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do men just run away?


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Background: I (40) met my boyfriend (41) over the internet a little over a year ago. He and I are both divorced, no children. His ex had 2 daughters from a previous marriage he helped to raise.

 

We dated for awhile and then due to circumstances of me getting a different job in another city I needed a place to live while my house in another city was sold. He suggested I move in with him. At first I was hesitant, but agreed to do so as long as I paid my half of the bills.

 

He works two jobs - full time for a city government and also a part time thing that he earns some good money to supplement the income. Basically he only worked a few days a week the two jobs.

 

Four months after I moved into his condo, he decided he wanted to get a house. He asked me to look at the place and what did I think. It was nice but needed some work. We worked on it together, basically sweat equity is all I have in it - no financial commitment to it. He owns the house.

 

My new job goes great, everything is great. I get along with his family, although they are not nearby they are very nice.

 

We talked a great deal about our previous relationships, what went wrong, what went right -- we've always tried to be honest with one another.

 

A few weeks ago I had a birthday and got the most wonderful birthday card and gift and dinner. It was wonderful.

 

Yesterday being Father's Day he went sailing with a friend and his friend's 4 year old son.

 

My boyfriend tends to be a perfectionist. When he gets frustrated about something like the computer, he will say so -

For example, when working on the boat he had a lot of unforseen problems over a good several days he said he just wanted to get rid of the boat if it didn't go better -- after the repairs were made.

 

So with that background, yesterday he got into a conversation at dinner about that he felt guilty that he went sailing. I never said anything to him..... He also said how he loved me, that our private life is fantastic, but he wasn't sure I was the one he wanted to marry. (I have never brought this up - except to say that at some point in our relationship early on I said I would want to only after a few years of living together.) He said he wasn't "head over heels" like he used to be. When I questioned him further he said he knows people like that. He also stated that about once a month he feels like he still loves his ex. He has no contact with her, and he has been divorced for 4 years.

 

Since yesterday was father's day, I believe that my boyfriend was having some memories of when he was married, etc. I do know that he had left the situation after he was deeply hurt by the daughters in the previous relationship

 

My question is: do I need to find another place to live, or is this possibly just something that he is stressed out about with all of his extra hours and with the memories of father's day?

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YOU ASK: "do I need to find another place to live, or is this possibly just something that he is stressed out about with all of his extra hours and with the memories of father's day?"

 

This is definitely something you need to discuss with your guy. Only he knows what's in his head.

 

However, he seems to have told you he doesn't feel the same way about you now that he used to. He's actually old enough to know that feelings don't stay in the ozone forever. It doesn't sound like he's very mature regarding relationships.

 

It's quite possible that this had something to do with looking back on Fathers' Day. But it was still on his mind regardless.

 

Don't make any decision until you have a long talk with him. There is simply no way in the universe we can know what's in his head.

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Well we had that talk. I was right in that he wanted to end the relationship, right about the memory thing too - but not the primary reason. Thankfully it is something that isn't really my fault - like I'm not this or that -- it's just a set of circumstances over which I have no control.

 

It was a very tender breakup - and for that it makes it easier too. For anyone out there considering breaking up - it sure helped a heck of a lot that we were adults about it - and while I am the one being dumped I am sure glad that he was honest about his feelings without stringing me along or being too chicken to say so and time passing - that only would make it harder.

 

This posting thing was a good thing to get it off my chest in this way - it helped with the coping.

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