My girlfriend of two years says she doesn't know

[CJTaleous]

Hi, my girlfriend and I have been going out for about 2 years now. Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I was feeling a little upset because we were in New York for her dad's wedding (we live in Utah), and she was so excited to be able to sleep next to me (we don't usually get to do it because of job and living situation) and spend a lot of time together. Anyway, we get there and her step mom refuses to let us do that initially. Anyway, her sister comes in a few days later and we're talking about sleeping situations and she decides that we can sleep together and her sisters can sleep together. Her dad agrees with this and we're both excited. Except when the time came, she decided to sleep with her sisters instead. I was taken back at this, but didn't say anything. At the wedding, she was dancing with her sisters and since I didn't know anyone else there really, I felt left out and went outside to get some air. When I came back inside, I sat in the lobby and she came by eventually and comforted me about it. When we were headed back, she said "hey babe, I know we haven't had sex this whole week, so when we get back, I'm gonna make it extra special." When we got back, a few days later we had sex, but she was not really into it. I was still feeling weird about the whole new york thing, so I asked for a blowjob (she doesn't like to much), but she did it for a bit and ready to send me on my way (she had to get some sleep for work that night). I was sort of hurt by all this, and as I was walking out the door she said "I love you," and I replied along the line "Yeah, right." Really dumb thing to do at the time I realize, but I was in a weird mood for a while. I continued to say that occassionally for the rest of the week. After that, I felt better and acted like normal, so did she. Everything was going good until she overheard her new landlord talking about getting a job overseas and that she was basically planning on kicking them out (they had just moved in a couple days ago). She was telling me how upset she was with her and I agreed. Anyway, soon after that, she started acting different. She was hanging out with her friends more than me, talking to me about how much fun they have together, all that jazz. So one day she goes to a car show with her friend and has a great time, calls me up after and says things like "Omg I almost had an orgasm sitting in that car, sorry babe, but I may love that car." Then she says she's coming over because after plans didn't work out at the time. Anyway, I said I was doing nothing, but she comes over and I was playing computer games, so she sits on the couch and watches tv. After a little while, I ask her "what's bothering you?" and she said "You said you were doing nothing and you're playing games again." So I right then and there shut down my computer and proceed to talk with her. She then says she feels I was pushing her away, and we never get to go on dates anymore, that she wanted to get this body jewelry and I didn't fully agree (honestly though, if she wanted to get it, I wasn't gonna stop her, if it makes her happy). A few issues were covered at the time and we decided to work at it. The week went by and I slept next to her and after she said she didn't feel comfortable that time. I bought her flowers another day to reassure her that I did love her, she said she felt weird about them because it felt like I was buying her love. At the end of the week, we went on our date, she didn't seem too interested, at the end, she said she didn't think the date was creative, she wanted it to be more creative, then she went back into her house to sleep. We were gonna go have drinks with her friend at his house, but he wasn't sure so I took her home to rest. I drove back about an hour later to talk to her because I was feeling upset from her being distant now, but she wasn't home, she went to her friends house to hang out. Anyway, I called her up at 2am, after having a little liquor myself, just about less than a shot. And I said I really needed to talk to her, so she came over and said she was really disappointed that I did this, cause I never have done it before and said that this past week she felt bored, that she's almost 22 and has never been to a bar because her friends are busy and I'm 21 in a couple months. She said she doesn't know if she wants to marry me anymore, says she feels I'm moving too fast, ready to settle down (Now I never talk about that stuff really, she is usually the person talking about moving in together and marriage. She thought that she said even a couple weeks ago, but now she's not so sure. I asked her during the week if she wanted to move in finally, so I guess that's what she meant when she said I was ready to settle down). She said she's been feeling weird recently and wants some time to think to herself, I reluctently agreed and she said "Goodbye (my name)," she never calls me by her name, and she could tell that got to me, so she said "what? That's your name isn't it" I said yeah, but you never call me by it. So she says "would you rather I call you babe?" I nodded, so she said "Bye babe" and gave a slight smile, then left. Mind you, during all of our conversations, she doesn't seem upset, no crying, no yelling, just talking. Anyway, about two days go by and I feel really bad about all this, so I hand write an apology/love letter to her saying how I feel, that I was in a weird place before, that I am asking for her forgiveness so we can work at it and move on. A long letter and I leave it for her on her windshield, because we're not talking really right now. Anyway, she calls me up later that night when she goes to work and doesn't really say anything about it, says she doesn't remember what it says really because the cologne was giving her a headache (apparently some of my cologne had spilled onto the letter and I didn't notice). So she said she'll read it when she gets a chance and let me know how she feels. A few days past, I send her a text message at work around 2am, she responds and asks if I've been getting much sleep lately, and I said yeah, but I had taken a nap that day. She says she's planning on moving out and stuff and I say that's good, I'm happy for her. The subject of the letter comes up and she says she read it and she understands that's how Ii feel. She then tells me she doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship right now, she doesn't know why I did what I did and says she probably will forgive me, but probably won't forget. I told her it was because I was feeling this way in new york and told her about all that stuff, never did before. She says she didn't know I was that hurt by it and so forth. She then says that she doesn't know who she is anymore, that she kind of lost herself along the way, that she's not happy right now and wants to find what makes her happy (doesn't go out, hang out, school, just works her night job and sleeps for several months now). She doesn't know if I'll be part of her path down the line, because she feels she's not happy with me right now, so she doesn't know if we're gonna stay together. I had said some stuff in my letter about how she makes me so happy and she said she was afraid that I couldn't be happy without her and her last boyfriend was gonna kill himself if they weren't together. So she said she needed some time to herself to go out with her friends and have some fun and see if she can find some answers about what's bothering her. So again, I reluctently agreed and said are we talking during this period? She said not so much, but if you feel you need to say hi, then do it. She also says we probably have to split up the cell phone bill (we share the same plan) and such. She says she doesn't want for me to have to rely on her for a cell phone plan. So here we are, about a week after that. What's bothering me is she never once said we were done, or breaking up. She hasn't told anyone we were broken up, still has all of our pictures together up on facebook (I was with her for last boyfriend, she got rid of those immediately), still has us listed as in a relationship, when we last talked in person which was before our last talk, I had made a slight movement to adjust myself and she grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. So there's all these mixed signals and its really getting to me. At the end of our last conversation too, she said Goodnight Babe. So I just don't understand. It hurts a lot to be away from her like this, not talking, but since I care about her, I am giving her some space. Other people have been telling me to break up, some say she's just in a weird place and needs a little space, that it seems like she's punishing me so that I never do stuff again really (she made rude comments to me throughout the week), a lot of different things. I wanted to talk to her in about two weeks after we had our talk, and some feel I need to, because if you don't talk for about a month, you're pretty much broken up at that point. But recently I've been feeling like she just doesn't want to be with me and not just saying these things because she's in a weird place. In the past, when she was done with her relationships, she just ended them. This just feels so ambiguous. She also mentioned that she tried sacrificing her own feelings for the relationship before and that never worked out, so this time she's taking some time to herself and looking for herself for a change. So I just don't know what to think right now, I'm so lost and confused and the most easiest thing to do is to think for myself and break it off, but I would feel like I'm giving up and not even trying (cause everything she said I've just been accepting, not questioning at all when we're talking). My friend was saying that him and his girlfriend went through this exact same thing, almost word for word, and they didn't talk for two weeks, then had a long talk and are great now. So I just don't really know. Any advice you guys could give would be much appreciated.

[westrock]

First off... press the enter-key periodically. Paragraphs make it easier to read. You will get more responses that way.

 

Anyway, I called her up at 2am, after having a little liquor myself, just about less than a shot. And I said I really needed to talk to her, so she came over and said she was really disappointed that I did this, cause I never have done it before and said that this past week she felt bored, that she's almost 22 and has never been to a bar because her friends are busy and I'm 21 in a couple months. She said she doesn't know if she wants to marry me anymore, says she feels I'm moving too fast, ready to settle down (Now I never talk about that stuff really, she is usually the person talking about moving in together and marriage. She thought that she said even a couple weeks ago, but now she's not so sure.

 

It's tough to say what's going on. The wedding of her dad likely triggered some past emotions for her that's caused her to question her own thoughts about marriage. Plus, the two of you are still very young 22 & 21 to be talking marriage. Also, try to avoid having these emotional discussions at 2am, it's not the most ideal time.

 

My friend was saying that him and his girlfriend went through this exact same thing, almost word for word, and they didn't talk for two weeks, then had a long talk and are great now. So I just don't really know. Any advice you guys could give would be much appreciated.

Give her some time to think things over just like your friend. Give yourself a timeline of a few weeks just like your friend.