Jump to content

Was I unreasonable?


Recommended Posts

I was with a guy for 3 years. Apart from its end, I would call it a nice relationship but he never once said 'I love you'. Was I unreasonable to feel that that was not normal? I did tell him the 'L' word half way into the relationship. The words just slipped out of my mouth at a time that I really felt them. After a while it started troubling me that I never heard them back but I was too proud to say anything. I stood by him during the final stage of his studies, put up with his crappy moods and all I got as an acknowledgement to his thesis was 'Thanks to (my name) and Jenny (a common friend of ours) for putting up with me'. That was 3 years into the relationship. I felt hugely unappreciated by then and lost my motivation to work on the relationship. I felt that this showed a lack of commitment on his part. Communication eventually broke down and he ended it. Afterwards, he did say that 'he couldn;t have finished his studies without me at his side' but that was after we had broken up. I feel that if you really love someone, you tell them. The words just come out of your mouth. Was I being unreasonable for thinking that? Have you ever had that in a relationship?

Link to post
Share on other sites

3 years and he never said I love you????? From what I understand you however loved him, since you said it after a year and a half. How in the world could you have stayed for 3 years with a person who did not love you? Are you sure you guys weren’t just friends? Was your relationship intimate? Did you kiss and have nookie time and all that stuff? :eek::eek::eek:

Link to post
Share on other sites
I feel that if you really love someone, you tell them. The words just come out of your mouth.

It's inaccurate to think-believe that. It could be true for you and 90% of all humans...but that does not make it true for everybody.

 

Some people have great difficult verbally expressing "I love you" but will use other ways (words and actions) to convey their love. In my experience, it very much relates to how love was/is expressed in their family home.

 

I don't often think about saying "I love you" but, if my partner expressed his desire or preference to hear it, then I would make a conscious effort. My NOT saying it does not mean that I don't love him. Also, because it's not my "go to" way of expressing my love, it's also not high on my list of what I need to feel loved.

 

In your case, it sounds as if you did not communicate your reasonable wants and needs to your partner; you did not let him know what makes YOU feel loved, special, appreciated, etc. (I get that this was due to your faulty belief that ALL people find it normal and natural to verbalize "I love you.")

 

It's ultimately self-defeating to not be open and honest about your needs, likes, dislikes, preferences, desires, etc. That is information that is critical to the long-term success of any relationship. It's got nothing to do with being proud (or humble.) It really just is deliberately withholding important information about your Self.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's inaccurate to think-believe that. It could be true for you and 90% of all humans...but that does not make it true for everybody.

 

Some people have great difficult verbally expressing "I love you" but will use other ways (words and actions) to convey their love. In my experience, it very much relates to how love was/is expressed in their family home.

 

I don't often think about saying "I love you" but, if my partner expressed his desire or preference to hear it, then I would make a conscious effort. My NOT saying it does not mean that I don't love him. Also, because it's not my "go to" way of expressing my love, it's also not high on my list of what I need to feel loved.

 

In your case, it sounds as if you did not communicate your reasonable wants and needs to your partner; you did not let him know what makes YOU feel loved, special, appreciated, etc. (I get that this was due to your faulty belief that ALL people find it normal and natural to verbalize "I love you.")

 

It's ultimately self-defeating to not be open and honest about your needs, likes, dislikes, preferences, desires, etc. That is information that is critical to the long-term success of any relationship. It's got nothing to do with being proud (or humble.) It really just is deliberately withholding important information about your Self.

 

OK so you're telling this person that they were not verbally expressive enough as to their needs yet you say love doesn't need to be expressed verbally. That's quite an oxymoron.

Link to post
Share on other sites
OK so you're telling this person that they were not verbally expressive enough as to their needs yet you say love doesn't need to be expressed verbally. That's quite an oxymoron.

Say what?

Expressing one's needs and expressing one's love are two entirely different, unrelated animals.

I'm not sure what you're (mis)interpreting as me thinking-saying that "love doesn't need to be expressed verbally." Of course it does. But, to me, saying, "I forgive you" is ALSO an expression of love. As is, "I'm so glad that you're my partner." As is, "You just make me so happy to be alive!"

Love can be verbally expressed a million different ways, is what I intended. Not just with "I love you."

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think you were being unreasonable. A man who never once tells you he loves you after 3 years is likely a man who was perfectly happy with the relationship where it was and didn't want it to go and deeper or further. You clearly did. It is sad, but it happens that way sometimes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think I misinterpreted anything.

 

To quote you:

"Some people have great difficult verbally expressing "I love you" but will use other ways"

 

"In your case, it sounds as if you did not communicate your reasonable wants and needs to your partner"

 

 

You just said that Themis did not verbalize her needs but at the same time it's not necessary to verbalize your feelings. Is that about right? Wouldn't it be a given that after 3 years with someone you're (I assume) intimate with you would get at least a single I love you? I have never had to ask someone to tell me they loved me, nor would I ever be with someone who's that emotionally stunted that they can't say it if they feel it. They either love me and want me to know it or or they don't. It's not something anyone should fish around for.

Edited by Ilovecake
Link to post
Share on other sites
You just said that Themis did not verbalize her needs but at the same time it's not necessary to verbalize your feelings. Is that about right?

No, it's not right. I did not say anything at all about verbalizing or not verbalizing one's feelings. Whether love, indifference, anger, hate or whatever other feeling, I did not say anything about feelings.

 

My basic point is: If we need or want something from our partner (or someone else) that they are not giving us, then it is OUR responsibility to voice it; to at least ask for it. Which of course is not to say that our partner can or will want to give it to us...only that we have the self-obligation to verbalize it. We need to at least ask for what we want, if we are not getting it "automatically". Our partners are not psychic.

 

If we have a feeling that we want our partner (or someone else) to know about...then of course we would need to communicate it to them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
3 years and he never said I love you????? From what I understand you however loved him, since you said it after a year and a half. How in the world could you have stayed for 3 years with a person who did not love you? Are you sure you guys weren’t just friends? Was your relationship intimate? Did you kiss and have nookie time and all that stuff? :eek::eek::eek:

 

 

Yes, the relationship was intimate: kisses, hugs, 'nookie time';), helping each other out when in need - the whole deal. I stayed on that long because the first two years were lovely plus I am very loyal to the people I love. I tried to show good faith and think like Ronnie W but towards the end I began to feel what ADF said... :eek: I just can't see how you can have a healthy relationship where the L word is never uttered. For me that signifies luck of trust.

Link to post
Share on other sites
No, it's not right. I did not say anything at all about verbalizing or not verbalizing one's feelings. Whether love, indifference, anger, hate or whatever other feeling, I did not say anything about feelings.

 

My basic point is: If we need or want something from our partner (or someone else) that they are not giving us, then it is OUR responsibility to voice it; to at least ask for it. Which of course is not to say that our partner can or will want to give it to us...only that we have the self-obligation to verbalize it. We need to at least ask for what we want, if we are not getting it "automatically". Our partners are not psychic.

 

If we have a feeling that we want our partner (or someone else) to know about...then of course we would need to communicate it to them.

 

I will admit I am thurougly confused but thanks for taking the time to try and explain what you mean by not verbalizing what you again said should be verbalized.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah I'm with ADF on this. I don't know what kind of relationship you guys had, whether you were seeing other people and maybe he considered you a friend with benefits, but to answer your original question I think it is absolutely reasonable that you found it abnormal that in all that time he never said I love you. He either didn't love you or had some very deep emotional issues that prevented him from saying so if he did feel it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...