't bother me one day I'll just become completely immune to his games.

(Let's pretend for a sec that I'm Dr. Phil.) "So...how's that working for you?"

 

There's a saying from someplace: What you resist will persist.

Which is to say, maybe it's time to try something radically different and just start acknowledging that, much as you're loathe to think-admit it, there just still is something about the whole crappy situation that just still makes you so...vexed. (Use a word that you'd not ordinarily use...or, even better, make-up a word that perfectly suits how you feel about it.)

 

I can't go to anyone and say this guy is torturing me by asking me for pot roast recipes and with tax questions, lol.

Hugs. I know what you mean. But. OTOH, why can't you? Make a joke about it -- a little self-deprecating humour ain't gonna hurt no one.

 

Maybe, "It perplexes me how he still vexes me, he's gonna get an effin' hex from me. But sure as hell no sex from me!"

 

Or something like that?

[GrayClouds]

In the last few weeks I've received a few calls and messages from some great friends

 

I've told all of them that it will not bother me if they OK him, which is a complete "save face" lie. In fact I'm very bothered by it. My heart has been feeling heavy for days and I’m completely distracted at work.

 

First of Cake Eater, why are you lying to "Great Friends" why dont yuo just say I rather you not for these reasons but it is your decsion:

 

 

1. He’s vengeful and has always gotten off on hurting me

   
   

2. He has never sent friend requests to these people before now.

   
   

3. I feel like he's trying to drive a wedge between me and my friends

   
   

And if he is trying to do what you say and it works they was not "great friends" and time to find better ones.

 

Next, who are trying to "save face" to, an EX who dumped you and is no longer in your life? It been too long, it is time to let this go, let him go, and shift the focus on you. He is going to be little and vengeful, let him while you focus on being grand and kind. It will be this behavior that will lead to a having happiness much more then any facy-facebook battle.

[Ilovecake]

(Let's pretend for a sec that I'm Dr. Phil.) "So...how's that working for you?"

 

It's not

 

Maybe, "It perplexes me how he still vexes me, he's gonna get an effin' hex from me. But sure as hell no sex from me!"

 

That's hilarious. Anyone ever tell you you're kind of brilliant?

[Ilovecake]

First of Cake Eater, why are you lying to "Great Friends" why dont yuo just say I rather you not for these reasons but it is your decsion: who are trying to "save face" to, an EX who dumped you and is no longer in your life?

 

No I don't care what he thinks. I'm lying because I want to be strong and I feel I should be over this by now.

 

And if he is trying to do what you say and it works they was not "great friends" and time to find better ones.

 

He won't be successful but it's just the fact that he's still trying that bothers me. Like I said they're mutual friends and they feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. This breakup was between me and him not between me him and 30 other people. So how exactly does a 39 year old single woman go about making a bunch of new friends?

 

It been too long, it is time to let this go, let him go, and shift the focus on you. He is going to be little and vengeful, let him while you focus on being grand and kind. It will be this behavior that will lead to a having happiness much more then any facy-facebook battle.

 

I've tried to let it go. I've done everything in the book. I've 100% concentrated on myself and my happiness. I find my ex repulsive and disgusting. I'm physically completely not attracted to him. The fact that he's still trying to be in my life is the one and only thing that bothers me. If I knew how to just take your advice and let it stop bothering me I guess I wouldn't be here whining. I guess that's why I lie. Like I said in my original post I think if I tell myself long enough that it doesn't bother me than it will just stop bothering me one day. I have never dealt with a psychopath before, I don't know how to go about it. If it's not facebook he'll find other ways of getting to me, he's done it before I ever had a facebook account. He did it to his ex before facebook was even invented. If I give up my facebook account I'm a 100% alone. I'm not quite ready to do that yet.

[Ilovecake]

Well he got em all. Every person on my list he ever crossed paths with he is now facebook friends with.

[GrayClouds]

I really sorry it is obvious how difficult this is for you. Just do not make it harder for you. You do not need to lie about how your feeling. Your healing is about being honest with what your feelings, if your hurt allow yourself to hurt, if your mad allow it, if something makes you sad feel it. Because what you have proved to yourself that you can live with your emotions, they will not bring you down.

 

Hell 30 friends, that is about 26 and half more then most people have. And even if he does bluff half of them you still have 15 and that is nowhere to be alone.

 

How does a 39 year old woman find new friends same place 23 year old; volunteer at something you passion it about, join a a cycling club, take a woman self defense (can you think of anyone you can use it on?) class. Yes it harder now but you can do it. It is not like your some old lady. But if your 100% alone if you give up your facy-facebook account, this tells you where you need to focus your energies, you are isolated and need real people in your life.

 

If your not over it yet, so what? Yes it is a pain in the ass but your getting there. But you keep pushing. I suggesty you pick up the book:

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

 

Again if this guy want to be a little man let him, you way to busy making a great new life to let this bug slow you down.

 

Well he got em all. Every person on my list he ever crossed paths with he is now facebook friends with.

 

So now you can put it away and get on with it, let him have quantity you work for quality.

Edited March 3, 2010 by GrayClouds

[Ilovecake]

I've actually done all the things you suggested. I have taken photography classes I have joined clubs, both online and in real life, I am in the process of reconnecting with some old friends. I'm lucky to be at the age where now my friends are getting divorced so they're looking to reconnect with people as well. Don't get me wrong, things are not completely dire; but facebook does give me a little bit of an ego boost which I could use. Seeing as I've got some major abandonment issues and especially after the blow of loosing the two people I was closest to in such a short amount of time. The people on my facebook are all out of town acquaintances we met while traveling so they don't owe me or him anything and I still think that the fact that some of them actually ran this by me before Oking his friend requests is pretty cool.

 

I am actually getting kind of close to some acquaintances who recently moved to my neighborhood and have been hanging out with them a lot. They're not big fans of my ex. I actually just talked to my new friend and she really set me straight on this whole thing and the nice thing is she brought it up not me. I'm going to really try and have the attitude that what he's doing is stupid and childish and instead of being upset I should be laughing at him. How I was saying before that I want to save face, I think I just thought my chances of keeping my friends were better if I was the cool sane one who doesn't care and hopefully they will see through my ex's bull and games and really see his true colors.

 

You're right now that he got to each one of them I no longer will see news updates popping up that so and so became my ex's friend and I can just start getting over it without those constant reminders. I have his personal account blocked so I can't see if he posts on their pages and the other account he created that's fan page he can't post under. Out of sight out of mind.

 

Though I have to say my ex is a big dumb jerk.

[GrayClouds]

I'm going to really try and have the attitude that what he's doing is stupid and childish and instead of being upset I should be laughing at him.

Perfect!

 

 

How I was saying before that I want to save face, I think I just thought my chances of keeping my friends were better if I was the cool sane one who doesn't care and hopefully they will see through my ex's bull and games and really see his true colors.

 

You are correct if they want him let them have him.

 

 

Though I have to say my ex is a big dumb jerk.

And in time so will other intelligent people. And the good news is you no longer have to give thought of him the time of day, he is simple not worth it, and your way to busy with that better attitude.

[Ronni_W]

That's hilarious. Anyone ever tell you you're kind of brilliant?

Not so much, no, but thank you . Point was to bring some humour into the situation -- rather than letting him get to you.

 

I'm lying because I want to be strong and I feel I should be over this by now.

ILC, lying is never a sign of genuine 'strength' -- and when you lie about what you really want or need from others, then you're not likely to get it. So that strategy ends up be doubly self-defeating, yes?

 

It's difficult when what we think "should" be our reality is not actually our reality. When that happens, a different way of doing it is to accept the actual reality and realize that there's something faulty with our "should".

 

Give it more time, inject it with humour...and sooner than later it really won't be a problem anymore. Just pretending that it's not a problem is more likely to make you do things like lying to "some great friends", and just feel crappier about everything, and just beat-up on yourself. Who needs that?

 

Hugs and best.